Cant do life anymore

[potterface29]

Going through a mental health crisis at the moment. Constant anxiety which peaks to the point where I retch which terrifies me as I have emetophobia.

Then came my struggles with eating. Knowing I need to eat but feeling sick and not wanting to. Every day is a struggle to eat. All I do is think will i be able to eat today? Will I have a panic attack and retch today? Will I be able to control my brain? Will I ever get better?

Been to gp. Started on sertraline on 8th March, 200mg started on 11th April. Still getting adrenaline dumps all the time which make me feel awful. Mitazpine was also added a couple of weeks ago to help me sleep and maybe aid anxiety symptoms. Was given diazepam but never taken it as know its addictive and I know how i am and if something makes me feel better I won't stop taking it.

I think about just wanting to end it all on a daily basis. My family don't deserve this, to have me as there mum. I have two young kids and terrified the impact of a mum that cries all the time is having on them both.

I've had my struggle with emetophobia since I was a child, but this anxiety with eating is a whole new level and I just don't see how it is going to get any better. Nhs referred me to eating disorder service but said that will take at least a few months before I am seen. All I do is think about my anxiety. It's horrific. Like my brain is playing is playing its own torture reel all the time.

Husband is supportive but doesn't understand how anxiety can affect me so badly and doesn't get why I can't just not think about things. My close family mostly know how bad I am. But they are getting frustrated with me I just know it.

Going to see a private psychiatrist as nhs won't help, but i feel he's not really listening to how bad I am anxiety wise and how I can't eat much at the moment. Just gets hung up on the depression and suicidal ideation. Encouraged me to take propranolol for physical anxiety symptoms and wasn't worried about long term diazepam use which concerned me.

Just don't know why I am writing this really. Because I'm scared. All the time.

Hi @Imagineit.im doing better than i was, but still having good and bad days with it. I'm not sure how I move forward with my life since this has happened.

It seems I am stable for a bit then I crash and burn quite badly it seems. Im not sure why that is. I get worried about the impact of that on my kids. How am I meant to accept that i may be causing them irreparable damage by me being their mum?

I don't know how to get help anymore with any of this. I need private therapy but I'm struggling to find a clinical psychologist. But they are very expensive and I'm always put off by the price. I know i shouldn't but I'm saddened that the nhs won't provide therapy quickly for people in crisis.

How long is the wait with NHS? I did a self referral not long ago and it was pretty quick

@WorthyOtterit's about 3 month wait. Apparently cause my issues are around eating and anxiety i have to go through the eating disorder service. It's an old, sorry can't deal with you but these people might be able to.

OP it's all connected. You're not sleeping properly, you're cooped up in the house, you're not eating properly and you're focusing on your anxiety.

Some things that might help.

Getting out into nature or going for a walk.
Journalling - writing down everything in your head
Porridge and banana for breakfast - both help calm the nervous system
Taking a good multivitamin, Vitamin D, Magnesium and B complex
Listening to audio books and podcasts
Listening to ambient noise when you're trying to sleep
Tai Chi or yoga - both available on YouTube
If you can't eat right now, try nutritional shakes
Drink more water
A warm bath with magnesium flakes
Lavender essential oil or scented products
A meditation app like Headspace
Anxiety UK has a good website and offers affordable therapy

CALM has a helpline and webchat
The Samaritans are available 24/7
You can contact NHS Direct option 2 and speak to the mental health team

Honestly I would consider changing your medication. It should be helping you much more than it is. It’s unfortunately common to have to try a few different ones before finding the one that’s right for you.

yes sign up to the NHS counselling, even if it takes a little while at least the process is started and it will come around quicker. My experience was like the previous poster in that it was extremely quick.

there’s a great podcast called disordered which has helped me so much through dark times.

also, in the dark days I would call anxiety helplines/ Samaritans just to talk.

I’ve been into those really dark awful places, not eating, not sleeping, wondering if life would ever be the same for days, months on end. It can and will. It’s usually been a medication tweak that’s ultimately helped me, alongside my counselling and reading about anxiety and self help.

anxiety is a liar, it will tell you this is forever, it will tel you you are a bad mother, not worth it…. It’s so hard not to listen when you are in the depths but try to focus on a time where you didn’t feel this way and hold on to the fact that you WILL get there again. Huge hugs to you.

Oh god be careful. My dd was given diazepam to take for 10 days. 5 months later we are still on some god awful tapering to try to get her off that shit.

@justagirlcalledlucy Thank you for your response. In fact thank you for all the responses of people reading this. It does make me feel seen.

Just don't understand my brain. I feel like i have two people inside my head. The one who is coping, who pretends everything is ok and manages to function, and the other who is a scared little girl who wants to run away from everything.

Is it normal to feel this way with anxiety and depression? I mentioned it to my sister who is the only person in my life who doesn't judge me and she said I should go down to the doctors apparently having two people inside your head isn't a normal thing?

Thank you all for checking in with me.
@Imagineit @WorthyOtter @Maybepossibly22

I think you're probably wanting to put a front on and act like everything is ok, but this will eat away at you. Theres no harm or shame going to the doctors, they'll be great and will get you whatever treatment you need. Go for it OP :)

Worth every penny OP, if you can, go for it. Physiology is so impactful.

Just don't understand my brain. I feel like i have two people inside my head. The one who is coping, who pretends everything is ok and manages to function, and the other who is a scared little girl who wants to run away from everything.

Completely normal. Talk to that scared little girl and reassure her that you are an adult and you will look after her, no matter what.

I had a situation recently where I was going into a salt mine, with millions of tons of rock above my head. A part of my subconscious was scared and didn't want to go in so I literally gave my own hand a quick squeeze and told that part that it was OK, that she didn't need to trigger fear as it was completely safe. She listened and I was fine.

Confront your fears.