how does suicide of a mother effect children later on?

[sailawaywithme91]

Please be kind. This is hard for me to write.

I am looking for any people that have lost a parent to suicide as a young child. To share (if they feel comfortable) their experience and how this has affected them later on?

I have a 9 month old. Who despite what many will think reading this thread, I love with my whole heart, I am to all intents and purposes a very good mother. Except I don't want to be here anymore, life feels unbearable. I am on medication, I am having therapy, I have tried and tried to change this feeling.

I think it affects children terribly when their mother dies from natural causes or an accident but to know she did it to herself would be a whole new level of trauma. Please don't do it op, your baby needs you today and every day. I hope you get the help you need xx

I think you know the impact on him would be horrific. Keep that in your mind.
But also be aware that (and I hope this isn't on your mind at all) his life would still be worth living and those cases where parents take their children's lives too are 100x worse than the child living with the struggle of losing a parent.

He needs you, if need be you can request to be sectioned for your own safety. If you reach the point where you're going to do something, ask to be sectioned instead. You are carrying on for your son at this point, and in time you will reach a point where you want to carry on for yourself too even though it's likely impossible to see at the moment.

I was in your position. In pregnancy and then again later when my DS was 4 months. I used to plan ways to kill myself without somehow harming the baby. I was sectioned and hospitalised (with him in an MBU) and it was hard but it was the best thing. They put me on some good drugs and I had therapy. One person I was in there was a mental health nurse and also very ill. I really struggled and it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But now, two years down the line, I’m healthier mentally than I’ve ever been. The professionals put it down to hormones and so stress of babies and sleep deprivation etc. I think you desperately need to reach out to your peri natal team. You are obviously in unbearable pain and need help. It’s not possible to manage this by yourself. You’re not letting anyone down, least of all your baby, by asking for help. The main thing I want to tell you, is that you can feel like this, and with help, get through it, and be better for it. If there’s anything I can do to help just comment and I’ll try my best. Your baby loves you and you love them and that’s the most important thing. Sending you so so so much love and compassion xxxx

I have taught children who lost parents to suicide. It's horrific. In one case the father left a suicide note addressed to his 9 year-old daughter. Her mother felt unable to talk to her about it, so it destroyed their relationship too. Nobody comes out of this ok.

I’ve not lost a parent to suicide but I’ve been where you are. I took an overdose when DD was 3 after years of mental illness which was made much worse by perinatal hormones.
When I realised what I’d done and how I really might die it terrified me. I was so lucky I could be treated and I’m still here. I’m not saying I never had those feelings of it being unbearable but I made a promise to myself. I could do anything, change my life however, tell people all the dark thoughts in my head because anything would be better than leaving DD.
she’s nearly 12 now and I’m still the most important person to her. Our family are lovely, DH is a great dad. But I’m essential to her, even when I’m sad or grumpy or find my own self unbearable. Allow yourself to do anything but die and for me that is how I kept going when I felt like I can’t. I don’t need a perfect or even good life, I just need to stay here until this time of darkness passes.

OP, I’m glad to hear there’s a part of your that cherishes your life now with your beautiful baby and husband, I sense that’s a part of you that holds the hope. The other part of you, wounded and in extreme pain, probably does have the urge to die. I appreciate you’re worried about the implications of sharing your suicidal thoughts or plans in therapy, especially because you’re in the field. However, if you believe these feelings stem from childhood, a time when you had very limited vocabulary and autonomy, therapy is the place to make sense of these confusing early experiences and give a voice to a younger place in you.

I’m so sorry you didn’t have the Mother you deserved, OP, have you ever been able to properly grieve? Sometimes it’s not that we want our life to end, but we just don’t know how to live the life we have. You are worthy of healing and I hope you find a way. Never lose hope, my luv ❤️

@sailawaywithme91 I was where you are a few years back. I remember thinking it would be great to get something that would cause death so the pain would stop so that my children would be able to process my death easier. But I recovered, I found my strength to look for the good in life and step away from the harm.

