I think suicide is my best option

[Lonelyinabusyworld]

I have struggled with my mental health my whole life but have somehow managed to raise 4 healthy children with my second husband. He now has early onset Dementia and the 2 boys who still live at home are planning to move out. We can’t afford to live here without their contributions but I can’t keep them here. They deserve their own lives. My two daughters are busy and somewhat distant although thriving. I’m 64 now and although I am well regarded and have a doctorate my health has not enabled us to set ourselves up well for a retirement. I had a conversation with my youngest son last night where he stated that he has never been able to leave home as he thought I wouldn’t cope. It made me feel terrible. I know the state will care for my husband - we are in the U.K. and I know the children especially my daughters will care for him as they seem to prefer his situation to mine. I have a plan to end it all. But don’t want to leave guilt behind. There is enough insurance money to enable a funeral for me and some to keep him going for a bit. Writing this down has given me some peace and determination that my not being here anymore is the best option to set them all free.m

You are worth it my love. You really are.
You make the world a better place by being here.

You have taken the first step, you are here.

Now, take another step and speak with the samaritans

You really are so worth it. It isn't something you say lightly when you say you want to die and the Samaritans know that. Night or day there will be someone who really does want to listen to exactly how you feel. They aren't your family or friends so you don't have to hold back on the truth and sometimes just saying the truth out loud makes a big difference

Try and speak to your psychiatrist today too.

You are not selfish...you are sad and overwhelmed and you are looking for ways to make that go away. Death doesn't have to be the answer but until you start exploring other options by giving yourself time to think and talk you can't be certain what is right and what is wrong for you.

How you feel right now is so valid , don't let anyone else tell you it isn't. The way you move forward though is also still very much in your control and I hope with all my heart that you can find reasons to want to carry on living - not for anyone else - but for you 🤍

This will pass. You have to survive.

Reach out for help.

GP. Your children. Friends.

Say help me, I need you now, I'm in danger.

I've been where you are.

Your mind is tricking you with untrue thoughts.

They will not be sad and then fine.

You will devastate them.

You won't be better off dead.

You are longing for silence, a removal from pain and suffering.

Get help. It will pass. I promise.

Life might not be the same, with solutions and changes, but it will be life.

I have a friend whose husband committed suicide. Her and her children's lives will be tainted forever by it. They are still all really struggling years later. Please don't be sure you could fool the police into thinking your suicide was an accident, there may be a question mark over it forever which would be just as bad.

Your youngest son has stayed with you all this time because he was worried about whether you'd manage without him - doesn't that just tell you how much he loves you? He could have just left you to cope at any time. Imagine he's said that and then you commit suicide - he's going to forever think that it was his fault.

If you can't afford to live where you are then sell the place and downsize, you don't need to house 4 kids any more. Get a little bungalow somewhere nice (I love a bungalow!).

You are clearly a clever woman OP so you must be able to see that this is not the answer.

Please be honest with your psychiatrist and tell them what you are thinking about. There is medication that can help with the suicidal ideation.
I know you don’t feel like there is another option or that things will get better. I felt exactly the same a year ago but they have improved for me with the help of a psychiatrist and a good therapist.
I told myself that suicide was the logical solution for me and that it wouldn’t impact anyone else too much. I can see now that was just distorted thinking and you will too if you can just hang on and get some support.
Try to be kind to yourself and not make any big decisions now.

We are all here for you. Please keep talking to us.

I fucked up my family MONUMENTALLY and I thought it was my only way out, too.

I figured that my family and older dc would get over it. But not my younger one. DC2 is why I stayed.
And I’m so glad I did.
A lot of things happened which weren’t good but actually led to a really good thing happening.

I felt worthless, as well.

We all care about you here. Please get help. PM me if you want to.

Can you contact NHS Direct option 2 and speak to the mental health team as a matter of urgency.

If you need to talk you can call or webchat with CALM.

It's legitimate to see this as an option, of course, but you also need to carefully consider your other options. Talk to a solicitor and a financial adviser - you need information before you make any decision.

Op you seem to be approaching this logically, but I can assure you this isn’t the logical conclusion. Once you are gone, you won’t know what will happen. You won’t know what happens to your family, how everyone will cope etc.
So you may believe it’s the best outcome but you have no guarantee of that.
Far better to stick around, seek support and continue, one day at a time , for the sake of the family you have worked so hard to build

The only person you would be freeing is yourself.
Please talk to people, your Dr, the Samaritans, maybe the psychiatrist you saw today gave you some hope. Even here, people, strangers, care about you.
No matter how bad life seems at the moment, it will pass, there will be good things waiting for you somewhere down the line. Happy times to be shared with your children, and they with you.

Just take one day at a time, I honestly send you love.

@Lonelyinabusyworld I'm so sorry. I'm considering the same but for health reasons. I do hope you find support though. Your DH needs you!

I just want to pick up on something you said though re: Insurance. Are you referring to Life Insurance? If so, they absolutely will not pay out for suicide....

And please don't assume you can disguise it as being a natural death. For it to be declared natural or accidental then it needs to be proven to be natural or accidental. They won’t be able to do this in your case, it will be declared 'undetermined' at inquest and inquests take a few years in most cases.

