how does suicide of a mother effect children later on?

[sailawaywithme91]

Please be kind. This is hard for me to write.

I am looking for any people that have lost a parent to suicide as a young child. To share (if they feel comfortable) their experience and how this has affected them later on?

I have a 9 month old. Who despite what many will think reading this thread, I love with my whole heart, I am to all intents and purposes a very good mother. Except I don't want to be here anymore, life feels unbearable. I am on medication, I am having therapy, I have tried and tried to change this feeling.

I think her and her dad would be better off without me, but I'd have to die of natural causes for that to work.

@MsGoodenoughYour wee daughter i loves you with all her heart - you are the centre of her world.
Don’t break her little heart, she’d be devastated.
Please please get help for yourself.
Tell someone now in real life how you are feeling.

I have. I know. She is having fun with her dad right now and I'm hiding. He knows. I don't want to destroy her.

This all sounds so hard for you OP. I haven't felt actively suicidal, but over the past couple of years I've absolutely had moments of thinking my DC would be better off without me and have tried to 'run away' from the family home. My DC are 12 and 9. What helped me, saved me probably, is an amazing therapist who practices 'schema therapy'. It's enabled me to deal with the trauma of my childhood, understand myself and what my feelings about myself are (and that they're often incorrect) and help me come to terms with being a parent. It's not like any therapy I've had before and it's changed my life.

And one thing I do know - your son is not better off without you. And also that the reason your mother couldn't show you love and care isn't because there was/is something wrong with you or that you're in some way not good enough. You deserved to be nurtured as a child, and you deserve to be loved and cared for now.

Please don’t do anything. My friends mother did, and it’s totally and utterly ruined their life. They need you.

Thank you. I am about to have a haircut and I'm terrified if I don't like it it will push me over the edge. Stupid I know. Wish I'd cancelled.

Or you’ll feel better? At tiny bit more human perhaps? Nothing can be worse than right now, right? You go get that haircut X

A relative committed suicide when she was 40, her daughter did the same at a similar age. Please think carefully about the destruction you’ll leave behind.

Just want to say, coming from someone who has been there before, I'm in awe of the couple of mothers on here fighting daily despite suffering these awful feelings. That takes strength, and that strength will keep you going until you can surface from the depths of horrible depression. I will always have depression, but I can now live with it and not feel like I'm drowning every day wanting to die. Keep going x

@isolate34 I have been thinking about this thread a lot, because at points quite recently I have had similar thoughts and the same question.
Thank you for writing what you wrote, isolate34. It hs given me a strange sense of comfort to know that whilst I will probably wil always battle depression bouts, things can and will improve.

I am also thinking of you @sailawaywithme91 and @MsGoodEnough. I am not in particular good place, but I know we can get through. I hope you feel a tiny bit better X

I think if you still have hope, that's a really good sign that you can get better. I'm on a medication now that hasn't cured my depression but it has really helped, I've been through about 6 types to find one that I get on well with and many years of feeling hopeless but part of that was me giving up on medication or therapy, or not being strong with my doctor in pushing to try something else. There's still a lot of stigma unfortunately, but I've learned to try and treat myself how I'd treat someone else, with compassion and kindness, and recognising that I have a medical condition and none of this is my fault or a failing on my part has helped me accept my depression and learn to live with it and be open with people close to me so they can support me when I am low. X

@MsGoodenough I know it’s hard to understand or believe when you’re in the middle of it but you’re belief that you’re damaging her more than you would by not being her is your disease talking, not you. I believed the exact same thing a few years ago. That I’d be saving my DD from a future with a mother with MH problems and that I’d probably completely fuck her up and it was better I wasn’t there at all. It’s never better for a child to not have a mother. I realised that as she grew older in the moments that I saw how much she desperately needed me and the fact that I was her entire world. I even spent some time in a psychiatric ward and hearing how she took the news that I was “in hospital” was heartbreaking. According to my sister she was inconsolable- at only 3 yo i really didn’t think it’d affect her that much. But that made me realise I could never do that to her. If you have any family members who can look after her for a few weeks please try and check yourself into somewhere you can get some psychiatric help, it may help you realise just how much she needs you, and of course, hopefully will hugely help your MH and make you realise things CAN get better and that there is hope. Wishing you all the best xx

