My health anxiety is making me suicidal

[BeingmummyIsTheBestxo]

I've had health anxiety and general anxiety, Intrusive thoughts for as long as I am remember. I am diagnosed with GAD and OCD which revolves around my health and indeed my own mortality. I have therapy every week to try and combat this. I am prescribed medication which I just cannot bring myself to take due to intense fear of adverse effects. Iv diagnos d myself with many things over the years from brain rumours to epilepsy to heart problems and many many more. I spend my days avoiding being in the house by myself, avoiding being at home alone with my toddler due to fear of something bad happening. Mainly terrified I'll just drop dead at any moment.. I cannot get these thoughts out of my head. It is constant. It is exhausting. My DH has just about had enough of me and my avoidance behaviour, my irrational beliefs and thoughts, my irritability mainly due to being mentally exhausted. I feel like a terrible mother to my toddler.. I love him so much and my anxieties revolve around something happening to me and him being with out me. Recently, I've not been able to focus on anything other than my anxiety and my thoughts of dying suddenly and about my health. I always feel physically sick, shakey, racing thoughts, achey, heart racing, heart palpitations, fatigued. I've spiralled into a thought process of what's the point, I feel like I can't fight this anymore, I'm so miserable and exhausted, and I just think at least if I'm dead I won't have to live like this, I'll do everyone in my life a favour by just ending it all. I have never made plans they are just thoughts. How can I be thinking like this when I'm so terrified of being sick or death? It feels cruel to me that these are the main things that fuel my anxiety yet I'm sitting here thinking maybe I should just do it and stop prolonging the inevitable. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve from this post. I just feel so alone. And feel that by keeping this all to myself I'm saving everybody else's feelings and saving. Myself the guilt and shame of being like this.

I just can't focus long enough or hard enough to actually do it. I'm easily distracted and when I do get time on an evening when DS in bed I just can't get the focus or energy. I'm always absolutely exhausted. This is my fourth block of therapy and I feel like each time my mental health just declines even though it's supposed to help me.

Is your husband able to give you time in the day, take DS out for a bit? Or maybe a family member?

My DH is a lazy arse. He things cos he works full time and I don't that it makes him exempt from doing anything with DSor anything around the house. I darent ask him to do anything anymore b cause it gets turned around in me and made about my anxiety and how I "drain the life out of him" so now I just suffer in silence and try and do everything my self, it's less hassle than asking for help.

Let's think logically here- if you take the pills you might (an extremely small chance) suffer some side effects that you are afraid might kill you, but if you don't take them and you accept suicidal thoughts then that is potentially fatal too. You have to do it for your child. If you can't you need to go and see a GP again and explain the full situation.

You're exhausted by anxiety. You need the medication to give you the headspace to process whatever it is you're trying to process. Just go to the doctor's, get them to talk you through it. Make the decision for your child. Not you.

Taking it slightly off topic, don't you think you'd be less anxious without H? ( don't call him DH cause he's clearly not Dear)
I know that's a bit drastic but it must be horrible living with someone who gives no support. He sounds quite cruel about your anxieties too.

I often think about it quite a lot but something in me just can't bare us to be apart.

Why is that? Do you love him?

It sounds like the wrong type of therapy for you OP. Some talking theories can re-traumatize people.

I really recommend you look into something like EFT (emotional freedom technique) or EMDR (eye movement desensitisation reprogramming). You may have to pay privately though as not many are in the nhs sadly.

I do, he has lots of good qualities and we've been together a while. Although sometimes I do wonder if it's out of habit. And I do question my abilities and what my m natk state would be like if I were on my own. Me and DS rely on him for pretty much everything financially. Which is a worry for me. As of we split up we don't have no where to go and not financially stable. I worry that I would not cope with my anxiety. He is not very supportive but his physical presence when he is at home is comforting for me. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

No it does, like a safety net.

If he wants you to work on your symptoms then he needs to help you carve out the time though.

Yes ive tried to explain this but it's gst me no where and just causes arguments, usually ending with it all being my fault.

Nothing we say is going to help. You need to see your doctor and take medication. You also need to figure out your finances as you're in an extremely vulnerable position.

I cannot work. I'm actually a HCP but since I finished my maternity leave I went back to work briefly but could not do it anymore. I claim a disability benefit for which I get both enhanced rates due to my mental state and diagnosed ME. We don't get any other financial help as my DH earns too much to be in eligible. My finances are not my main problem right now.

Have you considered with everything your going through CBT for anxiety may not necessarily be right for you?

It sounds to me like your right to feel anxious about your health. Anxiety is a valid thing to feel with everything your dealing with.

My anxiety is triggered off the back of a lot of things that aren't necessarily directly related to health. Its just how it manefests.

My therapy is focusing on my resilience, so that I feel capable of dealing with all the shit that's been and will be thrown at me as I move through life.

Bloody hell. What a day. I took my DS to the park. He was running around and playing, I was close by may I add. An alder kid opened th gate and DS just legged it out the gate (there is a fast flowing stream) toward the stream. I never moved so quick in my life and I'm not very agile at all either! To say I shit my pants is an understatement. Full blown panic. I feel terrible. Lik a terrible horrible mother. It doesnt bare thinking about the hat could hav happened. Full blown panic mode. I don't go plav s b cause I'm so anxious of bad things happening and his just solidifies my worries. How can I reduce my fears by facing them if this happens!

It's happened to us all @BeingmummyIsTheBestxo cut yourself some slack. I once lost DS1 for a solid 30 minutes in Rhyl aquarium. That was a nightmare day!

Facing your fears is hard. Being out of your home means your no longer in control. Look at the positives and not the 'what ifs'

You managed to get out to the park
You dealt with a stressful situation and DS is safe
You got to him in time and nothing bad happened.

Yes I know I'm grateful but now I'm worrying about nevt time and things that haven't happened yet

That's what anxiety does to us. It tells us lies and makes up frightening scenarios to trap us in our heads.

When you get a bad thought tell that mother fucker NOTHING BAD HAPPENED and everyone is safe.

Thank you. Thank you so much for your support. It really means a lot to me.

How long will it be before my nearly 2 yo has a sens of danger lol he thought it was all a game and just went running for it 🫣

Ha yeah the little buggers just run off laughing. DS1 was hidden behind a statue of a sealion the entire time. The aquarium had locked the front doors, stopped the sealion show, staff everywhere looking and I'm screaming his name like a mad woman.

Pops his head around just as the manager said he was calling the police with a massive grin on his face.

4 years old. Could have actually killed him. I was so relieved!

So, basically what I'm saying is, it could be a little while. Lol

How's your day going @BeingmummyIsTheBestxo? Been for an everywhere wax this morning 😳

So feeling a biiiiiiiit funny after winter hair hibernation 🤣

I've had quite a busy day! Managed to get like fo a walk and managed to do lots of.hkusewrok my house is sparkling. Which is a hat I like, I just very rarely have the time or energy, motivation to do so. Although now that I'm sat and getting DS ready to.eind down the anxious is settling in.. oh god. I don't do every where waxes lol much to wimpy for that. Lol x

It was quite something after 3 months off I can tell ya 😂😂

Wonderful to hear you've had a cracking day 😊 well done ❤️

Try and keep a little busy this evening, anything you can think of to occupy your mind?