My health anxiety is making me suicidal

[BeingmummyIsTheBestxo]

I've had health anxiety and general anxiety, Intrusive thoughts for as long as I am remember. I am diagnosed with GAD and OCD which revolves around my health and indeed my own mortality. I have therapy every week to try and combat this. I am prescribed medication which I just cannot bring myself to take due to intense fear of adverse effects. Iv diagnos d myself with many things over the years from brain rumours to epilepsy to heart problems and many many more. I spend my days avoiding being in the house by myself, avoiding being at home alone with my toddler due to fear of something bad happening. Mainly terrified I'll just drop dead at any moment.. I cannot get these thoughts out of my head. It is constant. It is exhausting. My DH has just about had enough of me and my avoidance behaviour, my irrational beliefs and thoughts, my irritability mainly due to being mentally exhausted. I feel like a terrible mother to my toddler.. I love him so much and my anxieties revolve around something happening to me and him being with out me. Recently, I've not been able to focus on anything other than my anxiety and my thoughts of dying suddenly and about my health. I always feel physically sick, shakey, racing thoughts, achey, heart racing, heart palpitations, fatigued. I've spiralled into a thought process of what's the point, I feel like I can't fight this anymore, I'm so miserable and exhausted, and I just think at least if I'm dead I won't have to live like this, I'll do everyone in my life a favour by just ending it all. I have never made plans they are just thoughts. How can I be thinking like this when I'm so terrified of being sick or death? It feels cruel to me that these are the main things that fuel my anxiety yet I'm sitting here thinking maybe I should just do it and stop prolonging the inevitable. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve from this post. I just feel so alone. And feel that by keeping this all to myself I'm saving everybody else's feelings and saving. Myself the guilt and shame of being like this.

OP I have it too, mine stems from emergency surgery from something rare a few years back, I'm better now but do have some real ongoing problems from it, however the anxiety goes to other things too.

I'm on fluoxetine and worry about the heart thing too, also a bleeding issues as it can thin the blood which worries me.

I do seek reassurance from the GP at times but trying not to as they are busy. I've also got private cover now with a GP covered but thus means I can get everything checked out which in itself is quite stressful as reminds me of traumatic times in hospital.

I've had more than one life saving surgery and think I might have a bit of medical PTSD, have been diagnosed with acute stress reaction at the time.

It's difficult.

Do you know anyone, or was there someone in your past, who had an adverse reaction to medication (not necessarily any of the stuff you've been prescribed)?

I ask because of this know I must try the medications but my brain just tells me no. Your brain (your mind) is saying this for a reason. You weren't born with a fear of medicines so it's been learnt somewhere along the line. How are you with painkillers, cold remedies or other medicines?

I feel absolutely terrible. I'm riddled with anxiety, I feel dizzy, sick today stomach, I feel like I can't get any air at all and just feel completely fatigued and horrible. I know it's likely anxiety but my brain is in overdrive. I just feel so weak and useless.

Not particularly.. I won't take cold remedies at all. And I only take paracetamol and ibruprofen if absolutely necessary. I would rather be in immense pain then tak any tablets or painkillers. Same goes for herbal remedies, I'm even funny with some foods.

I don't know if it will help but this is a fascinating video about what exactly goes on in your body when your stress levels explode;

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@BeingmummyIsTheBestxo Honestly my health anxiety (made worse by changes due to the menopause but I don’t know that was the cause) was so bad I was living like a 90 year old. Just resting on the bed all day. Shower. Clean nightie. Back on the bed. Because of the anti depressants (and some easy to obtain HRT cream) I’m just getting ready to go out to celebrate my DH’s bday and am off to the Caribbean in a few weeks. Unthinkable before the citalopram. Do give it a go xx

I'm sorry to hear your feeling so bad, do you think you could get out for some fresh air today? A little walk around the block?

I'm going at 1pm if you'd like to join me?

Litterally if you like if your local to me, where abouts are you op?

💐 sending you lots of positive thoughts and willing you to get through this. It sounds horrific.
It sounds like you have what may be a “break through miracle pill” f
sitting in your cupboard but you can’t bring yourself to take it?
Can you consider flipping your negative thoughts about the meds … how much worse can they make you feel than you already do?… not much by the sound of it 🥺 but they MAY, just may make you feel so much better?
I’d say that’s worth the risk wouldn’t you?
You can do it 💪🏻💐

….. to add …. The Speakmans may be able to help you? It sounds like an extreme case
https://www.nikandeva.com/
Good luck

That’s kind x

Just checking in @BeingmummyIsTheBestxo your not alone. ❤️

How's your day going?

I have been where you are but I am not there now...there absolutely IS a way out. I too was terrified of meds because of potential side effects. I did a CBT course but couldn't put it into practice because I was in that thought loop. I ended up seeing a medical herbalist (who was also a medically trained NHS mental health nurse) and getting meds to calm my adrenal glands. I calmed enough to be able to use the CBT strategies. Every time I had the thoughts I would interrupt with "but Im ok today". I must have done it a thousand times but gradually my brain and body accepted that as truth and Im ok. All any of us are guaranteed is this moment and you are ok today.

