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I think I'm seriously unwell. Please help me.

129 replies

WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn · 30/03/2024 20:21

Please be kind. I've changed my name for this because could be outing.
I've struggled with anxiety mainly health anxiety since my late teens. I'm now early thirties. After my son was born two years ago th anxiety worsened and turned into more very intrusive disturbing thoughts. It took over every aspect of my life. I went through a particularly bad patch where my thoughts were pretty horrific. I would have thoughts of hurting my son accidently, for instance, what if I just threw him down the stairs, I had thoughts about harming my husband- what if I just picked up this knife and threw it at him.. my head was a mess, I can't really explain it but my head felt jumbled and I just felt like nothing was right, I didn't feel on this planet, I felt like I was living in another world and I felt this constant terror, just sheer doom and terror all the time. It was horrible. Anyway I managed to bring myself out of it with CBT and meditation but the thoughts never left. They just b came more wild. For example, if I see a strange light in the sky I will start to worry about aliens coming and th world ending.. I worry that someone is watching me, trying to poison me.. I struggle to go out or drive b cause I'm scared I will have an accident. I constantly check my son b cause I'm scared he is sick. I worry I have spirits in my house and they will hurt us( im not religious so don't know where this has come from) any pains or symptoms I get o go into complete panic b cause I am terrified I will die just like that. Every night I think what if I don't wake up? The thought of not existing seems to exacerbate my other intrusive thoughts. I know they are completely illogical and irrational but I cannot stop. Th anxiety is crippling. Today, that horrible mist has descended where I just feel absolute terror. I have this feeling of impending doom again and I can't shake it. I don't feel right in the head and I am terrified. I have recurring dreams of terror, plane crashes, disease, and then I've convinced myself that i am dreaming of my he future and these things will happen. I've been to my GP numerous times and have had medications, none of which work very well but I will admit I am not reliable at taking sions them because I'm so scared. I have numerous physical symptoms which only make my anxieties worse. I hav many compulsionb such as repetive checking, counting, hand washing, pulling my hair out, ive had numerous therapies, the therapy I had most recently was pointed at OCD and GAD however I've never been formally diagnosed. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm spiralling. I've been hiding how bad I feel in my brain because no one understands or takes me seriously. Please I need someone to help me and help me understand what is going on. I can't cope anymore. I can't feel like this anymore. I would just like to add the thoughts I have terrify me but I've never and would never hurt anyone, I love my husband and my DS to bits. They are what keep me going but I don't know how to tell people in a way they will understand what is going on. I'm scared of people knew how I really felt that I would be carted off and treated like a loony and have my son taken away. I've explained this the best I can but I just feel like what is going on iny head right now in unexplainable.

OP posts:
thankyouforthedayz · 01/04/2024 07:16

@Rockdaylia44 I couldn't read and run when you are feeling so low. I'm so sorry life is so unrelentingly hard. You are a warrior to be making your way through this.
Are there any take homes from your previous therapy that you could use now? Do you have a self care plan for when you feel that you have no other choice than to end your life? What do you usually do to get through when you feel at rock bottom? Are the crisis services of any help to you?
I really hope you have had some rest and can do something today to feel better.

Loubelle70 · 01/04/2024 07:21

OP...I was diagnosed with bi polar, anxiety and OCD, as i said previously, i sought help. I didnt get sectioned nor lose my child, my counselor said its because i cared so much! I was treated with kindness.

RedHelenB · 01/04/2024 07:50

TiptoeTess · 31/03/2024 19:22

I think you need to show your partner this thread, and then hand him your medication and ask him to make sure you take it consistently for a month.

Do it for him, and your son. You’re worrying about vanishingly minute risks; there is a much bigger and real risk you will ruin your relationships with them both if you don’t get on top of this.

This. Take the medication you've been prescribed

llamadrama16 · 01/04/2024 07:58

I have had this and it's absolutely awful. Most recent episode was a bad reaction to the morning after pill, turns out I'm incredibly susceptible to hormone swings. Could your hormones have done something unusual recently to take it up a notch? I can also be like this a few days before my period.

