I feel so alone

[Conniepops2020]

I am desperately writing this at 3am on a Sunday morning, after what seems like the 900th day of being woken up by my 3 year old

My husband is asleep next to me, the dog is licking herself and my boy is finally in his own bed. And I am sat here, tears streaming down my face wishing I were dead

We were so desperate for a baby, but we were told that it wasn't going to happen for us. But after 3 years of trying we gave up. And as luck would have it, we relaxed, decided to focus on other things and along came our son.

I am an older parent, so I think expectations were high for me to just "get" parenting, like it should just come naturally to me. It most certainly didn't, in fact, I am not even sure I enjoy being a parent. I am stressed out of my box and I don't think I even like my kid or my life. I love him, I love him more than life itself, I would kill for him ... I just don't like him.

To everyone else, he is funny and sweet and polite and he behaves so well. But, when he is at home, he doesn't listen, he hits, he bites, he screams, he kicks, he throws stuff, he NEVER does what he is asked if him, he doesn't eat his dinner and his tantrums are spectacular!

I try to be a nice parent, I try and sit him down to talk to him about his behavior, but I can see that he is actively looking around him to avoid listening to me. But when he is roaring like a dinosaur for 20 minutes and you have asked him 30 times to stop, it becomes almost unbearable. I am usually a gibbering wreck afterwards, because he only ever seems to turn his anger towards me. I am the only one that gets slapped about by him. So, instead of taking a breath, I shout, my husband shouts, my kid cries. Our house is just so loud and shouty and angry, there is no rest bite from anyone. We don't live in a harmonious environment. I dread to think what the neighbours think. And going out in public?! Forget it, my kid is so disobedient, I am actually embarrassed to be seen with him. We have tried a reward chart and time outs, but nothing seems to be sinking in.

He is incredibly smart, smarted than me, but it's like he is being deliberately obstinate and naughty. Like every move he makes us calculated to try and wind me up.

My parents have him on a Friday while I am at work. They think the sun shines out of him and refuse to believe that he can be a real turd! In fact, I can see on my dad's face that he is judging me. I couldn't do without them but they let him get away with EVERYTHING. They buy him a new toy each week, so he comes home expecting a new toy all the time from me. They don't tell him off and they have been known to undermine me when I do tell him off. In fact they laugh when he is being naughty. I have spoken to them about it, but they just shrug it off and tell me that he is 3, welcome to parenting! My dad says my son's behaviour is payback for when I was a kid, which never makes sense, especially as I was a good kid.

My husband is a great dad. He mucks in with the housework, he picks my son up from nursery everyday without fail and he helps parent. I can't complain right?!
But when we first met, he was the most chilled out person, he never got angry never even raised his voice. Granted, he wasn't the most understanding or compassionate person, but he was lovely.

Now he seems to be irritable and angry and I get the feeling he doesn't like me, our son or the life we built together. I get the feeling he wants to leave but just hasn't got the biscuits to do it.

Before we had our child, he was unfaithful twice but I chose to forgive him but I have never quite trusted him since. It wouldn't surprise me if he were doing it again, and I wouldn't blame him. This life is not fun anymore.

I guess what I am trying to put out to the universe is;

• I feel very alone.
• I feel like a horrible parent
• I feel like a shitty wife
• I don't think I can make my husband or my son happy
• sometimes I think about just leaving or killing myself
• sometimes I think about asking my husband to leave
• sometimes I want to see it through
• just sometimes I want my old life back

Am I such a vile person that these feelings even cross my mind? I am wretched? Is there something wrong with me? Or am I just an exhausted parent with a 3 year and this is how all mums feel? Mum guilt, is it real?

Please help

Oh OP, I didn't want to read and run. Sending a handhold to you.

And a handhold from me, I hear you OP.

If it makes you feel any better I have none of those things
No husband no kids no pets I barely see or talk to my friends I work loads but feel unsupported quite a lot and I am TIRED
In my clear mind I know a solid block of bad days/months is not the same as a bad LIFE
And I also know that when the things I love become exhausting it is wise to rest not to quit
Can you prioritise rest somehow? A sitter for two hours twice a week? A walk on your own daily?
You're not alone in how you feel. I hope it helps to know that?
Big hugs

Sending you strength OP. I feel for you. You sound like a person who is always kind to others & putting their needs above yours, but who will prioritize you? Who's there for you and sees you struggle without any judgment? At least you should be there for yourself.
Somehow your post made me think of Milly Johnson's "Spring affair"'s main character.

