Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 7)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Goodness,seventh thread!
Welcome back to those who have been on board with me since the days DS was first struggling,and hello to new faces

This thread is for those who care for anxious teens.some of us have diagnosis of ASD/anxiety/depression,others are encountering and navigating escalating symptoms that are starting to prove troublesome

This is a safe,non judgemental space to share ideas,offload worries and provide support and kind words for those deep in the trenches

We get how utterly exhausting it can be and are not afraid to celebrate the small wins that in regular circles would be deemed as insignificant as participating in "normal activities"

OK, I'll be 🙏 it goes well for her, and that its the start of something lovely x

hello everyone trying to catch up on this thread.
So sorry so many are really struggling right now.
@MinionKevin Welcome
Im so sorry you are going through this too. It sounds all to familiar experience.
My DD went through similar from year 8 , she was diagnosed with autism and selective mutism in year 9. We limped on with reduced timetable , trying to "fix" it .
I would recommend reading Never give up by Suzanne Alderton and Your child is not broken by Heidi Mavir.
Does your DD have an EHCP? I would look into applying for one if not. Also if she is out of school for 15 days the LA should provide alternative provision, although in reality this is very difficult to get.
Its its hard to know what to do for the best and we pushed DD to go into school which usually backfired horrendously. What helped for us was reducing all demands, including school and pairing everything right back. Medication also helped but need a child and adolescent psychiatrist to prescribe either privately or via CAMHS. My DD also hated therapy but was better with art therapy rather than just sitting and talking-she needs a distraction. After a long fight she was awarded Education otherwise than in school which is 121 tutoring at home or in tuition centre. I echo what others have said here thats its so hard to reconcile your happy primary school age child with the teen they have become, school avoidance hit us like us bolt out of the blue, we never saw any of this coming. Accepting the new situation is hard.
@Theordinary how did your DD get on with outing with potential new friend, hope it went well. My DD also will not do any revision for GCSEs for exams.

DD16 got resit Maths GCSE results last week and she got a grade 4 which is what she got last summer she wanted to retake to improve her grade but wont do any mock papers or revision and has missed so much education. But she has a pass so we are moving on and keeping fingers crossed for other GCSES this year( she only took maths in year 11 due to being out of school for so long) I must admit to being apprehensive about how well she will do when she literally wont revise or even look at any exam papers beforehand let along do a mock.
We have EHCP tribunal next week to try and secure more provision for hers, starting to feel stressed and out of my depth!

I am the only person she can really offload to and sometimes it's suffocating.

@Theordinary this really resonates with me. Sometimes it is overwhelming, I have to bite my tongue so much. As a parent you want to provide advice etc but what they actually want is for you to listen and let them vent. It's not easy knowing what the right thing to say or do for them. It's been a tough day for us too. On the surface, dd looks like she's coping and looks like she has friends but this isn't the case. She feels like she has no real friends and feels like an outsider/weirdo in school which results in anger, tears, and body or self-loathing. It is scary. We have got to the stage where I let her take a day off each week and any appointments always happen during school hours to maximise time away! Pretty much all school extracurricular has been ditched. It makes me sad that she hates school so much. She does keep on top of school work, because she is very focused on going to university and leaving school behind. I am thankful for that at least but also wary of the stress it causes.
I hope the new friend works out.

I don't think pushing works, it certainly did not in our case. It just led to self-harm and suicidal thoughts. When things were at their worst (I think I blocked this stage out and certainly never discussed it with anyone in RL), I just thought GCSEs can be done later. It isn't the end of the world if she takes a year out. We told her this. Somehow despite this all, she did well. Where I failed was not pushing her to leave school when she insisted on staying on to A-levels. In my gut I knew this was a mistake and I kick myself every single day about it. I really really fecked that up. I'd give up A LOT to go back in time and change that. But in reality how do we ever know what is the right or wrong decision in the moment. Sigh.

I hope everyone is having a peaceful evening, with or without a glass of wine and that tomorrow brings something easier for all our dc.

And also a warm welcome to all the newcomers. I hope we can offer some comfort and helpful words during the difficult times.

Welcome @MinionKevin. I second an EHCP and s.19 provision? Same for you @DarkChocHolic and @Theordinary.

@Runnerduck34 good luck with the hearing.

@headache does DD take anything to help with her sleep during the nighttime? I don’t know if you know of them, but Enquire provide an advice service in Scotland, similar to the service IPSEA and SOSSEN offer in England.

@MackenCheese I hope the LA agree to an amend the EHCP. If you think you will have to appeal anyway, you would be better off appealing the result of December’s early review even if another early review is held. That way time isn’t lost. In the meantime they must still ensure he receives a suitable, full-time education and anything in F.

@Theordinary is DS being supported by your local young carers service? Sibs can also be helpful to speak to.

I wouldn’t force school or school work. DD won’t learn anything by being forced into an unsuitable environment. Qualifications can come later, MH has to be the priority. In the meantime, if you don’t think DD will be able to attend school full time request s19 provision - this can be whatever is suitable for DD and doesn’t have to have a traditional academic focus if DD isn’t able to cope with that. An EHCP can result in therapeutic support beyond what CAMHS would typically offer. And it can mean DD can have education funded to 25, or 26 in some cases.

