Partner still using porn

[Lostandworthless]

Apologies I have NC for this post.
A few years ago I found out my partner was looking at porn. A lot.
We spoke. He gaslit me, called me fat and unattractive and said he didn't want to talk about it because he was embarrassed. Anyway, i had more to get out so I wrote a letter. He seemed to take it in and understand how hurt I was. I didn't reveal the true extent of just how hurt I was, i was in a very bad way, and while some people are ok with porn, I'm very much not. I was thinking some awfully dark thoughts but kept that close to my chest, however it was pretty clear how I felt.

We moved past it.
I was very depressed and had gained weight in LD. So I focused of myself. Lost weight, overcame depression (which I don't think he even noticed to be honest)
We were doing well. I forgot about it to some extent though my trust was shattered, I was trying to focus on moving on.
That was a couple of ys ago.

Got pregnant in Jan. Had a mc, all OK. Took it pragmatically. Pregnant again soon after.

I've had some awful symptoms but tried my best to eat well, balanced at least. Exercise when I can etc. I've not gained much, just the usual expected gains you get. Yet, I'm still very self conscious.
But last few months he's been behaving the same way he was before and avoiding intimacy. Staying up late, getting up late, busying himself on days off, being ill or injured or this or that hurts... anything to avoid any sort of romantic encounters beyond the usual small things he does. Inhave brought it upntonhim but he continues to not make an effort.

Thing is, while I love all the hugs, he even gave me a massage today, the "you're beautiful" comments, he's being lovely in all areas except sex and romance. it's clear he's masking his avoidance of me by being sweet in every other way.

I can't say how hard it's been having my body change, get big and uncomfortable, especially after he called me fat and ugly a few years ago (I brought it up once. He denied he said it!! Jesus, do men not realise comments like that, even if you get it are permanently ingrained in your brain. You never forget and it will always be with you) so saying I'm beautiful now, but not making a single effort to be intimate is really making me feel hurt, like intimacy is a chore and like I'm worthless.
It's a horrible feeling.

So months of little to no intimacy lately, I'm finding it hard to believe he's not been looking at porn again. I'm talking several sites, only fans, specific sites he's signed up to ... reddit, various other places....
So I took a look. And low and behold, not only has be betrayed me again, he was leaving COMMENTS on these sluts pages on reddit. (Despite claiming he wasn't talking to them)I'm now questioning whether he parted with money for his habit.

I'm beyond distraught. He knew it was a deal breaker for me yet he continued, behind my back. Leaving comments for christ sake. Comments. I can't get past that. It's way too personal.

God knows what else he's been doing that i don't know about.

But now I'm stuck. We have a mortgage together. I built the life we have, i put all the effort in to build us a lovely home. Give us a lovely life...I'm about to give birth. i thought we were on the same page. But clearly not.

Upping and leaving will be a big shock and I'll be stuck with a baby. I'm feeling really trapped.

I'm literally at that point again where I'm questioning why I'm even here. What is point of existing if all they do is lie to you. Why did I make all that effort to love and support him through all his bad moments. When he was ill, had operations, left his job when unhappy with no new job lined up (I obvs picked up financially) did my best to support him in every way. And for what. what do i get in return.

Him leaving comments on some redhead sluts pictures and videos like "utterly sensarional sight " and "this looks insanely hot. Wow" etc etc. After he knew my stance on porn he still looked into and left comments.
clearly I'm worthless to him.

I honestly wonder, as he's a sensitive person what he would feel if he found out I was doing the exact same as him. Ignoring him, using him to live a nice life and commenting on naked 19yr old boys videos and photos and flipping off to porn behind his back while Ignoring his needs.... lying to him, knowing to hi it was a form of emotional cheating and betrayal.
would he even care?

I wish life had an off switch.
I'd go in an instant. I really would.
But I need to face this reality and decide what I need to do. I havent confronted him yet. I honestly don't know how. Those comments were a year ago. But hes looked at things recently as well.
There's a lot to consider and honestly don't know where to start.
And on top of that i have another human life to be responsible for.

