Any therapists / counsellors out there who can give advice about transference?

[LostThePlotEncore]

As the title suggests really. I’ve been seeing a therapist since the end of last September and becoming a bit obsessed. I crave the space to feel heard and appreciated. I’m dealing with complex ptsd from SA.

FYI I didn’t mention the transference stuff yet. Not that brave.

I am feeling such a burden right now to my family.

It doesn’t mean the feelings are true. You’re allowed to need things.

Thanks calypso.

in the recent session, I mentioned a photo I saw of me at the bad time and the therapist suggested bringing it in.

Are you still conflicted about the therapist? If you mentioned an object or a person or a picture that concerns you of course your therapist is going to offer to look at it with you—in the case of the picture by having you bring it in. In the case of issues or people by looking at them together analytically in session.

Massively still conflicted. I feel a real need to know how long all ‘this’ is going to take and if she can stay the course. I don’t think I can handle having to start from the beginning again.

Dear heart, what you need to sound like is yourself - whomever that may be.
You aren’t going to shock her or make her dislike you or turn her against you.
If anything, she’ll be able to treat you more thoroughly.
I promise she won’t think you sound like a nutter.
And nobody here thinks you do either.

If you will forgive me for being blunt you are blaming her in advance for what is really a “you” issue. You say you worry that it may take too long and she can’t “stay the course?”

Therapy takes the time it takes—you didn’t develop your problem behaviors, or have your traumatic experiences, within a few months so you can’t really expect to cure them in a short course of sessions. Anyone who would promise that would not be realistic and that wouldn’t be good for the therapy.

Are you really worried that the therapist will keep you too long or end the therapy abruptly ( these are significantly the opposite complaint?)

In therapy speak the patient often attributes negative or painful thoughts or desires to the therapist because its too painful to acknowledge them. This is called projection . I think these two fears are mirror images of a fear that you feel—that you can’t tolerate the therapy (stay the course) and that it will take too long i.e. be too hard. its ibvious from your early posts that you are also rather in awe of your therapist—this is probably stimulating your historic fear of rejection.

In other words you fear that you will shut down the therapy, or quit because you are not making the progress you want as fast of as painlessly as you want.

This is totally normal! Lots of patients take time to “get in the room” and settle into the work and accept the benefits of attaching and trusting the therapist—because attachment in their experience is risky. The love object is capricious or unreliable or cruel or abandoning. The therapist is aware of this conflict which you are feeling and should be trained to help you settle into securely.

But if I could say one thing: you have a lot if agency here.

You have the duty to yourself to manage your constant state of anxious and avoidant attachment.

The short form advice is when you start to get agitated in the relationship stop, take a deep breath, and tune in to yourself. If one part of you starts doing the crying/fearful/I can’t trust anyone dance take a moment and reflect of the situation and the relationship that is triggering this flightfull part. Do you want to let this part blow up the therapy? The therapist can’t stop you from blowing up the therapy—no matter how skillful they are. Therapy is a choice you have to make—and apparently your anxious part is going to make you recommit daily. But you choose this path for very good reasons—hang on to thise. Reflect in your goals. Over time you will find it easier to say to your anxious/suspicious side “I see you, I recognize you, but you don’t get to drive the car today.”

Thank you both so much. I will re read your comments again Pik as there is a lot there to digest. I think I’m scared I can’t last the journey and I’m scared she’ll retire or something! I’ve began to trust her but how do I know she’ll last the journey.

I think I have transference I have mentioned before as if she were an older sibling, cousin or possibly mum. In between sessions it takes me about a week to process it all, but I cannot stop my brain from working it all through.

I think you're not going to get an answer. No one can know but you. Maybe not even you. My issues are deeply seated and compressed under several layers of trauma, distrust and attachment problems. I knew it would be long term work but we're 5 years in now and I'm finally feeling like I've turned a corner.

What took so long? Attachment. Trust. Without that, we were going nowhere fast and you can't force it.

He could repeat until he's blue in the face that he's not going anywhere, that he cares, that he can take it, whatever I show him, however I lash out at him.

He can tell me endlessly that he is committed to us for as long as it takes but it still took me the best part of 4 years to actually believe it. That's me who dictated the time it took; not on purpose, but it took as long as I needed it to take.

How do I ask, without sounding like a lunatic, whether she’s planning to emigrate any time soon?!

I see this anxiety a little in my practice because I am an older therapist and just had to take three months off for cancer surgery. I know my patients love and trust me because ones who have graduated still send me photos and reports about how they are doing, snd everyone on my current case load waited for me to come back.

This is cool, for me but it raises the issue that loss is always around the corner in every relationship. I had to prepare myself for the possibility that I might not be able to keep serving my patients. They realized that I am imperfect, human, and may ultimately not always be available to them. But this is a cause for rejoicing—because its true. Its real. Its the fact of our human existence. Tomorrow is promised to no man—line from a Clint Eastwood film. Or, to quote Bob Dylan “he who isn't busy being born is busy dying.” So we had better get cracking!

So that is also a thing to be worked on, or a constraint to be worked within. How do we make the most out of our time together however long or short that is?

Whatever you get out if this therapy—however long or short—you will be changed by this relationship. Even if you had to start again you will be different with the next therapist—start at a different place, have different skills.

Try to imagine not being stuck—because you aren’t stuck. Your life is in your own hands.And you aren’t stuck choosing change.

Thanks once again for replying. I do really appreciate it. It’s humbling to see how the relationship must feel from the other side.

I feel like the sessions go so fast and I don’t always feel like I get everything I need, like I have more questions at the end than I did went I went in. I have just slept for three hours because I am so tired.

Literally just ask. They won't consider it an odd question. It's therapy, you can ask for reassurance if you need it.

This sounds normal! Treat therapy like a massage ir a marathon. Drink lots of fluids. Take a hit shower and a good nap afterwards. Just be kind to yourself. You can leave yourself a voice note afterwards if you have some important thoughts after the session. This will make it easier to build on those thoughts in the next session.

Thanks again for replying. Balloon, I think I need to write down some questions I now need to know the answers to and just take a brave pill.

Quick question, why has this not happened in therapy before as I’ve had counselling before? Is it just that I didn’t click as well with the the other counsellor. I have had this with an old teacher before and a doctor. I feel fucking nuts.

Talk to your therapist about it? This will demystify things and take some of the overwhelm away.

As for why it didn’t happen before maybe your transference was more negative before as you were bringing the anxiety and terror you felt in other primary relationships and not able to access the good attachment feelings until now. Have you heard the expression “when the student is ready the teacher appears?” You are changing all the time. Be open to this change. Be open to your own curiosity. Bring it up in session!

Ok, I’m going to try. Next session is in a couple of weeks. Going to start thinking about how I can word it which sits comfortably for me.

What does ‘chronically mentally unwell’ actually mean?

This is a good question to ask your therapist.

This was what she described me as. I have a steadily growing list.

So ask her what it means? Do you think it’s statistically incorrect (its not chronic) do you think its definitionally incorrect (i.e. its more acute than chronic?) Do you think its inaccurate (not a mental health issue at all?)

She told me I was in her top few clients who were chronically mentally unwell with depression and stress.

It didn't happen before BECAUSE you didn't click. It's something that usually happens when you're developing trust and forming an attachment.

Chronically unwell just means you've been suffering from it for a long time, possibly on and off throughout your life. I have chronic depression. Had it for my whole life, aged 11 onwards. I have a few good periods but it always comes back.