I think I'm seriously unwell. Please help me.

[WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn]

Please be kind. I've changed my name for this because could be outing.
I've struggled with anxiety mainly health anxiety since my late teens. I'm now early thirties. After my son was born two years ago th anxiety worsened and turned into more very intrusive disturbing thoughts. It took over every aspect of my life. I went through a particularly bad patch where my thoughts were pretty horrific. I would have thoughts of hurting my son accidently, for instance, what if I just threw him down the stairs, I had thoughts about harming my husband- what if I just picked up this knife and threw it at him.. my head was a mess, I can't really explain it but my head felt jumbled and I just felt like nothing was right, I didn't feel on this planet, I felt like I was living in another world and I felt this constant terror, just sheer doom and terror all the time. It was horrible. Anyway I managed to bring myself out of it with CBT and meditation but the thoughts never left. They just b came more wild. For example, if I see a strange light in the sky I will start to worry about aliens coming and th world ending.. I worry that someone is watching me, trying to poison me.. I struggle to go out or drive b cause I'm scared I will have an accident. I constantly check my son b cause I'm scared he is sick. I worry I have spirits in my house and they will hurt us( im not religious so don't know where this has come from) any pains or symptoms I get o go into complete panic b cause I am terrified I will die just like that. Every night I think what if I don't wake up? The thought of not existing seems to exacerbate my other intrusive thoughts. I know they are completely illogical and irrational but I cannot stop. Th anxiety is crippling. Today, that horrible mist has descended where I just feel absolute terror. I have this feeling of impending doom again and I can't shake it. I don't feel right in the head and I am terrified. I have recurring dreams of terror, plane crashes, disease, and then I've convinced myself that i am dreaming of my he future and these things will happen. I've been to my GP numerous times and have had medications, none of which work very well but I will admit I am not reliable at taking sions them because I'm so scared. I have numerous physical symptoms which only make my anxieties worse. I hav many compulsionb such as repetive checking, counting, hand washing, pulling my hair out, ive had numerous therapies, the therapy I had most recently was pointed at OCD and GAD however I've never been formally diagnosed. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm spiralling. I've been hiding how bad I feel in my brain because no one understands or takes me seriously. Please I need someone to help me and help me understand what is going on. I can't cope anymore. I can't feel like this anymore. I would just like to add the thoughts I have terrify me but I've never and would never hurt anyone, I love my husband and my DS to bits. They are what keep me going but I don't know how to tell people in a way they will understand what is going on. I'm scared of people knew how I really felt that I would be carted off and treated like a loony and have my son taken away. I've explained this the best I can but I just feel like what is going on iny head right now in unexplainable.

Exactly what i thought OP...But they dont section nor take your child away. They didnt me, nor daughter, nor sister ♥️

Have you taken your medication today? If not, take it now. You are not having a heart attack. I have no experience of your level of anxiety and intrusive thoughts but I switch off my chatty mind at night by listening to Sherlock Holmes audio short stories by Magpie Audio on Spotify and YouTube. Is there anything like this that could distract your mind from going on? I also heard a meditation technique which I found really interesting. Sit and take some deep breaths and say to yourself 'what's my next thought going to be?' when the next thought starts say it again and keep repeating. It helps you separate your thoughts from yourself. I hope you manage to get the right combination of therapy and medication op.

I haven't taken it for a very long time admittedly.

I think you should consider starting your medication again. I suffered from severe depression a while ago and I threw everything at it. Medication, counselling, rest, exercise, sunlight, omega 3, vitamin D, meditation, giving up my stressful job, yoga, taking up art. I did recover. I think everyone has different things which help but I would take every bit of advice and try it out (for example the books which have been suggested).

Of course. The thoughts were constant, I felt guilty as if I was responsible for these terrible things even though I knew they weren't real but they felt real. The doubt about the thoughts was unbearable. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I lost 3 1/2 stone in 8 weeks. I would vomit every morning due to the high levels of anxiety. I felt this overwhelming fear that my whole world was about to explode. The physical things like fast heart rate, hyperventilating, panic. I was on diazepam for several weeks. Depression kicked in also and I would go days and days without washing, brushing my teeth etc. After 4 months I took an overdose. Not because I wanted to die but because I just wanted the pain and the fear and the doubt to stop. I just couldn't see it ending. In total I was off work for 8 months . I'm slowly getting better. I still struggle with intrusive thoughts daily and feel anxious a lot but it's no longer constant and I'm finding things enjoyable now. It's really tough OP. But I also think it shows that we are caring people because if we weren't we wouldn't get ourselves into such a state because we wouldn't care. Keep talking on here. In my experience when you open up its amazing how many people do suffer with this stuff. People just don't talk about it. Sending love. Xx

My thoughts are constant and I feel much the same as you at the moment. It's relentless.. I truly feel terrible. I just want it all to go away and just be normal. Not have all this worried and fears. I feel like I can't think straight. I know I need help but the fear of what will happen if I try to reach out for some.proper professional help is overwhelming. I feel so alone and isolated.

OP, it's likely that your past trauma has led to extreme anxiety. you might need more therapy.
I would also reccommend staying away from alcohol and caffeine as much as possible. and just give yourself a break from social media.
very sorry you are going through this.

I have been through similar. it's horrific. certain meditations etc. really helped me. you are welcome to PM me if you want any specific advice. x

Take your meds. Now.

You’re not having a heart attack. You wouldn’t be on SM, believe me.

You’ll be ok if you see a psychiatrist and take your meds, so prioritise the recovery actions you need.

I am so sorry you feel like that! I once read in a book about OCD that the author would have let someone babysit their child who was having intrusive thoughts about killing children, because there would have been no chance they would have done it. It is a vicious circle. The anxiety causes the thoughts, which in turn fires the anxiety.

