I think I'm seriously unwell. Please help me.

[WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn]

Please be kind. I've changed my name for this because could be outing.
I've struggled with anxiety mainly health anxiety since my late teens. I'm now early thirties. After my son was born two years ago th anxiety worsened and turned into more very intrusive disturbing thoughts. It took over every aspect of my life. I went through a particularly bad patch where my thoughts were pretty horrific. I would have thoughts of hurting my son accidently, for instance, what if I just threw him down the stairs, I had thoughts about harming my husband- what if I just picked up this knife and threw it at him.. my head was a mess, I can't really explain it but my head felt jumbled and I just felt like nothing was right, I didn't feel on this planet, I felt like I was living in another world and I felt this constant terror, just sheer doom and terror all the time. It was horrible. Anyway I managed to bring myself out of it with CBT and meditation but the thoughts never left. They just b came more wild. For example, if I see a strange light in the sky I will start to worry about aliens coming and th world ending.. I worry that someone is watching me, trying to poison me.. I struggle to go out or drive b cause I'm scared I will have an accident. I constantly check my son b cause I'm scared he is sick. I worry I have spirits in my house and they will hurt us( im not religious so don't know where this has come from) any pains or symptoms I get o go into complete panic b cause I am terrified I will die just like that. Every night I think what if I don't wake up? The thought of not existing seems to exacerbate my other intrusive thoughts. I know they are completely illogical and irrational but I cannot stop. Th anxiety is crippling. Today, that horrible mist has descended where I just feel absolute terror. I have this feeling of impending doom again and I can't shake it. I don't feel right in the head and I am terrified. I have recurring dreams of terror, plane crashes, disease, and then I've convinced myself that i am dreaming of my he future and these things will happen. I've been to my GP numerous times and have had medications, none of which work very well but I will admit I am not reliable at taking sions them because I'm so scared. I have numerous physical symptoms which only make my anxieties worse. I hav many compulsionb such as repetive checking, counting, hand washing, pulling my hair out, ive had numerous therapies, the therapy I had most recently was pointed at OCD and GAD however I've never been formally diagnosed. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm spiralling. I've been hiding how bad I feel in my brain because no one understands or takes me seriously. Please I need someone to help me and help me understand what is going on. I can't cope anymore. I can't feel like this anymore. I would just like to add the thoughts I have terrify me but I've never and would never hurt anyone, I love my husband and my DS to bits. They are what keep me going but I don't know how to tell people in a way they will understand what is going on. I'm scared of people knew how I really felt that I would be carted off and treated like a loony and have my son taken away. I've explained this the best I can but I just feel like what is going on iny head right now in unexplainable.

You're not alone, I suffer in a similar fashion.
The constant feeling of fight or flight is exhausting. I constantly dream of plane crashes and disasters too.

And I have impulsive thoughts, even darker than yours and it makes me sick.

I can't help you as I don't know how to stop it but you really are not alone.

I really don’t know OP, I’m sorry you feel this way it sounds like torture. I’d say a combination of anxiety, OCD, caused by intrusive thoughts.
I hope someone will be along soon to help.

Do you spend much time on the internet? Watch scary things?

Just to add. I just read that impending doom can be a sign of a heart attack. I have extreme phobia around my heart and I'm scared I will have a heart attack in the next couple days or even tonight and I will die.

I don't watch scary things but I do spend a lot of time googling. I know I shouldn't but I just can't help myself. I'm always looking for reassurance that I'm not dying or that in okay.

this sounds reallly hard. I would get a psychiatric assessment and push your GP to get this. Lots of people have terrifying intrusive thoughts, you are not alone. The right medication and therapy really can help. It doesn't have to always be this bad.

Does your NHS have a MH crisis line?
https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-urgent-mental-health-helpline

If you feel you or someone you live with is at risk of harm, please talk to them, don’t brush over your thoughts or worries, they won’t be alarmed but they can help you.

I do but I don't feel in harms way and I don't feel like I would hurt anyone.

My adult daughter feels the very same OP, it's incredibly hard. I hope you find a good treatment soon. Don't worry about being carted off, you must tell them the truth, so they can help xx

This sounds awful and exhausting OP, sorry you are observing this. What's your childhood history? Did you grow up safe and loved and when did this start? What have you found helps? What friends do you have and are they close by? Sounds like good quality therapy would help.

