Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 7)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Goodness,seventh thread!
Welcome back to those who have been on board with me since the days DS was first struggling,and hello to new faces

This thread is for those who care for anxious teens.some of us have diagnosis of ASD/anxiety/depression,others are encountering and navigating escalating symptoms that are starting to prove troublesome

This is a safe,non judgemental space to share ideas,offload worries and provide support and kind words for those deep in the trenches

We get how utterly exhausting it can be and are not afraid to celebrate the small wins that in regular circles would be deemed as insignificant as participating in "normal activities"

Just trying to catch up on this thread, I hope everyone is doing "ok".
We have just had DDs annual review and Tbh I've just come on here to rant with people who get it!
DD 17, been through 2 tribunals and a phase transfer already.
Latest EHCP has provision ordered by tribunal in February, EHCP issued in May, funding released in June/July, provision fully implementated from last month - September.
This month Annual Review.
So was starting to hope meeting was going well( although ime you never know what LA truly intend until amendment notice lands in your in box) and we seemed all in agreement plan would not be amended when we get to the last page of the LAs form and LA annouce they will be holding a phase transfer in January!! Just 3 months from now!!
The reviewed plan will barely arrive before they want to review it again.
It's just flipping constant.
I thought the last AR when she was 16 was phase transfer, she transferred to the post 16 team at this point.
Do they also need to do a phase transfer at 18?? I didn't think they did.
If so what was the point of this AR just 3months before they are planning to do it again??
She's doing a combination of GCSEs and ALevels some will be sat summer 25 and some will be sat summer 26 and nothing discussed today is going to change within 3months.
The ongoing stress is just constant, I just want her to have security and certainty.
Just going back in my corner to rock and bang my head against the wall.
Sorry for ranting
@1spinforward2back any advice gratefully received!
We said in the meeting we didn't feel it was necessary and that things are not going to change in 3months and it will really add to DDs anxiety but LAs response is we have to review the plan in January for phase transfer😔

@Runnerduck34 the LA doesn’t have to hold a phase transfer review for post 18 unless the young person will move placements. In that case, the amended EHCP must be finalised at least 5 months in advance of the move.

Is DD receiving social care support? If so, has transition been looked at?

@1spinforward2back
Thanks for replying, no she's not receiving social care support. She was briefly under "early help" which I think came under social care support but she was discharged when CAMHS accepted her.
She won't be changing providers at least that's not our wish.
What the LA think is another thing!!
She has mentoring that covers preparing for adulthood, budgeting, relationships, boundaries, healthy eating, PSHE topics and does travel training., she also goes to a social skills group.
Honestly I don't think the phase transfer is necessary.
But I guess it's most likely to do with looking at reducing her provision /cost savings.

Yes, @DarkChocHolic - it is so obvious i feel a bit thick for not spotting it myself!
Even now, i'd say dd is looking to me to organise her social life. This is why we go to so many cafés - i see her looking at a loose end and suggest we nip out to the caff. And she agrees just for something to do. She always waits for her pals to initiate contact with her - she is never the one to organise anything. And it's limited. I remember as a teen being in constant contact. Even if i had spent a full day with my pals, if i got home and had something to tell them, i'd phone them up (this is the 1980s!) and natter away again with more goss! I wasn't on my own much at all during holiday periods.

All sounds very complicated @Runnerduck34 . The English system is a mystery to me so i haven't grasped your exact situation but it does sound very difficult.

Absolutely tipping it down today. DDs about to go to work. She's working both today and tomorrow so that will fill her time.

Great thread. https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Be-Yourself-Ellen-Hendriksen/dp/1250161703 This is a fantastic book and this is great https://gozen.com/

Rebecca Sparrow, an Australian writer, https://rebeccasparrow.com/ is fabulous. I recently watched one of her talks First Impressions and Making Connections - you do have to pay - it was £15 but worth every penny. I watched it live but you then have the recording for 6 months.

Linda Stade, another Australian writer and teacher, is another great source of useful resources.

I reported above post.

Awful news here. Our older dog was rushed to vet at 2am this morning passing blood. Very unlikely to pull through.

Haven't heard yet but not expecting good news. Ds's birthday today and dd is supposed to be working at the cafe.

Only DH and i know the dog is ill - everyone was in bed when it all happened.

Don't know whether to run dd to cafe as usual. She might as well have a normal day rather than sitting here waiting for the vet to call with bad news.

He was fine yesterday morn. We don't know what it is - vet guessed ruptured tumour but it is very serious, whatever.

