how does suicide of a mother effect children later on?

[sailawaywithme91]

Please be kind. This is hard for me to write.

I am looking for any people that have lost a parent to suicide as a young child. To share (if they feel comfortable) their experience and how this has affected them later on?

I have a 9 month old. Who despite what many will think reading this thread, I love with my whole heart, I am to all intents and purposes a very good mother. Except I don't want to be here anymore, life feels unbearable. I am on medication, I am having therapy, I have tried and tried to change this feeling.

I don’t have personal experience of this but I’m a psychiatrist and have seen it second hand many times over. I say this so often to patients (it’s not my phrase but it hit home), when someone commits suicide, the immense pain and suffering they experienced in life doesn’t go with them, it gets passed to the people left behind. No one more than a child. It’s a lifelong wound to feel like you weren’t worth staying alive for and it sounds like you love your son dearly.
It sounds like your mental health was difficult for a long time before but the first year of a child’s life is so so hard (I do have personal experience of this) there is no way it’s not having a negative impact. I know you’ve said you perhaps felt pressured by others to have a child but it sounds like you must have felt more hopeful at some point in order to even give it a try. I hope you can tap into that hope and carry on with medication, therapy and anything else that’s helpful.

My nephews lost their dad at 2 and 9 years of age. They have each had different problems, they are now 23 and 30 years old. The elder one got married recently and even after 20 years he is still devastated by the loss. As many others have said he has confidence issues and cannot understand why he was not enough. He was also bullied at school quite badly when kids found out. We have just about managed to keep him on the rails and he appears settled now though still very sad.
As for being younger and less affected - the younger nephew remembers less as he was barely 2 but his thoughts are the same, why was he not enough. He is really struggling mentally and we are worried for him as he may follow a similar path to his father. He visits the grave every week and has mental health issues.
The grandparents (and rest of family) have been heavily involved but they are not a replacement.
Please seek whatever you need to keep going. Your son needs you.

My Nans mum committed suicide when she was a child, her brother found her. The siblings were separated and she never got on with her step mother who came along many years later.

But the saddest part is she can not listen and talk to her friends reminiscing about their happy childhoods, because she didn’t have one. She has tears in her eyes when she tells me about it. It makes her feel isolated and it still affects her. She’s in her 90s now and it has dictated her whole life.

Please talk to someone, does your DH know how you feel?

My husband died by suicide 8 months ago and I have a 7 and 11 year old. All I can say is please please don’t do this. My daughters and I are going through hell

I know someone who lost her mum to suicide when she was 18,
she is in her 30s now, with 2 children of her own.
The depth of her sadness and pain is so very sad( and she’s an amazing, proactive and positive person)

@sailawaywithme91 I felt the same. The emotional pain at my own mother's rejection, abandonment and neglect was worst in the postnatal period than any other time of my life. It is a time when we desperately need to be nurtured ourselves so it does make sense that your circumstances have made you feel much more unwell right now. I'm just so sorry you're in this situation and it's taken a huge toll on your mental health. You need more than just you and your husband. We all need a village of some sort and for some of us that will need to be professionals for this period of our lives.

I get that you feel self-conscious as a MHP yourself but please do not let this deter you from getting help and taking every possible available service there is. When I was in a MBU with my daughter, the other mums patients on the ward included medical professionals. You know it is not uncommon form MHP to have their own MH history and they are professionals who will respect and support you because you are getting help. You can also state that your situation is more sensitive because of your work but I honestly I don't think this is any where near as important as you and your husband and child getting the chance to get support and help and get better.

The village doesn’t have to be blood related. Neighbours who care are invaluable for support of young families and, if you ask them, will treasure the chance to be part of your life.
Bin off your mother. Bin off your job. Seek new circumstances.

