Apologies I have NC for this post.
A few years ago I found out my partner was looking at porn. A lot.
We spoke. He gaslit me, called me fat and unattractive and said he didn't want to talk about it because he was embarrassed. Anyway, i had more to get out so I wrote a letter. He seemed to take it in and understand how hurt I was. I didn't reveal the true extent of just how hurt I was, i was in a very bad way, and while some people are ok with porn, I'm very much not. I was thinking some awfully dark thoughts but kept that close to my chest, however it was pretty clear how I felt.
We moved past it.
I was very depressed and had gained weight in LD. So I focused of myself. Lost weight, overcame depression (which I don't think he even noticed to be honest)
We were doing well. I forgot about it to some extent though my trust was shattered, I was trying to focus on moving on.
That was a couple of ys ago.
Got pregnant in Jan. Had a mc, all OK. Took it pragmatically. Pregnant again soon after.
I've had some awful symptoms but tried my best to eat well, balanced at least. Exercise when I can etc. I've not gained much, just the usual expected gains you get. Yet, I'm still very self conscious.
But last few months he's been behaving the same way he was before and avoiding intimacy. Staying up late, getting up late, busying himself on days off, being ill or injured or this or that hurts... anything to avoid any sort of romantic encounters beyond the usual small things he does. Inhave brought it upntonhim but he continues to not make an effort.
Thing is, while I love all the hugs, he even gave me a massage today, the "you're beautiful" comments, he's being lovely in all areas except sex and romance. it's clear he's masking his avoidance of me by being sweet in every other way.
I can't say how hard it's been having my body change, get big and uncomfortable, especially after he called me fat and ugly a few years ago (I brought it up once. He denied he said it!! Jesus, do men not realise comments like that, even if you get it are permanently ingrained in your brain. You never forget and it will always be with you) so saying I'm beautiful now, but not making a single effort to be intimate is really making me feel hurt, like intimacy is a chore and like I'm worthless.
It's a horrible feeling.
So months of little to no intimacy lately, I'm finding it hard to believe he's not been looking at porn again. I'm talking several sites, only fans, specific sites he's signed up to ... reddit, various other places....
So I took a look. And low and behold, not only has be betrayed me again, he was leaving COMMENTS on these sluts pages on reddit. (Despite claiming he wasn't talking to them)I'm now questioning whether he parted with money for his habit.
I'm beyond distraught. He knew it was a deal breaker for me yet he continued, behind my back. Leaving comments for christ sake. Comments. I can't get past that. It's way too personal.
God knows what else he's been doing that i don't know about.
But now I'm stuck. We have a mortgage together. I built the life we have, i put all the effort in to build us a lovely home. Give us a lovely life...I'm about to give birth. i thought we were on the same page. But clearly not.
Upping and leaving will be a big shock and I'll be stuck with a baby. I'm feeling really trapped.
I'm literally at that point again where I'm questioning why I'm even here. What is point of existing if all they do is lie to you. Why did I make all that effort to love and support him through all his bad moments. When he was ill, had operations, left his job when unhappy with no new job lined up (I obvs picked up financially) did my best to support him in every way. And for what. what do i get in return.
Him leaving comments on some redhead sluts pictures and videos like "utterly sensarional sight " and "this looks insanely hot. Wow" etc etc. After he knew my stance on porn he still looked into and left comments.
clearly I'm worthless to him.
I honestly wonder, as he's a sensitive person what he would feel if he found out I was doing the exact same as him. Ignoring him, using him to live a nice life and commenting on naked 19yr old boys videos and photos and flipping off to porn behind his back while Ignoring his needs.... lying to him, knowing to hi it was a form of emotional cheating and betrayal.
would he even care?
I wish life had an off switch.
I'd go in an instant. I really would.
But I need to face this reality and decide what I need to do. I havent confronted him yet. I honestly don't know how. Those comments were a year ago. But hes looked at things recently as well.
There's a lot to consider and honestly don't know where to start.
And on top of that i have another human life to be responsible for.
I don't even know why I've posted. I'm just so hurt and broken, my trust shattered.
I guess I just needed to vent somewhere to try processing what I need to do next.