Page 8 | how does suicide of a mother effect children later on?

sailawaywithme91 · 2025-04-11T18:08:51+00:00

Please be kind. This is hard for me to write. I am looking for any people that have lost a parent to suicide as a young child. To share (if they feel comfortable) their experience and how this has affected them later on? I have a 9 month old. Who despite what many will think reading this thread, I love with my whole heart, I am to all intents and purposes a very good mother. Except I don't want to be here anymore, life feels unbearable. I am on medication, I am having therapy, I have tried and tried to change this feeling.

Morningwasbrokenbuthasnowbeenrepaired · 19/04/2025 13:02

Sweetheart, I've been there. The mother wound and those dark, dark thoughts.

I'm 52 now. My Mum died of cancer when I was 6 then I grew up with an emotilnally neglectful step-mum and an emotionally distant/unavailable Dad.
I buried all my childhood trauma and becoming a mum made it come rushing back to hit me like a freight train. To make it worse I moved around constantly for my then Dh's job. I was the village, and not always great at it.

Just hang on in there. Get all the help you can and take it in whatever form you find it. Mumsnet, neighbours, breastfeeding groups...and your own inner strength. You are a goddess, a queen, a warrior!

You will get through this, I promise.

My boys are in their early 20s now. Being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done and doing it with very little support was so, so difficult. I've made mistakes, hit rock bottom a few times along the way, but there's this little flame deep inside that keeps burning, kept me holding on even when I couldn't move forwards.

You will get better. You will find medication/therapy that will help you. It may take time (I'm still healing, I see it as my life's work 😊) but you absolutely will get through this. Just keep holding on.

I am sending you a massive, massive hug and an even bigger one to that little girl who deserved to be held and loved and nurtured and made to feel accepted and whole. ❤️

Gardenischeaperthantherapy · 19/04/2025 14:05

So many have already shared their experiences but I could not read and run on this…

My Mum took her own life on the 18th April 8 years ago…my sisters and I were in our mid twenties at the time, we all miss her every day and to be honest I am still angry and feel totally abandoned by her even though on a rational level I know she was in terrible mental anguish and pain. I was blamed for her death by members of her family, I had people cross the street in my home town to avoid speaking to me and my father ~ there is still a stigma to suicide which may follow your daughter her whole life.

There are so many things my mum has missed out on - every Christmas every birthday every Mothers Day - mine and my sisters weddings and if everything goes okay with this pregnancy meeting her first grandchild in September. The worst of it is I know she will be absolutely kicking herself wherever she is for not getting the help she needed and for leaving us. My youngest sister stuggles so much mentally because of what happened and I live in fear of losing her as well. Statistically you are up to 65% more at risk of taking your own life if you lost a close family member to suicide.

I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through I’m sure you are an incredible Mum to your little one, nothing and no one will ever be able to replace the hole you will leave in her life if you go…I really hope you are able to reach out and get the help you need and deserve xxx

IVTT · 19/04/2025 14:45

Hi OP,
I’ve been there having had suicidal thoughts after the births of all 3 of my DDs. At one point I was sectioned for my own safety. I spent 6 months and then 9 months in Mother and Baby MBU residential centres.

I’m still in contact with many of the people I met and absolutely EVERYONE gets better over time. My kids are now 9-14yrs old and every day I’m happy I was kept alive.

There are perinatal mental health specialists available in most areas of the country. Your GP/midwife/health visitor can refer you and you will get help far quicker than if you didn’t have a young baby.

Runningoutofpatiencefucksandmoney · 19/04/2025 15:26

I haven't read the posts, only yours OP. And it's really sad to read. My DH committed suicide when our 4 DC were in primary school. They are all now adults, but one DC has been in counselling for 10 years. I couldn't take their pain away, and I still can't. My other DC are all fully functioning adults, but one DD has dealt with this loss so traumatically I can't tell you. She will never be the same again. Self harming, many suicide attempts etc. She's currently doing REALLY well and I'm so proud of everything she's overcome. My point being is that 3 DC went through the same thing and all "recovered" (disclaimer - none of us will ever "recover" but we learned how to live with the gaping hole) my DD was completely different in learning how to live with this hole. You will never know how your DC will deal with this. Your DH may feel he isn't enough, whilst navigating his own grief. Please seek help. You are needed, and you are wanted. Whilst it is so hard for you now, I can promise you it won't always be like this

MsAnnFrope · 19/04/2025 19:02

Keep on breathing @sailawaywithme91, stay here. You are doing really well and you won’t regret staying alive. I don’t normally make promises as a random on the internet but as I said before I’ve been where you are and I’m so so grateful that nearly 10 years on I’m still here.

Original poster

sailawaywithme91 · 19/04/2025 19:06

Crazyladee · 19/04/2025 12:58

I'm writing this with the opposite viewpoint. I'm a mother who has lost a 24yr old son to suicide.
He also felt worthless and that we would all be better off without him. He saw his act as a kind of sacrifice. "Without me in the world, you will be able to live your lives without the million headaches and stress I cause you" I can't stress this enough.. do not underestimate how much of an impact it would make to your family.
We are at the five year mark now and I can say without an exaggeration, his death has almost destroyed us and affected the wider family as well. We have all changed in one way or another for the worst.