Some DC finding therapies that rely less on talking easier e.g. animal assisted therapy. Or things like Mindjam which isn’t therapy as such but can be successful with DC who enjoy gaming.

@Okisenoughthank you. As brilliant as school have been they have dragged their feet on the EHCP.
I think art therapy is the thing I will ask for, I am reluctant to go the medication route as I don’t think DD will take it anyway.

She had a good day today (only 2nd time in since Christmas) and went in for 3 hours, should have been longer (we’re having an issue about where she goes when she doesn’t have a lesson). Apart from the fact she is happier and has things to talk about I feel a billion times better from having a break of her also offloading on me for hours and hours like she did yesterday. I told DH yesterday it’s like a form of torture to wear you down.

@MinionKevin you can request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. You can also request s.19 provision yourself by emailing the Director of Children’s Services. Post back if the LA refuse, ignore or delay.

Hello all.. hope I can join as I'm worried about my ds 17 who is suffering with depression and in year 13 at college, really struggling with the stress of A levels.

Can I join you please. I’ll have a proper read through the thread when I get time later
my 13 year old DD is struggling massively with anxiety and compulsive behaviours. currently awaiting ASD assessment but I’m in two kinds as to whether is ASD and she’s been good at masking or if it is all anxiety related.

she completely fell off a cliff edge last year, she really really struggled but seemed to have picked up over Christmas. Back to school hasn’t gone well and is currently causing her massive stresses and anxiety. Professionals have been no use, we just seem to have been passed from one service to another which each saying they can’t help!

Thank you @1spinforward2back . I haven't had the report from the December emergency review, so I need to chase for that, then appeal it. He needs to unschool, then have some s 19 provisions. He can think about GCSEs later. My dd14 also needs to be unschooled (ASD/EBSA) I desperately want to take them overseas to spend a month or something with grandpa (my dad). Serious question: would it be unlawful to take them out of the country for respite while I work through the whole EHCP process (for both 😁!!)

@falgelednl do you recommend the anxiety jellies?

welcome @Lastminutebride and @ScabbyHorse feel free to vent and share any of your worries.

@MackenCheese good luck with the unschooling. I did think about it myself but DH was dead against it.

Welcome @ScabbyHorse and @Lastminutebride.

Scabby does DS have plans for after college? Or is that part of his anxiety?

lastminute what support is the school providing? Does DD have an EHCP?

@MackenCheese you may well be fined if DC are still on the school’s roll. I wouldn’t call it unschooled, personally. DC need EOTAS (and in the immediate s.19 provision). EOTAS (and s.19 provision) can be whatever is suitable, including whatever unschooling would look like for you. But using the word unschooled implies you will be EHEing, which you don’t want because that relieves the LA’s of their duty.

Thanks for all the very good advice. I may well take the hit of a fine ,to get them out to the sunshine ASAP! It doesnt solve the issues long term , but DD especially needs the sun and did not get on with antidepressants from the private psychiatrist. And if the kids are still on roll (without s19 provision which I suspect will be the case) , then so be it. Mental health comes first!

@ScabbyHorse my DS is in Year 13 too. He's been anxious since a kid but not on medication, diagnosed ADHD (inattentive). He's not overly stressed about A Levels because he decided not to go to uni and is just blocking out realistic thoughts of what he's going to do next year. Does your DS have any ideas? He's predicted a B, D, E but I feel he's given up somewhat so he'll be lucky to get that. If he worked hard he could probably get A, C, D but he's got zero motivation. It's been mocks the past 2 weeks and he's just been playing Fifa, only a 2-3 of hours revision over the whole weekend. He then moans when he does badly that he worked so hard and he's stupid and it's so unfair. It's like he's telling himself this story that he works hard but does badly. He's not working hard though. I wouldn't even mind so much if he just didn't do the work - but it's the self pitying narrative which makes me so mad. Poor me, I have nothing going for me and nothing good ever happens to me. For example he told me his best moment of 2023 was a Fifa pack he opened. Forget the very expensive 18th celebration he requested, the friends who came, the fun they had. Nope, it was a Fifa pack because his life is that awful.

Anyone else recognise this and what to do about it?

@MackenCheese the meeting with the new friend went well. She actually invited her in and they sat in her (very messy!) bedroom chatting. It was lovely to hear. I'm worried though as DD has fixed onto her so tightly and I'm worried she's going to be a little too much. She's putting all her hopes in this one girl. She tends to become a bit obsessed. Its a hard decision for you, there's no denying that a break in the sunshine would do wonders though. @1spinforward2back I might look into the S19 thing. I'm really ignorant on all these things so I need to read up. Funnily enough, it's actually DD who was in Young Carers before we knew she was autistic as well. She was only in it for the free Theme park trips. All seems like a distant memory now, she'd never be able to go. I should maybe speak to the school.
@Runnerduck34 I've added those books to my wish list, thanks. Your DD did well to get a 4, although you'd hoped for higher at least that is a pass and you can all move on.
@Okisenough , you mustn't feel bad for decisions in the past. We're all just doing the best we can.
Wishing you all a good day.