I don't even know why I've posted. I'm just so hurt and broken, my trust shattered.
I guess I just needed to vent somewhere to try processing what I need to do next.

So sorry you are feeling this way OP! It is a horrible feeling not feeling good enough, my ExP had porn habit I didn’t see much problem at first our sex life was amazing, but then not so amazing would have sex about once a month if that, used to have to take Viagra, for what I don’t know it’s like he just couldn’t get hard or when he did he would last just about 1 minute. Used to make me think he didn’t find me attractive like I was the problem when really he was the problem porn can cause all these problems for men

Sorry OP you sound really stressed, overwhelmed and upset

It's wrong for him to continue when you asked him to stop

Its something that doesn't bother me but if you set your stall from the start he should respect that

I think calling the women sluts isn't nice though as they are just trying to make a living

You sound like your mental health is really suffering at the minute and hope you think about getting some support for this

Your hurt is radiating off the page

You need to have an honest conversation with him, because if porn really is your red line, then the two of you are not suited. He likes porn, he looks at porn, he won't stop. If it was only porn, that would be one thing, but the avoidance of intimacy, the horrible comments a year ago and now his little on-line chats are a step too far. I wouldn't cope with those either.

But you don't need him to validate your existence or to have a great life. You'll have your child and all the other things in life.

You need to think carefully about what you want to do.

Thank you.
I know its not nice. But im so upset and angry. I can't see beyond my feelings at this moment.
I know pregnancy hormones and all that but I'm beyond reason until I can calm myself down somehow.

He showed his true colours when he called you fat. Don't waste even more years on him.

That's it. They just don't seem to get that by looking at porn it does affect their own libido.
There's also been some research into how it negatively affects brains, too but I havent been able to find it again. Men themselves have admitted that their lives were better when they stopped. I wish I saved all those articles and posts now. But doubt it'll do any good anyway. They're so quick to blame us. I'm sort of struggling to decide how to approach it because I know when I say something he will make excuses and turn it onto me somehow and I'm not in a strong frame of mind to face that right now.

Apologies, I thought i was replying to specific commenters but they're just posted as a normal comments. I hope you can see where I've replied. I clearly need to go and calm down and rest.

He is the problem not you, it made me feel worthless and unattractive when really I am not and neither are you, I felt like I had to be like these people he watches online, it’s unattractive and cringey to think that a man can sit there and pay attention to the women online and not pay attention to his own woman, I ended up going completely off him he made me feel sick, I could just imagine him in the toilet of a morning with his phone while I’m just lay there in bed who he could’ve given some attention to but his brain is just so fixated on whatever it is he likes to watch, after a bit he would try it with me and I just wouldn’t be up for it but I’m glad he felt just how he made me felt unwanted

I would just really focus on you and DC leave him to do whatever he likes to do, or just tell him you find it disgusting how he can watch porn and these other women and not give you any attention, porn not a problem but commenting he mays well just go and cheat, he’s disgusting, give him a taste of his own medicine and show him no love or affection he will soon notice

Read the book - Leave A Cheater Gain A Life. The problem is with people , usually men, who are into porn is that they can easily lie and say they've stopped because it easily hidden. The other problem is that they don't see it as a problem. But you do. And I'm with you on that. Porn causes no end of distress to partners who cannot tolerate it and it causes erectile dysfunction though they would never admit it. I wish you peace and strength to do the best for yourself and your baby. You are stronger than you believe right now. Counselling could help. But not couple counselling. Go by yourself and use the time for you. You deserve to be cherished so start by cherishing yourself.

That's exactly how I feel too. Exactly. Amd thank you, I really appreciate your support

I've done that before.... not show him any affection. He didn't appear to notice. It made him stray more i think. Otherwise I totally would give him a taste of his own medicine.
Annoying thing is that he's a sensitive natured person yet doesn't always get it when he's not the one wronged. So it's frustrating having to explain it to him in such a way he will truly get the volume of hurt he's caused. Maybe I should have revealed just how dark my thoughts were that first conversation years ago, but I thought it might seem a bit like I was trying to emotionally manipulate him via guilt so only revealed enough to make a point.