Have only slept one hour. Never got to bed til 4 and awake by 5.30. Don't think i nodded off til at least 4.30 though.

@Anisty
Sorry to hear the news about the dog.
Hang in there.
Big hugs.
Xx

Thanks @DarkChocHolic ! Very pleased to report that vet called with a brilliant update - he has perked right up, eaten 2 meals. Bloods done and all normal. We can pick him up 8.30 tonight if he stays well.

We were offered pts for him last night as vet said she didn't think he'd pull through.

This now looks to be a severe gut irritation, likely from eating a rotting carcass or similar which has been riddled with parasites.

He is not insured so she won't scan him unless he takes a downturn. We will already be into the hundreds with the night vet appt plus everything so far.

Not ideal after dds 2k autism assessment fee but worth it to have our boy home again - hopefully with more years in him since it doesn't look to be cancer after all.

A very black day has taken a surprisingly good turn!

Hope you all have good surprises today too!

I’m just checking in. We are still doing okay. We’ve had a few wobbles, DD had a stomach bug and we got an attendance letter. Then our cat pass’s away and she missed more school (luckily they didn’t say anything).
But I think we are now getting into a good swing. DD is doing well in the subjects she is still doing, she won’t go to English lessons and she needs to pass that GCSE. She’s suddenly become very interested in doing well and getting high grades, and wanting to stay for 6th form.
I feel like if I can get her through her GCSEs to get into sixth form we will be okay. Changed days, even school are shocked.

Sorry to hear about your cat, @MinionKevin . We also lost our cat in January this year; she was elderly at almost 18. Will you get another cat or kittens? We did get 2 new kittens 6 months ago and dd loves them to bits.

That sounds as if dd has had a realisation of what paths lie before her, depending on what action she now takes - and she's going for the academic path! Would getting a tutor for GCSE English be an option?

We had a lovely meal out for ds's birthday. DD was in good spirits and had put a fair amount of effort into her outfit and make up; she looked very good!

Our dog did not get home yesterday after having another bleed at the vet's. However, he was still bright and alert and it seemed a case of more observation needed. I think he is still on a recovery trajectory now they don't think he has a tumour - tumour is pretty much ruled out by his bloods though he hasn't had a scan.

Might get him home today; have not heard from vet yet.

No she has issues with people coming to the house.
I want another one soon but I am being made to wait until after half term as child’s mates are coming round, which is probably right.

fingers crossed for your dog @Anisty its one of the most stressful things!

Maybe an online tutor @MinionKevin - or could dd go to a tutor's house?

Our local high school really is bad - so almost every child that does well has tutors!!! It is mad isn't it?!
DD didn't have an English tutor but she had a maths one. My ds did have English though - i think only about 5 sessions just on the run up to exams. They just seem to learn so much more with a tutor.

But - i suppose that was because the school is just a discipline-free zone and a lot of lesson time was spent in chaos.

Glad another cat is on the cards for you at some point! Makes a house a home for sure.

Haven't heard from vet yet. It will be open today so i will call them if i don't hear soon.

Dog got home Monday morning very subdued with tail down. However, had really brightened by Tuesday so now confident he will get back to full strength.
No other news to report. All is well and settled here.

Hope you're all doing well too.

@MinionKevin
Pleased to hear DD is coping well and wants to get high grades.
And sorry about the cat. There is always something to worry about isn't there.
I hope you can figure something about the English. Would she work with you or by watching YouTube videos etc.
I appreciate it is not for everyone to teach their DC.
I dread when my son asks for help with physics. It is a subject beyond me

@Anisty
Pleased the dog is back home and perking up.
They are wonderful family members.
You must be glad the upheaval is over.

Update from us. DD is still coping OK with college. Cheerful and managed to go in all days. She has tests she is actually studying for which I find so hard to believe compared to this time last year when we were with crisis teams.
We have had bus troubles so it has not been an easy week but despite it she is cheerful which I am grateful for.
They have a 2 week half term and she will be glad to not have the 2 hour bus journey. Hoping I can do a mini break somewhere cheap and cheerful with her. Don't have the energy to look for last minute things.
Am rubbish at this holiday planning stuff.

Hope everyone is doing OK.
@Theordinary. Have been thinking about you and hope all is OK at yours.

Xx

Hope you get good weather if you get a wee break, @DarkChocHolic . DD goes back to college next week and our weather has been glorious. We haven't been away though.

So warm and sunny today; like high summer! Other days have been very sunny but baltic (as is often the case in Scotland!)