The three of us, DH, my youngest son and myself have all been diagnosed with major depression and social anxiety. We are all shells of the people we used to be. On top of that, we are all dealing with guilt, anger and just..an awful melancholy inside us that will probably stay with us for the rest of our lives.

I am so sorry, I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling 💔

It does feel like you'll be doing the world and everyone a favour by leaving but I know deep down pain is being left behind.

OP posts:

Littleorangeflowers · 22/04/2025 14:33

Hi OP

As others have said, you ending your life will leave a legacy for your child.
You say your mother was not very emotionally available, and this has left you with a mother wound. It sounds like you may have also left you contending with horrible thoughts and feelings that are difficult to bear. It'll probably help you, although it may be very painful, to explore these feelings with your therapist - the more you put these feelings into words, the more your ability to contain them will grow.

You're worried about the suicidality - you're also a mental health nurse so you know that it's probably unlikely that anything will be actioned via social services unless your baby is in danger of serious harm.

It's possible that in imagining that social services will take your baby is likely a fear of catastrophic loss, but it's a loss you have probably already felt - the disappointment and loss of not having your mother be the mother you hoped she would be.

Sometimes it helps to say to your therapist - I really want to talk about some very difficult thoughts and feelings but I'm scared of the consequences - have that conversation with them - if they are a well trained psychodynamic therapist, they will work this through with you until such time that you trust them. It might be trust in your therapist that is the issue rather than the thoughts themselves iyswim. I'm not saying the thoughts aren't important, just that there might be other dynamics at play too. And a good enough therapist will be very used to this.

Some people with a mother wound find it helpful to actively seek out mother figures - good ones - that are older and wiser, and that are kind.

Take care 🌹🌷and look after yourself - rose Otto massage oil - few drops in a carrier oil - if you like the smell, are not allergic to things like that (you can make this decision) - can really help when you've got a baby. I think you said LO was 9 months - some people feel really tired when their baby is this age, so be kind to yourself. You might have to make a bit of an effort here if your own mum isn't / wasn't around for you.

Another thing that people find helpful - your mind is the sky, your thoughts are just the weather - ooh look there's a stormy one, Oop we have a hurricane coming. Oh look a sunny day. It's a little bit detached but some people find it helpful.

That's a bit long! Take what fits and leave the rest 🌷🌷

Original poster

sailawaywithme91 · 22/04/2025 17:38

Littleorangeflowers · 22/04/2025 14:33

Hi OP

As others have said, you ending your life will leave a legacy for your child.
You say your mother was not very emotionally available, and this has left you with a mother wound. It sounds like you may have also left you contending with horrible thoughts and feelings that are difficult to bear. It'll probably help you, although it may be very painful, to explore these feelings with your therapist - the more you put these feelings into words, the more your ability to contain them will grow.

You're worried about the suicidality - you're also a mental health nurse so you know that it's probably unlikely that anything will be actioned via social services unless your baby is in danger of serious harm.

It's possible that in imagining that social services will take your baby is likely a fear of catastrophic loss, but it's a loss you have probably already felt - the disappointment and loss of not having your mother be the mother you hoped she would be.

Sometimes it helps to say to your therapist - I really want to talk about some very difficult thoughts and feelings but I'm scared of the consequences - have that conversation with them - if they are a well trained psychodynamic therapist, they will work this through with you until such time that you trust them. It might be trust in your therapist that is the issue rather than the thoughts themselves iyswim. I'm not saying the thoughts aren't important, just that there might be other dynamics at play too. And a good enough therapist will be very used to this.

Some people with a mother wound find it helpful to actively seek out mother figures - good ones - that are older and wiser, and that are kind.

Take care 🌹🌷and look after yourself - rose Otto massage oil - few drops in a carrier oil - if you like the smell, are not allergic to things like that (you can make this decision) - can really help when you've got a baby. I think you said LO was 9 months - some people feel really tired when their baby is this age, so be kind to yourself. You might have to make a bit of an effort here if your own mum isn't / wasn't around for you.

Another thing that people find helpful - your mind is the sky, your thoughts are just the weather - ooh look there's a stormy one, Oop we have a hurricane coming. Oh look a sunny day. It's a little bit detached but some people find it helpful.

That's a bit long! Take what fits and leave the rest 🌷🌷

Thank you ❤️ all very helpful and makes a lot of sense to me!

OP posts:

notthatoldchestnut · 15/05/2025 08:15

@sailawaywithme91 just checking in to see how you are?

NippyNinjaCrab · 15/05/2025 08:44

@sailawaywithme91 I've just read your first post and I must really beg you don't. It doesn't matter what age your child is, their life will be shaped by this. My sister killed herself in 2013. The boys were older but they had kids, it's not just them it's the whole family, the friend that found her, the guilt and loss. 12 years on and it's difficult to even say her name. I hope you get the help and support you need, stay and that's all I can say. X

PenguinLover24 · 15/05/2025 09:07

notthatoldchestnut · 15/05/2025 08:15

@sailawaywithme91 just checking in to see how you are?

What a lovely person you are ❤️ this has made me remember this thread and OP again and I'm hoping they're doing ok! x

LushLemonTart · 15/05/2025 17:24

I hope @sailawaywithme91 is doing ok.