*TW* women can rape men

[Icanttakeanymore25]

I am having a panic attack as I write this, and I need someone to talk me down.

We were having a normal evening chatting with our teens this evening. My dd21 was talking about a you tuber that can apparently argue about anything. She said fairly flippantly that women can rape men. I said that it is impossible in the U.K. Only a man can be charged with rape.

They both argued that I am wrong (they are obviously talking about trans women with penises but had clearly misunderstood the actual law. A biological woman can not rape a man) I am in the legal field and I tried to gently explain the difference. I was shouted down by my dc and worse still my dh. I told them to google it, that should clear things up.

By now I was hyperventilating and in the first stages of a full blown panic attack. I became overwhelmed with rage and the feeling that every single sexual assault and rape I have endured has been ignored and minimised since I was 11 years old.

I stood up and to my credit, I left the room and went upstairs and shut the door. I tried to call the Samaritans. I couldn’t get through. I started the on line chat which has a 5 minute wait, but they managed to push the door open.

My teens are now stood in my study room reading the on line chat and laughing. Yes. That’s right, I can hear them laughing. I don’t know what do. I have never felt so bereft. I am now in the bathroom.

I know it’s hard OP, but try to focus on looking after yourself. Not on your DC/DH’s behaviour. Please try to reach out to the Samaritans once you feel calmer, or one of the other organisations mentioned by PP.

I think we can support OP without minimizing the sexual assault of all people regardless of gender. I had male friend wake up to a woman having sex with him. He didn't consent, he tried to get away but was too drunk. It messed him up for a long time and a lot of that came from people not taking it seriously.

Also, OP: I’m really sorry you’re struggling and being made to feel this way by your own family. I hope you can make contact with the right support services to help you work through your feelings.

Maybe in the end I just.cant be that rational about rape.. That for them it is a concept. Something to debate. For me it is not, it is something I have to live with. I have had to live around. I have just been sick. It felt like a relief.

Sorry they are being so cunty to you, do they know that you’re been through all this

I agree be good if you can go somewhere else tonight
give them a shock

Op it sounds like you’ve been through worse you can get through this. Make a plan, tomorrow you need to get to somewhere you feel safe, parents/hotel/friend. Then you need to find a therapist. It’s not so much what started the argument more how little they seem to care how much you’ve been upset. Laughing isn’t on and you need to address that calmly when you are stronger. Come on Op you CAN do this xxxxxxxxxx

If you have money taxi and hotel?

Oh I see they don’t know your history

would you want to share that with them ? Or do you prefer not to

OP sorry this is happening. Just retreat, keep yourself safe, regroup tomorrow.

You deserve better. If they can't see that, you're better off without them. Hopefully they'll come to their senses.

I think there's a good chance that your kids were laughing out of surprise that you had contacted the Samaritans, not about the content of your message to them. It's still crass and juvenile, but not cruel. Even though they know you've been a victim of sexual assault, I suspect that they have buried this information, they weren't talking to you as a rape survivor, but as somone who was disagreeing with them on trans rights, which is a blind faith for so many young people.

I imagine your husband has told them to leave you be, so there isn't a fuss and he can pretend nothing is the matter.

Please do seek support tomorrow from Rape Crisis centre. If you're not ready to forgive your family yet, or just want some space from them, can you go to stay with family or friends for a night or two, or longer if you don't want to have to see them.

I hope you can get some peace and some sleep tonight.

I'm so sorry OP. I am SO sorry. I can't imagine how hurtful this has been for you. We hear you.

Probably not. I'm not sure how anyone could neutrally debate something traumatic they have experienced.

Are you at least being left in peace by now?

She can’t drive in this state and one glass of strong wine can put her over the limit . Driving would be foolish

I am pretty sure they think this is a me problem. They don’t seem to be able to understand how hard it is for me to talk about. They treat it like a failing on my part.

Maybe it is me.

