Will this ever get better?

[hk1993x]

Hi all. I am now on day 11 of an increase to 60mg fluoxetine for severe anxiety, panic and OCD. I have 4 beautiful kids, an amazing husband and a good life and I can't stop panicking and having intrusive thoughts. I think depression is starting to kick in as I haven't left the house in 11 days and I don't want to. I just want to curl up into a ball 😔. I can't keep going like this, I am under the crisis team and they have asked me to keep going with the medication (fluoxetine and dizaepam) but after I have a sob, I feel so numb and flat. I can't see a way out of this and I'm thinking everyone is better off without me but then I'm saying I don't want to die I want to be alive and be with my family and happy. I feel like im stuck between a rock and a really hard place and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just so tired 😔

Well done for doing the school run! I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal but that would be in my world! I’ve got a really supportive partner and a good network of grandparents to help with the kids so I’m lucky in that respect. I’m on venaflaxine ( I was on citalopram for years but it seemed to stop working!)I’ve also been seeing a private counsellor but not sure if that’s just been counterproductive as I often come away feeling worse so I’ve stopped that for now and will see what the home treatment team come up with 🙏 how long have you been suffering like this for @hk1993x ? Do you know what triggered it?

That's good you have a great network around you, let them help 🩷

God, I became unwell after my youngest was born in 2017. Got diagnosed with PND and severe anxiety it was horrendous, I can't remember much from that time as it was a blur 😔. I have been on and off a few medications in the last 7 years and the fluoxetine has been the only one that was consistent with me.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in September last year and the doctor put me on meds for that but reduced my fluoxetine, I didn't think anything of it. I had a bad spell at Xmas during a sickness bug (I DIDNT EVEN GET XMAS DINNER 😭😭) so got taken off the adhd meds as the doctor said they can contribute towards anxiety.. I was wondering why I got them in the first place then 🫠. Seen him again in January and he put me back on them at a 5mg dose but refused to increase my fluoxetine. So I think it's been like a ticking bomb waiting to go off.. I'm unsure if the ADHD mimics the OCD or vice versa. I'm a uni student studying paramedic science and thought I need to get some more clarity on this so I'm able to focus better on my studies. Fast forward to 11 days ago I was at my GP sobbing to help me. I felt like I couldn't take control of what was going on, everything hurt both physically and mentally and she referred me back to the mental health team at the hospital. I went for an assessment and they got the home treatment team (mhaats) involved. They said that they want to keep me at home as they believe with the wards at the hospital being so chaotic and noisy etc I would most likely be in a room myself and would have little time face to face with nurses as there were more severe cases.

I want to stay at home with the kids and my hubby as I find them to be a good distraction but by god its hard battling your head. I feel physically present but not 100% mentally yet. My hubby is a uni student too and he has had to take some time away to help out so I have that overwhelming feeling of guilt. I have to get better by max 4 weeks or defer to resit my year in September.

Sorry for the long rant, I wish there was a magic pill for us all to stop our suffering. We don't wish this for anyone and would take it away if we could 💚

Are you finding your team helpful? I would also ask to maybe get a physical done? Get some bloods checked etc, that's what I'm gonna do to see if there is anything contributing to it all xx

@Whycantgiraffesdance

Also forgot to answer, I don't have a specific trigger which is annoying. It's like I feel the tiniest bit if anxiety and it snowballs.. so I guess anxiety is my trigger 🫠🫠

@hk1993x Sounds like you’ve really been through it bless your heart. And don’t apologise, rant away! ☺️ it’s so hard to access the right kind of care, I think that’s half the battle. My gp was sympathetic but it seems unless u are threatening to kill yourself there and then they are reluctant to refer you on to anyone who may actually be able to help! Or if u do the waiting lists are horrendous! But I’m really impressed with the home team and grateful for the support they are giving ❤️ I have had various blood tests, only thing I have is low iron but I find iron tablets quite harsh on my stomach! 😫

Just hoping things can get better moving forward, feel like im just surviving a day at a time just now. Mornings are the absolute worst for me, I could just curl up and cry myself to sleep 😔. Aw iron tablets are horrible for your tummy aren't they xx

Yep mornings are a killer! I felt a bit calmer after my visit at midday but am sliding again this evening 😢 my mood is so up and down I can’t keep up! 🙈 hope we both have a better day tomorrow x

Please keep in touch hun. We can support each other through it 💚💚

Of course ❤️

Mornings are the worst for my anxiety too op so you're not alone there, I wake up and I'm already shaking or heart pounding and the thoughts just start straight away, it's absolutely awful. I hope the nurse is right and the adjustment to medication is causing this spike for you and all will settle down when your body becomes accustomed to it.

Oh OP, I feel for you and so sorry you have this added stress of time pressure. I too had a virus at Christmas followed by huge anxiety. My psychiatrist upped me to a higher dose of ADs and gave me diazepam for anxiety for 2 months to even things out. I am feeling much much better.

Of course everyone is different and health-care is different depending on your country, but I encourage you to see a psychiatrist who will be much more competent in prescribing what you need . Your GP sounds awful and it is a shame to get things so wrong.