I've also recently been assessed for ADHD and autism. Intrusive thoughts and anxiety have been something I've always struggled with but motherhood have made it slowly less manageable. I'm not sure if I am ND yet but the intrusive thoughts have been what pushed me to go for an assessment. Could this be something which might be relevant to you?

llamadrama16 · 01/04/2024 08:16

Sorry, I hadn't RTFT when I responded. What I said may be relevant but please do take your medication. Your brain is essentially short-circuiting at the moment and you won't be able to make any progress until you can get the meds on board to support you. You wouldn't turn down a cast and crutches for a broken ankle, would you? You can look at coming off them again eventually but while you're in crisis please give yourself every opportunity to get back to a functional place.

I'm sorry your OH and your family as so incredibly unsupportive, that must be so hard to feel so isolated on top of how you're feeling. Please keep posting here, we understand you.

WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn · 01/04/2024 09:12

I feel terrible today I'm in the middle of a huge panic. I woke up with horrendous back pain and shoulder pains (I know it's likelyy mattress) but Ive convinced myself it's much more sinister than that. DH is at work, DS is still up in his cot. My heart is racing and then slowing down and skipping beats. I'm terrified to go up and get DS out of bed in case something happens to me or I collapse and then he will be by himself and then what if something happens to him. I feel like I need to get urgent medal attention fory symptoms but I can't just go to the hospital. I'm sure this is it this time and I'm terrified and distraghut. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 01/04/2024 09:18

You need to ring 111 or samaritans

coastalhawk · 01/04/2024 11:10

WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn · 01/04/2024 09:12

I feel terrible today I'm in the middle of a huge panic. I woke up with horrendous back pain and shoulder pains (I know it's likelyy mattress) but Ive convinced myself it's much more sinister than that. DH is at work, DS is still up in his cot. My heart is racing and then slowing down and skipping beats. I'm terrified to go up and get DS out of bed in case something happens to me or I collapse and then he will be by himself and then what if something happens to him. I feel like I need to get urgent medal attention fory symptoms but I can't just go to the hospital. I'm sure this is it this time and I'm terrified and distraghut. I don't know what to do.

Hi OP. so sorry you're waking feeling like this. Try calling Samaritans, see if that helps. There is no pressure and you can put the phone down at any point. Please try it OP? Many of us care and would you to have a friendly, listening voice in your ear. It can ease things for a while.

Thinking of you x

WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn · 01/04/2024 11:25

coastalhawk · 01/04/2024 11:10

Hi OP. so sorry you're waking feeling like this. Try calling Samaritans, see if that helps. There is no pressure and you can put the phone down at any point. Please try it OP? Many of us care and would you to have a friendly, listening voice in your ear. It can ease things for a while.

Thinking of you x

Thank you so much. I have used them before but last time I got a lady and she was very patronizing and I haven't phones them since then. Thankfully my DS stayed asleep quite late (he's a good sleeper) so I had some time to try and collect myself. I feel a bit less panicky but in major pain (logically I know it's not life threatening but my brain has told me I musnt be in the house alone in case something happens to me so Ive put DS in his stroller and am aimlessly wandering around town "just in case". At least there will be someone around to help me if I keep over.
Also DS loves being out and about so it's probably good for him to get some fresh air.

OP posts:
coastalhawk · 01/04/2024 18:01

WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn · 01/04/2024 11:25

Thank you so much. I have used them before but last time I got a lady and she was very patronizing and I haven't phones them since then. Thankfully my DS stayed asleep quite late (he's a good sleeper) so I had some time to try and collect myself. I feel a bit less panicky but in major pain (logically I know it's not life threatening but my brain has told me I musnt be in the house alone in case something happens to me so Ive put DS in his stroller and am aimlessly wandering around town "just in case". At least there will be someone around to help me if I keep over.
Also DS loves being out and about so it's probably good for him to get some fresh air.

Edited

Hi OP. Glad you and DS got some fresh air - did the sun come out where you are?

Sorry about the pain, where is it? And did you manage to take your meds today?

Re the Samaritans, really unfortunate that the last woman you got was patronising. understandable if that put you off. I think its quite unlikely to get the same person again but I could be wrong.