That's great to hear. I know what you mean by fixation and potentially scaring off said friend! It's a minefield isn't it? We will all get through this, somehow. My son is bolted to his bed this morning. He just said to me "if I could go into school, I really would" poor him. We are stuck.

@MackenCheese , the poor child, its heartbreaking. You know he really means that too. My DD has gone in for a few hours mainly because she had to....she has a music performance she has to do for her exam. She was really anxious and tends to take it out on all of us. I feel battered and bruised. Her bedroom is becoming a mess again. A few weeks ago we staged an intervention and cleared bags and bags of crap out (obviously with her help and consent) Over the Xmas hols she kept it immaculate. Now she is so stressed and mental health is really poor again. She can't keep on top of tidying up. I'm meant to be going back to work soon but all this feels like a full time job!

@Theordinary I hope her performance went well

@MackenCheese Yes I believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel even though sometimes it feels like a very long tunnel!

@mackencheese that sounds very familiar. DD was sobbing this week when she couldn't make it into English tuition- i think, despite reassurance, she feels like a failure when she can't go in:( it's so hard on them
@theordinary DDs room is also a complete mess - cant see carpet, she rarely let's me touch it- she's determined to do if herself but just isn't able to but won't accept help.

I've just had a very frustrating day.
We are appealing to SEND Tribunal for DDs provision. Hearing was scheduled for Wednesday, this afternoon Tribunal tell us the Hearing has been postponed due to " a flexible timetable for appeals currently listed" whatever that excuse means! They never mentioned it was a "flexible timetable " before!! Just so disheartening, can't belied they cancelled with less than 3 working days notice. I was all geared up for it and now yet more delay, feels like a conspiracy .

@Runnerduck34 , that's so frustrating, you've got every right to be furious and I'm sorry you're having to go through this. The process seems so daunting, you have my admiration. I should probably be applying for EHCPs for both of mine but I don't feel strong enough for the battle. The school told me that now my DS is back on the meds (ADHD) we should wait a year before we review for EHCP. I don't know who to believe. I agree it does seem a bit like they make it impossibly hard so people just give up! Hang in there if you can.

@MerryMarigold I suspect a lot of what you describe is connected to his ADHD and his anxiety. It might be worth speaking to your GP about medication to see if that makes a difference. My dd is also year 13 and although she works hard, I do recognise the life is awful aspects you mention. It can be wearing but I try to remember this is how they feel and telling them they are wrong or should be grateful doesn't help the situation or alleviate their sadness. My dd is seeing a counsellor which helps a bit. I am hoping that once she leaves the demands of school and has more control over her time, things will also improve. I think for a lot of kids with anxiety or nd, school isn't a good fit.

Hope everyone is ok. We've had a difficult day today so hoping tomorrow is better.

Welcome @merrymarigold
Hope tomorrow is better @okisenough

Hope everyone is well and things are ok.
Another difficult day here. And she is now about to go on a school residential trip. I am worried but she wanted to go. I am not going to be naive enough to think she might enjoy it but I just have to hope that she will be ok. Our adhd appointment is approaching fast and I hope that might give us some insights. After the last 48 hours, I almost feel we are going backwards. I thought counselling was helping and I know they always say trust the process when it comes to counselling, but honestly I am having a wobble, is it really helping or am I just throwing money at the problem? I know I am just panicking and desperately looking for someone to blame. Days like this are hard. I want to be able to 'fix' and of course, this isn't how it works!!! I do know this as dd has had anxiety since year 9. Ok rant over and will now make a cup of tea and try to breathe.

I don't know how many non-contributors read this but if anyone has any positive stories relating to anxious dc, that would be lovely to hear.

@Okisenough
Oh tell me about the "going backwards" feeling.
I am sorry things continue to be hard.
Maybe dd would be happy on the residential? As she is y13, maybe it's her last chance with current group of friends.
It may also give you a respite from her though I fully know there is never really a respite for the lot of us.
I have been having the same thoughts for my DDs school trip in spring.
I lose a lot of money if I cancel but with attendance at less than 40 percent, I don't even know if she will be on the school rolls until May.
But the thought of her not being home for 4 days very much appeals to me I guiltily admit 😞

@DarkChocHolic I was looking forward to it but then this so I expect (although really hope it doesn't happen) to get loads of texts about how she hates it and is stressed, upset etc. Sadly, she doesn't particularly like her 'friends' so won't see it like that. On the surface it looks like she has a good group of friends but dd feels none of them are proper or close friends, and feels like an outsider. Sigh. We are literally counting the days for school to be over. And hoping that in University she finds her tribe, her peace and her stride. To be honest, would be happy for just one of those!!!

Yes some respite would be lovely, I think I live large parts of life metaphorically holding my breath and clenching my fists.