Will I ever recover?? 😢

[Whycantgiraffesdance]

Everything just feels so hopeless and I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel 😔

diagnosed with PND after my second child, she’s 19 months now but this probably began when she was about 10 months. I wake up every day filled with despair and panic and end up sobbing because I just can’t take feeling so low and anxious all the time.

been on antidepressants for many years following some trauma but they seemed to ‘stop working’ so I’ve been on a new anti depressant for 2 weeks now but no sign of them making me feel any better yet.

im being seen by the mental health home treatment team most days after reaching crisis point a few weeks ago and I feel like everything is being done to help me but I just can’t see a way out.

Anyone that can relate to this please tell me it will get better?? 🙏🙏 it feels like a living hell right now and I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this mental torture 😔 I have to carry on for my children’s sake but it is just too hard.

I'm here with ya girl 💚

💚

I’m here and have been exactly where you are now and yes it feels horrific and that nothing will get better but it will. Take one minute at a time one hour one day.
glad you have HBTT here’s a hand hold and just reach out if you need too

Thank you both @Bagpuss2022 @hk1993x everyone keeps saying it will get better I’m just finding it so hard to believe them right now 🙈
feel like I have no fight left in me today 😟

I do feel a little better than I did over a week ago. Still have wobbly days but I do promise you it does get a little easier, remember and be kind to yourself, your still here and your fighting 🩷

So pleased you are feeling a bit better ❤️ are u still being seen at home? I think I’m just scared the new meds won’t work and then I’ll be back at square one trying something else. I just want to feel like myself again x

When you’re so far down in the hole often you can’t see the light. I’ve been there.
I’m closer to the edge of the hole now and can see the light but for such a long time I couldn’t see it and couldn’t see that I’d ever see it. Hand holding.

Thank you, that’s all I want really to just see some glimmer that I am getting better!

Yeah I'm being seen every 2nd day. Don't worry I am the exact same. I've asked to be considered for a mood stabiliser also, I've been on lots of different medications and fluoxetine is the only one that's actually been decent for me so I refuse to let them change it but I need something else added on. Still on that tightrope of feeling very anxious or very flat but can see little light moments during the day where I feel in the middle if that makes sense, they say to give it a max of 6 weeks to see any potential benefit, what have you been put on? Xx

im on venaflaxine. I was on citalopram for over 10 years and they kept me stable all that time but just didn’t feel like they were doing their job this past year which is why I’ve been changed but it does make me nervous! I’ve also got lorazepam to take for the worst panic but they’ll only let me have them for a few weeks.

I do occasionally feel slightly hopeful like when I pick my little boy up from school but then the mornings come and all the previous nights optimism comes crashing down and I feel hopeless again. Just been crying nearly all day today, it’s exhausting! 😢

I used to be on venlafaxine, also citalopram, sertraline, mirtazapine and a few others im sure, i get to the highest dose then do well for a while then i crash and burn back at swuare one. Im now on fluoxetine 60mg, I used to be on 60mg then it got reduced to 40mg now back up to 60mg but I'm sick of just getting passed medication.

I wish there was a magic tablet, I would sell my soul to the devil for it. My issue is that I keep looking for the medical reason why I am feeling like this, is there some sort of issue in my brain that's causing it? I know everyone has some sort of anxiety but until they experience it like us then they don't know how debilitating it can be.

My psychologist I seen yesterday was okay, she asked about the intrusive thoughts the anxiety depression etc and told me not to focus on the diagnosis. The truth is that my anxiety stems from anxiety (how ironic!!) I told her I don't want to sit and do box breathing and decider skills because I am not in the right frame of mind to do it.

We need to get ourselves truly in a place where we can focus on these techniques such as cbt etc. Don't let them fob you off cause I'm fighting like hell to prove to them that this isn't living! It's survival mode we are in and we can't live like this.

Trying to explain to doctors etc what is going on in your head is so hard when it is just a big ball of mush!

I am going to start writing things down, because when I get there I can be like look, this is what is happening, I am psychologically minded but my brain feels like playdoh!

The best way I described it to the nurse is, picture this - imagine someone constantly sitting poking you with a stick etc, in the side, constantly saying hi I'm here please notice me and no matter what you do or say to ignore it, the stick is still getting prodded in to your side, that's when you finally are like THATS IT. That's what it feels like.

I totally get you OP, I am the exact same as you. But I got you even though we are strangers on the Internet, I hope you take comfort in the fact that I am the exact same.

Please be kind to yourself, get kids to bed, have a bath, go eat some junk food and watch some good rubbish TV. Be selfish, and take pleasure in the fact you have made it through another day 🩷🩷

I could cry reading your post, you describe perfectly everything I feel right now! And I do get the being anxious about being anxious as I am sat here wishing for bedtime so I can get some relief with sleep but at the same time dreading waking up in the morning as I know how anxious I’ll feel! 🙈

the therapist that’s been coming to see me is lovely but I’m like you, the breathing techniques don’t even touch the sides of ending the constant knot of fear in my stomach.