Maybe I shouldn’t cry or feel sad when they speak about rape as if it’s nothing. Or get the law completely wrong. Or see when I am crying I need to be left alone, if you can’t be kind.

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through so much and are now being treated like this. I’m not surprised you’re struggling to cope under the circumstances. I’m really impressed that you were able to discuss the subject so rationally for as long as you did. You sound incredibly strong and, however your children are currently behaving, like a really wonderful mother.
Have your children been drinking? It wouldn’t excuse their behaviour but it might partly explain the laughing. Nerves and drink can produce quite strange emotional effects.

It's not you.

They are acting as if you are over reacting due to the disagreement but they must surely have made the connection between the topic of conversation and your history with it?

You need to let them know that treating a rape survivor the way they did is inhumane and they need to think about their actions.

It's not a you problem. You owe them no explanation. Any person with an ounce of sympathy would see an upset person and back off. But they've engaged in bullying behaviour, probably driven on by each other and their need to be "right" and possibly the wine with dinner? That's also not a you problem. I know my DH and I can end up in stupid debate arguments after a couple of glasses.

You did all the right things, you removed yourself and you sought help. Keep doing the right things for you tonight.

Your trauma is palpable. I think this 'debate' has triggered that underlying trauma and that's possibly what the real issue here is.

Your children aren't the right people to share this with. It'd be so tempting to get them to realise exactly why you're so upset, but don't do it. I wouldn't even say your DH is the right person either.

Sleep and breathing well are your priorities tonight - and being away from your Household occupants obviously.

Tomorrow, find that safe space to get all of this out. If you have the money - pay privately for that help. You'll get it much quicker

Oh OP, I'm so upset for you. Your family sound awful, so unkind.

I don't know what I can say really, but I'm here, sending compassion, love and huge hugs ❤️

I know they've been shitty but try not to spiral too much with the 'they don't care about me at all's.

They have no understanding. Arguably they should have but to behave the way they have, they clearly don't.

It's theoretical to them therefore fair play for debate. But for you it's real and so impossible to discuss in an abstract way.

I think they owe you a massive apology but I don't think they don't care. They don't know what to do and it's easier to pretend you are just over reacting than to confront difficult issues.

For a generation that speaks so much of their triggers, most have zero awareness of those of older generations.

I see you and hear you and this is not your issue. This is a toxic, misogynistic patriarchal bait and switch that has stolen our rights and our dignity. You deserve better. They have been brainwashed. I think after all you have been through you will find a way to forgive your family. It isn't you, it isn't them, it's this fucking baby pink and blue rainbow SHITE. It will be ok. We are winning. Stay strong.

No, they haven’t been drinking ( I wish I had an excuse for their behaviour) but they seem to genuinely think they are entitled to a ‘safe space’ to talk about anything they feel like even if it’s distressing for me or anyone else. That if I am upset, then that’s a me problem because I am not being safe for them.

I hope I have explained that properly, but given their messages to me they seem to be upset with me now for disrupting THEIR safe space,

IstayhomeonFridaynight
I think there's a good chance that your kids were laughing out of surprise that you had contacted the Samaritans, not about the content of your message to them. It's still crass and juvenile, but not cruel. Even though they know you've been a victim of sexual assault, I suspect that they have buried this information, they weren't talking to you as a rape survivor, but as somone who was disagreeing with them on trans rights, which is a blind faith for so many young people.

This.

I am so, so sorry this has happened tonight. I really think pp is correct and your children are simply treating this as you overreacting (in their eyes) to a disagreement over trans ID. Your DH has been an idiot and not realised why you are really so upset.

You quite rightly expect that they will know and understand what impact this sort of discussion has on you. Unfortunately it sounds like at some point - not tonight- you will have to spell it out for them.

I'm sure your children love you very much. There will be a way back from this for you and your family. Take care of yourself, this will pass 💐

It’s not a you problem Op. I am shocked that they have behaved and treated you this way. You were absolutely right. I hope you will be ok there is something wrong with their thinking and their behaviour is unforgivable