I think I'm seriously unwell. Please help me.

[WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn]

Please be kind. I've changed my name for this because could be outing.
I've struggled with anxiety mainly health anxiety since my late teens. I'm now early thirties. After my son was born two years ago th anxiety worsened and turned into more very intrusive disturbing thoughts. It took over every aspect of my life. I went through a particularly bad patch where my thoughts were pretty horrific. I would have thoughts of hurting my son accidently, for instance, what if I just threw him down the stairs, I had thoughts about harming my husband- what if I just picked up this knife and threw it at him.. my head was a mess, I can't really explain it but my head felt jumbled and I just felt like nothing was right, I didn't feel on this planet, I felt like I was living in another world and I felt this constant terror, just sheer doom and terror all the time. It was horrible. Anyway I managed to bring myself out of it with CBT and meditation but the thoughts never left. They just b came more wild. For example, if I see a strange light in the sky I will start to worry about aliens coming and th world ending.. I worry that someone is watching me, trying to poison me.. I struggle to go out or drive b cause I'm scared I will have an accident. I constantly check my son b cause I'm scared he is sick. I worry I have spirits in my house and they will hurt us( im not religious so don't know where this has come from) any pains or symptoms I get o go into complete panic b cause I am terrified I will die just like that. Every night I think what if I don't wake up? The thought of not existing seems to exacerbate my other intrusive thoughts. I know they are completely illogical and irrational but I cannot stop. Th anxiety is crippling. Today, that horrible mist has descended where I just feel absolute terror. I have this feeling of impending doom again and I can't shake it. I don't feel right in the head and I am terrified. I have recurring dreams of terror, plane crashes, disease, and then I've convinced myself that i am dreaming of my he future and these things will happen. I've been to my GP numerous times and have had medications, none of which work very well but I will admit I am not reliable at taking sions them because I'm so scared. I have numerous physical symptoms which only make my anxieties worse. I hav many compulsionb such as repetive checking, counting, hand washing, pulling my hair out, ive had numerous therapies, the therapy I had most recently was pointed at OCD and GAD however I've never been formally diagnosed. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm spiralling. I've been hiding how bad I feel in my brain because no one understands or takes me seriously. Please I need someone to help me and help me understand what is going on. I can't cope anymore. I can't feel like this anymore. I would just like to add the thoughts I have terrify me but I've never and would never hurt anyone, I love my husband and my DS to bits. They are what keep me going but I don't know how to tell people in a way they will understand what is going on. I'm scared of people knew how I really felt that I would be carted off and treated like a loony and have my son taken away. I've explained this the best I can but I just feel like what is going on iny head right now in unexplainable.

I've heard back from my GP and they have made me a face to face app for next Tuesday. I don't want to grumble but another six days of this. Just seems to be getting worse every day. On the other hand they will see me for my bad gallbladder pain which I have been having, they will see me today so I'm a bit like well surely I can have two apps in one but I know they will likely not deal with both at the same time.

Please tell them how desperate you are. They might be able to do both or bring the other appointment forward.

The anxiety about being seriously ill whilst experiencing pain might be a route to squeezing it into today's appointment

Call them up and ask to be seen urgently. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Hope your OK x

So I went toy app for my back pain. They are none the wiser and said it sounds like my gallbladder but unless I become sick with temp or worsening pain nothing they can do.
I mentioned about my anxiety and she said nothing sh can do she is only a clinician and doesn't deal with that. So I asked on my way out at reception about bringing me app forward and they basically said no, I'm not classed as urgent. I did explain that I'm really struggling with my anxiety and physical symptoms as well as intrusive thoughts but nope.

Hi OP. I'm sorry you're still extremely anxious.

What medication have you got in your possession which might alleviate that?

I dont have anything that will work straight away. I've got duloxetine which is what I'm supposed to make but I can't remember the last time I took it to be honest x

No propranolol or bisoprolol?

No diazepam?

If you're prescribed duloxetine you need to take it every day for it to be effective.

I do have bisoprolol. I also do have diazepam which has been in my cupboard for six months. I've never once taken it.

I do have bisoprolol. I also do have diazepam which has been in my cupboard for six months. I've never once taken it.

But they're for anxiety. Why don't you take some?
And it isn't true, in that case, that you have nothing for acute anxiety. You obviously have.

Duloxetine is for chronic anxiety and you have to take it every single day.

None of these medications are helpful if you don't take them.

OP you need to take your meds. If you don't, the only help you'll get is when you're bad enough to be hospitalised. The CMHT aren't going to give you anything stronger than what you've got, until you've tried taking the ones you've got.