I don’t want to say to leave him because it sounds like you have a life together but does he actually want to be with you? I’d just ask him this, DC would be happier if your happier and it might be a big change to finish things but why would you want to stay with someone that makes you feel so unhappy? Someone who doesn’t appreciate you and make you feel loved and everything you deserve to feel in a relationship, children involved or not you can’t stay in a relationship that makes you that unhappy when there is someone out there for everyone who will love you and treat you how you deserve, I don’t think those sort of people change I really don’t or they will for a bit and then go back to how they was, it’ll be a never ending cycle. I can imagine it is so hard for you

Are you afraid to hurt his feelings and tell him how it makes you feel and what you think? It’s probably not the same but that’s how I felt I always felt sorry for my ExP even though he was the problem and deserved his feelings hurt for once

This isn't the first time you've referred to women as sluts. It's vile, misogynistic language and you should do better.

Ditch the vile misogynist. Women really need to raise their standards otherwise these cretins think it's the norm

Just noticed you're referring to women as sluts. Shame on you

@Lostandworthless, your Partner showed you who he really is when he abused you by gaslighting and calling you fat and ugly after your discovering that he is a porn hound.

He caused much damage and corrosion. Although you poured your energy into moving forward, your ‘trust was shattered’ and you are still ‘very
self-conscious.’

As a recovery requirement, you told him that continued use of porn would be a dealbreaker, yet he shat all over that boundary, and even escalated to making sleazy comments to the women he perves over — this while you were being hugely supportive. I would consider this to be infidelity and a theft of my agency. Meanwhile, he has again withdrawn sexual intimacy, and you feel worthless.

That you believe he will respond to confrontation with contempt and manipulative blame-shifting speaks volumes. He is responsible for his disloyal, destructive choices.

He blew his second chance, and is not going to change,
@Lostandworthless. He has again stolen your peace of mind. You have incompatible values, and he cannot be trusted. This is such a toxic environment to bring a baby into.

You need to follow through on your dealbreaker. Be definitive and don’t give him the opportunity to manipulate and gaslight you.

P.S. Calling the women ‘sluts’ is misogynistic. Save your judgement for your disloyal Partner.

Women really need to raise their standards otherwise these cretins think it's the norm

You also need to raise your standards by not using a word like that.

The thing is if he's a porn addict he wouldn't be having sex with those women either even if he got a chance. His 'sex life' is just watching and fantasizing. So it's nothing to do with you or your attractiveness.

You mentioned reddit. There's many women on reddit who say they're very attractive women, and they'd do whatever their partner wants in bed, but he doesn't want real sex, he just wants to look at nudes on reddit or onlyfans.

It's pretty sad and pathetic. They don't want real life women to have sex with.

As others have said it's not nice to call those women sluts, and your anger shouldn't be directed at them. Some probably desperately need the money, others have a lot of trauma in their past. I know sex workers and a history of abuse is very common.

Maybe some are just exhibitionists or love the attention or feel sexually free. Would you call a man a 'slut' if he posted a naked picture on the internet?

I honestly wonder, as he's a sensitive person what he would feel if he found out I was doing the exact same as him. Ignoring him, using him to live a nice life and commenting on naked 19yr old boys videos and photos and flipping off to porn behind his back while Ignoring his needs.... lying to him, knowing to hi it was a form of emotional cheating and betrayal.
would he even care?

Honestly he'd probably think you were a slut.....because women are judged differently than men for the same behaviour.

There's also been some research into how it negatively affects brains, too but I havent been able to find it again. Men themselves have admitted that their lives were better when they stopped. I wish I saved all those articles and posts now. But doubt it'll do any good anyway. They're so quick to blame us. I'm sort of struggling to decide how to approach it because I know when I say something he will make excuses and turn it onto me somehow and I'm not in a strong frame of mind to face that right now.

It doesn't really matter how you approach it. Men only give this stuff up if they want to. You can try to plead, beg, reason, rationalize, cut them some slack by blaming the internet and easy access and painting it as an addiction they need support to recover from...............and they'll still only give up if they want to give it up.