It was my family, the people I absolutely adored who caused the harm. The harm is still out there and ongoing but I can coexist with the people who did that and move away from them and I am so happy, so happy. It can and does turn around and it is absolutely true the darkest is before the dawn. You will get through,

I can't speak to how it would be for someone whose parent committed suicide when they were a child. My mother did almost 7 years ago, when she was 60 and I was 33. All I can say is that even with adult understanding of her terrible mental suffering, it broke me in ways that will never fully heal.

It is always possible to die. The option doesn't go away if you don't do it right now. So just choose to live another day. And then another. One at a time. You don't have to imagine the whole scope of your life, another 40 or 50 years of feeling how you do now; you just have to not die today. The option is always available to you, it's there, the backstop for when living becomes intolerable. So it doesn't have to be now xx

Gosh, I am so surprised how many have direct experience on this thread.

I know someone who has no memory of their mother (I think their mother died in childbirth of their younger sibling).

They themselves went on to make multiple attempts on their life and be sectioned in very later life. Which in turn affected their own children.

Sending much strength to break the cycle of such relationships with mothers.

I am so grateful for all your responses and have read every single one ❤️

I'm due back to work soon and I think I need to see my GP about potentially getting a sick note whilst I finish my therapy and get better. Although that ALSO makes me feel incredibly guilty.

@sailawaywithme91 please don't let your feeling about work or fear of children's services get in the way of getting everything you need. Unfortunately as you probably know mental health problems are really common in the helping professions. It is very common in social work too. The work we do is traumatic and can build up impact wise. Culturally in the UK people get therapy or MH treatment in these professions but do it in shame and don't talk about it. If there is a children's services referral then if it meets the threshold involvement then there is a responsibility to start with lower level support. Can I also kindly suggest that if you are at the point of thinking of ending your life that you talk with your mh team about your logical thinking because the impact of a children's services referral is obviously much less than the impact of ending your life? Could you maybe try not to think about your identity as a professional and just focus on your wellbeing so it's not another stressor. You said you don't have a village but there are loads of people reading out to support you here. Maybe that is something that might be possible in real life too with less obvious connections? I hope you get the support your deserve

Oh your post crossed with mine. Get that sick note. It's really the only possible option and takes one thing off the list

Yes op, you should definitely see your gp and get a sick note. It is very clear from your posts that you are medically unfit for work. You must allow yourself time to get better before you try and add the weight of work to your life. I am mentally well and having a young child and a busy job has been excruciating at times. Please prioritise your health and your family.

I’ve been where you are Op, but ultimately the emotional legacy for my DC was so bleak that I knew that I couldn’t hurt them nor irreparably damage them.

honestly, that isn’t anything to feel guilty about op. At all. That’s an amazingly brave step to take.

Hi @sailawaywithme91. I was you 21 years ago. I didn’t want to be here. I even left my son alone when he was 3 months old as I wanted to end it all. I didn’t want to be here before he was born and after. He held me back though, because of him I stayed , just thinking about what he would be like without me. It was hard but I got through it. It was hard. But I made it and am now the mum of a fantastic 21 year old.
Take it day by day. Every day find something that makes you feel good. A smile from your DC, a bird singing, a walk in the park. I took baby steps and all the help I could get. Counselling was a help.
Talk to people. PM me. Your child needs you.

I’m going to be controversial on this one but personally I found, structure, routine and purpose helped enormously with my appalling mental health. I don’t think it is universal by any means but equally I don’t think not working is universally the answer.

It was a long time ago now.

I will never forgive.