How are you feeling tonight? X

WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn · 01/04/2024 19:50

coastalhawk · 01/04/2024 18:01

Hi OP. Glad you and DS got some fresh air - did the sun come out where you are?

Sorry about the pain, where is it? And did you manage to take your meds today?

Re the Samaritans, really unfortunate that the last woman you got was patronising. understandable if that put you off. I think its quite unlikely to get the same person again but I could be wrong.

How are you feeling tonight? X

Thank you.

My pain is still there and I've just been trying to remain calm all day telling myself it's not serious. I was doing okay, we have just started to get a thunder and lightning where I am. Currently say on the stairs as I'm terrified of the lightening coming into my house and striking me!

OP posts:
Littleorangeflowers · 02/04/2024 00:56

OP you sound paranoid and a little on the edge. It might be an idea to find a longer term therapist, possibly psychodynamic or even psychoanalytic, that might slowly help you work out what is going on.

Littleorangeflowers · 02/04/2024 01:02

It sounds like having DS has triggered a lot of anxiety for you which might be from your own childhood / way of thinking about things /rules for life as it were? It's understandable when our own experience wasn't so great. Having a baby, then toddler can knock us sideways 💐

SplitFountainPen · 02/04/2024 01:12

The spirits part and intensity sounds like it's verging on psychosis, which it's very common for people to have a one off episode of in a time of high stress and never get to that point again.

With that severity I would contact your local crisis team, they should be more effective than your GP.
Also speak to your health visitor as they may be able to help with a referral being sped up

FTstepmum · 02/04/2024 01:15

You must see a psychiatrist and urgently. Please.

A person I know very well had these exact symptoms over a year ago and ended up killing his girlfriend (my friend, who he loved and still loves dearly) because of a compulsion to do so. He had the same impending doom, feeling like he was out of his body, like he was in a sinister play or film.

He is now psychiatrically sound, but his grief is off the scale.

Please see someone! Please.

LadyFrumpOfFumpington · 02/04/2024 01:35

WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn · 31/03/2024 21:15

My main concern is my son and being judged as a bad mother for feeling the way I do.. although by the same token I realize that I am not being the best I could be while I feel the way I do if that makes sense. I want to get better and just be normal but I feel like asking for help and opening up completely about what's going on in my head will open that door for people to judge and have their opinions about my capability as a mum.

You can't get help if you don't trust people enough to open up. I know that's scary but you have to do it. If the meds you take don't work, a psychiatrist can prescribe different/stronger ones. This is what I have and it works to stop things when my brain is doing this, giving me back my functioning ability.

You don't need to tell your parents anything about this. Your health is your business so don't worry about their opinions because they don't need to know.

Nobody is going to take you child away because you feel like this, but even if they did it still wouldn't be your fault. Firstly because you're ill and you didn't make yourself ill, it's not your fault. Secondly because your son has a father who isn't ill. If your son was taken away it would be his father's fault, not yours. If your son was taken away it would only be because you were in a psychiatric unit and he couldn't be there with you, not because you're a bad parent, so he'd be returned to you when you were discharged. But you're not nearly bad enough to be hospitalised, so all this is irrelevant. Although for the record, hospital isn't so awful. It's not fun, but it's not awful.

You parents are unsupportive, so if they disowned you you won't have actually lost anything worth having, just a pair of judgemental and unhelpful people who caused childhood anxiety and contributed to your current problems by doing so.

Your partner is unsupportive and needs to understand mental illness is illness. TBH if he refuses to acknowledge that he's not worth having either. The last thing you need when you're unwell is someone blaming you for it. There's nothing for him to be embarrassed about, it's a ridiculous response to someone who is ill. He should be caring about your health, not worrying about how it looks to others if his family unit is less than perfect and contains an ill person. Would he be happy if you ditched him if he became ill?! No, he'd expect you to stand by him and be supportive. So fuck him and his embarrassment. You don't have to manage his emotions for him anyway, let him feel however he feels. Especially at the moment, you've got enough of your own feelings to be dealing with.

Why do you think your partner won't cope with your son? He's a grown adult and he's a parent, I'm certain he'll manage and it's time for him to step up whether you're at home or in hospital. If he's unsure about something he can ask friends or relatives for advice or sign up for Mumsnet.

