My health anxiety is making me suicidal

[BeingmummyIsTheBestxo]

I've had health anxiety and general anxiety, Intrusive thoughts for as long as I am remember. I am diagnosed with GAD and OCD which revolves around my health and indeed my own mortality. I have therapy every week to try and combat this. I am prescribed medication which I just cannot bring myself to take due to intense fear of adverse effects. Iv diagnos d myself with many things over the years from brain rumours to epilepsy to heart problems and many many more. I spend my days avoiding being in the house by myself, avoiding being at home alone with my toddler due to fear of something bad happening. Mainly terrified I'll just drop dead at any moment.. I cannot get these thoughts out of my head. It is constant. It is exhausting. My DH has just about had enough of me and my avoidance behaviour, my irrational beliefs and thoughts, my irritability mainly due to being mentally exhausted. I feel like a terrible mother to my toddler.. I love him so much and my anxieties revolve around something happening to me and him being with out me. Recently, I've not been able to focus on anything other than my anxiety and my thoughts of dying suddenly and about my health. I always feel physically sick, shakey, racing thoughts, achey, heart racing, heart palpitations, fatigued. I've spiralled into a thought process of what's the point, I feel like I can't fight this anymore, I'm so miserable and exhausted, and I just think at least if I'm dead I won't have to live like this, I'll do everyone in my life a favour by just ending it all. I have never made plans they are just thoughts. How can I be thinking like this when I'm so terrified of being sick or death? It feels cruel to me that these are the main things that fuel my anxiety yet I'm sitting here thinking maybe I should just do it and stop prolonging the inevitable. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve from this post. I just feel so alone. And feel that by keeping this all to myself I'm saving everybody else's feelings and saving. Myself the guilt and shame of being like this.

@BeingmummyIsTheBestxo

Afternoon from Bolsover Castle! Clearly used for sex parties by the Duke of Cavendish in the Stuart era 🤣

It's nice though and gets us out in the fresh air. What's in your agenda today?

Haha no way. I live not far from there 🤣 we are visiting my SIL today but honestly I'm already shattered 🤣

Small world, I'm only 30 minutes away myself 😁

Had a nice few hours and now back home to get the tea bubbling away and play some sims 🤣

@BeingmummyIsTheBestxo

WELL!

We went for a walk as a family at 11.30am. Got lost, got stuck in the muddiest water logged fields known to man and got home at 3.30!

I am absolutely knackered 😂 didn't fall over though 💪

How bout you?

I was up a million times in the night with my DS, projectile.vomotimg, spent.the night changing him and his bedding.. he seems okay today though. So strange! It was pretty grim. So we've had a quiet lazy day today. Left him with DP while I went walked to the shops, fine my housework and cleaned DS sicky bed and room. About to start preparing veg for our tea.. it's been an okay day today. Fighting that niggle in my brain of "oh god your going to get sick".
Sounds like you've had a lovely day 😂 lit your feet up for the rest of the eve!

Hey, @BeingmummyIsTheBestxo it's been a few days. Hope little one is feeling better now 😊

Works been busy so not really had time to sit and mumsnet.

How you getting on? How did the Dr's go

Fighting that niggle in my brain of "oh god your going to get sick".

When and if you get that niggle again just say "Thanks, I know it's possible and it might be a nuisance but I'll cope, just like I always do. Don't worry, I've got this" You may well find the niggle goes quiet because you've given it the reassurance it's looking for. It works, I promise. 😊

Hiya,

Little one is still a bit under he weather..no more sick but it's the other end now!! Constantly! He's not eating much but seems well in himself aside from the poor appetite and frequent changes. Iv had the most horrendous stomach pain for two days but no other symptoms. So odd. I'm thinking possibly a bug in our house. Docs was okay, had some.blood tests, presibed some anti DS but not mainly fory.anxowty but my fibromyalgia, apparently there is evidence they can h useful. So doc said we will hopefully kill two birds with one stone so to speak. However I've yet to pick them up from the pharmacy. I'm not a.good tablet taker.
Hady weekly therapy and today, my therapist is not impressed and said I'm.not making any progress and she's not sure where to go with me now so we will see.
Sorry you've been busy.. work can be like that sometimes can't it. I've not been on MN much either. Hope you are well.

Yes I do id alot..sometimes it works other times is much less effective.

I’ve had similar thoughts when my anxiety peaked, and it felt like I couldn’t come up for air. One thing that helped was reaching out for help even when it felt pointless. If you're in the U.S., the florida crisis line is a place you can call—just talking to someone who gets how overwhelming it feels helped me hold on during the worst days. You don’t have to do this alone.