mother serious suicide attenmpt

[nmechng]

Pouring out here, excuse typos. Have discussed a little on another board, under another name. Haven't checked guidelines, hope not in breach in any way. Apologies if so.

Sorry if I'm saying anything wrong. I don't mean to. Looking on what I've written, I worry I am breaking guidelines. I'm sorry. I want to get it out and I don;t dare say any of it to another person in real life

In short: mother (60s) long-term alcoholic, bipolar, other issues. Previous not-so-serious attempts. Tried to drown herself in the sea this week. Serious attempt. Serious emergency services response, physically ok now.

Typos begin now:

I'm just shocked and horrfied. I have utterly terrible visions of the incident. I know the location quite well. I can see it all so clearly. All the frustrations and anger of the last few years have faded away and all I can see right now is a very small, sad, frightened person.

I was coping ok. Until my dad confessed he was haunted by visions of her in the sea, cold and small and alone. I know, I see it, I cannot even express. I try (below).

It's ripping my heart apart,

I do have people I can talk to in real life but I can't really speak to them. I soften it. I can't tell them about the pure desperation, patheticness and misery of what I see in my mind's eye.

She stumbled down a cliff path, fell, cut and bruised her face and walked into a freezing sea fully clothed. Already small and fragile from decades of alcohol abuse.

Don't know how drunk, how long, how deep. But rescued, amazingly.

I'm fucking shocked and horrified. Two days afterwards i was hit by the force of it. Cried all day long. The next day, barely thought about it. Today, busy all day, didn't think about it, suddennly flattened by it.

Those fucking images. I used to hate her for her drinking. How can I now, faced with absolute sheer desperation? The fucking awfulness of it. The only person who can see the sheer fucking misery of it is my dad and he is sufferin too.

I have asked to speak to the emergency services involved, to at least put some reality into what I'm imagining.

What can you do? As I said, I have family members who say, let me know, you can rant at me etc. But i can't. It's too awful, too shocking. My partner announced he couldn't eat his dinner and went to bed.

I don't know if there's something I should do. Ride it out? I don't want to call some anon helpline. I'm certainly not going to do anythign to myself, I feel fine in that sense. I'm just deeply, deeply shocked. I feel the only person in the world who understands is my dad, yet I must be very careful not to say anything that puts fresh images in his head or any more burden on him.

So sorry you have had this awful shock. If your dad is the only one who truly understands, maybe speak to him. He might be grateful to speak to you too.
This is trauma, this serious, this is till very raw.
Could you see your gp for help?
Please get some help to get through this.

Thank you. Yes, I have spoken to him, a couple of times a day. I would say we are people who can express ourselves, we are very close.

I'm honestly not sure what help the gp offers, assume it would take a while to get an appointment.

I wanted to spill it all out here, the stuff i can't tell aunts etc. I told them the facts and that I was shocked and upset. Not the sharper details. I feel it's too much for people.

Edit: Am I selfish? I sort of want people who know the situation to know the full horror of it, I want them to see every gut-wrenching scene like I do – but also I don't want them to imagine it at all. Is that the shock talking? Am I confused?

Can you access counselling for yourself? Venting to an impartial person can be helpful. We can pour out all the emotions we're feeling knowing that the person listening won't be hurt or in pain from what we say. Plus they have the knowledge and tools you need to come to grips with what happened.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I've never wanted to before but maybe I would now.

I get the idea of wanting to get it all out without hurting anyone – yet I sort of resent the idea that that person can just brush it off when they clock off. That might be a sort of bitterness on my part after decades dealing with it.

I sort of want that person to know, to feel it too – yet also not, because I don't want them to feel that pain.

It's weird. I don't understand it. I haven't been here before tbh.

You are in shock it’s very raw. And you’re kind of dealing with 2 things - all the history of it and the impact it’s had on you - and now this terrible and distressing attempt that your mum made on her life. Your feelings and emotions are likely to be very mixed up and changeable and that is ‘normal’ in these circumstances,

any counselling/ therapy whilst you are still in such shock will have limited benefit. GP or 111 might consider a very small dose of medication like a couple of doses of sleeping tablet. In a few days the shock will lessen a tiny bit and you may be able to think a little more clearly, but clearly the situation will still be distressing.

your anxiety and fright levels are high. You need to go into what I would describe as self care mode. You will likely be having a physical as well as mental reaction to it all. Keep warm, drink fluids, eat a little. It won’t cure the situation of course but if the basics are neglected things seem even worse.

I know you said you don’t want to call some anon helpline but something like this might actually help - venting to someone who will hopefully listen to you in a safe space.

