I think suicide is my best option

[Lonelyinabusyworld]

I have struggled with my mental health my whole life but have somehow managed to raise 4 healthy children with my second husband. He now has early onset Dementia and the 2 boys who still live at home are planning to move out. We can’t afford to live here without their contributions but I can’t keep them here. They deserve their own lives. My two daughters are busy and somewhat distant although thriving. I’m 64 now and although I am well regarded and have a doctorate my health has not enabled us to set ourselves up well for a retirement. I had a conversation with my youngest son last night where he stated that he has never been able to leave home as he thought I wouldn’t cope. It made me feel terrible. I know the state will care for my husband - we are in the U.K. and I know the children especially my daughters will care for him as they seem to prefer his situation to mine. I have a plan to end it all. But don’t want to leave guilt behind. There is enough insurance money to enable a funeral for me and some to keep him going for a bit. Writing this down has given me some peace and determination that my not being here anymore is the best option to set them all free.m

i speak from experience , suicide absolutely devastated our family . Your kids will have a lifetime of not feeling they wereenough to keep you alive, heaps of abandonment and not being enough year of trauma therapy

also insurance will not pay out so they will be in debt

please don’t

I’m really trying.

Yes, keep trying. It is selfish to commit suicide. Your children will remember you only for that one, final selfish act and the fact that they were not worth enough to you for you to stay living. It will not be their fault but they will always blame themselves.

You have competently raised four children to be independent and to look after themselves.
Delight in them moving on to their own life.

Adjust your own life to suit your means.

You might need to ...

down size your home
change neighbourhoods
live on the pension
take a part time retail, cleaning or cooking job
start a lawn mowing service with DH and you
take a pet caretaker job or house sit
look for a live in carer's position

@Lonelyinabusyworld
I am so very sorry for your travails. Depression is a complete bastard, especially when it becomes so untenable that being dead seems like an appealing alternative. I’ve bought that T-shirt more than a few times! The thing I always try and hang on to (although sometimes it’s very difficult) is that no matter how bleak and terrible life feels, it won’t be that way forever - otherwise you would have lived your whole life with zero happy moments if that were true. When everything feels too big and overwhelming and you feel like you’re drowning in treacle (Sylvia Plath put it best, “Drowning not waving” 😅) because life seems impossible and you’ve forgotten what joy feels like, yes, that sweet, slow slide into oblivion becomes a very tempting option. But dead is forever and you have an illness that isn’t necessarily forever, that is possible to recover from but you need help and support. I hope you find that help because your life is precious and, as the advert said “because you’re worth it”! (Gallows humour has been my saving grace 😅)
You seem like you are very isolated and don’t mention friends at all, so speak to professionals and when you are feeling better take the time to invest in yourself and YOUR needs rather than your immediate family. I hope you refind your joy in life. It IS still there in you, it’s just been very deeply buried over by all the shit. I find art and music enormously helpful in recovering my joie de vivre and I hope you too can come out the other side with help from whatever works for you ✌🏽❣️

6

I'm sorry you are feeling like this op. Please seek professional help.

Insurance is unlikely to pay out in the event of suicide, sorry. You would be leaving behind guilt, anger, frustration and financial burden.

Telling someone who feels as they do that what they think they want to do is selfish, is really unfair. Do you really think that helps @Lonelyinabusyworld ,
@user1492757084 ?

I'm sorry to hear your in such a bad place.

It sounds like the main trigger is financial stressor and environmental? With your DH health too?

I would aim to see what support and routes are available to get a plan to alleviate the financial situation.
Citizens advice have advisors that may point you into the right direction.
Downsizing? Lowering your bills, (once your son moves out i think you would qualify for council tax discount? Water bills can be cut for those on low income? What level of support do you realistically need with you and your husbands health? You can apply for an adult social care assesment through your council website, they would be able to link in with services that could assist you and maybe even qualify for someone to assist with admin duties and helping you sort these issues as your head isn't in the right space.

Do you have any support network to lean on? Any friends?

I although different circumstances was in a very dark place many years ago. I had lost everything and was quite unwell. I had an adult social worker temporarily who took over all the practical aspects of day to day.
Once that pressure is alleviated slightly you can then focus on trying to find your joy. When life seems as bleak and dark as it does for you now, it doesn't come back instantly once the pressure lessens, your outlook does become pessimistic so it will take time to remind yourself.
But to rejoin an old hobby you use to enjoy or find something new to partake in could distract your mind from your life just to have a moment of peace.
This might sound out there, but i actually found meditation groups brilliant, you could chat with other people and I found trying to practice soothing myself, and disconnecting my thoughts helped to put things into perspective and helped me find solutions where I usually can't due to the tumultuous thoughts.

I also found it soothing to know I wasn't the only person in this situation and feeling how I felt.
So if it provides comradery to power you up. My parents are in your situation and similar age. My dad has terminal cancer and they have lost all their retirement funds through a bad investment. Your not alone and you are very much needed and wanted to carry on living, you will never ever see the positive impact you have on others, even the lonely neighbour you always greet to those that love you❤️

I'm really glad to hear that you are trying @Lonelyinabusyworld . I know how impossible it seems. How utterly exhausting it is to face the prospect of another day, having to put on the mask to try and show that everything's OK to the world. Trying is brilliant. Keeping on trying takes strength of character and real spirit. "Just" trying is sometimes the best we can do. And that's alright. It's OK to not be OK. As long as we keep trying.

You're doing amazingly, even if you don't think you are just now. Keep going. You will feel the sunshine on your face again one day. I promise. x ❤️

So sorry for your traumatic state of mind at the moment. It's an extremely dark place.

Take this the way it's meant (from someone who's felt that way) you're not mentally well at the moment (even if you think you're thoughts are rational) the despair is clouding your judgement.

Start with medication, or if you're on it, get some emergency top up meds such as diazepam from your GP. It will help enough to just see things a little differently. The rest will follow.

Some people find therapy very helpful (I personally didn't) but getting on the correct medication absolutely changed my life.

Thinking of you and hoping you took on board some of the good advice on here @Lonelyinabusyworld and you’re feeling a bit better.

I hope you’re safe OP and that some of the advice on here has been useful