Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 7)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Goodness,seventh thread!
Welcome back to those who have been on board with me since the days DS was first struggling,and hello to new faces

This thread is for those who care for anxious teens.some of us have diagnosis of ASD/anxiety/depression,others are encountering and navigating escalating symptoms that are starting to prove troublesome

This is a safe,non judgemental space to share ideas,offload worries and provide support and kind words for those deep in the trenches

We get how utterly exhausting it can be and are not afraid to celebrate the small wins that in regular circles would be deemed as insignificant as participating in "normal activities"

@1spinforward2back Thank you so so much for talking me down and your clear concise, calm advice.
It has made me feel so much better.
I know I shouldn't let it get under my skin but it does!
TBH I may well have signed something when we first applied for EHCP in 2021- when I was hopeful and naïve.
Emails today were a bit of a shock-I didnt see that coming.
CAMHS only offered a block of online group therapy sessions back in 2021 and nothing else therapy wise since. Email confirms she is only on medication review with their service. Not sure if this is helpful or not!
I wish I had a solicitor I feel hopelessly out of my depth.

Im sorry you are going through tribunal too and that your LA have commissioned a barrister- that must be costing them a fortune, what a waste of public funds. Maybe LA think they need back up as you are a formidable opponent! Wishing you lots of luck.

@1spinforward2back
Sorry please may I bother you with one more question?
Re working document annotation- New wording I added in bold the LA have striked through as they don't agree with it.
Should they have done this? Key says bold strikethrough is parents proposed deletions- so according to Key it looks like I'm proposing to delete it rather than add it!
If they disagree with my proposed wording should it just be left in bold for tribunal to decide or can LA strike it through??
Key says LAs proposed deletions should be italic strikethrough.
I'm confused.
Really sorry to ask you, I have noone else to ask.

@Runnerduck34 you don’t have to apologise for asking!

The LA should not be striking through your proposed amendments in bold. The wording should remain as a proposed parental amendment unless the LA agree to the wording. You need to compare the previous WD version to the current version you have been sent to check all changes are correct and nothing else has been cut out or wrongly changed. If you haven’t been comparing the versions as you go along you may have to go back to v1 and work forwards.

LAs spend large sums of money defending indefensible cases. They will continue to do so while ever there are no serious repercussions. I knew the LA would instruct a barrister. They did for DS1’s appeal last year. Who then turned up 15 mins late to the hearing and conceded. Infuriating!

@1spinforward2back

Thank you so much.
Feeling overwhelmed and if Im honest a bit tearful.
Taking DD to an appointment this afternoon that takes half a day.
Have family coming round to Sunday lunch tomorrow and Monday I'm at work.
God knows how I'm going to get this done. Need to start thinking straight and get a move on.

@Runnerduck34
I hope things go well for you.
Fingers crossed for a positive outcome.
It's a lot of mental load to be handling along with the stresses of am unwell child.
Take care and hope someone does am act of kindness just for you today
Xx

@Runnerduck34 Deep breath. You can do this. Yes it will take time but it isn’t as time consuming as you imagine. You can compare word documents using Word. Review > Compare.

My DDs school are running a 3rd set of mocks. I've only just found out and I'm so annoyed! They did them last summer, in December and now are doing them again in March. Before the real ones a few weeks later! DD is massively underachieving (2s and 3s across the board) , stressed, disillusioned and has all but given up. She's not even attending school anymore. I'm wondering what the point is of her sitting them at all? All it does it confirm to her again that she can't do it. The pressure of the mocks before Xmas were a contributing factor in her mental illness and I just don't think she should be out through it again. What do you all think we should do?

@Theordinary
Oh these things are so hard! I feel for you.
Is your DD in a position to tell you what her preference is?
If not, it's simply not worth putting her through the stress.
Mocks are supposed to help them not hinder them.

We are in a similar position but less stress because its y12.
But all ucas related stuff kicking off at DD school and we have just been ignoring all emails and meetings quietly.
It's all about getting through each day without self harm or suicide attempt

@theordinary I am with you, we are also about to hit our 3rd set of mocks. It's madness especially as the way they push them makes them as stressful as the real thing. I agree that your dd's mental health comes first and that there is no point putting her through this.

Sorry to hear so many of you are having a hard time. We have been trying to keep things quiet and undemanding whilst still processing the pre-assessment report and waiting for a formal assessment. I can't believe the behavior of the LA and will be keeping my fingers crossed for you @Runnerduck34

@Theordinary if DD wants to try sitting the mocks I would let her, but I wouldn’t pressure her to do so. Education can always come later, right now DD’s MH has to be the priority.

