I am desperately writing this at 3am on a Sunday morning, after what seems like the 900th day of being woken up by my 3 year old
My husband is asleep next to me, the dog is licking herself and my boy is finally in his own bed. And I am sat here, tears streaming down my face wishing I were dead
We were so desperate for a baby, but we were told that it wasn't going to happen for us. But after 3 years of trying we gave up. And as luck would have it, we relaxed, decided to focus on other things and along came our son.
I am an older parent, so I think expectations were high for me to just "get" parenting, like it should just come naturally to me. It most certainly didn't, in fact, I am not even sure I enjoy being a parent. I am stressed out of my box and I don't think I even like my kid or my life. I love him, I love him more than life itself, I would kill for him ... I just don't like him.
To everyone else, he is funny and sweet and polite and he behaves so well. But, when he is at home, he doesn't listen, he hits, he bites, he screams, he kicks, he throws stuff, he NEVER does what he is asked if him, he doesn't eat his dinner and his tantrums are spectacular!
I try to be a nice parent, I try and sit him down to talk to him about his behavior, but I can see that he is actively looking around him to avoid listening to me. But when he is roaring like a dinosaur for 20 minutes and you have asked him 30 times to stop, it becomes almost unbearable. I am usually a gibbering wreck afterwards, because he only ever seems to turn his anger towards me. I am the only one that gets slapped about by him. So, instead of taking a breath, I shout, my husband shouts, my kid cries. Our house is just so loud and shouty and angry, there is no rest bite from anyone. We don't live in a harmonious environment. I dread to think what the neighbours think. And going out in public?! Forget it, my kid is so disobedient, I am actually embarrassed to be seen with him. We have tried a reward chart and time outs, but nothing seems to be sinking in.
He is incredibly smart, smarted than me, but it's like he is being deliberately obstinate and naughty. Like every move he makes us calculated to try and wind me up.
My parents have him on a Friday while I am at work. They think the sun shines out of him and refuse to believe that he can be a real turd! In fact, I can see on my dad's face that he is judging me. I couldn't do without them but they let him get away with EVERYTHING. They buy him a new toy each week, so he comes home expecting a new toy all the time from me. They don't tell him off and they have been known to undermine me when I do tell him off. In fact they laugh when he is being naughty. I have spoken to them about it, but they just shrug it off and tell me that he is 3, welcome to parenting! My dad says my son's behaviour is payback for when I was a kid, which never makes sense, especially as I was a good kid.
My husband is a great dad. He mucks in with the housework, he picks my son up from nursery everyday without fail and he helps parent. I can't complain right?!
But when we first met, he was the most chilled out person, he never got angry never even raised his voice. Granted, he wasn't the most understanding or compassionate person, but he was lovely.
Now he seems to be irritable and angry and I get the feeling he doesn't like me, our son or the life we built together. I get the feeling he wants to leave but just hasn't got the biscuits to do it.
Before we had our child, he was unfaithful twice but I chose to forgive him but I have never quite trusted him since. It wouldn't surprise me if he were doing it again, and I wouldn't blame him. This life is not fun anymore.
I guess what I am trying to put out to the universe is;
- I feel very alone.
- I feel like a horrible parent
- I feel like a shitty wife
- I don't think I can make my husband or my son happy
- sometimes I think about just leaving or killing myself
- sometimes I think about asking my husband to leave
- sometimes I want to see it through
- just sometimes I want my old life back
Am I such a vile person that these feelings even cross my mind? I am wretched? Is there something wrong with me? Or am I just an exhausted parent with a 3 year and this is how all mums feel? Mum guilt, is it real?
Please help