To be sad that someone can’t be themselves?

[ImpeckableChicken]

Didn’t know which topic to put this in so I do apologise!

A close relative recently confided in me that he likes to dress up in ladies clothes. He is pensioner age, married 40+ years, 1 adult daughter and grandchild.

His wife found out years ago and told him to pack it in and threatened to tell their daughter.

He still does it in secret, and has said if he were younger he would consider transitioning.

He has terrible mental health issues and it’s made me wonder if it’s because he’s never been able to be himself?

I’m a problem solver and a part of me wants to say to him ‘Fk them all! Be yourself!!’

BUT

It would be chaos. He fears his family would disown him, wife would leave and god knows how his daughter will feel.

It’s hard to watch and not do anything. Anyone been in a similar position?

I’m not sure whether it would help the mental health issues, as you say it would cause chaos and hurt feelings all round so he may not feel any better. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if my own dad suddenly did this. Tricky one

He has to make up his own mind, but you should be prepared to support him if he decides to "be himself", because for many reasons - including the ones you have outlined - his life and mental health problems are likely to get worse before there is any chance of them getting better.

He has already found out what his wife thinks. Now it's up to him to decide whether his fetish is more important to him than his wife and family.

He has the option of continuing to "be himself" in private while respecting his family if he wants. This is probably the easier option for everyone. However, if that is not enough and "being himself" requires others to participate in his fantasy, he might find his life will become lonely and more difficult. That is something you can help him with if you are particularly close.

I have never seen a trans-man that could pass as a woman beyond the most casual interaction and it gets harder as men age, so he will have to accept that he will be "misgendered" often and many people, especially strangers, will be unable or unwilling to engage with him as a woman.

His mental-health professional is probably the best person to advise him on the best way to proceed to avoid exacerbating his mental health problems.

If he was my husband, I would not want to remain married to him if he wanted to indulge in this fetish and I would refuse to participate in any pretence that he was a woman.

Be themselves ?

Or be something they are not

Yes it's sad that clothes are so strongly associated with a specific sex that people get stressed by men in "female" clothes

A few years ago l used to see an elderly couple shopping, he was dressed in female clothing and his wife just looked so awkward and embarrassed.
I don't know what to suggest, either way he's going to lose something.

His wife would be within her rights to leave him. There are different theories as to what motivates a man to want to dress as a woman and the women who have been with men who do this and transition often have horrific tales to tell in which these men were horribly selfish, self absorbed and abusive to their wives during and beyond their transition. I am limited to what I can say here but just look at what trans-widows say and then come back and tell us that he should just keep doing what he wants and to hell with his wife and kid.

I've known a couple of people in this situation (wives that is). Marrying a cross dresser is not what they signed up to and were very hurt to be told that they should accept it as " that's who their husbands were".

Always said by someone who had no knowledge of the subject whatsoever or by the husband himself.

Invariably it was tied to a kink; can you imagine being expected to traipse around Tesco with your man in women's clothing and being sexually excited. Would you be happy to do that?

Just btw, I'm not in that situation and grateful I'm not.

If it means so much to him to wear women's clothing, why doesn't he wear women's clothing that would be harder for people to spot as women's clothing?

Get a hoody, joggers, trainers, jeans, socks, t-shirts etc.
He can dress in women's clothing without it being obviously women's clothing.

That should alleviate his issues if those issues are truly just because he can't wear women's clothing. If he looked in my wardrobe all he'd find a t-shirts, hoodies and joggers...

If, however, that's not the type of clothing he so desperately wants to wear... I'm afraid it's a fetish he wants to indulge and has subconsciously decided heels and dresses are all women ever wear.

I think that's part of the issue isn't it - if it was just they preferred different clothes - but it's so tied up with sexuality in so many ( most ) ( all known ?) cases that I suspect you only have part of the story ( the poor me part )

@AgnesX I fully agree, if a persons sexual kink is to be dressed up in a gimp suit should their wives and children as well as the rest of society just accept that that is who their husband and father is as well as everyone else if they are intent on enacting that kink in public or is it abusive to force everyone else into participating in your kink practices without their consent?

Obviously there are people who do want every kinky practice to be accepted in public everywhere, don't kink shame they say but most of us do not want that forced on us. What people do in private is up to them but don't force it on unconsenting wives, children or members of the public.

