how does suicide of a mother effect children later on?

[sailawaywithme91]

Please be kind. This is hard for me to write.

I am looking for any people that have lost a parent to suicide as a young child. To share (if they feel comfortable) their experience and how this has affected them later on?

I have a 9 month old. Who despite what many will think reading this thread, I love with my whole heart, I am to all intents and purposes a very good mother. Except I don't want to be here anymore, life feels unbearable. I am on medication, I am having therapy, I have tried and tried to change this feeling.

You son needs you and he will always need you. Whatever your depression is telling you, it is lying.

His life will be a million times better for having you in it and a hundred million times worse for not.

You will get better, this will pass.

I just wanted to say op what an incredible mummy you are to be doing such a wonderful job with your ds while carrying such a heavy burden yourself. The care you have for your child really stands out in your posts.

I thankfully didn't lose my mum to suicide but we had a few close calls as I was growing up. The hardest part for me was the self blame. As a child I wasn't old enough to understand why my mum 'didn't want to be with me' and I internalised that and felt that there must be something deeply wrong with me that I wasn't enough. When i was older and i was told about depression and ptsd i still found it hard to understand.

My mum still has days where she struggles but life has got so much better for her now and overall she's in a significantly better place in herself and I'm really glad she's still here and has been able to be part of the big moments in my life where I've needed her and now my ds is growing up with the experience of having a loving granny.

My experience is slightly different compared to what your ds is having because my mum really struggled to attach to me at all and in many ways was not a present mother when I was a child. I found that quite hard when I went on to have ds - I had this little boy who I loved with my whole heart and would have done anything for and it definitely brought up some feelings for me around my childhood and my mum not having that same feeling toward me (although I also now work in a mh related field so understand why this was). So op it would make complete sense that pregnancy and parenting has been triggering for you and has brought up the grief of not having the mother daughter relationship you would have wanted to have had. Again, it's a credit to you that you're doing so much to try and get better and still show up for your ds every day. Even though I find it hard that I don't have a strong bond with my mum, I look back now and I really appreciate the work and emotional labour she put into juggling raising us while struggling so much.

Some more time off work is probably a good idea right now as long as you can fill your time with a sense of structure. I would also just say that I've worked with a number of young people who have lost parents to suicide and its been traumatic for them even at early ages. I've also worked with a number who have ended up in care because a parent had ended their life and then another became sick or had an accident and there was just noone left who could take care of them. You're a key piece of your family and a key part of your child's security network. You are irreplaceable and you are important. You are loved.

@Bananasandcustard28 I am so so so sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

@sailawaywithme91 i am so so sorry you are going through such a tough time. I was where you sre once. I felt so so trapped that I did not want to carry on with doing life but I felt I had to for my dds. Roll on not that many years (about 6) and I can honestly say I no longer feel like that. Life isn’t always easy but I am so glad I didn’t end it.

@sailawaywithme91 I’m so sorry that this is how you are feeling and the conflict and pain must feel unimaginable.

I can only tell you how it feels to have a parent attempt but not complete suicide when I was a child.
I try so hard to feel compassion and empathy for their own pain and struggles but the child in me still feels hurt, angry, unwanted, unworthy. I wasn’t worth staying for.

I do have two friends in my life who had parents who completed suicide. One mum and one dad.

The impact has been life long and both feel it has very much shaped who they are and life has been difficult for both. They’ve had lots of therapy themselves to try and live with the pain and loss.

The PP above is right in that the pain is then passed to those left behind when a loved one ends their life.

I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty or to force you into living. I wonder if it feels like people are telling you that you must sacrifice your own wellbeing for your child and how impossibly painful that must be.

You know there is hope and that things can get better for you but it will be hard work will take time. You have been well before and you can be again and other people might need to believe that for you for a while.
You’re doing the right things, getting help and talking. I beg you though to be honest with the team about your suicidal thoughts.

Yes it will increase worry for your team and husband but it also means you can all be offered some extra support. They have to know that this is how you are feeling.

I wish you well.

Not only ripples into your son's life. Both my maternal grandparents killed themselves (separately, a few years apart). My mother somehow battled through - but deeply traumatised and unwell herself. So my childhood was miserable, compounded by losing my dad to cancer age 10. I'm determined that the trauma stops with me and my kids will never experience those ripples.

@sailawaywithme91
Hope you have got some sleep. The night time can be the hardest time.

Yes, you're right - you need to get signed off sick. Please try not to feel guilty about this because it is the right thing to do. I am not a medic but in a helping profession too so I get the guilt. My experience is that those of us who have always been very dedicated and capable at work find the shift to having to balance responsibility for own family and own needs as a parent very difficult. It's not something to rush back to when you're feeling so unwell. Hope you can get hold of your GP this morning and remember to tell them the the full story and don't filter the seriousness. You and you family's wellbeing is all that is important here and professionals will be receptive and supportive. Tell them how anxious you are about sharing.

Take it a small step at a time today and be gentle with yourself, like you would if this were a friend going through this.

Thank you for this thread OP. I took am feeling suicidal and the only thing stopping me is my daughter. Reading all the replies has strengthened my resistance and helped me see that, useless as I am, I am better for my daughter alive than dead. Offering a hand hold and some hope there are brighter days ahead.

Absolutely, it’s a domino effect and has far reaching consequences. I’m sorry you went through that, it sounds horrific. Wishing you nothing but good vibes and a happy life with your kids ♥️

🫂 💐 xx

@QueefQueen80s thanks - it happened before I was born so I didn't know anything about it until years later. Just experienced the fallout. But seeing how it's also affected my cousins' lives, my aunt's, my great-aunts'... awful.

