Having a child has ruined our lives.

[BrandNewSofa]

If that sounds like I don’t live my daughter then that’s not the case, I love her with every fibre of my being. I would walk through fire for her. She’s everything.

however.

Ever since she arrived me and DH have struggled with stress. From the off she had health problems- allergies and acid reflux. This then became years and years of croup/ chest infections/ wheezing and hideous coughs. We have become absolutely paranoid about being around anyone who might give her their lergy. In the last month we have been back and forth to a&e and the drs countless times. I’m exhausted. He is exhausted. The mental health toll it’s taken on us has been huge. We don’t have family to rely on. It’s just us. I remember before we had a child and we would enjoy chilled days and nights together and we were happy. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments of happiness and fun and we have photos all over the house of us on days out etc together, but these health problems have ruled our lives.

in case anyone comes at me, I know that people have worse than this. I’m just dealing with what I’m facing.

i have felt broken the last few weeks. Dh is miserable and I am too. It feels like there is never anything but stress.

DD can be volatile and DH and her sometimes clash. Dh has ibs and spends a lot of time down about that too. I’m battling PTSD and often have nightmares. Everything is so hard all the time.

DD is lovely and hilarious but unless she’s on her phone she wants one of us sitting with her for every minute of the day. It’s utterly draining. I need ten minutes to myself here and there. I need to breathe.

i know nobody here can help me just beyond sad and exhausted.

2hrs of screen time sounds like very little for a 14yr old!
Does that include being on her phone/watching TV or Netflix?

She sounds a little emotionally immature or younger than her age.
Maybe she just needs a bit more time to grow up.

Is there something else going on in the dynamic between you and DH?
Is there pressure on you coming from his side?

If DH is frustrated with DD then you feel guilty like it's your fault?

If he's annoyed, stressed or angry you feel it's your job to fix that?
If you think it's your job to fix his feelings, you'll never be happy.

If DD is annoying DH, that's his tough shit to deal with.
Doesn't mean you have to take on that.

Just because DH is having a bad day, doesn't mean you have to match his mood and have a bad day.

Forgive my directness but what's coming across to me is a Spoilt and Over Indulged child.

So work around changing that would be my view.

I’m thinking ADHD too. That whole body doubling thing.

And The constant need for attention.

I've read your posts. I think that your challenge here is that the health issues, and possibly the fact of an only child has combined to create a situation where she literally is the centre of your lives at all times. Which is not really healthy at this age. It's understandable though - children who are healthy and who are part of a larger family, are forced to learn they're not the centre of the universe pretty early but in your case, her being an only child combined with terrifying health conditions has created this scenario.

So now you have to work actively to change things. You don't have to go all guns blazing from day 1. But start small - "I am going to watch this tv show now. You're welcome to join me or go do something else, but I want to do this."

Also encourage more independent time out of the house.

Also, this one might be contentious - I'm not convinced about the 2 hour device rule. At this age, I'm more inclined to a "you have to have done your homework/hobbies/sports/chores etc but after that you can do what you like." Not least because devices is how they alls tay in touch. It's the group chat where someone says in the morning, "shall we go into town today" that encourages DS to get up and moving to go and meet friends. He wouldn't do that if we refused to let him have his phone outside of certain hours.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I wanted to say that I feel a bit sorry for your daughter. You’re the adult here. Just go out for the day with your partner without her and let her know that it’s normal and you will be back at 6pm for dinner and give her some money to pop to the shops or something if she wants. 14 is still quite young and it’s an awkward age as she’s only just become a teenager. Maybe organise for someone else to come over whilst you’re out. I remember being at that awkward age and feeling like I was in my mum’s way. She still needs some guidance. There are lots of great babysitters who act like big sisters, eg aged 21. Maybe start there by getting a fun au pair type of person to go out to the cinema with?

Wow, how mentally and physically draining.

It amazes me these days how many teenagers/young adults are in fact unable to amuse themselves. It always used to make me chuckle when SIL used to try to arrange playdates with my own children. 100% of the time it revolved around something expensive. A play centre or a activity that cost lots when you have 2 x DC and yourself to pay for plus food and drinks etc. Whenever i countered with "lets just take a ball to the local park, come around to my house for board games or go for a walk" it was refused. Guess who has DC who wont do anything if its not some huge event or big effort from everyone? DM & DH are constantly having to try to be social secretaries to keep one DC amused. My two just inform me of what they have planned these days and i have to ask if i can fit into their own social activities now.

I’m not sure if either OP or her DH work at all as OP will not answer the question. If neither work they have plenty of time together alone when DD is at school.

Depending on the activities she does. Are they something that has classes for much younger children. She could get a job as a helper.