Everyone is different, but maybe one of these suggestions could be helpful to you. Some of them are free or very affordable. They are not specifically aimed at OCD but at calming the nervous system and staying grounded which of course helps with anxiety.

Heartmath app, https://www.heartmath.com/

PacedBreathing app https://pacedbreathing.app/

Grounding techniques:
https://www.psychologicaltherapybooks.co.uk/product/the-finding-solid-ground-program-workbook-overcoming-obstacles-in-trauma-recovery/

The Safe Sound Protocol:
https://integratedlistening.com/products/ssp-safe-sound-protocol/

@WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn do reach out for professional help. They won't section you or take your child away. The very fact you can acknowledge your ill shows that you have insight.
@onlytherain I think I read the same book as you. Like you said the author said that people who get so distressed by these thoughts are some of the kindest most gentlest compassionate people. That's why the thoughts distress you so much.
Having said that, even though you understand it's your mind/anxiety playing up the doubt aspect of OCD is where it's hard. You will never get enough certainty for OCD. My DH said to me once that if you think about it in court they say 'beyond reasonable doubt' and on important paperwork the declaration at the end usually says 'to the best of my knowledge and belief'. It doesn't say ' I am totally 100% sure'. However from my own experience I understand how overwhelming the doubt is . They don't call OCD the doubting disease for nothing.
Hope your ok @WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn . Xx

Op these are intrusive thoughts, it's part of OCD which is part of anxiety.
Please go see your Dr and get an urgent referral to psychiatrists. What you tell them they will have heard a lot of times before.

Your not alone 💚

Mental health hospitals aren't that bad. And no one would take away your child when you're reaching out for help. 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem. That would be a lot of children to take away

@WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn you have medication and you're not taking it.
If you had an infection and were prescribed antibiotics you would take them or risk getting really sick.
This is the same!
Please take your meds.

This sounds exhausting for you op. I think getting onto your meds and taking them regularly will offer you some relief- the concerns you have about taking medications surely can’t be worse than what you are going through at the moment? I’d also get in touch with MIND for some support and speak to your GP to insist you get a referral to the mental health team. You really can get better op, don’t be afraid to reach out for help.

OP could you consider calling your local crisis team? You really need some help and I think this could be the only way, they don't necessarily always section you, I was very unwell postpartum I voluntarily went into mental health hospital twice, I was having some dark thoughts around my son at the time. I have always suffered health anxiety which spiralled in 2020 I was doing the same thing as you, washing my hands until they bled, many physical symptoms (which I still get now). But, my point is I am at a functional level, I get the times where I walk past my window and have a weird thought what would happen if I throw myself out, or if I purposely crashed my car etc it's disturbing. But I really couldn't of coped without professional intervention, GP is no use in this circumstances you need to be seen, would you consider contacting crisis team or 111 to be seen in a&e? The threshold is pretty high in terms of being sectioned and actually they use that as last resort, both times I was in hospital I never had a social services referral so please don't worry about that either xx

I had psychosis when my daughter was a baby and disclosed thoughts that my daughter was evil. That she was imaginary and not real. That she was real but was someone else's baby and I was being forced to bring her up and that she was mine but had been swapped. After disclosure the evil thoughts my partner was asked to work from home for a week so I wasn't alone with her whilst they could assess I was safe. Once they came out and assessed I wouldn't act on these thoughts I could be left again. All the other times all they offered me was support.

I spent 10 weeks in a mother and baby unit and despite all of the other ladies all having lots of tricky symptoms they had their babies with them. They do their absolute utmost to support families as a unit and know that supporting mums to manage their mental health whilst having their family unit intact is the best scenario for all. Separating mums and children is the last resort and nearly always after support has failed.

When I have extreme anxiety the intrusive thoughts border and sometimes cross over into psychosis and paranoia similar to what you have described here. Medication makes such a difference. I think you need some joined up and constructive support in restarting medication and getting into a good habit of taking it. I fought for so long not to have medication and was on and off it for years. On my own without ownership it was so much harder to restart it and often needed support from the gp and my partner to do so. Please let people know how you are feeling. If you aren't in crisis now I would say you are dangerously close to doing so and maybe some support by the home treatment or crisis team would be helpful. Generally admission are the last resort too. I have been under mental health teams since 2005 and I had my first and only admission in 2021 despite at times having being very unwell but community MH, university when I was there and my partner allowed me to stay at home

Seek help at once

You know you can help yourself by taking your medication.

I was admitted to a psychiatric ward and let me tell the relief and peace I felt there was amazing. I've been totally well since. I would have felt as scared as you about being admitted.

OP. Just checking youre ok? Xxx

Please take your medication, that is the first step. You need the drugs. You are not a failure for taking meds. Then please go back to your GP and explain everything

Hi. Thanks for checking in. I still feel much the same today and feel more panicky. Can't get rid of the dread thoughts that something is seriously wrong or something terrible is going to happen. Ive not managed to do anything today because I just done feel like I can function properly.

I've been to my Gzp and expelian d I'm terrified of the meds mainly due to yh thoughts of I'll effects or side effects. They told me I must take them because until I do they will not help me any further because they can't see if the meds work if I don't take them reliably.which I understand. I know I need to do it.

I feel so ashamed though. My partner wouldnt cope with our son. He is also embarrassed that I'm like this so I feel like it would add to the point embarrassment. My parents have said to me they will disown me if I do anything to get my DS taken away and said if I tell the truth about how I feel that they will take him. And I can't think of anything worse so I just keep quiet.

Bless you...i know all about those feelings.
Please ring one of these numbers listed on webpage...they won't report it unless safeguarding issue...but will listen
Please contact one of them to chat
https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/