Everyone pressurising you to do everything and be everything they want you to be is likely contributing to wards your anxiety getting worse. They all need to back off with that pressure and step up to do whatever is necessary, whilst you take some space to recover.

Learn to start putting yourself first. That's how you can be the best parent. That includes asking for help when you need it and trusting the mental health professionals.

pikkumyy77 · 02/04/2024 02:41

You can not overcome these symptoms on your own. Intrusive thoughts and terrors can be both the product of PTSD and OCD. When they reach the level you are describing they are far beyond your ability to wish them away or for a short course of CBT. Do not let your GP fob you off.You are experiencing acute and dangerous symptoms per report. People tend to minimize and understate their symptoms so if what you are describing is only half the truth you must get psychiatric help to reduce these symptoms. This is nit your fault! You need compassionate care.

FTstepmum · 02/04/2024 07:49

OP, how was your night?

Please contact your local mental health crisis team today. Google them within your borough.

This is beyond the scope of most GPs who are general practitioners, not specialists.

Please do not be fobbed off. You have a group of concerned people on this thread.

What you have is not mere depression or anxiety. But it is treatable - I've seen it first hand.

Love and strength to you xxx

WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn · 02/04/2024 08:12

Littleorangeflowers · 02/04/2024 00:56

OP you sound paranoid and a little on the edge. It might be an idea to find a longer term therapist, possibly psychodynamic or even psychoanalytic, that might slowly help you work out what is going on.

Yes I'm very paranoid and edgy. It seems to settle down and then come again out of no where.

OP posts:
WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn · 02/04/2024 08:13

I've been up since 4am, could not sleep and up worrying about my heart and my health, got up with DH as he went off to work. Since he's been gon I've been pacing around trying to settle my heart rate and trying to remain calm and push those thoughts that I'm sick or something bad is going to happen.
I've done and online request just now for my GP so I'll see if they get back to me.

OP posts:
WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn · 02/04/2024 08:13

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.

OP posts:
Superscientist · 02/04/2024 09:22

There is a website called "doc ready" that can help you collect your thoughts and symptoms ahead of seeing a gp for mental health reasons. It can help bring together all the things at play when some might get missed.

I hope they call you back, please push to be seen in person as it will give a clearer picture of your distress that might not be evident over the phone.

You have done the brave thing this morning in reaching out. You've got this. It's hard to reach out for help and I know you are scared of the medication but experiencing the experiences you currently are must be scary too so maybe they are worth trying. Good luck

Littleorangeflowers · 02/04/2024 09:38

OP depending on your area, you could ask if there's anyone working psychodynamically. You'll be able to Google your area to find your nearest department. Your GP can refer you. The fact that you have a child actually means you should get help sooner - to keep you two together. You want to get on a secondary care NHS waiting list as there can be a wait. The thoughts and beliefs are unlikely to go away on their own. They might ease as your baby gets older if it's to do with that but for your own life enjoyment (!) I would get assistance with this. Or go private.

coastalhawk · 02/04/2024 11:31

Morning OP! Sorry you didn't have a good night. Hope this does not sound trite and unhelpful but have you tried doing some yoga for anxiety (suggesting this because it sounds like the physical symptoms are strong and your nervous system is going full throttle!) this morning? Hope you can get some sun on your face this morning.

Thinking of you and hope you have a better day Flowers

WhatTheHellIsGoingOnnn · 02/04/2024 13:04

Littleorangeflowers · 02/04/2024 09:38

OP depending on your area, you could ask if there's anyone working psychodynamically. You'll be able to Google your area to find your nearest department. Your GP can refer you. The fact that you have a child actually means you should get help sooner - to keep you two together. You want to get on a secondary care NHS waiting list as there can be a wait. The thoughts and beliefs are unlikely to go away on their own. They might ease as your baby gets older if it's to do with that but for your own life enjoyment (!) I would get assistance with this. Or go private.

I have asked this before around a year ago when I was feeling bad and they said they dont have it in my area, I asked to be refferred to the community mental health team and again was told that I don't fit the criteria and they are only accepting urgent patients. Because I am not a self harm risk or a risk to harming others they were not interested. I suspect the case will be the same this time.

OP posts: