*TW* women can rape men

[Icanttakeanymore25]

I am having a panic attack as I write this, and I need someone to talk me down.

We were having a normal evening chatting with our teens this evening. My dd21 was talking about a you tuber that can apparently argue about anything. She said fairly flippantly that women can rape men. I said that it is impossible in the U.K. Only a man can be charged with rape.

They both argued that I am wrong (they are obviously talking about trans women with penises but had clearly misunderstood the actual law. A biological woman can not rape a man) I am in the legal field and I tried to gently explain the difference. I was shouted down by my dc and worse still my dh. I told them to google it, that should clear things up.

By now I was hyperventilating and in the first stages of a full blown panic attack. I became overwhelmed with rage and the feeling that every single sexual assault and rape I have endured has been ignored and minimised since I was 11 years old.

I stood up and to my credit, I left the room and went upstairs and shut the door. I tried to call the Samaritans. I couldn’t get through. I started the on line chat which has a 5 minute wait, but they managed to push the door open.

My teens are now stood in my study room reading the on line chat and laughing. Yes. That’s right, I can hear them laughing. I don’t know what do. I have never felt so bereft. I am now in the bathroom.

@Icanttakeanymore25 I'm so glad you managed some rest: you’ve got a solid plan there for the short term, and I’m sure when you’ve spoken to others you can revisit.

I hear what your DH has said to you and only you knows if that’s likely to be true. I don’t agree with laughter to lighten up this situation. Empathy and hugs and apologies is what should have happened.

No one would expect you to ever be ‘over’ these events. It’s finding some therapeutic support that can help support your coping mechanisms. But it is completely understandable that this triggered you.

Just focus on yourself, and your dogs, for now.

Well done. You got through it. Your emotions were totally valid and you have every right to them. You were probably feeling re-traumatised. Trauma leaves its stamp and it’s actually there to protect you. It’s a gut reaction and now there is calm the other part of you can decide what to do. What the threat actually was and what to do about it. Whilst you weren’t at risk of physical harm, emotional and psychological harm happened. Not purposefully and not maliciously but learning can be found here.

You sound amazing. I hope the walk helps you to process. Sending you love and strength.

Just want to send my support, OP. Your family have treated you so disgracefully. I don't know how you come back from that. Maybe this is the message that it's time now to focus on you and your healing and let your family take care of themselves. Your DH in particular has let you down. Can he fuck off with the kids somewhere? Can you leave by yourself for a while and let them get on without you? I think they all need to understand the devastating impact of their cruelty towards you.

Good morning @Icanttakeanymore25
You definitely have nothing to feel ashamed about. I hope your DH is being sincere and that your DC see their way to apologising for their behaviour.

Good luck with counselling, sometimes we don't realise how much we are still affected by events until we aren't ok.

I wouldn't be able to get past the fact that they didn't stop immediately when they saw you were upset. They tortured you for their own amusement and gratification, absolutely inexplicably. If they cannot step down and apologise I would not be letting this go at all.

Well done. What a huge shock, to find that your family is so lacking in empathy.

I can understand laughing out of surprise, but I can't understand continuing to do so, or having so little care for your mother/wife. Your kids are old enough to know better, your husband is dropping the ball big time in neither reining them in nor comforting you. Don't let any of them minimise how hurtful they've been. This is not an overreaction on your part.

I hope the fresh air with the dogs this morning has helped you to decide on a course of action ❤️

I hope you enjoyed the fresh air and walk with dogs.
Please let us know how you are this evening.
Thinking of you

Thank you for everyone’s posts and support.

I have never been the kind of person that holds a grudge. But I am struggling to get over any of this. I have had a very weak non apology from the eldest dc, nothing from the youngest. My dh to his credit acknowledged he could have handled things better.

How do you get past this kind of thing? I cherish my dc and I just feel blindsided and so hurt by their indifference. Does anyone have any suggestions how I manage this? What to do?

I think the first thing is to may be listen to each other. You might need to start with your husband so he can then help hold the space and support you with the kids. It might be they completely misread it all. Their dad wasn’t setting a great example. But you need to be heard too. That’s where I would start. Giving each person the space to be fully heard, uninterrupted and un challenged. Until full understanding. Then the learning can begin.

first things first though is to look after yourself really well.

OP to be honest I don’t think you should do anything to sort this out or get past it. I think your DH needs to step up. Whether that means educating the rest of the family on what happened and some facts about rape and SA. Organising a family therapy session to talk this through in a moderated space. Whatever it takes.

If your family wants to talk about these subjects then they need to know the facts. The lifelong impact of rape and SA and how the body holds onto that trauma. How victims can be triggered and re traumatised years later. Just how many women, children and men are assaulted every year and how poor the conviction rates are. Who is perpetrating the crimes. They need to ‘educate themselves’ properly before having any further conversation with you about it.

It sounds like you also need somewhere to explore this trauma away from the family. Where you don’t have to edit the story or hold anything back and can just focus on your feelings and emotions? Your family has let you down very badly. Let your DH organise this for you while you get some rest.

I know this is an old thread,,but as a Gen Z I thunk this is unfair. I am GC which is sadly rarer for Gen Z but most people my age would not behave like this. Acting like the callous cruelty of the OP's children is typical of Gen Z is wrong.