My health anxiety is making me suicidal

[BeingmummyIsTheBestxo]

I've had health anxiety and general anxiety, Intrusive thoughts for as long as I am remember. I am diagnosed with GAD and OCD which revolves around my health and indeed my own mortality. I have therapy every week to try and combat this. I am prescribed medication which I just cannot bring myself to take due to intense fear of adverse effects. Iv diagnos d myself with many things over the years from brain rumours to epilepsy to heart problems and many many more. I spend my days avoiding being in the house by myself, avoiding being at home alone with my toddler due to fear of something bad happening. Mainly terrified I'll just drop dead at any moment.. I cannot get these thoughts out of my head. It is constant. It is exhausting. My DH has just about had enough of me and my avoidance behaviour, my irrational beliefs and thoughts, my irritability mainly due to being mentally exhausted. I feel like a terrible mother to my toddler.. I love him so much and my anxieties revolve around something happening to me and him being with out me. Recently, I've not been able to focus on anything other than my anxiety and my thoughts of dying suddenly and about my health. I always feel physically sick, shakey, racing thoughts, achey, heart racing, heart palpitations, fatigued. I've spiralled into a thought process of what's the point, I feel like I can't fight this anymore, I'm so miserable and exhausted, and I just think at least if I'm dead I won't have to live like this, I'll do everyone in my life a favour by just ending it all. I have never made plans they are just thoughts. How can I be thinking like this when I'm so terrified of being sick or death? It feels cruel to me that these are the main things that fuel my anxiety yet I'm sitting here thinking maybe I should just do it and stop prolonging the inevitable. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve from this post. I just feel so alone. And feel that by keeping this all to myself I'm saving everybody else's feelings and saving. Myself the guilt and shame of being like this.

Christ I need to stop the googling too. Have decided I have many symptoms of hashimotos now 😔

Morning @BeingmummyIsTheBestxo

I have a walk planned today, going out about 12.

How about you?

Hi @MyLadyTheKingsMother I've not much planned. Taken DH to work around 12 and then it's just me and DS all day until DH comes.himw from work at 10 tonight. I already feel rough, riddled with anxiety and just light headed and horrible. I've got an house inspection today (rented) and I've been running around like a loon trying to make my house acceptable and tidy for when they come.. I just want I feel normal and not feel so ill all the time. It's good that you have some plans today to keep you busy and distracted. X x

@BeingmummyIsTheBestxo

We are expecting a call for a house inspection any time soon 😣

Landlords have changed agents and these ones are far more intrusive than the others that's for sure!

Next weekend we need to get the garden tidy and do a tip run, give the rabbits their quarterly full clean, paint our bedroom and do all the normal tidying stuff too. Not looking forward to it at all.

Don't even know what I want for tea today. Went to a friend's house yesterday and got spoilt so ended up overindulging 🤦🏼‍♀️

Feel a bit less wobbly today though so theirs that.

Try and find 15 minutes today (does little one nap?) to try something called 'progressive muscle relaxation' you can find a guided one on youtube pretty easily.

@BeingmummyIsTheBestxo the relaxation idea is good if you can find the time. Or listen to calming music. I hope your gp appointment goes well tomorrow. Do tell him exactly how you feel and your worries about the medication. It really is worth the leap. I had it in my drawer for months before I tried it. But do have some diazepam to take while the Sertraline or whatever they give you takes effect.

DS very rarely naps in the day. I my if we are in th car does he nap. He's 100 mph from the minute he gets up to the minute he goes to bed! Can be exhausted sometimes. I do try the progressive muscle relaxation sometimes when I'm in bed at night and I find it I can get myself in the zone that it is extremely effective but I find it hard to get that focus. I'm having a lazy night tonight and DS having nuggets, smileys and veg for tea and I'm on slimming world so chicken and veg it is for me. X

Oh god I remember the 100mph small children 😁 mine are 10 and 7 now and a bit less zoomy.

Maybe when little one is in bed run a bath and the relaxation then? Another good exercise is finding time to sit quietly for 10 minutes just letting the thoughts come and then go again if that makes sense. That could be doable in the bath. Just keep trying. Practice makes perfect ❤️

I had a spud with yoghurt coleslaw from aldi, half a chicken breast and a big salad. DH and the boys had beans and cheese.

What's your plans for tomorrow? I have work (booooo) and if the weather is good a walk.

Oh I'd love a bath! Sadly I had a loop excision last week so no baths for me for a couple weeks apparently! Usually a super hot bath is my go to, I find it just relaxed my body so much and in turn relaxed my mind. DH suggested taking DS to soft play tomorrow so if I can get my neighbour to come with with their children I might do it that tomorrow. I also have the GP app in the afternoon so hopefully I can fill some time. Had a late tea as DS wouldn't settle and I like to eat when he is in bed and settled when DH is on lates. Although I've been naughty and just atebsom chocolate and a biscuit. I doubt I will lose any weight this week!

Meh, sometimes you need a bit of chocolate and biscuit 😁

Ah no baths! That's a shame but it won't be long before you can be back having them I'm sure.

Just Googled loop excision op.

Are you sure that your health anxiety escalation at the moment isn't ENTIRELY justified? It's sounds like worrying about your heath right now is completely valid.