Thank you
@1spinforward2back @DarkChocHolic @Okisenough

The tip of review - compare in word was brilliant!

@Okisenough @Theordinary
3 lots of mocks is madness.
I agree with spin.
If she wants to do them then let her but I wouldn't push it, and if she does I would be contacting school.
Given her MH, does she have any special arrangements for exams? Extra time, quiet room, prompter, reader , breaks , use of laptop?
My DD who has autism and anxiety has several of the above. Do ask senco.

@Runnerduck34apparently they are going to trial extra time (not sure how they'll trial it if she doesn't do mocks though)! She also has rest breaks, small exam hall and can wear loops. They will also sit her at the back of the hall so she doesn't feel like people are staring at her. She was becoming extremely paranoid a the last mocks and couldn't concentrate at all.
I really want to speak to the school before I talk to DD. I know they're not going to do her any good at all. They're just a pointless exercise in increasing her stress. She's doing well on the 10mg fluoxetine, I'm hoping they will increase the dose soon. She is still very anxious when we are going out of the house.

@Runnerduck34 in case you haven’t already seen it, 07.03 and 08.06-08.08 of the SEN noddy guide covers why therapies that educate or train belong in F (and the needs that mean they are required in B). Worth reading that and the linked case law if you have time before tomorrow.

apparently they are going to trial extra time

The deadline to apply for extra time is next month, so if the school is going to apply they need to do so soon. It needs to be the normal way of working so if it isn’t already in place the school will struggle to evidence the requirements.

First day of the holidays here. We’ve been out the last 2 days so thought we would have a quiet day at home.
She has been moaning and complaining non stop for the last 4 hours that she has nothing to do, she doesn’t want to be at home, she also doesn’t want to go anywhere, she doesn’t want to do school work, she doesn’t want to see anyone, she doesn’t want to do school work, she doesn’t want to make anything, watch anything …unfortunately it will probably be like this all week. It’s going to be a very long week.

We had DDs Adhd assessment today and she was diagnosed as having ADD.
The psychiatrist also said not to entertain any ideas of eupd that was suggested by camhs.
It still isn't an easy journey from now on but atleast it explains a lot of the challenges we have seen past few months.
The psychiatrist still thinks CAMHS is the best place for DD to offer a multi disciplinary treatment and is going to write to them and GP in detail.
I have no idea what support that will be to be honest but I feel validated today.
And utterly exhausted though I am sure my menopausal mind and body won't give me a decent sleep!

Hope everyone is doing OK.

Xx

@DarkChocHolic That must an immense relief to finally have some answers. How did your DD feel about the diagnosis? I guess now it's going to be a period of adjustment to get your heads around it.
@1spinforward2back thanks for the info about the access arrangements. I will have to check this with the school when they're back.
@MinionKevin you have my sympathies. It's a real nightmare when they're like that. I hope she gets a bit more enthusiasm for something tomorrow. Either way though, it's not your fault she feels that way. It's all part of the illness.
We've had DH's mental health appointment. He's come away with a cocktail of olanzepine, escitalopram and clonazepam! It's a bit daunting really as he's been so well for years before this on no meds. It just goes to show the strain all this has on the rest of the family (not that I'd ever let that be known) DD is up and down. Just when we think she's turned a corner she starts getting really stressed and anxious again. I think an increase in dose might be needed at some point for her fluoxetine as well. I'm the only one in the house not medicated at this point!

@MinionKevin
Hope half term picks up and it gets better!
@Darkchocholic
I'm pleased you've got answers and feel validated.
How does DD feel? It's such a long draining journey to get a diagnosis but it can still be a " shock" when you hear it. I hope she gets the support she needs.

Skip
Thank you for the noddy links you're a star.
I've had a busy day with appointments and now about to go through WD to do final prep..
Hopefully it will be over tomorrow and judge doesn't adjourn!

Zoo - how are you??
I hope everything's hoping well for you and your family x

Hi all,
wonder if you could share some words of wisdom for me.
Dd has social anxiety. She saw a therapist about 18 months ago and this was really successful in helping her to learn some coping strategies and challenge some of her beliefs about herself. She generally copes well most of the time with school, shopping trips but hasn’t spent time with friends out of school. I know this is something she really wants to do as she’s now 16 and which teen wants to spend all their time with their parents.
She goes out with us as a family and is fine- even going to busy pop concerts, gigs etc. she does show signs of anxiety during these times but we’ve learnt how to deal with it.
A good friend has invited her out for the day during half term and she’s already feeling really anxious about it. She said she doesn’t feel that the friend really wants her to go (I think I can 100% say this isn’t true and I’ve said this) and she’s worried about making small talk with the parents of her friend. I’ve tried reasoning with her and ultimately said she has to make the choice to go or not. I said we can come up with topics to talk about in the car and the activity will be structured so she won’t need to talk once they are there.
any wise words?