@moggerhanger that's horrendous. So sorry your family have suffered so much.

I know only of one case. The mother of ; boys. One of the boys ended up as the boyfriend of the younger sister of my best friend. He died at 35 of alcoholism having lived a chaotic life. He was the last one standing. The other three died of suicide x 2 and Barbiturates overdose.

suicide of a parent fucks kids up for life.

The single most important thing you can do now is to speak to your crisis team and be completely honest about how you feel. There is help out there . You just need to get it . Take care of you and your little one xx

You can't help others when you're not feeling strong yourself, so close the door to work in your head and focus on you. If you're on medication, could this be a side effect? I only ask as I was given anti depressants following the stillbirth of my second baby and they made me feel far far worse. I ended up going cold turkey and stopping them after 3 months as DH was pulling his hair out with me - it made me so numb that nothing mattered and I felt that life was a mere existence - it sucked any joy away. I hope that makes sense?

Please reach out for help. I haven't lost anyone by suicide but lost my mum to illness when I was 6. It has affected me my whole life and my mental health has been terrible. Now many decades on I still miss her. I only have a handful of memories of her and it kills me that I can't remember her properly. For your son he will have no memories at all and it will eat him up all his life. I know how you feel as I've felt it too, but there is help out there for you and your life is worth so much, if not to you then to your son and family. Put work on the back burner and just concentrate on yourself, you can and will get through this. But you must be honest with those trying to help you. Sending you love and hope xx

This is not the same so apologies if I shouldn't write this

Someone I know left her husband and children for another man. Or left and started a relationship with another man (I'm not sure of the order of events). The children stayed with their father. These children are now adults and have suffered with depression, mental illness, suicide attempts/ideation. (And they have a great relationship now with their mum).

My point being, their mum left, didn't die and they still have had their lives completely upended and negatively affected. It will never go away for them. Imagine how much worse it would be if she had committed suicide.

Apologies if this is irrelevant

It’s so tricky when you work in the field yourself. It feels like it should be easier but it isn’t. I’ve never managed to keep a professional perspective on my own or family members mental health and I don’t even try anymore.
I’m glad you were able to enjoy life for so long and that you built a successful career that helped you (and I’m sure you have helped countless others). I don’t have any solutions (not that you’re asking for any) but my hope would be if you’ve done the immense amount of work it takes to live with happiness after a childhood filled with trauma then you can have the same after this. It just takes so long and when you’re in it it feels impossible to wait. I do hope you’re able to talk through with your therapist what you’re feeling as if you can’t share those thoughts with them without fear of immediately being sectioned that’s not great on the therapists part. Hopefully they’re skilled enough to be able to talk through it without a knee jerk referral to SS or for an MHA. But obviously you’d need to be able to give them some assurance about being able to keep yourself safe in the short term. I hope you can find a way through this for you and your son.

I'm sorry you are struggling with your mental health. I hope you can find a way to get the help and support you need.

I has a friend that lost a parent young. The parent died from sepsis. My friend suffered her whole life with a sense of abandonment. She had MH issues and later lost her internal battle. She died at 30.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way OP, I’ve been there when my second child was a similar age to yours. I made a serious attempt, which I obviously survived and I’m so thankful I did. There’s been lots of times over my DD’s life that they needed me, even now they’re both adults I’m the first they call when they’re having a rough day - nobody, nobody can replace you in your little boys life. Your DH and grandparents might be amazing, but they’re not you.

My brother took his own life and the repercussions throughout the family was immense - it massively affected people I know for a fact my DB would never have considered. Twenty years later it’s still something that affects us all. My mum totally withdrew and hardly bothered with her grandkids (or me!) from that day on - we are completely no contact now. I guess what I’m trying to say is, your DH is a good dad now, and your little one has grandparents now - but they haven’t been affected by the loss of you, you have no idea how much your death will impact on those relationships.

Please stick around - the choice of ending it all will always be there, you don’t have to make such a massive, final decision right now. Your little one is worth the fight, as are you

I’m so so sorry for all of you. Such a big and tragic loss.

My stepdads mum took her life when he was 9 he is 70 now and a lovely man but he suffers from depression as does his sister , it has tainted his whole life .

I think that the fact you had 10 good years is just so encouraging. Please please hang in there.

Tell anyone who will listen how you’re feeling. Absolutely anything that happens- section, social services involvement, friends keeping their distance- is better by far than your boy going through life without his mum.

By far the absolute worst thing I have ever had to do was to tell my children their mother had died. The impact on them was devastating. They will carry the damage with them forever.

My kids dad committed suicide 4 years ago.
My teenage children both have mental health issues.
It’s a struggle for them and me.
We weren’t together when he did it but I was still devastated at the time .
Now I go between feeling sorry for him and hating him for the trail of devastation he left behind .
He was taking drugs which I think led to depression.
He is in their eyes the best dad there ever was even though in reality he wasn’t that great, sure he had his moments.. I am the annoying parent and everything is my fault and he is placed on a pedestal.
It’s a journey to say the least.
Please don’t do this

I think you’ve been very brave to post this and to seek the help you’ve been getting. I do wonder if a different therapy at this point might be more helpful for you. Psychodynamic therapy is quite introspective and maybe something more active will be useful, like DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy), which is aimed at helping people change suicidal behaviours, or compassion-focused therapy.
Im glad you’ve had so many responses and I hope you take the time off you need to help your recovery. Take care.

@Ohisitjustme same thing happened to a school friend. Left 4 of them with dad. He made eldest,my friend, be 'wife' as in housework etc. She ended up on heroin as an adult. She was such a lovely lass. I don't know if she's alive now?