Sweetheart, I was much older probably than you are now when my mum tried to kill herself and I can only tell you how it made me feel, lost, confused angry, and so grateful that she didn’t succeed in taking herself away from us. Our family has a long history of this, my mum’s father and grandfather both died by suicide, please don’t hand this awful legacy on to your children, know that you are loved and worthy of love and life. Reach out for help now x

I am a very senior mental health nurse myself. Yes I had 10 very happy years after a very traumatic childhood and developing CPTSD. Dedicated my career to helping YP myself and it has been hugely rewarding. But stressor after stressor in my personal life led to a pretty major relapse and I was admitted formally. It's very hard to keep my professional head on when it's your own life and day to day experience. I am receiving all the support I possibly can and it just isn't enough.

@sailawaywithme91

Could an MBU admission be an option for you? There are several in different parts of the country if you want to avoid colleagues who might know you.

Your situation definitely sounds serious enough with your cPTSD diagnosis and severe depression.

I remember having absolutely no hope whatsoever when I was admitted to the MBU. I truly felt the whole thing was pointless and a waste of time and that I could never sustain any slight degree of positivity or happiness. But the support in there was amazing and the other mums in similar situations were an incredible support. All the mums were brilliant mums to their babies. They, like me and like you, just had severe mental health illness which they needed professional support with.

You are very unwell at the moment and your deserve compassion and support. And if you have to turn up at A and E as your only option, then you need to make yourself do that. The highest level of support needs to kick in for you and I t can and will make a difference.

A hugely rewarding career suggests you’re a very effective professional. You have helped others but are prepared to leave your baby and husband with such an awful legacy for that’s what it is. Yes, I am guilt tripping you because it leaves others angry, feeling guilty and worthless, forever tainted.
Dwell upon your strengths. Minimise the stressors and formal admission by placing them in the past.

Drop the self doubt and lack of self belief.
You must know people who have come through. Include yourself. You have a bright future ahead of you if you’ll only give it a chance. No one can help you until you let them in.

This happened to a friend of mine and she never really recovered from it, she's nearly 50 now.

I had involvement from a perinatal team from preconception until baby was 5 months old. They discharged me because I was a "good mother, who had a beautiful bond with her baby". It was all v focused on my bond with my son, which was never in doubt. I am now receiving psychodynamic therapy through AMHS. But I suppose sometimes I am reluctant to talk about my suicidal thoughts and plans due to potential social services involvement and also I know if I was honest I would probably be sectioned and I don't want another admission. I find it highly triggering. Might all sound a bit wishy washy but it's just tricky.

@sailawaywithme91 surely an admission is better than your death and leaving ds?

Sorry OP, but literally nobody is going to say 'Yes, your child will be fine if you commit suicide'.

Of course I'm not expecting that. I was asking for experiences and how it effected others

Just here to send lots of love to you OP. I lost a very dear family friend to suicide. I had no idea she was unwell, no one did really. Her children were young adults but are still deeply affected.
Please don’t give up-you sound lovely and warm and clever and have so much to give to your son and family. Do whatever it takes to get through it because you are worth it, you deserve to be happy and live this life xxx

As someone who lost a parent to suicide, it ruined my life and that of my siblings. We always wondered why we weren’t enough for them to stay. I know it’s not that simple but that’s how it felt as kids. It ruined the lives of their siblings and parents too. My grandparents never got over it. It would be a horrible choice for you to make and would ruin your childs life. Their whole life. You don’t just get over it. I often wonder what they would be like as a grandparent, wish they could have seen me get married, met my husband, play with my kids, celebrated their big birthdays. There was a whole life here with them and they’re not here.

I was 22 years old when my mother jumped in front of a tube train. My father beat my mother every year of her married life, he broke her spirit and will to live. She was committed to a mental hospital three times, and the last time they gave her electro convulsive therapy.

The effects of her suicide have been profound. I turned to alcohol for over 30 years to dull the pain. My answer was to be found in the bottom of a pint glas or a bottle of spirits. As I kept asking the question - WHY? That one thought went around my brain like a washing machine on an eternal spin cycle. WHY!

I could not form relationships. I loved my mum the most, so I could not trust anyone not to shatter my heart again.

I drank and missed job promotions, work opportunities and relationships. Embarrassed myself at family functions due to excessive drinking.

I married late at 39 and my partner is wonderful and supportive. The WHY question still gnawed at me, the monkey on my back. I had 3 beautiful adorable children but I still drank.