@Roodledoodle83
Sounds like you have lots of good strategies already.
I'm sure the parents won't be expecting her to make conversation, they will initiate it and conversation with her friend will hopefully flow easily- having topics of conversation up your sleeve or conversation starters is a good strategy you've given her.
My DD also likes to know whats happening when, mini timetable, when she'll be home, Where's she's going , what it is like, research it on internet, what she'll eat. To try and remove as much uncertainty as possible. Also a get out plan I.e if you phone me I'll pick you up.
I also sometimes probe why she thinks something.ie why does she think friend doesnt want to invite her? How true is that likely to be? Ie accepting her feelings and trying to rationilse it rather than just dismissing it.
Also building her up with lots of little positive reinforcements and praise throughout the day/ week to increase self esteem

Hopefully she will have a great time

@Roodledoodle83
You have had good advice already.
One thing that was suggested to me early on in this thread was keeping her outfit ready...washed , ironed etc so there is less stress about what to wear.
My DD struggl3s with body image so finding a suitable outfit is the biggest stress inducing point for her.

I hope your dd has a lovely time.
Remind her that it gets easier the more she does this and even adults can be anxious sometimes about social situations

Thank you for your responses.
she hasn’t been out with friends without us being ‘around’ since Covid hit so I presume that’s not helping- fear of the unfamiliar.
some great advice - much appreciated ❤️

@Runnerduck34 @Theordinary
Thank you for the kind words.
A lot to deal with in terms of accepting the diagnosis but equally relief for me.
As we went from 0 to 100 mph in terms of challenges for dd in a very short span of time, it certainly helps to know this could be one of the reasons.
DD isn't showing much emotion. I suspect anger, relief and worry.
The school issues and body image issues won't go away with this diagnosis
The challenges are very much still there.

Strangely I received a letter today from camhs stating dd has not met their threshold for adhd diagnosis.
We did the camhs forms much earlier on and they were snap iv I think.
All on paper and school barely filled anything worthwhile.
The private diagnosis used conners and an online test. I haven't seen the private forms filled by school as it was all online.
My worry now is whether camhs will accept the private diagnosis claiming we didn't meet their threshold .
I will have to put up a fight if thay happens but for now I will take it one day at a time.

Xx

@DarkChocHolic I hope camhs do accept the diagnosis. It's so tiring to have to battle for everything isn't it! There's different ways of assessing for ADHD as you say. I think my sons was the snap iv, which is what camhs sent me to fill out for my DD. Also QB test for my son, he was 8 or 9 at the time. When DD got her asd diagnosis in September last year her initial reaction was relief. She was happy to know there was a clear reason for her difficulties and keen for everyone to know. As the weeks went on the reality hit that her problems were the same regardless. Her best friend dumped her, school pressures built up and her social anxiety and body dysmorphia reached a peak leading to the current situation we're in. The psychiatrist explained that it's like an identity crisis and she needs to come to terms with it with time. Fluoxetine has helped loads already and we're all starting to have some hope.
Today she has gone into school to do art gcse work for a few hours and is meeting a friend afterwards. Yesterday she left the house without make up on which is a massive step forward. She's making progress but it's tentative and she's still fragile. I really hope that this is a starting point for your DD to come to terms with it and with time she will start to make steps forward too.
My DH is struggling. Not able to get out of bed yet due to the ridiculous amount of drugs his psychiatrist has started him on. I'm not sure how helpful that is to us right now!

@Theordinary
So glad your DD is taking little steps and the fluoxetine is helping.
I know what you mean about going out of the house with no make up on.
Whilst body image and make up is normal for teens, we can certainly tell when there is distress because of it.
DD has been mutilating her hair as she is so unhappy with it...even the hairdresser doesnt want to touch it.
she tried dyeing it red and had 3 go's at home herself past few days ...not worked to her expectations and we have dye stains everywhere.

I hope the meds work soon for your DH.
He has done this before so hopefully he knows the drill and cam turn around quicker this time.
Xx

Can I join please?
I have Ds (19) ASD, SEN & Anxiety. No meds. No support. At home at present.
Dd (16) ASD, SEN, Anxiety & Mutism.
No meds, limited 'support' at school.

My exH walked 2 years ago so it's all down to me. GP is useless & won't refer to local MH team. I'm in Scotland.