I think suicide is my best option

[Lonelyinabusyworld]

I have struggled with my mental health my whole life but have somehow managed to raise 4 healthy children with my second husband. He now has early onset Dementia and the 2 boys who still live at home are planning to move out. We can’t afford to live here without their contributions but I can’t keep them here. They deserve their own lives. My two daughters are busy and somewhat distant although thriving. I’m 64 now and although I am well regarded and have a doctorate my health has not enabled us to set ourselves up well for a retirement. I had a conversation with my youngest son last night where he stated that he has never been able to leave home as he thought I wouldn’t cope. It made me feel terrible. I know the state will care for my husband - we are in the U.K. and I know the children especially my daughters will care for him as they seem to prefer his situation to mine. I have a plan to end it all. But don’t want to leave guilt behind. There is enough insurance money to enable a funeral for me and some to keep him going for a bit. Writing this down has given me some peace and determination that my not being here anymore is the best option to set them all free.m

From one human being to another, a big hug to you. I can understand how desperate this must feel, however I would struggle to believe that you would not be missed terribly should you choose to end your life under these circumstances. I hope that you find a path through that means you do not have to take this course of action.

Please talk to someone in real life. I am sure you would be really missed by your children and husband. It may seem an option today but please try and focus on some positives.

Hi you - I dont have any financial advice, but you have a family who would be distraught to know that they could have helped out and you didnt give them the chance.

There are some good things in your life, firstly your children. You are a good person and deserve to be happy.

Can you downsize?
Is DH able to go to respite care?

You sound exhausted.

Suicide is never the best option. You are leaving behind devastation, hurt and anger!

I have a parent who committed suicide and 40 years later I still feel abandoned, hurt and angry that I wasn’t worth them seeking help and getting better for.

please speak to your doctor there are other options.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

We see that you are getting some wonderful support already - support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters. But as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We wish you the very very best,
MNHQ 💐

While you are focussed on that path you are not looking for other options. Given that you have somehow managed to raise 4 healthy children you are resourceful, experienced, loving and wise. There are people who are waiting to help you, surely it's worth having those conversations?

But don’t want to leave guilt behind

Then don't kill yourself.

I just wanted to make it clear that in NO way am I asking for financial assistance from anyone.

What assistance can we give that will make a difference?

Please don’t do this. There is always a way through.
Your children will be beyond devastated and guilt-ridden for the rest of their lives.
You don’t need a champagne lifestyle. There are lots of ways to make cutbacks.

I speak as one who planned to do the same thing, naively thinking that only my younger DC would be affected.

You say that you 'can't stay here' without sons contributed. This implies to me you have a big house to accommodate everyone and this is what you can't afford. Can you just downside? If you commit suicide your husband will (I assume) have to move out anyway.

Just really want to say what I needed to say without any person I know being a part of the conversation. I really want to protect them but feel helpless in doing so.

As the mother of a ds who took his own life 5 months ago....please don't. Xx

I know this seems selfish and I hate myself even more for being this way. I just have been holding everything together and it’s all now out of my control. I already hate myself for even thinking this but I fell I don’t have a choice but to escape somehow. I’m not proud or what I plan but I can’t seem to see options.

You can't protect your children if you decide to take your own life. You will hurt them beyond measure, they will probably never get over it, and the repercussions will be felt down the generations.

Please find another way. Things might look bleak right now, but that doesn't mean they will look that bad forever. Talk to someone. Get help. Death is not your only option here, and it certainly isn't the best one.

I’m trying, I really am.

Please call and speak to the Samaritans 116 123

They won't judge, they won't tell you you are selfish, they won't tell you to think about your family and how it will make others feel...instead they will ask you about YOUR feelings and let you say what you feel and allow you to be honest and help you explore those feelings, no matter how dark they are.

There is no shame in feeling suicidal and it takes great courage to admit those feelings and start opening up and talking about them.

For what it's worth, I care about you and really hope you reach out and talk to someone else who will too and will let you say all things things and encourage you to explore those darkest of feelings in a safe space.

Please reach out and call 116 123

Hi OP. Are you able to speak to your GP at all? Explain how you’re feeling? x

My plan, although it may not be effective is to make this look not like a suicide but something natural. I know they will be sad but I want to free them of myself and set them free.

Thank you for your kindness, I don’t feel I am worth it but I appreciate it. I am seeing a psychiatrist today thanks to your suggestion but I’m not confident more medication is the answer. But I will at least try and talk.

Hi @Lonelyinabusyworld I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling this way, it sounds really tough.

There are always, always options, sometimes we need outside help to see what they may be.

A few people have already mentioned it and I was also going to ask have you considered downsizing and getting a smaller property in the same area? It may feel overwhelming, but with support it may be a great option to explore and plan to do at a time when you feel stronger.

Another voice here, urging you to reach out and speak to the Samaritans and your GP today.

Please look after yourself OP. You are a special and valued person.

It is harder than you think to kill yourself. It will probably hurt. A lot. And it will leave a mess in literal and other ways which your loved ones will have to process for the rest of their days. And for the person who finds you if you succeed. And what if you are not 100% successful? It may leave you in a worse place than you are now, but no longer with the physical ability to do anything.

It is NOT like you see it in films and on TV. Generally you don't just take a few pills and fall peacefully into sleep, never to wake. That is not the reality. The reality is frightening and it f~cking hurts.

I am sorry to present things to you in such a stark way. But killing yourself is not the answer. However bleak things seem. The world, and your family's world, is a much better place for having you alive in it.

But I know how it feels. To be so far down at the bottom of a smooth-sided pit that you can't even get a firm finger-hold to try and climb out of it. I have been there. I have attempted suicide - I would have succeeded if it had not been for my dog, who ran off and got help. It has not been easy - I take anti-depressants, I also did cognitive behavioural therapy, which I found very helpful. but I will wholeheartedly say that I am glad I did not succeed. The CBT helped me to get out of the thought spirals that always led me to feel that I had no other option than suicide.

Keep going. Just for a little bit longer. Please do seek the advice of your GP. Life on anti-depressants is manageable. It helps with the physical aspect to the depression we suffer. It can also help to speak to someone about what's going on. Is there any respite available for your husband that could give you a bit of a break - a local men's shed or similar group if he's up to it? You might also find some useful support here: Dementia Support Forum.

Keep posting on here. You clearly have lived a worthwhile life, with family that love you. It won't always be this sh~t. Please, please don't kill yourself. There are better days ahead for you.

Keep going. You deserve your life. Your children deserve you in their lives. 💐 It will be alright - even if it doesn't seem like it at the moment. x

Thank you for your kindness.

The trauma that suicide leaves behind is devastating. It can easily pass down 2/3 generations, creeping into the lives of children who are not even born as yet.

The idea of suicide is sneaky in that it presents itself as a solution, but in reality it is disguising its true self.

I am bereaved by suicide and this is so true.

I feel so sad and sorry for you feeling so desperate. Suicidal ideation is a sneaky bugger though. You may not believe it but there is another path.

You are beloved and loving and worthy of love. Speak your thoughts out loud to a professional or service that can hear you. Take care x