My “social” drinking now was out of control, it was now dangerous amounts of spirits drunk.

Two years ago, it got really bad and I went to alcohol counselling and cognitive behaviourial therapy CBT. Joining AA was the turning point for me - admitting I was an alcoholic and needed help. AA saved my life. It is debt I repay by now helping other alcoholics find sobriety.

My mind is now clearer as to the WHY of my mum’s suicide - I don’t know and don’t need to know WHY. Crucially, I have accepted and respected her reason and right to kill herself.

My children always ask about the grandmother they never knew. It breaks my heart. I tell them the truth - your grandmother was a kind and loving person. When they are older I will tell them everything.

I am sober now and I am at peace with my demons.

I never had a chance to say goodbye. It really hurts.

Be kind to loved ones, hold them tight, tell them you love them, because tomorrow might never come to say those three words ever again.

All I can say is the decision that my mother made ripples through the generations.

OP I’m so sorry that you feel this way and I really hope you can find the strength to reach out to support services or even friends and family who can help you on the road to feeling better.
I haven’t had any experience of what you asked directly, but I do have a friend whose mum committed suicide when we were at school. She was 10 and found her mum when she got home from school. She never got over it and very sadly took her own life many years later, in exactly the same way. Her son was 8 and honestly, it is heartbreaking that the cycle continued.

please please keep talking. Your children need you. They love you and no one will fill the hole in their lives in the way that you do.

@sailawaywithme91
I hear you and it does feel scary, I felt the same. I was terrified of a SS referral but actually when it happened it was only a positive experience because I (finally) has another person really advocating for me to get the medical support I needed. It brought all the services together so I couldn't slip through the net.

I wasn't sectioned if that makes any difference to you, despite how bad I was. I was a voluntary patient (TBF if I had refused I could potentially have been sectioned). I don't know if you have been on an MBU, but it is not the same as ab adult psych ward. It's designed to be much more homely and child friendly. There are nursery nurses and child focused therapies like music or play therapy. As well as the usual clinicians.

It sounds like PMHT discharged you because you seemed to be doing well. But that is allowed to change and you are allowed to go back and to them or step up to MBU.

I'd urge you to look at your first post as if someone else had written it. If you just look at how you are thinking and feeling right now, would you honestly think it's a good idea to carry on as you are? Is that truly what's safest and best for you and for your little one and your husband?

There is no shame in being unwell despite what your brain might be telling you at the moment. You love your son. What he most needs is a mum who is well and for that to happen you need more support.

Please don't filter the truth of how awful you are feeling. So what if you get a SS referral? If it helps you and your child and husband, isn't it worth it?

You don't sound wishy washy, lovely. You sound unwell and like you aren't thinking as clearly as you would if this were another mum coming to you to tell you this is how they are feeling.

It is scary reaching out but what have you got to lose? Sending you compassion and strength and love from me to you.

You won’t be unique in your fears which will have been heard before.

I felt this way when I had depression, I didn’t realise it was a symptom of depression. I didn’t really not want to be here anymore, I was just very very unwell.

it did get better, I started keeping a mood diary and I noticed I was having better and better days. More green moments than red.

keep going x

Everything everyone said.
Additional experience or story I can offer is someone in my extended family in a previous generation lost their mother to suicide. Their dad married a woman who despised the child and couldn't have any of her own. She took it out all on her. Beat her up, severely, everyday. The dad turned a blind eye. She grew up with the trauma of her mum leaving her abondened ( her words and feelings were that she was abondened) to this woman. She left home as soon as she could, had a traumatic life. Her life was derailed in that moment her mom took that decision. And it is indeed generational. Our family still talks about it, three generations on. When I heard about this story as a child I myself had nightmares my parents could leave me anytime. Please op, please consider all this.

I am so sorry you are feeling so awful. Please do reach out for help. I had a friend at school who found her mother in a failed suicide attempt when we were 13. It was devastating for her. And I agree with pp who said that suicide ripples down for generations. Someone in my grandmothers generation took their life and I think about it and how they did it really often and always have.