I think I'm seriously unwell. Please help me.

[WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn]

Please be kind. I've changed my name for this because could be outing.
I've struggled with anxiety mainly health anxiety since my late teens. I'm now early thirties. After my son was born two years ago th anxiety worsened and turned into more very intrusive disturbing thoughts. It took over every aspect of my life. I went through a particularly bad patch where my thoughts were pretty horrific. I would have thoughts of hurting my son accidently, for instance, what if I just threw him down the stairs, I had thoughts about harming my husband- what if I just picked up this knife and threw it at him.. my head was a mess, I can't really explain it but my head felt jumbled and I just felt like nothing was right, I didn't feel on this planet, I felt like I was living in another world and I felt this constant terror, just sheer doom and terror all the time. It was horrible. Anyway I managed to bring myself out of it with CBT and meditation but the thoughts never left. They just b came more wild. For example, if I see a strange light in the sky I will start to worry about aliens coming and th world ending.. I worry that someone is watching me, trying to poison me.. I struggle to go out or drive b cause I'm scared I will have an accident. I constantly check my son b cause I'm scared he is sick. I worry I have spirits in my house and they will hurt us( im not religious so don't know where this has come from) any pains or symptoms I get o go into complete panic b cause I am terrified I will die just like that. Every night I think what if I don't wake up? The thought of not existing seems to exacerbate my other intrusive thoughts. I know they are completely illogical and irrational but I cannot stop. Th anxiety is crippling. Today, that horrible mist has descended where I just feel absolute terror. I have this feeling of impending doom again and I can't shake it. I don't feel right in the head and I am terrified. I have recurring dreams of terror, plane crashes, disease, and then I've convinced myself that i am dreaming of my he future and these things will happen. I've been to my GP numerous times and have had medications, none of which work very well but I will admit I am not reliable at taking sions them because I'm so scared. I have numerous physical symptoms which only make my anxieties worse. I hav many compulsionb such as repetive checking, counting, hand washing, pulling my hair out, ive had numerous therapies, the therapy I had most recently was pointed at OCD and GAD however I've never been formally diagnosed. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm spiralling. I've been hiding how bad I feel in my brain because no one understands or takes me seriously. Please I need someone to help me and help me understand what is going on. I can't cope anymore. I can't feel like this anymore. I would just like to add the thoughts I have terrify me but I've never and would never hurt anyone, I love my husband and my DS to bits. They are what keep me going but I don't know how to tell people in a way they will understand what is going on. I'm scared of people knew how I really felt that I would be carted off and treated like a loony and have my son taken away. I've explained this the best I can but I just feel like what is going on iny head right now in unexplainable.

I used to work at MIND...ive NEVER known anyone be sectioned or kids taken away if they suffer with anxiety...ocd thoughts. Please seek support xxx

I've Read the links and stuff. I just don't feel like it's urgent? Like I know I'm unwell and I feel unwell in my head but I don't think it's a case of life or death and I would feel bad taking the time a day from someone else who may be much sicker than me.

Its urgent.. intrusive thoughts sre urgent xxx

I was told that worrying about these things (like hurting someone) doesn’t show you’re terrible. It shows that actually you know how awful that is and that’s why it’s such a scary thought for you. If anything you’re less likely to want to hurt people than someone else because it affects you emotionally so much.
that made me feel a lot better.

secondly I was told that I was putting too much importance on my thoughts, and my therapist jokingly told me not to think so much of myself. Just because I think there could be a car crash doesn’t mean I have special powers to see the future or make it happen and my thoughts, Like everyone else’s, aren’t that important. Thinking about hurting someone is just that, a thought, which is meaningless. Nothing actually happened and nothing is going to happen. By going over and over and over it I’m making a passing thought a big deal and giving it significance, when it is no more important than any other thought that enters my head.
i was taught to just observe the thoughts and let them pass.

it’s exhausting and draining but I think you might need to tell someone so you can get some proper help for it. If you have the money go private. But it’s awful to live like this, and you don’t need to. You can come out the other side.

How are you doing today OP?

Tell you what might be helpful is a befriending service for woman struggling with mental health. 6 months weekly chat with a woman who is trained just to be there for you and listen and hear you.

Also have you heard of Mark Wolynn? He wrote a book called 'It didn't start with you' about how we carry with us traumas and patterns passed down to us etc. He's been on lots of podcasts too

That's awful OP. Your partner and family should be stepping up to support. No wonder you're struggling without this basic support!

Intrusive thoughts are an extreme form of anxiety. There’s a constant ‘what if…what if…what if…?’ on repeat and then the mind tries to envisage the very worst ‘what if..?’ that it can conceive of - so you get thoughts of almost casually injuring those closest to you by doing ridiculous things like throwing a knife suddenly, etc. It’s all anxiety driven, and the more outlandish things you think of, the more anxious you get. Once you find something that will break the cycle - and it might be a combination of medication/therapy/self-calming(meditation, yoga, exercise) - then I’m sure you will be able to emerge from this.

Treat yourself gently, op, and do reach out for help. Maybe try the GP again in the first instance, tell them how crippling your anxiety has become, and how it manifests itself. Intrusive thought are very common, and if you can lessen your anxiety by whatever means works for you, I think you will find that your disturbing thoughts lessen, too.

@WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn I agree with @maudelovesharold intrusive thoughts are common but people don't talk about them. Are your parents older? Are they of the generation of stiff upper lip?
Mental illness is an illness like any other. If you had heart disease or kidney disease you wouldn't feel bad about treatment. Your brain is an organ just like any other. Xx

This has given me chills OP because I have been exactly where you are and I remember the utter terror and feeling that someone needed to intervene before something terrible happened or I did something terrible. It was an absolute living nightmare and almost broke me. Lost years out of my life. I cannot emphasise enough that I know exactly how horrific living with this is but nothing is going to happen, your DC is safe and you can overcome this. Now I can’t imagine how I lived through it.

I have PMed you.

I think you need to show your partner this thread, and then hand him your medication and ask him to make sure you take it consistently for a month.

Do it for him, and your son. You’re worrying about vanishingly minute risks; there is a much bigger and real risk you will ruin your relationships with them both if you don’t get on top of this.

My parents are early fifties but they are not into mental health. My dad especially is a very black and white person. He doesn't understand mental health, he just thinks that it's sillyness if you see it what I mean. Much like my partner. He thinks it's sillyness and vivid imagination as opposed to an illness. Ive lost counts of how many times I tried to explain they its just like a broken bone you just can't see it.

I’ve not read through the whole thread so sorry if I’m repeating other suggestions!

I can relate so much to this - there’s only one thing that helped me and that was medication - I honestly can not stress how life changing getting on antidepressants was - please please give them a good go.

I'm sorry but if its a consolation, I think this is common and the fact you worry you're unwell is a good sign - you know this is imagined and not reality. I have also been told that these intrusive thoughts are normal and it's the reaction you have to them that's telling - I.e if you're horrified at the thought, rather than enticed by it or comforted by it.

I think you should be forceful in seeking help and religiously take your medication: it sounds to my like OCD, but I am not a doctor. Good luck xx

Wow. You're surrounded by incompetence and ignorance. Probably not a coincidence you've become ill.

This is your one, single life. You need to get better for you, nobody else.

When you've done that you can reassess who you want around you xx

My main concern is my son and being judged as a bad mother for feeling the way I do.. although by the same token I realize that I am not being the best I could be while I feel the way I do if that makes sense. I want to get better and just be normal but I feel like asking for help and opening up completely about what's going on in my head will open that door for people to judge and have their opinions about my capability as a mum.

Why are you afraid of dying?

I'm not sure to be honest. Ots an overwhelming fear I've had for many years now. Especially worse since my son was born. I think about it constantly. Every single day all day. Obsessions about heart attacks, strokes, tumours. I spend a lot of my time worrying ill just drop dead every day. Make up scenarios in my head of me getting hit by a car or having a heart attack, getting stabbed in the street etc I envision myself dying in my head and all my family surrounded me. The fear of dying and just not existing is a main anxiety for me and is mainly what my intrusive thoughts are about although I have other thoughts the end goal of them is mainly around my own mortality.

I just can't comprehend it in my head that one day I won't be here. It terrifies me.

I think I recognise you from your other threads about this. I'm sorry you're still feeling so bad.

But you're not taking the medication your doctor gave you. You're afraid of the side effects. So you're unlikely to improve until you do.

Can't you get your husband to give it to you and ensure you actually swallow it?

As soon as I started reading I assumed OCD, people think OCD is about cleaning ect,

Its intrusive thoughts too

Mine started when I was pregnant with my DC, awful thoughts about miscarrying, them dying.

If I'm walking over a bridge I imagine throwing myself off, If I'm peeling potatoes I imagine stabbing myself in the face, envision hurting my children, other people, my children dying, attending their funerals, when in cars I envision crashes or me taking the steering wheel and swerving into traffic

Its OCD and you can get help for it x

I sometimes have thoughts like that - apparently around 95% of people do - but I know they're just thoughts, they don't mean anything. OCD is an illness where the thoughts create such an anxious response that they become an illness. So the thoughts themselves aren't a sign of OCD but the response is.

Hi OP how are you feeling this morning?
You are describing awful, horrible severe anxiety and depression and I think you are amazingly strong to still be functioning.
It is utterly treatable, but at this stage I think you need medication which will take 3-6 weeks to have full effects.
Your A&E department will have a Mental Health Liaison Practitioner team attached. The A&E wait is usually way less than for physical illness. Please go and see them, the person will most likely be an experienced mental health nurse, social worker or OT. Please stress that you are not taking medication and why. Show them this thread as you have expressed what you are going through so well - sometimes people who are very depressed find it hard to use the spoken word.
They will talk to you for quite a long time, much longer than a GP can and be would able to arrange care quickly. They would not suggest a hospital admission unless there is no absolutely no alternative as the majority of people who need help are better to stay at home. You have not 'lost touch with reality' as you are aware you are coping with extreme mental distress; the main risk is that your condition could get worse.
They may think the medication the GP has prescribed is best, they may book you an appointment with a Psychiatrist.
I know with all the doom stories about the NHS we think there is no help. There is actually help for people with acute mental ill health such as what you are going through.
OP You don't have to live like this. You really don't.

Same. Ocd and severe anxiety. It awful. But, it can be treated. OP should realise nothing will happen to her kids or her if she seeks support.

I posted nhs support link further up in the thread where you can seek further support. Please ring a n e.