*TW* women can rape men

[Icanttakeanymore25]

I am having a panic attack as I write this, and I need someone to talk me down.

We were having a normal evening chatting with our teens this evening. My dd21 was talking about a you tuber that can apparently argue about anything. She said fairly flippantly that women can rape men. I said that it is impossible in the U.K. Only a man can be charged with rape.

They both argued that I am wrong (they are obviously talking about trans women with penises but had clearly misunderstood the actual law. A biological woman can not rape a man) I am in the legal field and I tried to gently explain the difference. I was shouted down by my dc and worse still my dh. I told them to google it, that should clear things up.

By now I was hyperventilating and in the first stages of a full blown panic attack. I became overwhelmed with rage and the feeling that every single sexual assault and rape I have endured has been ignored and minimised since I was 11 years old.

I stood up and to my credit, I left the room and went upstairs and shut the door. I tried to call the Samaritans. I couldn’t get through. I started the on line chat which has a 5 minute wait, but they managed to push the door open.

My teens are now stood in my study room reading the on line chat and laughing. Yes. That’s right, I can hear them laughing. I don’t know what do. I have never felt so bereft. I am now in the bathroom.

Can you message your DH and say you need him to come to your room and just listen,without comment, to your lived experience, and explain why you found the whole conversation so triggering.
The UK law clearly states that rape is penetration with a penis. UK law has been clarified this week to be clear that sex is biological. Ergo,a woman cannot rape.
If he has a decent bone in his body, he will come and listen and hopefully offer you some support. Is it not worth a try?

I am so sorry, OP.

Just sending support your way, @Icanttakeanymore25 . I believe you. Hope you can slowly calm and think about what you need in the morning. I echo the comments about taking time off and going away if that's what you need. Thinking of you listening to the rain x

It's not you. I suspect you have a DH problem. Your DC didn't learn to treat you with such unkindness and disrespect overnight. Sadly, I think they're following his lead.

I'd have to move out if this happened to me. I wouldn't be able to forgive them without a sincere apology and I'd need some time to myself regardless. So my next step would be finding a rental, maybe Air BnB for a month to see what happened and if they're still acting like I was overreacting I'd look for a 6 months tenancy somewhere. They're teens, it's not something I could just brush off as "just kids being kids". They're old enough to know better. As for DH, what's his excuse? Thinks you should be over it by now, is that it? You're not allowed to have lasting effects from something so awful? Not sure I could go back from that. Feels like he's shown his true colours 💐

Am so sorry you are going through this. And am sorry you have experienced rape. I have no words just hugs and a tight hand hold

It's not. Rape is penetration without consent.

I don't think it's fair to go into detail on this thread as the OP is clearly suffering with her previous trauma.

But there have been plenty of even world-wide news stories of truly horrific rape that does not involve a penis.

Thank you for helping me through tonight. I’m in bed with my dogs. I feel kind of defeated, depleted in a way I haven’t felt before.

they seem to genuinely think they are entitled to a ‘safe space’ to talk about anything they feel like even if it’s distressing for me or anyone else. That if I am upset, then that’s a me problem because I am not being safe for them.

Then they are arseholes. They don't even view you as human, you're just an emotional support being to them. The universe doesn't revolve around them and it's time they woke up to that.

There's no excuses for being a teen or older, seeing someone has contacted Samaritans (everyone has heard of them and knows what they're for) and mocking that person. It's disgusting behaviour showing zero empathy.

Even if they had no idea what you'd been through, seeing you'd become upset about the conversation should have had them backing right off. Not following and barging in on you when you'd tried to remove yourself. That's bullying behaviour that shows they feel entitled to you, whether you want to give any of yourself to them or not.

Even with bullies, if they had a shred of empathy, seeing you'd contacted Samaritans should have brought them up short and made them rethink their behaviour. Not try to justify their bad behaviour by doubling down on how they think you're wrong to have reacted and trying to gaslight you into thinking you're the problem.

Your DH is no better. Worse, really. Because he does know what you've been through and he's got so much more life experience to recognise just how out of order he's being, but has chosen to be like he is anyway.

You deserve better. From all if them.