Realistically speaking, what are your options?
I see you're working on Fridays - what about other days? Can you work FT and send your son to the nursery?
Can you ask husband to spend more time with the son?
In the worst case, could you afford to leave your husband as I can see that some of the sadness might be coming out from his past cheating (several times, no less)?
Could you do some therapy?
What makes you happy (hobby, spa, talking to supportive friends, whatever) and could you incorporate more of that into your everyday life?

I'd suggest thinking what your courses of actions might be for each case - trying to stay sane as one family while changing job/going to therapy/whatever, splitting up with the husband (50-50 childcare option or maybe the husband could have the son for the most days), just considering each option and its pros and cons. Maybe you need to process and evaluate how you want to live this life.
You deserve to be happy.

Sending you a big hug.

You’re holding a lot and there is so much pressure on mums - it sounds like even though you have practical support from your parents and husband you don’t have any emotional support- I can imagine everything feeling overwhelming, stressful and lonely when you feel like no-one has your back. I’d also feel upset and a bit angry- and those are really natural feelings and ones that mums aren’t meant to feel (but we do!!)

Would you/ and partner maybe consider counselling or therapy so you can express how you feel in a safe environment?

I am sorry you feel like this, but don’t. Parenting is hard- each stage has its challenges. My son was, and still is sometimes 20 years later, a challenge to parent. We used ‘love bombing’. Basically, i put pretty much everything aside and devoted my energies to my son in a positive way. I didn’t worry about the tidying and arranged to eat easy stuff. We didn’t go out except to the park, where I watched and supervised him for every minute, praising him for specific things. Don’t worry if it didn’t seem to be working, just keep at it.

All day and then every day, I let the small things go and looked for positive things to praise- you might not think there are any positive things but there are. Some phrases i used were
-Well done for getting down that slide by yourself or letting someone else go first
-Thank you for eating your breakfast/ sitting and watching the TV with me/putting your socks on….and on and on and on
-That painting, playing, snuggling is great- let’s take a picture for dad/ nanny.
There weren’t any phones 20 years ago, but you could get him to look at the photos on the phone with aunty/dad, explaining what he and mummy were doing.

i didn’t fly around the place ‘doing’ all the time, I built in time to get my breath back watching TV, or watching lego being built. If we didn’t need to get dressed, that was fine- another upset avoided.

My son was getting my attention in negative ways so to try and prevent this from happening, I tried put him at the centre of what we did as a family. We’d ask him what he wanted to do today, paint, cook, play with lego, plant seeds in plant pots, read a story, watch ceebeebies , sing some songs, have a cuddle on the sofa, snuggle and look at photos of him as a baby- tell him stories about what we did and what he was like how excited daddy and I were to have him- my son loved the one about dad holding him up high and son being sick all over dad’s face!

The gist is that you want him to feel loved, not naughty. To reframe his view of himself, you need to reframe your view too. I had to remind myself that I was desperate for this baby ( also an older mum) and this was my beloved son. I loved him more than anything in the world.

Without explaining the change in tactics, we just did it. Sometimes it was very boring, playing the same role play again and again, but by telling him how much we enjoyed playing/reading/ being with him, he ( mainly) stopped battling us for and instead he would help me or daddy.

When we would have shouted, instead we distracted. When he refuses to put his shoes on to go out ( why are you going out?do you have to? does he?) and he is arguing- decide loudly you are thirsty and are going to see what you could have to drink from the fridge- get him to come over and choose a drink- get dad to come too. Tag team with dad on the activities.

It sounds exhausting, but nothing is more exhausting than sitting up at three in the morning in tears.

My son is a successful 22 yo now, but I have been where you are now MANY times. My husband has always been more laid back, but he has been tested too.

I often look back and think about the mistakes I made, but I was trying to do the best I could, just like you. You can do this, but give yourself a break and don’t sweat the small stuff. All that matters is that you and your lovely husband enjoy this time with your little boy, because it will be only a couple of moments until he is twenty two!