Oh and you’re not selfish.
Sounds like you have had a very difficult time over the years, perhaps since you were young. Your mum’s health and behaviour is not your fault - she can’t help being unwell but of course her alcohol dependence hasn’t helped things and she’s made choices that have severely impacted on you. I’m not judging her we don’t know the full circumstances but regardless of ‘fault’ you’ve been hurt and traumatised.

You can call the Samaritans 24/7 https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
I understand what you are saying and they have support within the service when it's been a trauma call.

Thank you everyone who has responded. Feels like a hug, honestly.

It's nearly midnight, I felt alone and as I said, my partner couldn't take it. I don't blame him, he is usually amazing. I think he got the images in his head too. Probably qiuite shocking for him, when he really thought about it. He is very close to his own mother. And he has not been able to help practically this week, as I have.

@Nomorecoconutboosts your advice was especially helpful. I carried on working this week and have not self-helped in the slightest – I think I must, tomorrrow.

I am so used to tidying away my needs/feelings/emotions/hurt. Get on with it, don't upset anyone else etc.

But this is just too much now. I think I deserve attention, support, listening.

I have had to do a lot of practical things today but not tomorrow, save one short social thing. I could lie on the sofa, rest, talk on the phone.

I agree that you're in shock and also dealing with the surfacing of very complex emotions after years of trauma. Everything you think and feel is perfectly valid and natural. Your brain is doing its best to process and make sense of what has happened. Just at the moment, it's probably not doing its job very effectively so it's time to do whatever you feel you need to do while you regain your balance. Sleep if you can, talk to friends if you can, eat as well as you can and keep your blood sugar levels constant. If routine helps, stick to that. If you find yourself an anxious pile on the sofa, see if your GP will prescribe some sedatives to take the edge off and perhaps you'll feel able to go for a walk somewhere different. A spa will give your senses lots of other things to focus on and a sauna might help to reset too. If you have to talk more than you want your friends to listen call the Samaritans. Call them twice a day if you need to. They will listen, some better than others. If you need to write it down and put it away in an envelope, do that. Ultimately@ you're going to need therapy but just now you need to get over this awful shock. When you can, remind yourself of the present, that your mum is self and well cared for. You're not alone and neither is she. This may be the catalyst for her accessing much better care. You won't always feel this disoriented and awful. Let the days pass in whatever way you need to.

@nmechng
sending kind thoughts/prayers/good wishes/blessings/ good vibes to you -(delete as appropriate whichever fits your beliefs)

I suspect that for a long time and for complex reasons you have not been able to receive/access the support, care and love that you need.

I have a tiny bit of personal experience of trauma (different to yours but it has perhaps helped me to understand a small part of what you are going through)

Yes absolutely you could and should rest tomorrow. lie on the sofa, maybe get a blanket and hot water bottle - bit of light television in the background as a distraction. Try and sleep at least a little tonight, if you’ve not eaten maybe have a biscuit or bit of toast first.

That's a terrible thing for your Mum to do. You are probably still in shock about it. Try not to think about it. I'm supposing you must have images in your head of the scene. You probably need to talk it through with someone.

I have someone in my family with bipolar. My counsellor suggested l go to a support group with people who live with or are affected by loved ones with serious mental health issues. I fought it as l felt l didn't want to sit in a room and hear more stories. I felt angry even at the suggestion. But eventually l went. I was amazed how much it helped me as for once l felt these people knew.There was so much compassion in that room in spite of all the pain. I felt heard even when l said nothing. It may be too early for you but l would keep it in mind.
I am so sorry you have to go through all this and it's bound to bring back all the pain and shock of other times and incidents.

You need a therapist, as soon as possible. You have a lot to talk about. It will take years and you might need to change therapists from time to time.

Yes, you can hate your mum (or her behaviour) and still feel empathy for the poor, frightened woman trying to kill herself. And you need to acknowledge that, as my daughter so often says, 'You can't fix your parents'.

Way forward, as pps have said, cup of tea, piece of toast, blanket, something soothing.

Life can be absolute shit. Take comfort in the tiny, pleasant things.

If you feel you need to tell people and tell the story then writing it out may help you.

Don't write off the anonymous helpline option - that could be just what you need to begin with, somewhere that you can say what you need to say, without worrying about how the other person will be impacted, or fear of being judged, or whatever. If you have a local one, they will also be able to help you find ongoing support.

The other place that may be able to help if this is all due to her alcoholism, is Al-Anon

Hi OP, I'm a recovering alcoholic of many years. I had numerous relapses at the start and feared that I would never "get it". Well, to be honest we're all only 24 hours sober.

At my regular AA meeting yesterday, the chair and subsequent shares back were all about family members and friends (and fellows) who had either committed suicide or made serious attempts to do so. All had alcohol or drug problems.

It was a highly emotional meeting and as with many meetings, only people who have been in a similar situation can actually empathise. From the raw emotion in your OP and the change in the way you're seeing your mother (from anger to someone who is small and frightened herself, which is very charitable of you) I think you might benefit from Al Anon.

I have some personal experience from both sides and happy to PM you if it would help.

Hi @nmechng
Just checking in on you this morning.
Lovely to see that some other people - who also understand a little, have been here for you in the night.
Anyway, hope you have managed some rest or sleep.
I am happy to be pm’d and at least one of the other pps has also offered this.
But no pressure to pm or even to update the thread you should do what is right for you.

Crying again, but in a nice way. Such kindness here.

Some really good ideas too. I somehow can't get on board with the idea of calling someone. Not sure why. But I see that I can email the Samaritans, and even go to a branch 15 mins walk away to speak to someone face to face.

The images in my head are upsetting, but I wouldn't say I mind them. Think it's normal, natural, even necessary to see them. Today I feel I can handle them. They're not haunting or intrusive. Or even overly dramatic. Just factual.

I always eat and sleep well, even now. Grateful for a brain that works well. I also feel forgiveness in a way I haven't ever done before, and it's comforting. The anger has gone and I feel lighter.

@Orangemangogrape I appreciated your small point about remembering the present. Yes, I know she is warm, drinking tea, on the sofa with the dogs. That is now, and the rest was then, it happened but it has passed.

I'm not a natural worrier but I expect I might also have to deal with the fear of a worse next time. Not quite there yet but it will likely come. I said on my other thread that she has broken the threshold for a serious attempt. Which is probably a good reason for arming myself with some extra support.

I know what you mean about 'anon call lines' and the brushed off - clinically kind - response you might get from professionals.

The Samaritans are probably more what you need. They are volunteers -and there just because they want to support other humans who are suffering.

The ones I know are all kind- caring- interested in you ...but strong.

They are used to talking with those who have been affected (even bereaved) by suicide attempts. -So they are trained to cope enough to listen to your worst.

That doesn't mean they are cold-hearted and will brush off what you told them. They are warm-hearted and willing to be affected by what they hear.

You should find that they are with you completely while you talk - but you can know that they then have in-house support themselves afterwards.

They are willing to listen and 'walk with you' at a terrible time... because they know it does sometimes help and it is something they can do.

@LiesDoNotBecomeUs that's really, really useful. Thank you. I didn't know that. That's amazing, in fact. Yeah, think that's what I need.

I really hope you find all that you need!

Well, a week later and she's already back drinking again. Back to obsessing over her medication, her backache and what the GP surgery has or hasn't done. Back to being utterly self-centred.

Ok, then I guess I'm back to minimal contact. I have to live my life too.

I hoped something had changed for her. I thought something had changed for me, at least. Unfortunately I just feel angry again now. And I hate that feeling, it's exhausting.

God, I'm stressed. Having a horrible week, work-wise. Working with some of the most chaotic, bitchy, unprofessional people I have ever come across. Getting my house ready for the in-laws I've never met(!!) to stay for three weeks. Also need to hide the fact I've been smoking from them.

@nmechng
Sorry to hear this about your mum however as you so rightly say you have your own life to live also.

Sorry other things such as work are so stressful as well - you’ve got it all going on.

Try if you can to find some rest time each day, your dp can take the lead on hosting your ils. I think you said before they are good people. At stressful times I also where possible try to take as many short cuts as I can on chores, in my case lowering standards, eating more simple food that type of thing.

What a roller coaster for you. Can you put off the in laws staying? I don't think you're in any place to deal with this. Or can you put them up in a hotel.

I'm not a counselling person at all, have actively avoided it my entire life but when my Dad died I was given a few sessions with a counsellor in the hospice he was in. And it was incredibly liberating - I could say what was in my head without concern about worrying my partner/kids. And they just listened and told me it was normal, let it out. Please try to talk to someone to help you make sense of this. My grandfather and my 2 uncles were/are alcoholics. It takes the person and turns them into someone you recognise but don't know if that makes sense. It's a bloody horrifying addiction.

Why would you expect her to be changed in any positive way a week after her suicide attempt? What sort of crisis team support has she had? Has she even had a full psych assessment? Any input in regards to treating her alcohol dependency?

Even if she’s had the best care in the world, a suicide attempt isn’t a wake up call for the person doing it, but for everyone else around them that they cannot cope and need long term, intensive help. One week is a blink of an eye.