mother serious suicide attenmpt

[nmechng]

Pouring out here, excuse typos. Have discussed a little on another board, under another name. Haven't checked guidelines, hope not in breach in any way. Apologies if so.

Sorry if I'm saying anything wrong. I don't mean to. Looking on what I've written, I worry I am breaking guidelines. I'm sorry. I want to get it out and I don;t dare say any of it to another person in real life

In short: mother (60s) long-term alcoholic, bipolar, other issues. Previous not-so-serious attempts. Tried to drown herself in the sea this week. Serious attempt. Serious emergency services response, physically ok now.

Typos begin now:

I'm just shocked and horrfied. I have utterly terrible visions of the incident. I know the location quite well. I can see it all so clearly. All the frustrations and anger of the last few years have faded away and all I can see right now is a very small, sad, frightened person.

I was coping ok. Until my dad confessed he was haunted by visions of her in the sea, cold and small and alone. I know, I see it, I cannot even express. I try (below).

It's ripping my heart apart,

I do have people I can talk to in real life but I can't really speak to them. I soften it. I can't tell them about the pure desperation, patheticness and misery of what I see in my mind's eye.

She stumbled down a cliff path, fell, cut and bruised her face and walked into a freezing sea fully clothed. Already small and fragile from decades of alcohol abuse.

Don't know how drunk, how long, how deep. But rescued, amazingly.

I'm fucking shocked and horrified. Two days afterwards i was hit by the force of it. Cried all day long. The next day, barely thought about it. Today, busy all day, didn't think about it, suddennly flattened by it.

Those fucking images. I used to hate her for her drinking. How can I now, faced with absolute sheer desperation? The fucking awfulness of it. The only person who can see the sheer fucking misery of it is my dad and he is sufferin too.

I have asked to speak to the emergency services involved, to at least put some reality into what I'm imagining.

What can you do? As I said, I have family members who say, let me know, you can rant at me etc. But i can't. It's too awful, too shocking. My partner announced he couldn't eat his dinner and went to bed.

I don't know if there's something I should do. Ride it out? I don't want to call some anon helpline. I'm certainly not going to do anythign to myself, I feel fine in that sense. I'm just deeply, deeply shocked. I feel the only person in the world who understands is my dad, yet I must be very careful not to say anything that puts fresh images in his head or any more burden on him.

@SummerFeverVenice your post seems a little combative. I'm not getting into all that with you.

@nmechng how are you doing today? I really, really feel for you. Al Anon would say, as I'm sure you know, to try to detach with love but I do realise how tough this is.

We call alcoholism the disease of forgetting, as well as everything else. It's astonishing how quickly people go back to what's normal for them.

Sending you hugs.

I would find a safe professional to talk to. There's a court case currently ongoing and it's is very close to home. The contents are horrific and I feel I can't burden others with the images. I have been seeing my HV for counselling to help with how I manage my life, my bipolar and my daughters health conditions. We have incorporated the court case too and the weight lifts every week and it helps me process the images in my head with a safe person. Find a safe person. Wishing the best to you and your family x

Oh lovely, this really resonated with me.

I have handled a hand full of suicide attempts from my own mum, putting everything aside to deal with her needs.

The complex mix of emotions is unreal.

Echoing as others have said, please access therapy in whichever way you can and what feels right to you.

Its a safe to explore all those unspoken (but completely natural and normal feelings) and helped me deal with the guilt and exhaustion I felt about being her support all these years.

I think low contact is a good idea, you need to look after your own mental wellbeing too, but appreciate this brings on another rush of feelings.

Therapy really helped me to live my own life and put boundaries in place to ensure my mental wellbeing and safety.

Whilst we can hope our mother's get the support and peace they need, we need to come to terms that this is not a situation we can "fix" and make peace with the idea that this may never happen.

On my mum's last attempt, I distanced myself for my own self preservation, I had a small baby to care for at that time. I managed to hold boundaries and actually, with the dependency gone, my mum manged to access other support, which was more effective for her. Not to say it was easy, but it was vital for my wellbeing.

I also went straight back to therapy after this to reinforce the boundaries I have put in place.

I remember saying to my therapist, I always jump in to the depths with her, but this time I can't! I need to keep myself afloat.

Please do take very good care of yourself 💐

Another vote for Al Anon - this is a 'sister' organisation that's specifically set up to support the family and friends of alcoholics and the room will be full of friend and family of alcoholics.

They will ALL have been where you are now to some extent or the other with their loved ones; some not so bad, some will have experienced worse than you.

If you call them they will arrange for someone local to meet you and take you to a meeting or meet you outside so you don't have to go in alone.

al-anonuk.org.uk