I'm absolutely not intending to add to your pain and guilt, OP: I've felt like you many times before and it is vile.
Honestly, I've read a very informative and honest book that included such issues and it was described as such that children biologically assume that parents who commit suicide squarely blame themselves. They assume that had they been better children, their parent would still be alive. It's a simple, black and white descriptor, but it's a belief they hold automatically. Of course, years of relevant therapy might be able to unravel such, but they assume it would be in their control for you not to do that.
I'm sorry you're feeling like this, it is absolutely horrible. I hope you find the solace you need xxxx

My son’s dad took his own life when my son was 4.5. Even though he hadn’t seen him for almost a year because of his mental health problems, and I doubt he has many actual memories of him, it’s left a massive hole in his life that I don’t think will ever be filled. We’re 4 years in and he still talks about missing him and wanting him. It’s getting worse as he gets older as he’s realising what he doesn’t have, and what he will never have. It’s the idea of “having a dad” that he will always be grieving for. I imagine in some ways this would be an even deeper ache for a mother. Please take care of yourself x

I had a school friend whose mum took her own life when she was about 6 and she really never got over it. She struggled with self esteem, was bullied and got involved in some very risky behaviour.

I have another friend whose mother took her own life when she was an adult. This friend felt utterly alone and abandoned by her mother and it made her own experience of motherhood very difficult.

I’m so sorry that you feel so desperate, @sailawaywithme91 and @MsGoodenough. Please, please hang in there. The world would not be the same without you. Your families need you. You are precious.

I am so sorry to hear all these stories. I can't face living but it's selfish to deprive DD of me because I want to die.

Please remember you won’t always feel this way @MsGoodenough.
when we’re in the depths of it it feels like we’re going to feel like this for the rest of our lives and that’s what feels unbearable, I think. But your brain is lying to you. You will feel happiness again.

I am going to lose my job and just don't know how I'll cope with that.

Hi op, I wanted to comment as I too parent alone without the presence or support of my mother. She's alive, like yours, and is awful, just like yours too! It is so so hard not to have that village, and I relate to you so much. I've spent a lot of time in therapy and now consider myself to be a 'cycle breaker' - we are breaking the cycle, for ourselves and our children and the generations that will come after us. For we will not be awful to our children, or their children, and therefore the shift starts with us. This makes us strong, so much stronger than we think and feel at times. You're already doing this by parenting your baby and by posting here. You can get through this - you're in the trenches at the moment - I too have a 9 month old and 3 year old, and I promise it does get so much better and easier.

Please do seek support and trust that you're meant to be here and try to figure out what's underlying your feelings of not wanting to be here. You're so important xx

I just wanted to pop on and say thank you for all the lovely responses I have read. The last days have been quite tough, I've been using all my energy to be present for my son and I haven't felt in the position to reply. But I appreciate it so much ❤️

He has been extra loving (lots of contact naps, we already co sleep) and even mastering new skills. I am so lucky to be his mummy. It's very tough to articulate my feelings for him and for myself and for them to match up at all but I am trying.

I'm so pleased to read you sound more positive.

A mother-shaped hole in a child's life is so tough. I remember my primary school teacher telling our class that the reason Trevor lashes out is because he doesn't have a mother. I'm sure you wouldn't want your son to be remembered in that way.

Thank you for responding @sailawaywithme91 . Sending thoughts. We don’t matter. Your ds matters and you are being such an amazing dm to put him first like this given how hard you are finding things. One day at a time. And I hope one day soon you find things aren’t quite so tough.

Suicide of a parent rips a family apart. Everyone blames each other utterly devastating

Are you getting support @MsGoodenough?
Your child needs you. Please please get help.

I'm writing this with the opposite viewpoint. I'm a mother who has lost a 24yr old son to suicide.
He also felt worthless and that we would all be better off without him. He saw his act as a kind of sacrifice. "Without me in the world, you will be able to live your lives without the million headaches and stress I cause you" I can't stress this enough.. do not underestimate how much of an impact it would make to your family.
We are at the five year mark now and I can say without an exaggeration, his death has almost destroyed us and affected the wider family as well. We have all changed in one way or another for the worst.

The three of us, DH, my youngest son and myself have all been diagnosed with major depression and social anxiety. We are all shells of the people we used to be. On top of that, we are all dealing with guilt, anger and just..an awful melancholy inside us that will probably stay with us for the rest of our lives.