I agree, OP. Must be very difficult to live with that.

Being trans is not a fetish, kink or lifestyle choice.

This. No one is stopping him acting out his fantasies in secret, his issue is just that he wants to do it in public.
With all the focus on it now why would he craving that kind of attention?
Feel sorry for him but tell him to keep his fetish to himself, with thanks from all the real women in the world 👍

Hmm. Is it really so important to dress up that he'd risk alienating his entire family? Sounds like a very selfish individual indeed. To be honest I'd find it hard to sympathise and would recommend he respect his family a bit more.

Oh don't be so sure Debbie Hayton is a famous trans woman who speaks very openly about it being a fetish.

https://debbiehayton.com/2022/05/16/my-autogynephilia-story/

Interesting that you post a link to the one trans person who agrees with you.

But you choose not to listen to the millions of others who say otherwise.

That's called confirmation bias, and is not generally considered the most useful way to form a worldview.

I think in all honesty that there's people with Dysphoria... Like the people I grew up with in the 80s and 90s. They'd say that their reflection didn't match their perceptions and tried to alter their reflections to ease their reactions to it.

And these days there's fetishists using the trans label as an excuse to indulge their fetish purely for sexual gratification.

The first group need full support to live a life as best and well as possible with their own spaces and shelters etc.

The second group, they should stay home and stop harming the first group.

You are being transphobic because you are denying the existence of an entire group of trans people.

You don't have the right to say that these people do not exist.

So, you acknowledge they are two different things and imo it's not helpful or consistent to defend someone who is stating they are the same.

I did not say that every trans person is an AGP.

I was responding to your initial comment that said that

'being trans is not a fetish, kink or lifestyle choice'

which is patently untrue because for many trans people it IS a fetish or a kink. They say so themselves.

It is transphobic of you to deny this point blank.

Being trans is not a fetish or a kink or a lifestyle choice.

If someone has a kink for dressing up and doesn't wish to transition, unlike the person in the op, that's not the same as being trans.

You are wrong. Ray Blanchard wrote decades ago about the existence of trans people with AGP who identify as women, they are the ones who want to be in women's clothes and places for validation. They most definitely do exist.

You are either being transphobic or naieve if you believe otherwise.

But we don't know if this man is trans.

Does he like wearing womens clothes because he wants to be a woman?
Does he have gender dysphoria and think he actually is a woman?
Does he just prefer the cut/fabric/style of womens clothes? (My own DS has some "womens" clothes purely because he likes them and he prefers how they fit over men's ones)
For some men it is a kink. Note I've said some.

In answer to has anyone been in a similar position..... When my now 14 year old was 4 weeks old, I opened up the laptop to find out my husband was a crossdresser and a member of a delightful website called TV Chix and was actively crossdressing for virtual sex with strangers. As my DC was so small, I said he could stay but needed to lose the fetish and stop cheating.
Ten years later, he passed out drunk next to me. This time it was a website called FabGuys and he'd been fucking other cross dressers too for three years. He's still hiding his desire to dress and hasn't accepted the damage he's done. I'm never going to fully trust a man again.

If it's just clothes then it's one thing. There's every chance you don't have the full picture though.
He knows what his wife thinks. It's what's more important to him at the end of the day

I mean he can but that doesn’t mean his wife has to stick around. Reality is crossdressing is usually a fetish a tiny number probably have gender dysphoria. I don’t think anyone is obliged to stay in a relationship where the other has moved the goal posts, that doesn’t make them a bad person.

I’m sure it’s a fetish for them. But not everyone’s gonna feel the same way.

I’m not sure I agree that he’s selfish. He’s kept this secret a long time, been coerced into living a ‘normal’ life by his wife. His wife is very dependant on him, he drives her everywhere, he was the main earner up to retirement.

I can’t imagine living a life like that

Most heterosexual men who dress and attempt to present as women get a sexual thrill when people - especially women - treat them as if they are women. The older the man is when he transitions, the more likely this is to be the case.

You don't have to take my word for it, there are many trans-women who will admit it. Debbie Hayton being one of the most well-known.

You rarely see trans-women in frumpy or modest clothing. Most wear highly sexualised clothing and makeup. Short skirts, skimpy tops, high heels, heavy makeup, false fingernails and eyelashes. They are sexualised caricatures of real women.

Do you still want to participate in the fantasy?