My health anxiety is making me suicidal

[BeingmummyIsTheBestxo]

I've had health anxiety and general anxiety, Intrusive thoughts for as long as I am remember. I am diagnosed with GAD and OCD which revolves around my health and indeed my own mortality. I have therapy every week to try and combat this. I am prescribed medication which I just cannot bring myself to take due to intense fear of adverse effects. Iv diagnos d myself with many things over the years from brain rumours to epilepsy to heart problems and many many more. I spend my days avoiding being in the house by myself, avoiding being at home alone with my toddler due to fear of something bad happening. Mainly terrified I'll just drop dead at any moment.. I cannot get these thoughts out of my head. It is constant. It is exhausting. My DH has just about had enough of me and my avoidance behaviour, my irrational beliefs and thoughts, my irritability mainly due to being mentally exhausted. I feel like a terrible mother to my toddler.. I love him so much and my anxieties revolve around something happening to me and him being with out me. Recently, I've not been able to focus on anything other than my anxiety and my thoughts of dying suddenly and about my health. I always feel physically sick, shakey, racing thoughts, achey, heart racing, heart palpitations, fatigued. I've spiralled into a thought process of what's the point, I feel like I can't fight this anymore, I'm so miserable and exhausted, and I just think at least if I'm dead I won't have to live like this, I'll do everyone in my life a favour by just ending it all. I have never made plans they are just thoughts. How can I be thinking like this when I'm so terrified of being sick or death? It feels cruel to me that these are the main things that fuel my anxiety yet I'm sitting here thinking maybe I should just do it and stop prolonging the inevitable. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve from this post. I just feel so alone. And feel that by keeping this all to myself I'm saving everybody else's feelings and saving. Myself the guilt and shame of being like this.

I'm no expert but medication can be a life saver, so please think again and start taking it. Everything in life has side effects, we have to accept that.
Have you tried samaritans? They are well thought of and can offer a listening ear.
Good luck and I'm sure someone more knowledgeable will be here soon.

Sorry to hear this it sounds relentless.

Have you had any trauma in your childhood? A symptom of that can be anxiety even if it's nothing to do with the trauma itself.

How's your therapy going?

I did have a very traumatic and neglectful upbringing and we have established that this is most likely where my anxiety comes from. Although we don't seem to making any progress with the coping mechanisms they have been helping me with. I've had three rounds of intensive CBT and more recently exposure therapy but I've made zero progress and IAPT don't really know what to do with me anymore. My GP will not refer me to CMHT unless I am actively planning to end it or I develop a more severe mental health crisis. Although I feel on the verge of a breakdown.

I’m so sorry you feel like this, health anxiety is absolutely crippling. Please visit your GP and tell them you are having suicidal thoughts and take the medication they offer, it could turn your life around, surely it’s worth trying so your toddler keeps his mum.

I was like this a few years ago. Exactly how you describe - I'd had a blood clot go into my lung. It was mild and I came out of it fine but I was absolutely terrified of it happening again. I wouldn't be alone with my son etc like you say. I also have OCD

I took sertraline - I'm still on it now and I'm fine carrying on my life as normal doing all normal things - please try it - it was bad getting onto it and you'll need some support but with 2-3 weeks I was in such a better place.

Lots of love as it's such an awful thing to live with - your little one needs you

Thank you. It sounds silly but I have been offered sertraline and citalopram, beta blockers and diazepam. They are all in my cupboard under lock and key untouched. I know I must try the medications but my brain just tells me no. It's dangerous. Side effects. I'm particularly worried about my heart, which I read if you have heart issues you should not take these medications. (I've been checked and told my heart is fine, just ectopic beats) but my brain just will not shake it and acts like it's danger. I really really just want to o take them and feel better but I just can't. I have tried and the thought of it causes me so much distress. My throat close s up and I can't breathe, my heart races and I feel generally awful for hours.

If you can afford private therapy try a somatic therapist. They are great with health anxiety. Your trauma needs to be treated.

Treating the anxiety is. Just treating the symptom rather than the underlying cause so it will always come back.

If anti depressants helps you engage in therapy then they are worth it. But they are unlikely to help on the long run. Obviously if they help you not to have dark thoughts then they are totally worth it.

OK, op I have been where you are (and still struggle some days)

I made a decision that I absolutely HAD to be there for my children wether I liked it or not.

I too was terrified of taking the medication. I made myself in the end. I made a bargain with myself and cut the tablets in half and said to myself I would just take one half and if it was terrible I needn't take another.