It's hardly surprising. They're the people you're supposed to be able to trust most in the world, the ones who are supposed to have your back. And they turned on you. Nobody is going to feel ok after that. I hope you can get some sleep. Thank heavens for the comfort of dogs 🐕

Penetration with a penis, women don’t have penises, therefore, under UK law cannot rape, it would be sexual assault.

It's the adrenaline wearing off. Love that you have your dogs in with you.

Not true what you say, legally in the UK is Sec1 of sexual offences act, please read. I don't talk about worldwide because I don't know the laws in other countries, I talk UK. Sexual assault by penetration (S2 I think) is not rape they are tried differently and separately.

I don’t have any words that will make you feel better , I’m so sorry your own family are being so dam cruel , betrayal never comes from a enemy sadly.
cuddle them lovely dogs darling , they won’t ever let you down and I truly hope you can find a way of coping with this xx

Are you daft? Please just stop - why do you want to cause more distress?

OP - dogs bring great comfort. I hope they’re snuggling in and I know they’ll be showing you love. I’m glad you have them with you tonight.

Oh OP, I am so sorry you had those experiences as a child and are dealing with this trauma. I’m sorry that the people who love you most are being such shits. Teens and young adults know all about triggering and safe spaces - yet somehow this isn’t supposed to apply to anyone over 30? I don’t even have words for your DH.

And to all the posters arguing about the definitions when a poster is having a panic attack - shame on you! UK law is VERY clear. Why not look at the CPS and police websites tomorrow rather than arguing about it on here when you clearly have no idea.

As a PP said the body truly does keep the score. When you are feeling stronger please speak to a specialist women’s service about this. You don’t have to deal with this alone. Sending you much love and support.

Don't call me daft please. I did not insult you.

You're being daft by posting legal 'corrections' which are clearly not going to make the OP feel any better. The legal threads will allow you to flex your understanding of the law if that's what you're after.

OP I hope you're getting some rest now and the other people in your house have left you alone.

I sincerely hope you have been able to get some sleep and respite from this trauma OP.

hi OP, I’ve come back to say that I hope you got through the night and are feeling a little stronger today. Do take things slowly and speak to a counsellor when you can.

thinking of you.

Op hope you are feeling a little better this am.

@Icanttakeanymore25

I've just read your posts from last night and they've touched me more than anything I've ever read on this site in all the years I've been here. I can imagine how I'd feel if this happened to me and I can hardly bear the thought of it. The treatment you received at the hands of your family, whether they know the full background or not, was disgraceful. I'm enraged on your behalf. Well done for handling it so well.

I hope you managed to get some sleep, and that you can seek some professional support today. Keep posting on here if it would help, there are always people around to offer an unMumsnetty hug and a listening ear. Take care 💐

I wanted to come on here to say thank you for your support. My dogs helped me get through the night.

I thought I would feel shame this morning, this feeling is very well known to me, because I have cried so much and didn’t stay completely in control of my emotions - but I don’t. I am glad I calmly left the room. I didn’t allow my anger to get the better of me. I looked for help outside because none was available inside my house. I didn’t run away or jump into the car.

I am taking my dogs on a long walk and then I will find someone I can share this with, and decide what to do next.

My dh said the dc were not laughing at the Samaritans chat, just making light of a difficult situation generally. I am usually a very calm person they were surprised by how upset I was.

But I am just human. Not superwoman

I get tvs impression they think I am the problem now. Maybe I am, but it would serve me far better if they showed some empathy and care. Rather than ploughing on with the debating skills around a topic clearly so difficult for me.

Some part of me wants to rretreat. I will need some counselling. I am clearly not over what happened to me. I am really sorry if anyone found my thread triggering or a difficult read.

Yes I hope you managed some rest last night. Carve out some time for yourself today if you can, call in sick if needs be. I expect you'll feel pretty shattered so take things as easy. Your family needs to know their behaviour was way out of line. I get it. I've protected my dc from the gory detail of some of the trauma I have been through and have been conflicted at times as it means they don't fully understand why I havent achieved as much as I could have in life. Same goes for wider society, the judgement and lack of tolerance when people don't fully understand a situation can be really painful to live with. Fortunately, my dc's father DOES understand and has my back and will pull the dc in line if I'm struggling with a tricky issue. That's a key difference. Please speak to a therapist ASAP to help process and plan for how to deal with this, but all of your family, especially your husband, needs to know this was not okay.

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