Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 7)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Goodness,seventh thread!
Welcome back to those who have been on board with me since the days DS was first struggling,and hello to new faces

This thread is for those who care for anxious teens.some of us have diagnosis of ASD/anxiety/depression,others are encountering and navigating escalating symptoms that are starting to prove troublesome

This is a safe,non judgemental space to share ideas,offload worries and provide support and kind words for those deep in the trenches

We get how utterly exhausting it can be and are not afraid to celebrate the small wins that in regular circles would be deemed as insignificant as participating in "normal activities"

falgelednl, Welcome. It's interesting to hear about your daughters. Very similar to mine by the sound of it. What are loops, coconut water and anxiety jellies? I'm looking for anything that might help my DD.

Welcome @falgelednl. Have you thought about a therapy that relies less on verbal communication &/or taps into special interests? They are often more successful for those who can’t engage in more traditional counselling or CBT type therapies.

@Theordinary loops are noise cancelling earplugs.

Thank you! I had no idea they were called that. My DD can't tolerate the sound of people eating or breathing. I suggested noise cancelling headphones and she said no way as then she would hear her own eating and breathing! Can't win really, she dismisses every suggestion we try and come up with.

@Theordinary Loops just one brand. In our house we all have Bose noise cancelling headphones. If you can I would try to encourage DD to try noise cancelling headphones/earphones/earplugs. Well worth it IMO.

Hello everyone I’m trying my best to catch up with you all, I don’t have any practical advice on the English school system sorry. But being a mother of four teenager I know secondary school can be just awful especially if you’re quirky, not popular, a little bit weird etc.

DD1 is my main DC I talk about on here, before she had all her problems she was an outgoing, sociable girl who enjoyed school. Her MH issues hit around covid and she never got to finish school, she now has anxiety, depression, OCD and agoraphobia.

DD2 I suspect is ASD what used to be called high functioning but she has masked all her life. Very quiet and studious at school most teachers hardly knew she was in their class. She was bullied for being “different” her grades fell away, she SI but fortunately she could leave end of 5th year and go to college where she is thriving.

DD3 is a lovely sociable girl. But she has been bullied for not being popular, she keeps her head down and really just wants to blend into the wall so no one says anything to her. She has the secondary school misfortune of being ginger haired so that’s enough really. Like her sister her goal is to leave a year early as quick as she can.

DS is in 2nd year and not enjoying school life, I strongly suspect he has ADHD. He says he gets picked on a lot.

I just feel so sad for your teenagers that this is now their experience of school. With so many being neurodiverse and being put into mainstream schools with no support whatsoever to suffer so much. Up here there was so much made about “inclusion” but it’s not worked at all. It’s as of a whole section of schools has been stripped away, we still have SEN schools but they are massively oversubscribed and are only for the least able children, the rest are in mainstream. There should be a sector of schools between (we teachers have said this for years about these missing schools) mainstream school is not the place for a lot of young people and there’s no alternative.

Sorry I went off on a bit of a rant there, I’ve had a tough week, back to work after time off, DD is not improving despite having time with her Crisis Team. We’ve been told to back off and not wake her. Most days she’s getting up between 4-5pm.

We had one of the worst nights ever with my DD, I had horrible thoughts of her doing something stupid overnight. We went to the cinema in the daytime and she had multiple meltdowns before leaving as she kept saying her face doesn't look like her and she wanted reassurance that she looked like herself. It seems like she is becoming very unwell. She has body dysmorphia and won't leave the house without full make up, false eyelashes everything. She had put so much on but I said nothing as I wanted her to be able to see the film. She seemed OK, but by the evening she was crying and agitated. Catastrophising about her future, when she can't even speak to people anymore (situational mute?) Even at Christmas she couldn't even talk to family members. She was supposed to be going back to school tomorrow but she is just too unwell. She was screaming and scratching her skin until she has left deep red marks. We are all traumatised and my DH and I are so worried. I can't stop crying. I have to think about my son as well who is witnessing all this and will be soaking up the anxiety like a sponge. I am at my wits end. Sat here completely paralysed with worry and can't stop crying. I try my best to hold it together all the time but I'm struggling so much now. How will I be able to go back to work?
She was only diagnosed asd in September with ASD and things are going from bad to worse since then.

@Theordinary
So sorry to hear this.
Is DDs body dysmorphia diagnosed?
Is she on any medication.
My DD also struggles with body image issues. I don't think they are as severe yet but I fully empathise the not leaving home without full face and eye lashes..basically OTT.
She also drastically thinned her hair with kitchen scissors as she hates her hair and has now damaged it so much the hairdresser was in despair last week.

