*TW* women can rape men

[Icanttakeanymore25]

I am having a panic attack as I write this, and I need someone to talk me down.

We were having a normal evening chatting with our teens this evening. My dd21 was talking about a you tuber that can apparently argue about anything. She said fairly flippantly that women can rape men. I said that it is impossible in the U.K. Only a man can be charged with rape.

They both argued that I am wrong (they are obviously talking about trans women with penises but had clearly misunderstood the actual law. A biological woman can not rape a man) I am in the legal field and I tried to gently explain the difference. I was shouted down by my dc and worse still my dh. I told them to google it, that should clear things up.

By now I was hyperventilating and in the first stages of a full blown panic attack. I became overwhelmed with rage and the feeling that every single sexual assault and rape I have endured has been ignored and minimised since I was 11 years old.

I stood up and to my credit, I left the room and went upstairs and shut the door. I tried to call the Samaritans. I couldn’t get through. I started the on line chat which has a 5 minute wait, but they managed to push the door open.

My teens are now stood in my study room reading the on line chat and laughing. Yes. That’s right, I can hear them laughing. I don’t know what do. I have never felt so bereft. I am now in the bathroom.

I don't understand really. You went from a silly argument with your family to you going in your room and calling Samaritans whilst having a blown panic attack and you heard them laughing downstairs. Do they know what you've been through? Do they know you've been triggered? Were they laughing at you, are you sure about that? May it be you got emotional and missconstructed the whole thing? I am sorry for what happened to you, no one can understand it unless they ve been through it. I am not in any way minimasing, just offering another perspective. Also, rape can happen with surgically constructed penis, technically is still a penis but genetically the person is not a male. Maybe they meant that? Look after yourself and sleep on it, talk tomorrow when emofions will go back down. Sleep separately if you must!

You're not the problem, you're reacting in a very understandable way to huge stress. They want you to make everything better by pretending they didn't cause this stress.

Remind yourself of how proud you are of how you have survived and thrived - you were pushed tonight, you're still a strong survivor, you can get over this.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources . You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
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We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

I'm so sorry to read this. This must have been incredibly triggering, I'm sorry. Sending you much strength and support. You will be ok.

Oh I know a few people like that. That is a conversation to be had at some point about empathy and hypocrisy (theirs). A safe space is not "I will do what I want without consequences".

This is not you

They have behaved appallingly and I'm so sorry they have done this.

Deep breaths, listen to the rain, a podcast, whatever you need to do to calm down enough so you can get some sleep. Tomorrow, after some sleep, you can decide what you want to do when you've had some rest. Your main priority at the moment is to regroup yourself. Easier said than done, I know, but you are the priority here.

I hope you're OK my love, you will get through this.

Be kind to yourself. This is trauma. Your trauma wounds have been reopened in what should be your safe space. Your body was triggered. They won’t understand that. You are right, to them, it doesn’t have the same weight. But they might be able to understand if you can bring yourself to talk to them again. The laughing at your chat was unforgivable. They do need a boundary. But not now.

Now you need to focus on grounding yourself in the moment. You are safe. Take very gentle care of yourself. Show yourself compassion. Stay away from them for now unless you feel that a simple message like ‘this conversation has reopened trauma responses for me. I need kindness and compassion. If you all can’t do that, please go out for a while or go to your rooms so I can be alone. We will talk about this again but for now I need to focus on my own wellbeing. If you can’t be kind then please leave me alone’

I suggest you get a trauma informed therapist OP. I’m so sorry you’ve had these awful experiences. The body remembers.

This. I’m so sorry this is happening to you tonight, and for what has happened in the past. I’m disgusted at your kids behaviour - not empathetic at all and I’d expect better from them. And as for your DH - that’s truly awful. What a nasty little man.

You may feel better after a nights sleep elsewhere. And a chat to someone on one of the helplines.

I hope you manage to find some peace tonight. X

I have over the years welcomed their views, of course and we talk about everything. Maybe I should have put more emphasis on how it might feel to those that have experienced those issues, and how hard it is to talk about.

It’s allowances like yours that give vile people like these kids a free pass. They are laughing about a rape, a rape of their own mother and you think they are cutesy little wee innocents? Your whole post is so vile.

im so sorry Op, this is one of the most awful things I have read. A 21yo should know far better than this. You should think of leaving for a while. I’m so disgusted that they are laughing at their mother who has reached out to Samaritans.

Perhaps. Hindsight is 20/20 though so don't feel too bad about not thinking of it before. We will all have points with our kids where we realise we missed something.

Can you tell them you don’t want to discuss it any more this evening and then enforce that? It sounds like they are rationalising their awful behaviour and that is likely to make it worse.
Tonight is awful, but tomorrow will be s little better, and your children will get through this. I think as tempers cool, and when they are alone especially, they will see their behaviour for what it was and feel ashamed. I hope they’ll apologise and make the space for you to talk about whatever you feel you need then to know.

Overblown?

I can’t get past that word, so I will leave it there. I consider you to be a very fortunate person if you think rape is ‘overblown’

Helpful?

Another really sorry to read this and your level of distress. I would try to buy some time and space tonight if you can. Can you just say you're actually feeling really unwell and reassure yourself that you will address this with them another day, when you're feeling stronger again (you will )

Keep trying to communicate with the Samaritans or similar, whenever you can.

I am so fucking angry on your behalf, how dare they. I’m so sorry this is happening ..I know it’s hard as you are hyperventilating but try to take deep breaths and get yourself to sleep. Tomorrow you can take steps to get away. We’re all here for you.

do you work in the legal field? Or the NHS?

What? Sounds like you’re minimising OPs feelings. It’s a very understandable reaction to such a trigger. That OP has managed to push through life, have a family, and clearly be a good mum after all the horror she endured from a young age, is a credit to her and the strong woman she is.

But close family openly laughing about such horrific events is awful.

If you don’t understand then you’re part of the problem.

OP - ignore this shitty comments. Ask them to give you space tonight. Make a cuppa (if you get space to do that). Open a window and just try and breathe. It doesn’t matter if you get sleep or not, just try and breathe slow and deep, and do what will help you feel calmer. One day at a time.

2 separate issues here.

1. your family's disregard of your emotional wellbeing and previous trauma.

If they know - they are beyond forgiving imo.
If they don't know - do they think you're throwing a strop because you didn't win the debate and although they should have checked on you by now, it's a misunderstanding, albeit a really fucking hurtful misunderstanding.

2. The debate about women raping men. A biological woman can rape a man but it's so, so, so rare/unlikely that it's really not statistically relevant. The circumstances for it to be possible are so remote.

The NHS does have legal departments.

@Icanttakeanymore25 I hope, even if you don't return to posting on this thread, that you have managed to take some comfort from everyone who has been supportive tonight.

Please ignore that poster who obviously does not get it. There is always someone out to just kick an OP when they're down.

Try to get some sleep x

I am so sorry they have treated you like this. I feel a sense of panic from a distance just reading what you are dealing with. In particular forcing their way into a room where you have shut the door to have some space and speak to Samaritans. That is outrageous behaviour.

I don’t know how I would come back from that either. Tomorrow morning are you able to go and stay elsewhere for a few days?

OP my thoughts are with you