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Original poster

Yes, it is me back again

44 replies

Flamestar · 16/04/2008 18:04

I'm getting to the stage where I wish I was low constantly so I would see the point in ADs. I spent most of my time pootling along happily enough, then I hit a slump, and for a few days/week/fortnight I hate everything.

Right now being one of those times. I thought it would be a few days job, but I think it has mixed with pmt and has just taken on a life of its own.

I hate myself. I hate my parenting. I hate my friends. I just want to curl up with a vat of wine and possibly some nice floatifying pills and float until it all goes away and I feel sane again in a week or so.

I don't want to be on ADs. I don't want to be level all the time for the sake of a few low days every now and then. But I don't want to feel like this either, like there is no point to anything and the world would be better off without me.

Why do I have this f*cking thing? Why can't I be one of the people who are pretty much content all the time? I know they exist. I know that not everyone feels this much venom and worthlessness.

I can't even be arsed to name change today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamestar · 16/04/2008 19:09

I dunno what I want you to say/do but something would have been nice

OP posts:
controlfreakyagain · 16/04/2008 19:11

not sure what i can say / do.... but it does sound grim for you atm and i'm sorry

thornrose · 16/04/2008 19:13

Do you mind if I join your rant rather than giving advice? I am currently floating in a haze of said vat of wine and am alternating between crying and giving myself pep talks about how I have nothing to bloody moan about. My child is with my sister and instead of enjoying the break I've got pissed and HATE myself and my life, blah blah.

lulumama · 16/04/2008 19:15

why not take ADs?? surely it is better than feeling like this every few weeks!!

what is wrong with being level. or even happy ??

it is normal to be sad and low and frustrated sometimes, but not to the point of depression and hating everything

if you had a long term physical problem you would take tablets if you had to, if they made you feel better...

and i still need to order my fairy hammocks, I am crapola!

Jackstini · 16/04/2008 19:15

Hi Flamestar, sorry you are feeling so low at the moment
From your post it seems like there are a lot of different issues you need to address. ADs are fine for some people but if you feel they would make things worse, they are probably not for you at this particular moment in time.
tbh it sounds like you really need to talk about things - have you thought about counselling? I say this because my sister went through 4-5 years of sounding very much like you and only 10 weekly sessions did her an absolute power of good.
Let's work through it - what do you you hate about yourself, your parenting, your friends? Also what do you like?
Don't know if you do hugs but if so, these are for you ((((()))))

TotalChaos · 16/04/2008 19:16

If you reckon it is largely hormonal, I've heard of people taking prozac for one week or so per month for PMT to take the edge off things

Original poster
Flamestar · 16/04/2008 19:16

Oh TR I haven't hit the wine yet. DD is being horrible because DS was downstairs and she is in bed - he is reacting after his jabs and just wants a cuddle . I have put him up there to see if a) he will settle and b) show her that he is miserable if not Possibly the wrong method.

OP posts:
lulumama · 16/04/2008 19:17
thornrose · 16/04/2008 19:18

Sorry desperately want to destroy the evidence of my completely unhelpful stream of concsciesness, please ignore, as you are

Hassled · 16/04/2008 19:18

I don't know anyone who is "pretty much content all the time". I'm certainly not - although even in my low, pissed-off-with-everything patches I can rationalise that really life is pretty good atm. But I think very few people always feel content and you might be in danger of giving yourself unrealistic expectations of what is "normal".

Can you predict when the low patches will occur? Is it all PMT-related or random? Maybe if you can predict triggers, you coudl take some avoidance measures - or am I over-simplifying things? Have you thought about or tried CBT?

Original poster
Flamestar · 16/04/2008 19:23

Taking something for one week of the month sounds better.

By level I mean that (iirc) I was just one flat level on ADs, yes there wasn't this low, but there wasn't the happy highs either. When I am out of the slumps I can really enjoy life and I don't want to lose that.

Myself - That I can't cope with life without collapsing every so often. How I look, that I can't keep on top of one bloody house.

Parenting - I yell, I have no control over DS and I am mean to DD when she doesn't deserve it.

Friends - Just always feel bottom of the pile, but I never know how much of that is paranoia or if it is true.

Not really sure what I like right now I seem to have produced pretty children, but I'm not sure i can be proud of a good mix of dna , or if I would know if they were ugly I suppose I have an ability to laugh still even with tears streaming down my face

When I asked about counselling ages ago they pretty much just brushed me off

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamestar · 16/04/2008 19:25

No thorn - it is good (well not good, but ykwim) to hear someone else is the same.

I think it is mainly hormone related. Depression started when my periods did and got worse when I went on the pill, I get suicidal during pregnancy and have levelled out since getting a non-hormone coil.

OP posts:
thornrose · 16/04/2008 19:30

I suffer from awful PMT and I remember my mum being the same, I remember her talking through gritted teeth, trying not to lose it, I do that now and my dd hates it. I shout far too much and when I'm all tense and wound up my dd's behaviour deteriorates and we get in this horrible cycle. I am a step away from going to docs and telling them I'm frightened I might just run away (luckily I've got no money (shaky smile))

Dottydot · 16/04/2008 19:33

Flamestar - I'm on fluoxetine for mild depression that goes haywire when combined with PMT and it's one of the best things I've done. Over the past 3 months my moods have evened out and I have no idea now when my period's due!

Honestly - might be worth a try. I'm going to come off them in June/July, gradually, so see how things are, but will have no hesitation in going back on if I turn into anxious, stressed, paranoid sobbing wreck every month...

MinkyBorage · 16/04/2008 19:36

Look, I might be remembering wrongly if so, but didn't you submit a picture for the person who was wanting pics of glorious bumps ages ago? Well if so, I always think of you as the person with the fabulous boobs, no point to this, just thought it might cheer you some!!!

MinkyBorage · 16/04/2008 19:44

Oh no, it wasn't you was it?! Sorry!!

Original poster
Flamestar · 16/04/2008 19:45

Boobs are definitely my asset!

crying children, not ignoring very good replies, will be back

OP posts:
MinkyBorage · 16/04/2008 19:47

Phew!!

MinkyBorage · 16/04/2008 19:47

Phew!!

Original poster
Flamestar · 16/04/2008 19:48

(Possibly not from the bumps photos thinking about it, but I remember similar comments from my wedding pics )

Do you still feel very happy though dotty? I don't want to lose the very happy dancing round my lounge with my babies laughing.

Thornrose, you sound sooooooo much like me

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamestar · 16/04/2008 19:49

DD is back to sobbing she wants DS. DS is downstairs after a bath cos he shoved his hands in poo

He is doing that hideous high pitched squeal cry that he always does after jabs. This is one of the reasons I put the MMR off so long, and now I feel horrible for having done it to him

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamestar · 16/04/2008 19:49

(He is like it with all immunisations, not doing a grrr mmr thing)

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamestar · 16/04/2008 20:28

Both children now asleep, ok DS is on the sofa and looking very unwell, but still, sleeping.

I am going to have a bubble bath and see if my book can lift me out of this.

OP posts:
thornrose · 16/04/2008 20:34

I hope you get some peace, I've eased off the wine and had a coffee but have another bottle of wine in fridge with my name on it! Seriously don't feel bad about the whole jabs thing, we have enough to feel guilty about, that was a good thing. It feels weird saying this to a stranger but... enjoy your bath, you deserve it.

MinkyBorage · 16/04/2008 20:37

Oh you poor thing. Well done on biting the bullet and getting the jabs done, can't be easy if you know he's going to have a bad reaction. Have a lovely bath!