Yes, it is me back again

[Flamestar]

I'm getting to the stage where I wish I was low constantly so I would see the point in ADs. I spent most of my time pootling along happily enough, then I hit a slump, and for a few days/week/fortnight I hate everything.

Right now being one of those times. I thought it would be a few days job, but I think it has mixed with pmt and has just taken on a life of its own.

I hate myself. I hate my parenting. I hate my friends. I just want to curl up with a vat of wine and possibly some nice floatifying pills and float until it all goes away and I feel sane again in a week or so.

I don't want to be on ADs. I don't want to be level all the time for the sake of a few low days every now and then. But I don't want to feel like this either, like there is no point to anything and the world would be better off without me.

Why do I have this f*cking thing? Why can't I be one of the people who are pretty much content all the time? I know they exist. I know that not everyone feels this much venom and worthlessness.

I can't even be arsed to name change today.

Thank you - try putting some water in the wine glass, it tastes better than in a normal glass and will help space out the wine xxx

I posted that 20 mins ago. Bath was brief (I get stroppy in there after too long) but loooooooovely.

I am feeling calmer, and am heading for wine (in an enjoying way rather than my drowny method proposed earlier)

Have just read this bit:

" By Flamestar on Wed 16-Apr-08 19:23:03
Taking something for one week of the month sounds better.

By level I mean that (iirc) I was just one flat level on ADs, yes there wasn't this low, but there wasn't the happy highs either. When I am out of the slumps I can really enjoy life and I don't want to lose that.

Myself - That I can't cope with life without collapsing every so often. How I look, that I can't keep on top of one bloody house.

Parenting - I yell, I have no control over DS and I am mean to DD when she doesn't deserve it.

Friends - Just always feel bottom of the pile, but I never know how much of that is paranoia or if it is true.

Not really sure what I like right now I seem to have produced pretty children, but I'm not sure i can be proud of a good mix of dna hmm, or if I would know if they were ugly wink I suppose I have an ability to laugh still even with tears streaming down my face blush

When I asked about counselling ages ago they pretty much just brushed me off "

and could have written a lot of that myself.

Now you have one more child than me and a MUCH busier shop so don't beat yourself up about not cleaning the house etc. My house looks like a bomb has hit it...I move the junk around to make space for whatever I'm trying to do and my living room is like an obstacle course .

I'm on Citalopram and I still have the happy times. Don't know what ADs you were on but it might be worthwhile discussing your options with a doc.

If you want counselling push for it. I got mine through my HV rather than my GP. It took a while for the appointment to come through as I needed one with childcare but it's better than nothing.

You know my email if you want to contact me off board too.

Flamestar - yes, I feel completely back to normal, which = happy, (mentally) lively, joining in with everything etc.

I have to say that looking back, I was a bit fuzzy for the first couple of weeks on the tablets - but I was mentally and emotionally all over the place anyway, so it didn't seem that bad. I had about 4 nights of insomnia, which was weird, but that was about it.

I love feeling like I'm me again - I'm usually the one that's upbeat, sorts the world out etc. I just lost the plot on it all a few months ago and the ADs have helped me get back on track.

That is promising to hear DottyDot

I am feeling calmer this morning, still not quite "right" but calmer.

Hi fs - glad you are feeling better today. When I read what you wrote about how you feel/what you do that you hate - it sounded very normal for a lot of Mums; but it must be harder if you are feeling it all at the same time
Do push for the counselling, sometimes you can feel better just after offloading everything and someone actually listening. My sister actually paid for her counselling as she didn't want to via her doctor, although it was a voluntary organisation and it was not a flat fee, just a donation of what you felt you could afford.
TR - sorry you are feeling down too - how are you today?

Flame if you are feeling low you can always meet up with me for a coffee and a chat Give me a call. We could meet up monday if you like.

I was just coming on to ask TR the same - how you doing?

I have been out for coffee with a friend this morning and am feeling soooooooooo much brighter. Things seem to melt for me when I hit about 6pm - I am tired (probably low blood sugar), the kids are rargh, and I just want to run away until they are in bed.