Dd at 14 was working all day Saturday at the place she did her weekday activities. Getting the train and tube into central London on a Saturday Morning and then working till 6 in the evening and then going out after to someone’s party or just getting a drink and some fries in Mac Donald’s before coming home or asking me to pick her up from the station

Even if her activity doesn’t lend itself to getting a job there I think getting any Saturday/Sunday job + a holiday job during anytime she is off will give her a little more independence.

If she is money driven then it might be the making of her.

I can understand the fear that comes with having an attempted abduction happen close by but even if you have to drop her off and collect her from work I think it will give you a break on a weekend to just being able to do what you want.

OP, you posted about a year ago about a near identical scenario relating to your 12 year old son.

Is this the same child?

She's 14.

I thought you were talking about a much, much, much younger child.

You need to just go out.

Tell her that you are popping to the shops and you'll be back in.a couple of hours.

Then go out and get a coffee.

With no special needs She's perfectly capable of staying at home alone for a couple of hours

And two hours a day isn't much at that age..she will want to message her friends, watch shows etc

You just need to massively relax, and tell.her no.

I was thinking that, if what DD wants is company and reassurance, could you get a dog? This would also provide activity - a dog will soon tell you when it wants to play or go for a walk and can be a loyal and comforting companion.

Exactly this - it actually starts from when they are babies. If they are happy stacking blocks, playing with their toys or watching cbeebies, just let them get on with it and they dont need to be watched every second (if they are in a safe place ofcourse and checked on regularly). Parents can do plenty of interaction in a day, but children also need to learn to entertain themselves for periods of time. Adults have to work, run a home, keep on top of the washing, cooking (plus their own friends/hobbies) and a million other things. It’s ok to let children know from as early as possible that these things have to be done. They wont have constant attention at nursery/pre school and there wont always be a staff member or another child free to play with them. A child learning to entertain themselves really is so important.

Also get your husband and you to book a day off Work together. She will be at school and you can actually spend some time together

Does the 2 hour device time include tv ? Does this include weekends as well? I mean unfortunately kids now spend their lives online but this doesn't have to be all bad. There are useful things online and it's how they socialise now like it or not. 2 hours limit for a 14 year old I don't think is usual at all.

I have to say I agree with this. It's immature attention seeking IMO, but I'm sure very common in children who were ill when young. She needs to learn that you do not exist for her and you and DH are individuals with your own lives. This will be a difficult lesson for her but I think its very important she learns it soon. Your MH and relationship will suffer and you could lose your temper and say something that might be much more damaging. She is old enough to understand that sometimes you dont want to talk to her and need a break. My 10 Yr old understands that. She can understand that you and DH have a relationship independent of her. I think this needs to be made very clear but in a sensitive way. The constant asking about things simply needs to stop, it's very inappropriate. Interesting that some say its ADHD but even so, by 14 she would need to learn this is not OK.

The issue is that OP is exhausted and feeling miserable and it shouldn't have to be like this.

I hope not as IME there's a huge difference between 12 and 14.

12 our were still round us a lot - by 14 much much less so - for both sexes.

It amazes me these days how many teenagers/young adults are in fact unable to amuse themselves.

I'm pretty sure most of them can, you just hear about the ones that can't or won't. The OPs DD seems like a particularly extreme case.

I remember being very pleased when I read that it's quite good for kids to have time in their schedules to get bored in, because that's when they can develop their own interests. My DD (who has turned out pretty well) pretty soon learned not to whine to me that she was bored as she was liable to be met with a cheerful 'Good! That means you've got time to think of something interesting to do or read'. Of course we did do lots of things together (we had a shared active hobby during her teens), they were a mutual pleasure.

She's abusive?

At 11-13 was when mine started going out into the world themselves with friends - into town - to next town - being sent to corner shop across duel carriageway we have at end of street - pared with programming/reading painting craft stuff they could do themselves - needing less and less adult input older they were - being left in house while we were out.

So 14 would be late to have these skills - 12 would expect could entertain themselves in house by may still want to be around parents sometimes but may not be used to venturing out themselves that's more individual time frame and area and social group norms.

I think my point was that it sounds like the same child - as in identical story / issues - and the OP reads like they have only one child.

🤷‍♀️

Did she play independently as a younger child? Was she ever allowed to just be bored and have to figure out her own fun? I think this is a product of a generation of parents who feel like they have to entertain their children constantly with days out and activities at home and a host of extracurriculars. When we were kids, about 80% of the time our parents were busy and we just had to get on with it and find something to do. I try to do the same with my kids - I’m a mum not a kids entertainer.

My DD is only 6 and when I'm busy, I expect her to amuse herself with very little input from me for at least a couple of hours. You absolutely can and should expect more from a 14 year old, and your lives shouldn't revolve around her to such an extent.

As she’s 14, plan a day out for just you and DH, leave her at home to figure out what she’s going to do with herself!