It wasn't terrible. I made the same bargain the next day and so on.

I got a gippy tummy, they made me really tired and I felt nauseaus but I could cope. I made myself keep going.

On day 18 I woke up suddenly feeling an awful lot better.

I took propranolol to help with the panic attacks too for the first couple of weeks. I found those fantastic for keeping my heart rate steady and therefore the panic attack didn't escalate.

Please please try the meds. Your little one needs you. I'm due to take mine at 9.30. We can do it together if you like ❤️

Look, here I go. One teeny tiny little miracle pill down the hatch ❤️

Oh I really wish I could

Myladythekingsmother
Is that sertraline? I take them and they are a miracle pill

You really can. I promise you it will be OK

Tis indeed 😊

Op
Good advice from MyLadyTheKingsMother.
Please give them a chance.
I wouldn't take mine for years, but just felt so low and was struggling so much, I just thought "what have I got to lose?"

You deserve to feel better @BeingmummyIsTheBestxo you deserve to enjoy life. You are worth it. You can do it. I believe in you.

You are not alone here. I am going through the exact same thing.
I have horrific health anxiety, I've not spoken to anybody (professionally) about it.
Whilst I'm not quite suicidal, I do often think, what is the point in life, if I'm constantly fearing my own imminent death.
I would not wish health anxiety on my worst enemy. It is so so awful, and I really sympathise with you. 🩷

What side effects are you scared of op? What are your specific worries around taking medication?

A lot of what you said resonates with me OP. It’s a very difficult way to live and my fears were exhausting and I felt like I was scared all day, every day. It was unbearable and it felt like the anxiety had completely taken over my life.

After eventually seeing a doctor I did start beta blockers (only a small dose) and they made a huge difference. My GP did suggest anti-depressants initially but I told him that I wasn’t depressed, just extremely anxious all the time, and so beta blockers were prescribed.

I do still have the odd moment of panic, maybe one or two brief episodes a week now, but nothing that I can’t cope with.

I worry that it will cause long standing health issues, especially with my heart as I read about SSRIs causing heart problems and sudden cardiac events in some people. I know these are rare effects but my brain convinced me I will be that person.

I think id my episodes were brief and fleeting it would be more manageable but it's consumes me. I think of nothing else all day every day and my life revolves around it. Avoiding things or just limiting me life, simple things like not trying new foods, or going unfamiliar places. Due to thinking th worst.

Apologies, looking back your posts I see this stems from your upbringing.

And that’s how I used to be before medication.

When I was first prescribed my beta blockers I was absolutely terrified to take them (down to my anxiety) but I hit the point where I knew I couldn’t continue to live my life the way I was. I wasn’t living, I wasn’t enjoying life, I wasn’t making the most of my family and children or anything, I just lived in fear every day, isolating myself from the world. Nobody can keep living that way.

The first time I took the medication I was so scared but after twenty minutes or so my anxiety just went, I felt immune to it. It was almost like a wave of calmness just completely enveloped me. It was really strange and I thought to myself, “Is this what it feels like to feel normal?”

I take a dose in the morning and a dose in the evening, but I am allowed to take a one-off dose if I need to in between those doses if I feel an anxiety attack is brewing.

Beta blockers are very fast acting so if I do feel a wave of spiralling anxiety I will just take a tablet, focus on deep breathing and staying calm, and usually within 20-30 minutes I feel fine again.

I have been on them for about 2.5 years now and life is so much better - and obviously they haven’t caused me any harm 👍

Personally, I think everyone eventually reaches the point of knowing that taking medication is the only way to stop the hell, so you just need to choose whether to wait for that point, or whether to save yourself months more of living like this and just start taking them now.

How are you feeling this morning @BeingmummyIsTheBestxo?

I also was terrified of taking the citalopram the GP prescribed for me. They stayed in my drawer for three months. Then I thought this is daft; I need to try. OP they’ve changed my life. Do give them a go. If you find they dont agree with you there are alternative anti depressants. It’s so worth it x

If you did get referred to the CMHT what do you think they would do? They would want you to take an SSRI. You are not going to get better at this point after multiple rounds of therapy unless you take the pills. Sertraline is completely cardiac safe anyway it's citalopram that rarely can cause an issue. It will be really hard. You will feel worse before you feel better and you will want to give up but if you took the sertraline consistently for a month you would feel better. Your other choice is to carry on like this. You have to make yourself do it.