I read about this in the NHs website last night and thought I would share
www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/body-dysmorphia/

Sorry no wise words but you are not alone. Its heartbreaking when they say they hate their bodies and want to do drastic things like self harm etc.
Big hugs to you.

Xx

Thanks for the article DarkChocHolic, I will read that today. It is heartbreaking. She hasn't been diagnosed formally with Body Dysmorphia but I think it must be, as well as social anxiety and clearly now, depression as well. We have yet to see a psychiatrist. I am having to get her seen privately as camhs won't see her as she doesn't meet their criteria (yet) . No medication yet for the same reason. This is why I think the Psychiatrist is a priority as I really worry now that she won't beat this mental illness without meds. Honestly last night we were so frightened for her safety. She has self harmed with razers in the past which is no longer doing. Instead though she is biting herself which I guess is still self harm without leaving visible marks. I lock away most medications for safety as well.
She won't be going to school tomorrow. I don't know if I'm supposed to get her to do school work or just remove all pressure?

@Theordinary
Would she accept other "ways" to self harm if you suggested it?
DD was advised ice cubes, freezing cold shower, snapping rubber bands on her wrist etc.

Would your DD speak to a counsellor?
I would advise getting her to speak to someone either at school or private ASAP whilst you sort out psychiatrist.
We are with camhs but we are also on the wait list of a private psychiatrist for over 4 months.

In the meantime, I would suggest remove all pressure of school.
We find that doing low demand days are what keeps our DD fairly stable.
The slightest of trigger sets her off at the moment.
What year is your DD?
I know it's a worry about the future but unfortunately at this stage, keeping them alive and safe takes precedence over everything else.

You are not alone.
Vent away here and we will listen
Xx

She is year 11 so it's a crucial year. You're right though, our priority must be her wellbeing. To be honest she's in no fit state to revise anyway. I suspect the GCSEs are going to be a write off. I'm not sure whether she would be open to any other suggestions. I think the urges tend to come when she is completely overwhelmed. I can mention it though. I'm so grateful to have somewhere to vent!

My heart goes out to all of you who are having a really tough time. I am thinking of you all and you are not alone. An holding your hand tightly.

My dd also has some body issues and like others will not leave the house without makeup on even if all we are doing is going to buy milk. If you can afford it, I agree that it is a good idea to get a counsellor who has experience with body dysmorphia to help, if she can't talk to one then perhaps a counsellor that uses art or games. This is not a miracle cure and it is a slow process but I have found it helpful for my dd. Plus just knowing there is someone else helping takes a bit of pressure off your own mental load. I think it is beyond terrible that those who don't have the money are left to flounder.

I too would agree that right now don't worry about schoolwork. It isn't worth the stress. And the only thing that covid taught me is that there is time and a lot of things just don't matter.

Re: school system. I agree wholeheartedly agree with your views about school @headache .

@Theordinary your poor DD sounds awful it’s so so hard to watch your child suffer
My DD just doesn’t leave the house anymore she doesn’t want anyone she knows to see her, she thinks she looks such a mess.

Welcome falgelednl
Outside of school do they have social lives friends?
What about you?do you have RL support/friends/family to offload and share the stresses of life with?

How's everyone today? We're not doing well. DD self harmed yesterday (I spoke too soon didn't I?!) after a big arguement with her Dad about her revision (lack of). I've patched her arm up and done the best I can to support my son who witnessed the situation. We've just taken the fairly obvious decision to cancel her music lessons as she just isn't coping with the added pressure. Her mock GCSE results came back and were very disappointing. I feel like her potential is slipping away and I'm really sad for her.
The whole household is struggling now. I don't think there's one of us who's feeling OK mentally right now. There's no help to be found and I just don't know how to put things right. I know this must sound very self indulgent and negative but I need to get this stuff out of my head, sorry if it's a bit much.

@Theordinary
Am so sorry you are feeling desperate
I hope you can do something that will take your mind off this for a few hours.
I know about the stresses of GCSEs as DD is now in Y12.
If school and exams are her trigger then not talking about them will really avoid such melt downs.
If she is a good student normally then she must be feeling bad herself about the lack of revision.
Parents asking her just fuels the bad feeling.
Try and take a few days break from revision.
There is still time so maybe a complete break will help her decompress.
Does she know what she wants to.do after GCSE.
For now, just focus on making sure she is safe.

Sorry that your DS is caught in the firing line.
I have the same situation here so I completely understand how each of you are feeling.
Make sure your ds has a chance to vent or talk to you or someone ay school.
And also its a good idea for you and yo husband to tag team and do stuff with ds.