You're right about the CMHT trying to operate a psychosis-only service, that's the state of MH care in the UK now. It's illegal, they're not only for psychosis, they're for anyone beyond the scope of GP treatment. The problem you've got is you won't try the GP treatment. You need to take your meds, if they don't work you'll get a CMHT referral once the GP has exhausted all options.

Start taking the duloxetine today. Check the packet for whether it's morning, nighttime or both. Have you ever taken it? If you've been on it at a raised dose before, take only the starting dose now and slowly raise it again like you had to the first time. If you take a high dose after a period of being off it completely, that could amount to an overdose, because your body isn't used to it.

Take the others at whatever dose it says on the packet now. Diazepam is safe and it'll make you feel a bit calmer mentally as soon as it takes effect. I'm guessing bisoprolol is a beta blocker. That will cause a reduction in your physical symptoms. Then you'll be able to realise you're not going to have a heart attack and will feel even calmer.

Yes. The duloxetine isn't prescribed for anxiety, it's prescribed for fibromyalgia although I know it will help towards my anxiety. I know it's frustrating, I just have this huge fear of taking the medication and having I'll effects or potentially serious reactions.

Ask a friend or relative to come over and be with you while you take it the first time, so you can feel safe that if you have a bad side effect there's someone there who can call for help.

It's been mentioned before, but your doctor has prescribed this medication to help you. The fact that you don't take it may well be why they won't give you another appointment to discuss your anxiety. They've done their bit. You need to do yours and take the medication.

I'm glad you're getting support on this thread op and I'm also glad that you're still talking to us. I'm so sorry that you're going through this and I do think you can get better. Could you tell your husband that you're going to start taking your medication and to be there for a hand-hold? I suggest you start by taking one of the ones that has an immediate effect (beta blockers or diazepam.) Perhaps there's one you tried before that you know won't give you any upsetting side effects? Take that one for a few days to get used to it. Keep coming back here and letting us know what you're thinking and how you're feeling and we'll hold your hand too. Hopefully, taking one medication might help a bit then you could introduce another one. I know you can feel so much better so think about how you want to feel in the future too. You're being brave now so future you can have a happier life.

I had similar intrusive thoughts after my first baby was born . They were horrendous and I felt ashamed . I also suffered with ocd and can only say 6 months in of Prozac as changed my life around . I was also nervous of taking medication but I am so glad I did . There is help for this .

Thank you everyone. Hoping to get a better night tonight, I've had an okay couple of hours where I've felt quite relaxed despite still being in pain which is worrying me a lot. Dreading going to bed and dreading tomorrow morning. The thought seems to creep back up at nighttim especially when trying to go to sleep.

I don't know if it will help but have a look at Tim Box's Youtube videos on anxiety and sleep related issues, they might help you better understand yourself. They're free and only 8-10 minutes each so not 'heavy' viewing.

Hey @WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn - how was your night and day?

@WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn how are you feeling?

This is a sad situation.

Please please please take your medication - if you do not take it you are going to become even more unwell and by being unwell you are not being the best version of yourself.

On some level you know your thinking is wrong. You’ve admitted it.

Take your meds, and you know something else Drs and the MH services in the NHS can’t be relied upon to be useful because I’ve heard all sorts of experiences but mostly negative. so since you have your pills already why not take them until you do see your GP.

The GP will ask you to take your meds. But please take them every single day.

Also you could copy your post/let the gp read it on your phone so they knew how you were feeling

@WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn are you ok? Haven't heard off you for a few days. X

Hi. Thank you so much. It really means a lot that everyone is reaching out and checking in.
I'm okay, just meandering one. Anxiety still in full force but not as bad as when I created this thread.. the intrusive thoughts are still pretty bad too but again not as bad and I do feel some improvements. I bought some mindfulness books and have been burying my head in them and I had started a new weight loss and my exercise program, just to make myself feel better and my head clearer. Hoping some self care will help. I've been pretty busy the last few days with DS and DH and my stepson so I've not really been on MN to check in. I do feel a bit better but I'm not sure if that's because I've been busy so been distracted. Just having some peace and quite before bed and I can feel the anxiety creeping in. One side of my face has been burning all day and I've just noticed one my knees is super swollen so I'm absolutely panicking about that but just trying to to remind myself it's probably fine. Hoping for some decent sleep tonight.
Thank you so much for all of you xx

Uod

Update
I saw my GP yesterday who has refferred me to the community mental health team. I've just had a call from them and theyve asked me in for an appointment with a nurse and their psychologist. I'm happy about this but also very worried. My husband has just said to be careful as he thinks they will take out DS away or attract the interest of social services, this is exactly what I was afraid of. I feel like I can't get the help I need through fear of the effect it will have on my son and my family.