He sounds pathetic. Please open your eyes and don't make the same mistake twice.

Fool me ....

I wish life had an off switch. I'd go in an instant. I really would.

OP, please get some help from a health professional. Tell them how helpless you feel. You are very vulnerable right now and you need support.

It’s not surprising you are desperately unhappy. Your partner sounds horrible. He is the problem, not you. But you need some sympathetic professional help through this difficult time.

Best wishes xx

I have never had a problem with any partner using non interactive porn (and I sometimes use it myself) but I would absolutely not be ok with only fans, leaving comments, (cam sites and cam sex which you haven't mentioned but crops up sometimes on here) etc.

It's all too interactive, personal etc. I know for the sex workers, it isn't personal - but the pretence on their part is that it is ... And the men are making it personal/interactive, or trying to.

As someone said above, it's porn hound behaviour - a level above just watching a bit of prerecorded non interactive porn.

So I think your feelings are completely understandable.

I also wonder if he's ever really going to stop given that you told him how uncomfortable you were with his porn use before, but he presumably pretended to stop and even escalated to this.

I also agree 100 % with the poster who said he showed his true colours when he blamed you/projected it onto you/gas lit you about your weight and looks. That was despicable. And not even the real reasons for him using porn. He uses it because he wants to/it suits him/he's got an issue with it.

You tried to lose weight and improve your mood and put the ultimate trust and investment into the relationship by getting pregnant by him; he appears to have done nothing in response; he just secretly kept on with his habit that upset you and seems to have gone even further with it

In retrospect it was obviously a mistake to stay with him and try to fix the things he blamed (which were very unlikely to be why he watches porn, comments on it etc).
That's obviously history now; all you can do is decide to leave or stay and decide when you'll do it, if you leave.

You hopefully won't be "left with a baby" full-time because he should (unless he's a truly useless bastard) have his child for some of the time

Now is a difficult time - to be splitting and trying to set up on your own financially and cope with 24 hr responsibility for a baby with the co parent in a different home (and if you breast feed there may be only very short periods he takes the baby) ..... The first year or two can be very demanding,very relentless etc.

It might be worth staying in person (if not in spirit) until you get through the first very demanding while with the baby. And it will give the opportunity to get your ducks in a row and consider how you're going to get set up. At least you won't have to manage a new financial and living situation on top of a new baby
It obviously depends if he pulls his weight.

If and when you do leave remember that you are entitled to child maintenance depending on how many over nights he has your child. Only over nights count.
If you qualify for UC due to your income/working hours; you'll get UC - accommodation and child parts, and 85% of child are paid up to about £1600 a month.

Cab are good at going through benefits etc.

because I know when I say something he will make excuses and turn it onto me somehow and I'm not in a strong frame of mind to face that right now.

Op he generally does not sound like a nice/good person.

He acts totally inappropriately in a relationship - only fans and commenting on porn sites/videos etc.

He blamed your weight and looks for his behaviour..... It was bullshit and that didn't need any proof but it has been proven anyway by the fact that he didn't stop even after you lost weight. (He'll probably say he stopped,then you got pregnant .... So are you going to spend your entire life trying to stay skinny and not have any more kids because he blames you not being svelte or non pregnant for him going on only fans and leaving comments on sex workers' Reddit videos etc.).

You can't even think about raising this - that he continued and escalated his porn use/interaction even after you made it clear how unhappy you were with it and even after you made the ultimate trust & investment gesture of having his child - without thinking he'll gas light you and turn it around on you and manipulative you.

Not a good person or partner.

I honestly wonder, as he's a sensitive person what he would feel if he found out I was doing the exact same as him. Ignoring him, using him to live a nice life and commenting on naked 19yr old boys videos and photos and flipping off to porn behind his back while Ignoring his needs.... lying to him, knowing to hi it was a form of emotional cheating and betrayal.
would he even care?

I think he would, like most men like this, be outraged/incensed/upset/angry/judgemental etc.

Most men like this are hypocrites and double standarded.
They also seriously lack empathy.

He's sensitive? Only towards himself, eh.