It has also occurred to me today that I am a bloody idiot. My whole "it coincides with hormones" thing... well, yes, it does, but it also coincides with my period which is when I get anaemic. When I am anaemic I can't cope with the world and sob lots. Iron tends to block me up (even spatone) so I avoid it if possible.

Sooooooo... plan is, the week before I am due next time I am going to increase my iron intake either through diet or just give in and take the spatone (and senna), and see how I get on. If I am normal again, then I will have sussed it without having to do ADs If it doesn't work, then I promise faithfully to go and get some.

Dusty - Coffee on Monday sounds good I should be sane and chirpy again by then too, so it can be a pleasant experience for you

Glad you are feeling so much better fs - plenty of spiniach then next month

Obviously I meant spinach

I have a bloody fridge full of spinach now from a failed detox plan last week

Well, I've drunk too much again, I'm a bit of an emotional wreck, again, god it's pathtetic. I don't think I'm coping very well but I think a lot of it is related to PMT.
Also,my dd was diagnosed with Aspergers about a year ago and I saw a family therapist last week and I feel she's opened a whole can of worms that has made me feel really unstable. I feel very tearful and just like I'm permanently about to "snap".
I have no right to come on here and whine about my problems when you were asking support not a bloody "partner in crime".
I hate my sorry self right now.

You are more a partner in crime than you realise - we have thought for a long time now that DD has AS tendencies if not full AS and have been seeing various paeds etc. How old is your DD?

Do you want to talk? Feel free to email flamesparrow at gmail dot com

That's an interesting coincidence! My dd is 8 yo and my torment at the moment is that the family therapist wants me to tell dd her diagnosis, which I'm finding really hard to deal with. I'm drinking too much and cringing at my posts the next day. I'm hearing too many "I's" in my posts and being a bit self indulgent I think! I would like to talk some time, thanks so much for the offer, I'll be in touch.

I know it is your life and your decision, but I think telling your DD is probably a good idea. My sister has definite AS tendencies and she spent her childhood/teens (and to some extent now) being thought of as having "an attitude problem" - to realise that she DOES just think differently to other people and there isn't anything wrong with her must make a big difference.

Flamesparrow I think you're right, I'm going to have a few sessions with a family therapist from CAMHS about the best way to tell her.

Just wanted to say that I hope you are feeling a bit happier today. Also wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

I wouldn't describe myself as 'depressed' but I certainly can have very scary and miserable 'low' patches where I am certainly depressed temporarily. Sometimes just for a day or maybe just an evening. Often for a few days. It started (I remember it clearly!) on March 15th 1999. I felt hollow and wierd. i couldn't be arsed with anything and felt very tearful and useless, like I was somehow worthless and incomplete. I was only 15 at the time but I struggled with it for a couple of weeks. I put it down to hormones and moved on, til it happened again about 6 months after that. My mum died when I was little so I have often thought maybe it has something to do with that but I'm not sure, it's not like anything triggers it or thinking about her makes it any worse. It's a strange, isolating feeling that is impossible to describe.

Now it happens every few months but thankfully never for more than a couple of days. It has been made much worse lately by having an incredibly whingey and screamy 8 month old! I posted on here about 3 weeks ago when I was having a bad day. It was awful, I wanted to crawl away and not deal with anyone or anything. It passed although I still have 'rocky' days.

I agree with Hassled though, I'm not sure I can think of anyone who is 'content' all the time. I think it's normal to have highs and lows, it's what makes us human. Having feelings and emotions which we can't always understand or control. That's NOT to say that it isn't totally shit to feel low though.

Just wanted to let you know that you shouldn't let people 'brush you off' regarding the counselling. If you think it would help or are curious to see if it would change anything I would certainly push for it. Don't let people fob you off when you feel crap. Hope you are soon feeling a little stronger and happier!

I am feeling so much better today (coincidentally and far tmi, period finished yesterday).

I have makeup on for the first time in weeks, had my hair done yesterday, and am feeling generally bouncy

Now I just need to work on this random weight I have gained (Have been for 100000 tests because I have been feeling odd and gaining weight rapidly, but everything has come back normal, so I am deciding it is all in my mind ).

I do agree that people aren't content all the time, it just seems it when you're feeling low and out of control.

Good luck with CAMHS TR