Sending you a handhold OP. This situation is shitty plus also rocking back and forth rethinking everything. I’m a lone parent to DD, now 12, and she is so difficult to deal with that I've resonated hard with a particular bullet point you posted, because I feel the same. Getting smacked around by your own child is utterly, utterly soul destroying. Because from the word go all we want as parents is to give them the world and do everything in our power to give them the best of life. But sometimes this is what happens.
You are not wrong for feeling like this. You are not alone. I gave birth at 22 and have been a lone parent for 11 years. To this day, no matter the interventions I've requested, the door has been slammed in my face. I am now getting smacked around by a child bigger than me (I’m very short) and no help is coming. It's just me on my own. Please get this issue addressed and dealt with while your child is still little. You have to be the advocate for both of you to get this dealt with.

Hi @Conniepops2020 a couple of things really struck out to me. It sounds like you’re really trying so that in itself negates your point that you’re a horrible parent.
can you try and address the things that are in your control. So the shouting is definitely something you can actively work on as that really creates a horrible environment. Your child is 3a step away from the environment that is frustrating.
i have a 2.5 year old sometimes she doesn’t want to move from her spot etc. I often leave her where she is and get on with a task on my list. She isn’t crying or shouting because I’m no longer pestering her, I also don’t feel as annoyed because I’ve been productive. Could be something small like restock toilet rolls.

another thing is the sleep- how often is your sleep disrupted? I know I’m replying at a silly time but I have a 5 month old I’m feeding! But sleep is so vital and I wonder if you’re not rested and this causing you to feel depleted and so you are not able to handle sons moments with the ease you wish to. If sleep is poor focus on addressing this.

don’t try and fix everything at once. Figure out what aspect bothers you the most- is it hitting? Biting? And focus on helping modify that particular behaviour. Offer child and alternative you are comfortable with- you can’t bite when frustrated but you can stamp your feet.

find something in your life that gives you joy and serenity. My daughter’s sleep is awful but I now just wake up earlier and go for a walk when everyone is asleep. I need something in my life that’s mine. give yourself grace- parenting is so overstimulating.

I have a 6 month old and I thought about leaving and even killing myself early on - the thought being anyone could do this better than me.
You are so strong and doing an amazing job.
The council/nhs near me has child behavioural specialists (supernannies) that I know helped a friend of mine a great deal.
Sending love and support xx

I'd separate over the DH business.
Double win in that you'd at least be child free half of every week.

You have two issues that you need to deal with: husband and child.

I couldn't forgive my husband for twice cheating. I would divorce him. If you think you can forgive him and truly trust him then you need couples counselling. I would simply divorce as I'd never be able to trust again.

For your son, I highly recommend bratbusterparenting on YouTube and Instagram. She coaches parents on how to become "leaders" and I think her style would be good for you. You need to take back control as your son is absolutely ruling the roost here and you need to address it now while he's young. She has regular live Q&A sessions, courses you can buy in specific behavioural issues, and also does one-to-one coaching.

There are so many amazing points on here. Love bombing also works wonders in our family. Prioritising rest and finding a hobby just for you which ignites your flame, pretty much everything fuckfecketyfoo said tbh. Looking for the positives and giving attention to the behaviours you want to see rather than the things you don't want to see. I feel like every Mumsnet comment I write I recommend the same books but they really did revolutionise our house and therefore my life! I read calmer, happier easier boys (there's a parenting one for both genders, essentially the same book but the boy one does focus on more of the high octane behaviours you're experiencing), how to talk so little kids will listen and the book you wish your parents had read. I'd prioritise them in that order. They've completely changed how I talk to my children and the fundamentals of our relationship.

I also think you're incredibly strong being able to give your OH another chance if that's the right path for you. I'm not sure I could be so forgiving.

It doesn't sound like you're happy with your husband and I think that is escalating the negative feelings in your house. But three is a horrible age for a lot of us op, and trust me it does get heaps better. Mine is now 6 and I'm a single parent and it's still tough and exhausting but my God it's 100 times better than a few years ago, it gets easier every year for me so far. He sleeps all night, has a sense of humour, snuggles up to watch films, has conversations, goes to the toilet and gets dressed himself etc, and goes to school five days a week :D this stage isn't forever just hang in there.

Hi there OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health Mental Health resources]]. You can also go to the www.samaritans.org/ Samaritans website]] or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

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Wishing you the very best💐