I just feel so guilty that I’m not being the mum my children need and deserve at the moment, I just feel so detached from them it’s awful 😞 I’m only fighting as hard as I am for them, they need their mum well!

thank you @hk1993x for making me feel less alone, we will get through this one way or another! 💪🏻x

@Whycantgiraffesdance I have been where you are several times. Last year being the most recent. I pretty much had a complete breakdown, was off sick for 8 mths, couldn't see it ending ever, the relentless mornings waking up vomiting with anxiety, shaking with fear. Ended up taking an overdose because I just wanted my mind to be quiet.
But it did get better. I still struggle with my anxiety daily but I'm back at work, able to go out to meet friends for a meal, walk my dogs. It is so so hard I know but hang in there. X

Thank you @Ilovedogs1 can I ask how u managed to get better? So glad you are in a better place now ❤️

@Whycantgiraffesdance I'm not totally sure . I felt the psychs were just upping and upping meds everytime I went for an appointment and that it was a bit like just a sticking plaster but not really getting better. I did a bit of research myself into the medication and gradually lowered my dose . I have a diagnosis of OCD and I started sessions with a peer support specialist who has recovered from OCD himself and has 3 published books, and I find these sessions so helpful because he's been there and knows exactly what it's like.
This motivated me to think enough is enough and that I really needed to tackle it.
Also I know it's a cliche but the eating well,exercising, getting proper sleep all helps. When I was tired before I would feel guilty if I stopped because there's always stuff to do,right. But now I actually go for a nap. If you don't look after you then you can't look after anyone else so by looking after yourself your helping everyone.
I'm still on medication and it has it's place of course but personally I think that looking more at your behaviour and responses and working on tgat6helps massively. Sending hugs. Xx

I have experienced mental illness all of my adult life and I was diagnosed with bipolar in my 20s.
When I had my daughter I developed severe depression and psychosis starting around 3 weeks post partum. I had a lot of support in the community but with limited help. At 10 months I was admitted into mother and baby unit now with treatment resistant depression and pyschosis. I was there for 10 weeks and that got me into a position where my mood was finally moving in a positive direction. I was on high doses of 4 medications, 2 mood stabilisers, an antidepressant and an antipsychotic.

Following discharge I had therapy from the infant parenting service and that was by far the best thing I had to help my mental health. We did vig therapy which is a lot talking whilst looking at what being a mum and being a parent and child means. By the time my daughter was 2 I was most back to normal.
I started back at work at 13 months doing a slow phased return. It took 2 months to get to 4 days and I learnt I can't work more than 2 days in a row so now I have Wednesdays off.

I'm just about to start some counselling with my HV and some work with the nurse managing the SMI list at my GP surgery. I get very little support from my cmht now aside from mediation reviews. My daughter is 3.5 now and I'm a few weeks away from get back down to the antipsychotic I have been on as a mood stabilizer for 12 years with the idea of potentially trying for a second child.

My pnd was close to my worst ever episode only period that comes close was the final year of my PhD. It was a completely different kettle of fish compared to my normal depression. I was a bit blaze ahead of having my daughter. I knew what depression looked liked to me. I knew what medication helped but nothing made any difference and we needed a different strategy. Lithium was the game changer in the end but I needed the very highest doses to just get off the bottom. I needed the other meds to go from just above the bottom to something close to normal and to allow for the therapy to work

Wow that sounds really tough going @Superscientist thank you for sharing. I’m glad you have managed to come out the other side though, good for you! ❤️

Had a horrible start to the day, panicky and tearful but I eventually managed to go for a walk with my mum and even went into a shop, then picked my little boy up from school which I guess is progress but I don’t feel any better for it, just feels like I’m going through the motions at the moment. I feel so flat like all the joys been sucked out of my life 😢feel so sorry for my partner and kids having to live with me like this 😔

Good for you to even get out of bed hun, I had an OK start to my day, got up and got kids ready for world book day, took them to school. Came home and went out with my hubby for a walk and just sat at a big lake area and just listened to nothing. Came home feeling flat and anxious and fell asleep on the sofa for a few hours and now feel like the worst parent in the world cause hubby had to make dinner do washing etc. Absolutely hating this 😔😔😔

It’s sucks doesn’t it @hk1993x 😔 I’ve just had a bath and am just watching some tv but I’m already feeling anxious for tomorrow, just wish I could take my brain out for a few hours just to get some peace from the negative thoughts! 🤯 I’m really hoping my meds kick in soon and lift my mood a bit as nothing else I’m trying is working!

Yeah feel like I am going insane! It's so hard to explain how you feel, I feel like my mind is just so clouded I can't separate any emotions x

Yea I agree, I’ve given up trying to explain how I feel I don’t even know myself anymore! At least we can be miserable together @hk1993x 🫣

It WILL get better op. Hugs lady 💐

Thank you @FluffyToesMeow 🙏

I had a complete breakdown in September and made plans to end my life. Thankfully I reached out to the GP and she immediately put me on antidepressants and contacted the crisis team who visited me every day for about two weeks.

It was awful, I could not eat, sleep or concentrate on anything and was off work for about 2 months.

I am a bit better now and the meds are working but I still have a lot of anxiety, nightmares and I am exhausted most of the time.

So I do think it can get better but it is not easy and it takes time.