The psychiatrist would also help you decide which is more important/ possible right now, your mental health or finishing your university year .
Best wishes. ;)

Evening everyone, I've had a pretty steady evening so far, I managed to make dinner and clean up etc instead of being glued to my couch! I know it's coming up to bedtime though so I am slightly apprehensive about the morning, my alarm goes off to get the kids up from school and it sets off an internal alarm in me that starts shaking! I've seen 2 different psychiatrists but I would really like to have someone consistent, like a psychologist etc to do therapy with. I hope your all well this evening and everyone has a good night's sleep 🩷

Hi. I think cortisol levels are higher upon waking in the morning and it’s this that gives the feeling of dread. You should find it dampens down with the antidepressants x

Just as an aside OP, I have always found Diazepam incredibly mood lowering, maybe good for anxiety but the depressive effects for me outweighed any benefits

@WhatAMessAgain123 I second that for Bryony Gordon. She is amazing, so honest and tells it like it is. Do you suffer with the intrusive thoughts type of OCD?

Thanks everyone for their comments, I've only to use the diazapam 4 times a day to keep the panic at bay. I'm hoping once these tablets kick in I'm able to think more clearly. I'm getting ready for bed just now and I'm so terrified of the morning jitters and anxiety, I just hope it eases off quickly tomorrow! And I will defo check that out, I love to hear others experiences with OCD, some people associate it with cleaning but mines is more intrusive thoughts Xx

Do you have a link for her podcast? I think I would really like to listen to that. I love when people are raw about their mental health, like it makes you feel like you are not alone! The intrusive thoughts are horrendous, I feel like smacking myself in the face when they rear their ugly head lol x

i promise you it will get better!!! I struggled with this when I had my daughter last year. I was having panic attacks, super anxious all the time and got to the stage I struggled to leave the house. What really helped me was doing an online CBT course which I was referred to through my doctors (course is an app which you work through your own pace with check ins, I think it’s set up my NHS). I thought it would be unhelpful but actually it has really taught me to understand anxiety and give me skills to cope and face my fears. It wasn’t a quick fix either but definitely has helped. Just taking things slowly I think is key. Also take the wins like managing the school run or getting to the shops.

the best thing someone said to me at the time was “so what if you have panic attack in public or take unwell what’s the worst that could happen”

I had been so worried about what people would think of me or being judged or taking ill due to the anxiety, I got more or more fearful of going out. This person told me if the worse did happen as embarrassed or ashamed as I may feel that people around would help, unlikely to judge if they saw someone taking a panic attack or having a breakdown espically with children in tow. This gave me a lot of reassurance and has really helped me get back out.

I'm hoping to do some mindfulness courses, therapy etc once I can get on top of me becoming in complete crisis mode. It's absolute hell and I wish it would just leave me alone now 😔

How are u today @hk1993x ? I’ve had an awful morning 😢 the doctor came today and had doubled my anti-ds and prescribed something else for the panic. I just want it all to go away, I can’t imagine ever feeling better at the moment 😫

I'm okay hun, had a bad morning and then the nurse came out and I just sat and sobbed to him. I feel a little better since he left. I'm up to 4 diazapam a day just now and to go for a medical to check things. Just the constant shaking etc is frustrating. Sitting having a cup of tea watching the great British bake off trying to take my mind off everything. What have you been upped to? The nurse said to me that the increase in medication will 110% make your anxiety worse before hitting a therapeutic level. It's exhausting isn't it? Have you been given diazapam? Xx

@hk1993x I always seem to feel a bit better once the care team leave, they are a godsend at the moment! I’ve been given something similar to diazepam for the short term.

in a positive note I managed to go on the school run with my partner to pick up my little boy which is a first in over a week! Little steps x

Aw that's great, thats all we can do hun is little baby steps 🩷 you should be chuffed with yourself xx

How are you this morning? I'm not so good 😔 xx

Sorry you're not feeling too good this morning op.

I can relate to every single thing you're saying as I've had intrusive thoughts, anxiety and depression for such a long time and im also under mental health services and see a psychiatrist. I've been on every anti depressant known to man i think. I've had periods of coping and periods of not doing well at all.

Do you listen to audio books at all? I know you have children so this might not be an option all the time, but to distract me from the thoughts I listen to books. I'd be completely lost without them and listen going to sleep, cooking, whatever really but it helps calm me and stop me catastrophising.

I'm disabled now but I long to get out with my dog and go on energising walks as these helped me before. I always always always felt better after getting out for a bit, preferably to a park or forest where there aren't too many people. Weekly aqua aerobics classes also made me feel great and I miss it so so much. I spend so much time alone indoors now and I know it's made me worse even though I feel safe and less anxious here.

Therapy. I'm very low income and found someone I clicked with who does cheap rates for folk like me. Massively helpful. Learning the cbt techniques are fab tools but also unpicking the root causes was important for me too. You can get worse before you get better with this as it's a slow process and it's draining and hard but I'm so much better than I used to be.

I'm having a really off couple of weeks at the minute but I think that's largely due to a couple of stressful life events. Hope you don't mind my input but I just wanted to let you know I hear you and hope some of the things that help me are useful to you.

Sorry you’re not good again @hk1993x 😔 I’m not too bad this morning, still anxious and jittery but managing not to burst into tears. I have the therapist from the home team coming this morning. Still feel like I’m going to be like this forever, I seem to have lost all hope even though everyone keeps saying I’ll feel better!

are u with anyone right now? I’m here if u need to chat 🥰