Is this a blip or am I losing controls again? Anorexia/Depression

[OracleInaCoracle]

Since I was 6 I have been anorexic. I have managed to maintain a healthy weight for quite a while now and have forced myself to put weight on to improve our chances of having another baby, but its not working.

I feel dreadful. I feel fat and dirty and i loathe my "new" body. the only thing that will make me feel better again is losing weight, but i know from experience that i cant just lose a couple of pounds. I feel low all the time, im exhausted, having migraines and have no interest in anything at all, in fact feel like i did when i had PND after ds was born. but ds is nearly 3 and i know that my low mood is more to do with my inability to have another baby than anything else.

I long to get back some control, I know that I am healthier this size , and the BDS that i had showed that years of starving myself has put me at risk from osteoporosis. the only reason Im not listening to the other side is for my ds, i know i wont be able to stop when i start iykwim and im really scared. my EDT was fab and said that if i need an emergancy appt to call, but unfortunately i will always have to live with this. i dont want to. im fed up of having these 2 sides and the bad one being the strongest, it would be so easy to just give up. what should i do? i feel so desperate.

thank you.

was really bad yesterday, only had 1 piece of toast. as a result dont want/need to eat today. im really struggling.

Lissie, please have something to eat. Does DH know what's going on?

he knows something's up. but i dont think he knows how bad things are.

Please tell him Lissie. You can't go through this on your own.

Just seen this Lissie. Loads of hugs for you.
I'm not very good at verbalising things like this without sounding stupid, so I'll say that I think the others have given you really good advice.
I suffered from (probably mild - ie stopped in time) anorexia in my late teen/early 20s and have been basically recovered since I had dd. But i do now that after the m/cs last year i was so tempted back into that cycle of life as a way to cope. Luckily I didn't, partly cos I knew how badly it woud affect dd and her life and her relationship with food. So after all you have been through it is little wonder you feel oh so tempted. I also used to (do I still? don?t know) use self harm as a method of coping, and that did kick in again last year but I have managed not to go too far down THAT path, although I can see how easy it will be just to fall back inot desctructive patterns because they are so familiar and "seemed" to work well at the time.

Please try and talk through this - to us. your dh, friends ANYONE. You are much better off as is your gorgeous ds, staying on the straight and narrow and trying to learn to like (deal with?) your new body shape!!!

Hope I haven't messed up and said anything that might come across badly......

thank you. feel a little bit better now. had some lunch. couldnt eat it all as felt sick but had hair cut, and feel ok about going out tonight. ALBS, you poor thing, having a mc does affect the way you look at life doesnt it?

red, dh read this thread. said he had no idea i felt this low. poor man

Glad that dh reead it, and that you feel a bit better.
Make sure you eat if you're going out tonight - empty stomach and drink could make a tispy lissie

Poor you. Is your food off? Are you eating 3 regular balanced meals a day of healthy food with carb and protein at each meal? That will help your mood. Exercise by way of some walking is good but not loads or it becomes obsessive.

You seem to know how much worse you would really feel and be for your son if you give in to this again.

Give up drink too if you drink as I don't think that helps mood and depression at all.

Xenia I totally agree with you re. drinking. I feel a million times worse if I've had a few of glasses of wine - and I cannot touch gin as it is an instant depressant for me (currently 22wks pg so no alcohol at all except the odd beer - and I feel so much better for it).

How you doing this evening lissie? Am having something of a 'fat day' myself but refuse to let myself dwell on it (sometimes easier said than done though isn't it?!). Tomorrow will be fine - i shall stop having 2 portions of cake per day (I kid you not!)

thank you.

xenia, my eating has reduced drastically over the last week. didnt eat before i went out last night, i know i should have but i wasnt hungry and i felt crappy enough. spent most of the night paranoid, but still had a good time. today i will do better. cant face breakfast (oddly was drinking gin-doesnt affect me like wine does)but will try to have lunch and dinner.

(((hugs)))

thank you. ds has diarrohea(sp) so thats not helping.

That's enough to put even me off my food!

lissie, do you have "safe" foods, any you feel more comforatble with?
If so can you try those while feeling like this even if you're avoiding other types of food.
Baby steps are a way out of feeling like this, a tiny bit at a time rather than overwhelming yourself.

i can eat dry toast, raw veg and apples.

Hi Lissie

I dont have anorexia, but I do have other eating disorders, multiple/cross addictions and long term mental health issues. So I can relate to so much of what you say here.

The only thing that is helps me is regular weekly therapy (psychotherapy - of varying 'schools'). But even that isnt always enough, ie sometimes the weeks are so long and I fall down in between.

I did see an ED specialist for a while, just as I have seen other specialists for my other 'problems' but for me, tackling me as a whole person, and not just one part of me, ie the ED, works best. I found that while I was being treated for one thing alone I just picked up with the other things IYKWIM (a major symptom of cross addictions).

Sorry to go on so much about me, but I am trying to show how I got/get help, and I hope that mabe that will help you.

My journey onto this path was not one to be followed - but essentially it was via a Psychiatrist.

If you ever want to talk more , do CAT me.

{{{{{{Lissie}}}}}}

PCx

PC, have been seeing therapists since I was 9, and have only just found one that works for/with me. he is an EDT and I call the centre at any time. I felt so fat last night, ikwym about the weeks being long

I can empathise about those 'fat' feelings. But in a different way. If you ever want to chat when those feelings strike, then make contact and I will try to support you. I know how hard it is though to speak out when you feel so wretched. And sometimes telling someone else is the hardest thing in the world. But if I can help even a little, I will try. {{{{HUGS}}}}

thank you x

It might better to give up alcohol because of its connection with depression and all these issues and take the calories from that (if you have to think about calories at all) and eat more meat instead.

i know youre right. the strange thing is, i have never counted calories. im a lazy anorexic, i find it easier to just not eat iykwim. think i will call my EDT tomorrow and ask for an appt.

Good plan Lissie! I'm glad that DH now knows how you are really feeling.

thanks, he was a bit shocked that i was so low, but knew that things were bad.

How's this afternoon been?

Did you manage to have lunch?

{{{Lissie}}}

i did thank you.

feel not too bad at the moment.