Iv be n anxious about my h although for well over 19 years, its more of a death phobia, I feel it revolves around the thought of just not existing. I've had a couple of heath scared the last year or so and it has definitely made things worse. Last week after my procedure I was massively triggered and feel it's been a downward spiral since they told me I had cin-3 and it would need to be removed. When I had the procedure, they ended up cutting more away then they initially thought because there had been visible changes since the biopsy.. then they couldn't stop the bleeding and I had to be taken to theatre. It was horrible. I kicked up a fuss because the thought of going to theatre out the fear of God into me. I also have gallstones and have been advised to have my gallbladder taken out (I've had this for 18 months) but I can't bring myself to have the surgery b cause I am terrified of being put to sleep and not waking up or having complications. The anxiety of al ays there but I find sometimes I can manage it and then other times I obsess for weeks and weeks over a trigger.

Lovely, I feel like what you've been through recently completely justifies how you've been feeling.

Anxiety is NORMAL. It's when we start to obcess (when theres no cause to) and it get in the way of everyday life that's it's a problem.

Our human brains can only cope with so much and the thought of not being here is so impossible to our minds it's natural for it to cause panic.

Yes, I do obsess over things ALOT. I know it's not normal. Even things that aren't rational.
I came home from taking DH to work this afternoon and id got in the house and set DS down to play and all of a sudden my hands started itching like really badly and they felt like they were burning. I couldn't figure out why because I hadn't touched anything. Then I started thinking well the inle thing I have touched is the door handle. What if someone has put something on my door handle and now it's on my hands and it's poisonous or something. Started to have a full blown panic and scrubbed my hands all afternoon.. needless to say they are fine now..🙄 it's things like this. I get the anxious thought and then it just spirals. I have been out and cleaned all my door handles and doors and switches since... I struggled to eat my tea (hence th binging on chocolate) because it was chicken and id overcooked it so it was dry and I suddenly just thought it god what if I choke and can't dislodge it. I'll die. So then I couldnt eat.

I'm aware I sound absolutely bat shit crazy 😂

You don't sound crazy to me, remember, I'm living it too, so if your crazy so am I! 😁

Oh it's just so exhausting isn't it

It is exhausting. Constantly picking up on the tiniest thing and stressing over it.

I keep freaking out that I have irreversible tinnitus in one ear and therefore some terrible disease, when I KNOW it's my dust allergy and nasal spray makes it better.

I have to laugh at myself sometimes or I would go mad.

Hows your day going @BeingmummyIsTheBestxo?

I’ve pulled or sprained a muscle in my neck/shoulder, leaning on it too much or sleeping awkwardly. No. It must be a tumour. Nothing can ever be just what it is.

The thing that persuaded me to take sertraline at my worst was my awareness of how my illness was impacting my children. I really didn't want them to have me "modelling" being unable to manage the slightest symptom without panic, not letting them go anywhere or do anything for fear "something" would happen or because I felt so awful.

Days 4-8 on sertraline were horrendous. Day 9 I felt better. They were incredibly helpful.

Do you have any idea how many people take SSRIs? They are a very safe, very common medicine.

Hiya. My day was going okay... I've put DS to bed and sat down to eat some spaghetti bol that I made earlier.. perhaps ate too much and my heart is going like the clappers.. likely because I've just had a big meal.. it's the only thing I've eaten since yesterday. Now the anxious thoughts are settling in for the night...how's you xx

Yes I worry that it will rub off my son. I once had a GP tell me that I needed to stop and take the medication (my gp knows I struggle to take meds) or else my son would be a nervous wreck by the time.he goes to school and he will be just like me. At the time I was criss because I thought she had been too harsh but the worse my anxiety and intrusive thoughts are getting the more I'm inclined to agree with that statement. Other than taking the meds though I can't see a way out of this anymore.

This.. I pulled a muscle in my neck and I was convinced it was a brain aneurysm. This was last week and it's been playing in my mind even though the pain is fine now. I obsess over every little thing.

I know I must try the medications but my brain just tells me no

Your own conscious thoughts are saying no

Your brain doesn't give a shit.

You're saying no

That's weird, I get that too. Must be an anxiety thing. If I feel overfull I get a bit panicky.

I'm doing good, not sleeping great last few nights. Got my first plane holiday in 15 years in October and starting to worry about that (not afraid of flying, so not sure whats up with me)

Planning on getting myself up and out for a walk first thing tomorrow as DH is on a late shift so will be in for the kids (half term here) we shall see if I can drag myself up.

How did the Dr's go?

I hate flying. Terrifies the life out of me.. my appointment was not with a proper GP ot was like an advance paramedic and he said he couldn't do much for me so made me another app for tomorrow morning with my own actual GP so that will be nice, I don't think I've ever actually seen them! We will see how it goes.. I also have my CBT tomorrow morning and I'm panicking about that because I have not done any of my "homework".. I feel like my therapist is getting frustrated because we just aren't getting anywhere.

CBT is all about practice. It will be hard at first but practice does work.

Why do you think you struggle with the homework? Do you get the peace and space to focus on it at home?

It's not about you anymore. Your child deserves a parent that can look after themselves. And that means taking the medication that can and will transform your life. Be brave, take the pills. I started sertraline and I woke the next day as if I was reborn. No more chest pain, no racing thoughts, no crippling panic, no feelings of constant doom.