@Lisapieces I'm not sure id you picked up that sailawaywithme is a mental health nurse? She mentioned it a little bit ago. I think this is the reason why everyone is giving her clear advice this isn't the right time to go back

Dear OP, I was you. It was hell. I fought through it and 18 years on am thankful every day. My kids are fine. I'm happy and I get to see them. It's an illness. It does and will pass.
My father grew up with no mother and it deeply affected him. X

Sorry, haven’t read the whole thread.
A close friend of mine during childhood lost her father to suicide. She was a young child when it happened. Apparently she’d even been in the house while he did it, which is harrowing. She never recovered, not really. She was terrified of the dark and going even to the toilet alone until she was 16. Or going upstairs when everyone else was downstairs. She always felt like she was being watched and was very anxious all the time, she realised this was all to do with the loss and the circumstances.
She’s suffered with poor relationships as an adult and makes bad decisions and paranoia. I don’t know if she’s still scared of the dark. She’s a smart and lovely girl - now woman - and I’d love to know what she would have been like if this tragedy didn’t happen. Her name is Emma, Emma if you should see this I still think of you with love.

the younger they are, the less it will damage them

To not be able to remember your mother's voice or picture her face in any way other than a faded photograph. To not be able to remember her touch, her smell, her laugh, her clothes. To know that you were never able to speak to her, to walk to her, walk with her. That you never had those simple shared experiences that those of us that remember our mothers will treasure forever.

No, it's not easier for them if they are younger. You would be taking away so much that they have never even had a chance to experience.

Your child will grow up thinking their mum, the person who gave birth to them, and is supposed to love and protect them, didn’t love them enough to stay with them. Imagine how that will feel to them.

So sorry you’re feeling this way OP, I totally relate. I love my DD more than anything in the world, but I was so ill when she was about 16 months that I tried to take my own life. I reasoned that she wouldn’t remember me and that going through life with a mother with such bad mental health would be worse for her. I was also an addict. However, life got better (although I always have and always will have depression) but I got clean, had a lot of therapy, changed my medication and came out of it 3 years later much better. I still sometimes have bouts of depression and feel suicidal but now DD is 4 and has an extremely powerful bond to me, and permanent memories, I know I could never do that to her (I also realise had the attempt worked when she was 16 mths she still would have struggled with it when she learnt the truth years later) but there’s something now about our bond and relationship and how much she needs me that keeps me alive. I love her a lot more than I love myself and no matter how much I am suffering I know I could never abandon her. If it wasn’t for her I know I wouldn’t be alive now. But living through the darkest times, only staying alive for her, has finally brought me to a place where I’m starting to feel ok again and I’m starting to not just live for her anymore. I don’t know if that is helpful, sorry it’s a bit of a ramble, but I guess what I’m trying to say is hang on in there, if your DC is the only thing keeping you alive for now let him be it, keep going for him, do what you can to help yourself, and remember that how you feel is unlikely to be permanent, there is always hope because you never know what the future holds. When I was at my worst it helped me to think, well it can’t get any worse than this so there’s only one way for it to go - it has to eventually get better. Take care of yourself and please reach out to the samaratins, they can be super helpful. It might also be worth being referred to your community mental health team if you’re not already with them

I don't have children, op, and no one in my family has died by suicide. I know of at least 1 attempt however and have been suicidal myself on several occasions, so in your posts I recognise the torture you're feeling.

I also recognise your reaching out to find a way to cling on, because I've done the same. The fact that you're asking us is your rational mind knowing how devastating & irreversible the effect on your son will be and needing us to bring it home to you, because your pain is blocking you from feeling it.

But it does mean that as desperate as you feel right now, you have doubts and are looking for reasons to stay alive and that is a good sign.

Remember: suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Sometimes, the 'temporary' bit feels like it's lasting for an eternity but it isn't. This will pass, and as hard as it for you to imagine right now, you will feel better and one day, not that far away, you will realise that you haven't felt suicidal for a while.

Then you will start to notice small improvements in your mental health, you'll notice them by the growing absence of your darkest thoughts before you notice the joy you start to feel once more.

Depression is incredibly cruel. It stops us from thinking properly, from believing in ourselves and our importance to others and hides hope from us. But hope is always there.

All you need to do is cling on by one fingernail for long enough and you will see it once more. I promise. ❤️

Take things an hour at a time, that's all you have to do. And be honest with your health visitor and GP, for your son's sake. Don't let him grow up knowing that he was your greatest joy but still not enough for you to stay with him.