My first thought was are you on any anti-anxiety or antidepressant meds, and I can see you haven’t really given them a good go because you weren’t taking them reliably.

I really think that needs to be your first step.

I did have quite a neglectful childhood from my mother and I have suffered some.trauma which is why I had targeted therapy several times.

Yes I know I need to be more reliable with them but the fear just overtakes everything

I have asked my GP many times but they won't refer me anyway because I'm not classed as being at risk.

Oh OP, I can fully sympathise. I've been through something similar. It sounds a lot like OCD and anxiety - they can be the cause for all of the intrusive thoughts and other uncomfortable symptoms. Obviously I don't know your personal circumstances, but I am confident you don't have a heart condition or are seriously unwell. I think you are suffering with a mental health condition that needs addressing. If you are spiralling this evening and feeling really anxious, try some grounding techniques (the 5 senses one is good - name 5 things you can see, 4 you can hear, 3 you can feel, 2 you can smell and 1 you can taste). Also, search YouTube for a vagus nerve reset. It can help you to feel calmer in the short term by resetting your parasympathetic nervous system.

Sending you big, big hugs and solidarity. I know how hard and lonely it can be. I really hope you feel better soon.

You are working hard to make sense of your very difficult experiences and to protect yourself and those you love.
Do you know what you need to feel safe?

I hope you get some good advice from wise Mumsnetters. 🌺

@WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn it sounds an awful lot like OCD and anxiety. I am diagnosed with OCD and I can relate to your thought processes. The thoughts feel real, but you know they're not but the distress and fear you feel is unbearable. It's as if you need to check, check, check that these things aren't real even though on some level you know there not but the doubt is relentless.
I've had 3 full on breakdowns over the years due to these thoughts getting totally out of control, the most recent being last year. I'm recovering now with meds and therapy. I really recommend you looking up Bryony Gordon. She is a journalist for the Telegraph who has OCD. Her book 'Mad Girl' was so relatable. Also google Shannon Shy. He has recovered from really bad OCD and has a great FB page 'Shannon Shy - OCD can be defeated. He has also wrote 3 books. I've found both these people a huge help and comfort.
I understand how truly awful it is but you are definitely not alone. Sending hugs. Xx

I don't know. This is the thing. I really don't know how to help myself and I don't know what to do. I feel like no one understands me. Alot of my physical feelings and symptoms are massive triggers for me so I guess if I could untangle the feings of physical anxiety and stop associating them with my anxious thoughts of that makes sense

I'm sure I'm about to have a heart attack. And panicking even more.

Can I ask what your breakdown was like. I'm sure I'm getting to that point.

This is anxiety OP .. I had it and daughter had it. Its pretty common but people don't talk about it. The thinking you'll hurt someone you love is also pretty common...i also saw the most awful faces as i was dropping off to sleep.. and other things. I was put on meds for the anxiety...and had counselling xxx

Ctd: Btw my sister also suffered with it

Thank you. Som days I feel okay. The anxiety and terror never leaves but it does sometimes feel more manageable. Tonight it's unbearable and is the worst it's ever been for a long time

Call the mental health team and let them know you're feeling paranoid.

I felt like this just before I went into psychosis. Not saying that's what it is, but best to be on the safe side with paranoia. Plus you might actually get some treatment!

I'm too scared. I feel like they'll take me away and I heard mental health hospitals are not nice places to be. In also scared they will think I'm a risk to my son and take him away.

Its absolutely awful, horrendous..i feel you. Its the panic isn't it too..that youll do something to someone that you won't be aware if etc...tbh .. you won't hurt anyone OP. its very rare if youre aware of your mental health that you'll hurt anyone. I was that bad i couldn't be near anyone i loved, just incase. My counselor said it was because i loved them so much, ironically. If youre very poorly this easter whilst drs are shut please ring local hospital. They honestly wont judge if you say your anxiety through roof like you feel like youre going mad..they wont remove your child believe me...i know thats what youre worried about bit this is quite common with mums...protective instinct in over ride