Gently OP - if you're at the point that you're considering suicide - how can you not try the tablets first? What do you have to lose?
I don't mean to sound harsh here, honestly, but when you think.about it like that it doesn't make any sense.
Please try them. They are life changing. One day you'll look back and wish you hadn't waited so long.

If you can commit to a couple of weeks of taking the meds, I think you'll find them a massive help. I know it's easier said than done.

@BeingmummyIsTheBestxo

Just checking in, how's your day?

Tha k you so much for checking in. Iv had a horrible day really. Very anxious. Me and DP argued last night and he said some very hurtful things about my anxiety. I've also done something to my wrist, it's extremely painful and radiating up my arm so my anxious brain is telling me it's serving deadly. All in all it's not been great. Thank you so much for thinking of me.

Surely OP you must see that trying medication is better than living like this? ☹️

I will be here to check in every day with you if you like.

I'm sorry to hear about the argument with your hudband. Are things usually good with him? It can be really hard watching someone you love very much suffer in the way poor mental health can make you suffer.

What happened to your wrist?

Taking my meds at 9.30 again tonight if you felt like giving it a go ❤️

Things are good and miss with him tbh. He's not supportive as just doesn't get it. He's says I'm selfish for being like I am and in a way I suppose I am. I wish I could try but it's been a big day for me in the sense that iv actually been taking pain meds for my wrist which I would never normally do. I would usually just b in pain and suffer but th pain is bad!
Thank you so much fo checking in with me, its much appreciated.

Read some of Claire Weekes books about anxiety. There are some videos of her talking on YouTube too. Her methods massively helped my anxiety. I also do meditation which helps you learn to control your mind and stop that spiral into anxiety, nip it in the bud at the first wobble and don’t let it carry you away.

Bloody well done!

Baby steps op, just keep moving forwards.

Its is difficult but not impossible to overcome.

I found once my head was more stable on meds I could engage with therapy better. I had 6 sessions through work and am looking for a private therapist to continue the work I need to do.

I worked out that one of the reasons I worry so much about my health is because I was not taking care of myself at all.

Since August last year (when things got really bad and I ended with starting sertraline) I've been working on getting myself to a place where I can bring myself to care about myself more and start looking after myself.

I started with getting my overdue smear done and eliminating caffeine from my diet. (decaf LaVazza coffee beans are lovely, for anyone who wants a tip 😊)

Then drinking more water and staying hydrated

Now I'm working on getting myself moving and eating less fat. I did a 20 minute workout via the fitbit app today and yesterday did 5000 steps around my local park.

Small, sustainable things.

You've had a breakthrough today, be proud that your taking care of your needs by taking painkillers for your wrist.

Have you sprained it somehow?

I have no idea how I've done it. It just suddenly started hurting last night and then today whilst getting DS dressed it was agony. It's spread up my arm now and it's so sore. Almost feels like something is trapped. But the pain is unreal.

I'm anxious even about taking ibruprofen but I couldn't stand the pain anymore.. I've started trying to take more care of myself. I'm extremely overweight so have been trying to loser weight and make lifestyle changes. I started 3rd week of Jan and have lost 11.5lbs. so hopefully I'm on my way to a healthier me and I fee like of I can get healthier and fitter then hopefully I will feel better in myself especially with my physical symptoms and I can start to hopefully alleviate some of this anxiety surrounding my health.

11.5lb! What a brilliant achievement ❤️

Do you work? I wfh at a desk all day and get RSI from time to time in my right wrist, arm and thumb. That pain radiates like a hot rod stuck in my elbow.

Hi OP @BeingmummyIsTheBestxo
Im sorry for what you are experiencing.
Health anxiety is horrid.

My thoughts are that your nervous system has gotten so dysregulated over the years you can’t think rationally about health and make balanced decisions (such as whether to take the meds).

If you really can’t start by taking a pill, I’d work on calming your nervous system first and getting yourself out of fight or flight mode. There are many ways to do this but I’d recommend learning some EFT (emotional freedom techniques). It’s very easy and simple and takes very little time. You can find a therapist that specializes in EFT and have a couple of sessions to learn it then do it at home by yourself or you can watch and copy free videos on YouTube such as Brad Yates. Talking therapy can sometimes make anxiety worse so maybe you need to look into something body based like this.

Good luck x

If you were referred to the (CMHT), they would likely conduct an assessment to better understand your mental health concerns and needs. Depending on your symptoms and the assessment results, they might recommend various treatment options, which could include therapy, medication, or a combination of both. If they suggest taking a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI), it's because these medications are commonly used to treat conditions like depression, anxiety disorders, and certain other mental health issues. However, any decision regarding medication should be made in consultation with a qualified healthcare professional, taking into account your individual circumstances, preferences, and potential risks and benefits.