Big hugs.
Xx

Thank you DarkChoc, that's good advice. The problem I'm having is my DH, although supportive and on board with it all sometimes thinks I'm being too soft on the kids. I just know when it's time to back off for the sake of their mental health, whereas he can be a bit of a bull in a China shop. Very often he puts his foot in it and she goes completely crazy at him. She's meant to be going into school tomorrow just to do her favourite subject which will be good for her if she can manage it!
We've got the psychiatrist appointment Friday so I'm pinning my hopes in that. Hope we can get her on some meds to help her. I know it's only one part of her treatment. Someone mentioned DBT I think (sorry for my bad memory) I will look into that maybe as well. I'm worried about the cost of it all. I'm still wishing we'd had her tested for ADHD as well as she surely has it too, like her younger brother. I just can't afford to pay for it all though.

@Theordinary
With medication, it's best to combine with talking therapy.
Also be aware with anti depressants it's quite hard for the first few months.
My DD is on week 10 of medication and still not settled.
I wish we had tried a talking therapy first but sadly camhs have a huge waiting list for it.

I also sympathise with the situation you with DH. I remember talking exactly about the same things when I joined this thread some weeks ago.
Men are wired quite differently and I don't think many can understand mental health.
After many months of DH denying anything was wrong, DH and I attended our first Family Therapy session.
Wish it had happened before, but atleast it's happened now!

Hope everyone has a quiet calm evening
Monday is almost over. Phew!
Xx

Sorry, I just need to vent. I think my DS16 has dropped out of school. ASD/PDA EBSA. I think he just cannot face the demands of school life anymore. It's such a shame as he is in yr11. He got up at 6am, had breakfast, just couldn't go in. He has an EHCP so i just have to go back to the drawing board with the LA (we had an emergency review end of Dec) for another review to look at EOTAS. He refuses to rngage in ant talking therapy or dven to explain to me what's going on. I'm just feel so fed up and hopeless...

I hope those of you struggling have managed to get your kids in.

He also took a whole year out in year 9 with EBSA. It was a miracle to get him back into school for year 10, but i feel beaten now....

@MackenCheese
Sorry to hear.
Is he capable of working at home for the rest of the year with support from school?
Has he done mocks etc ?

No, he's never been capable of working at home. Homework has always been a no-go area. He flatly refused to fo his mocks in November and hasn't been back since 😟

Hello.
I have a year 10 DD with severe anxiety. Started properly in year 8 but I can now see she struggled for years with low level anxiety. Was pushed back for ND assessment but we are going back, she masks incredibly well, especially in a one on one conversation.
We saw CAHMS fairly quickly and did CBT (disaster) then had to wait and saw another clinical therapist - also a disaster. Talking about things makes her much much worse.
She was doing okay before Christmas but the holidays and change of routine have spoiled things and she’s not been back in.
She goes in part time for some lessons. We keep trying to add more but it’s a trial each time. At the moment we are struggling with severe stomach pains, even though she wants to go in.
DH doesn’t understand at all, especially that she won’t go to the cinema, go for day trips etc.

we are meant to be going back to cahms to see what else they can offer but the meeting clashed and they haven’t rearranged.

It's hard when they just refuse to go in. I'm torn between being really tough with them or wanting to save them from the trauma and let them stay home. My DS (12) insisted on staying at home yesterday (tummy ache) and because DD was not going in, it was hard to justify why he should go. I felt like such a failure with two of them with school refusal. But then by 10.30 he appeared in the kitchen, blazer on, saying he wanted me to take him in to school after all. I took that as a major win! DD has gone in today to just do her favourite subject for the day. We have literally no plan for the rest of the week. I don't know whether she will be able to face her peers the way she is. Today she won't really have seen anyone all day as she's just in the one classroom, so it's probably been bearable.
I'm really worried about these exams. Like some of you have said, she seems incapable of doing much work at home. Can I really just let her give up? I don't know what's the right thing.

Fellow failure parent here @Theordinary!! Both at home. I'm fed up of this and I dont often drink but bought some wine to have later!! Go me!

MakenCheese, you must have read my mind about the wine as I was thinking the same thing! I'm trying not to get too glum about it all. I often wonder how the hell did we get here? Casting my mind back to when they were tiny, I had no idea what was to come. There's so, so many of us struggling. It sucks. Solidarity on this thread though, which is great comfort to me.
DD is actually going out to meet a potential new friend in a minute. They've been trying to meet up for weeks. She is basically friendless except for online mates so really needs this to work out. I am trying not to raise my hopes. I am the only person she can really offload to and sometimes it's suffocating. Fingers crossed it goes well!