I agree with this. It is fair to see it as an option, but in order not to leave your whole family utterly traumatised, then it should be via the "legal" route of assisted suicide (as in going abroad for it, I know it's not yet legal in the UK), and it should be discussed with the whole family, especially if the burden of your husbands care will fall to your children. They have a right to know your plan since it will have major repercussions on their lives

Even if your children "coped" initially with losing their mother in this way, you would be statistically increasing their own likelihood of taking their own life down the line.

It's absolutely hell to want life to stop, to feel unable to find a reason to carry on. I'm so so sorry you're feeling so bad. I hope you've found at least a glimmer of hope via the psychiatrist.

I just want to say thank you for all the people who took the time to respond to me. I saw my psychiatrist today and she has put me on antidepressants although they may take 3 weeks to ‘kick in’. I can’t say I feel more positive or that the idea or even plan has disappeared but I am touched by the words you have shared. Peace x

Gently, it really isn't the best option. You love and are loved, and very much wanted and needed in this world. Dealing with a loved one with dementia can be rubbish, but there is so much wonderful life out there for you to live yet. Please do speak to a medical or mental health professional about how you are feeling.

That’s great news, you’ve taken a very big first step.
Just keep on taking those steps, even if it’s only 5 minutes at a time.
I used to compare my feelings with those in Auschitwz and I told myself that the survivors got through the most horrific thing.
So I figured that I could get through my own problems.
All they had was faith, hope and love.
And well, that’s enough.

Have faith in your family, hope for better times and love the ones closest to you.
(I hope this doesn’t sound trite or cheesy. It was my way of dealing with things).

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I really do understand how you feel, I have been there. I sent a text message to a mental health crisis helpline, and I now look back on that as the glimmer of hope and proof that I never really did see it as the right way out of how I was feeling. Do you think you posting here could be similar? Maybe you will look back when this feels much smaller than it does now and feel glad you didn't go through with it.

I'm glad you saw someone today, and I do think medication is a good thing. For many people, even those who are incredulous, it is the start of things changing. Maybe not quickly or with ups and downs, but it might just be enough to help you see a way out of this.

I'm glad you posted

Please don't hate yourself.
Many of us have suicidal thoughts and it can seem the answer at times. But I have always found that things, however desperate, do eventually feel better. It sounds like you are in a lot of emotional pain and emotionally exhausted.
fantasising about suicide can be a strange comfort..the idea that you could escape this pain and overwhelm if you really needed to. But please don't act on it,.because life, and you, can feel better. ❤️

@Lonelyinabusyworld that's a good update. I was thinking of you. I've felt suicidal a couple of times and it scared me shitless to find myself in a cold, calm apparently rational and logical place where suicide made absolute albeit very sad sense. I I told my counsellor and loved ones at once - because I was scared of myself if that makes sense, knew I was in a v bad place. Kind of knew that I needed protecting from this temporary way of thinking. I wonder if perhaps opening up to your children might help ? It's amazing how utterly logical it seems to save everyone any distress and anyway what can they so ... but you do have people who love you and a loving heart to heart hug can be amazing in how it builds strength in one.

Also don't be afraid of ADs. It won't change how you feel overnight. But you will start to feel like your head is bobbing at the surface of things rather than sinking under at the weight of it all. And then you're in such a better position to make decisions. When we're drowning - pulled down over and over, spitting and coughing, there's a logic in feeling ah wtf just drown already ... ADs are like floatation devices, stopping that appalling sense of drowning and giving you air and the ability to see a way out of the water.

The side effects are only at the start and then fade away. And they've saved my life for sure. Please don't take any action until you've given them at least two months. I feel for you n

im so sorry you feel like this, and you will get through this. Please reach out for support for you and there will be support out there to support your husband too with his needs. All the love and strength to you xxx

Don't OP. You as a person, mum, are more valuable to them than they can convey at the moment your future grandkids , kids now ,everyone will be impacted by this negatively not positively, even if it seems that way now. Seek help, get a break from everyone if needed by going staying with someone else but do not go through with this plan. You and they have too much to lose from it and nothing to gain. All the best OP

OP, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I can't begin to imagine how it must feel. Please try the medication and stay on it for the next few weeks.

You are not in a bottomless pit where nothing will get better, things will change and improve, I can guarantee your family will be worse off without you around.

Hope you are feeling better soon.

@Lonelyinabusyworld I'm sure everyone on this thread is going to be thinking of you for quite some time and wishes they could who in a practical and meaningful way. I've been in a place where the pain is so much I want out. Times when I didn't want to die but did want the pain to stop. Times when I couldn't see any other option. Times I have tried then been furious when it's not worked. Today, I am glad I failed and while I still have times where I think the world doesn't wart me, I have to remember I have children and pets that need me.

Whatever you need there will be a clever mumsnetter who knows how to help you get it. Let them help you. 💐

Please take care of yourself @Lonelyinabusyworld and reach out to someone in rl.
I'm so glad you have seen a psychiatrist who has given you anti depressants.
It would be devastate your family if you harmed yourself.
Your youngest would be heartbroken a he cares so much for you. 💕
I would worry too like another poster that the insurance company wouldn't pay out and you'd leave your loved ones in an even more stressful situation.
X