We were also in a very dark place this time last year but things are hugely better this year - though dd keeps dreaming her teeth have fallen out!!

I turned to Google and it said that dream can signal insecurity. Maybe her subconscious is healing her though as she never used to remember her dreams ever.

All good with our dog! He seems ok. I got his back end cleaned up in the shower yesterday. He is long haired (tibetan terrier) so i didn't wash through his full coat as it takes a good hour just to rinse soap out. Don't think he's up to that. Will get him to the groomer to get fully spruced when he gets back to full strength.

All very quiet on here🤔 Hopefully that's because all is well with everyone and you're getting on with life rather than checking in on Mumsnet!

Dd is away to do the ADOS today. She just goes on her own for that one so hopefully i will hear her getting up in a minute!

All well here - dog made a full recovery!

Hi everyone, sorry I've not been on here much lately. Hope everyone is OK. I've got a meeting with DD's college today to discuss her poor attendance. Tutor seems really nice so I'm hoping we can find ways to support her. She's pretty burnt out and tired from all the travelling and peopling so all things considered I think she's doing well. DS missed the whole of the last week of school again due to anxiety. It's so hard to see if he's just preferring to be at home or if he's truly had enough. I'm worried what will happen if he doesn't go back. I can't home school and apparently section 19 provision is pretty dire at the moment. Ehcpna has been accepted so we now start the endless wait for assessment. It feels pretty relentless at the moment but we're going away for a relaxing break next week and I can't bloody wait! Hope things are OK ish with everyone. Fantastic news about the dog,@Anisty@Anisty

Arggg ignore the double name thing again. I'm really rubbish at this!

@Theordinary good luck with the meeting. Pleased to hear the LA has agreed to assess DS. If you haven’t already, make sure you request all the necessary assessments e.g. SALT, OT, clinical psychologist &/or psychiatrist. If the LA breach the statutory timescales, you can force them to act, including via JR if necessary. Similarly, section 19 provision has to be a suitable, full-time education. If that isn’t forthcoming, you can enforce the provision, again via JR if necessary.

@Anisty I hope the ADOS goes well.

Hope your meeting goes well @Theordinary .

DD not yet home from the ADOS. I think she was planning on doing some shopping in the city before coming home so she'll be enjoying that alone rather than having me/her pals chewing her ear off! She can go at her own pace.

Hi @1spinforward2back can I pick your brains about how to request that those professionals are involved? I've sent off the EHCPNA form to the council. The form had space to write a bit about his needs and what he struggles with. Can I make these requests directly to his allocated link person from the council at this stage? I'm Confused about how I can make sure they involve the right experts to assess him. Thanks.

@Theordinary you can use one of IPSEA’s model letters (no.20) to request the LA seeks advice and information from professionals. Send it to the caseworker and copy in the Director of Children’s Services.

DD came back exhausted after her ADOS. The whole day had gone wrong apparently when the bus did not stop at the expected stop. Then she went to buy theatre tickets and box office closed.

The ados has obviously been pretty challenging for her. She was unable to construct a story from random words and unable to describe feelings.

Then she went to the shops, felt totally unenergised and got an earlier bus home.

Looking knackered she said she was dreading this weekend as she has parties Fri, Sat and Sun with her old school pals and she doesn't want to go to any!

Later on in the evening however, she had settled down and says she will see how she feels about the parties on the day. These are not your typical teen rowdy parents away lets invite everyone parties.

Just 6 pals meeting up for a Halloween thing.

I do feel a bit sad that dd just feels the same emotion all the time. What i had mistaken for depression isn't. It's just that autistic thing of not being able to experience the full range of emotions. I don't think dd does excitement, despair, joy, sadness etc in the way an NT person fully experiences. I feel sad she's missing so much. But i don't expect she knows what she's missing.

@Anisty
Bless your DD. She must have been exhausted yesterday after the ados.
Throw in bus issues and no tickets at the theatre that would have driven her over the bend.
I hope she can relax and then decide what to do about the parties.
She may change her mind on the day..hardest thing would be to not nudge her to go.
My DD didn't manage to make the story for ados either.
They also observed how she didn't show any interest in asking questions about the second observer who was in the room. She knew the first observer as he was her HCP.
Reciprocal communication and social communication issues were observed significantly for her age. This is what her report said.
And she has always had an issue with describing emotions. I don't know has always been her answer to many things.
It is hard to watch them struggle when these things come so naturally to many.
Yesterday my DD was really upset as she was so bored and she wanted people to do things with. She doesn't have any! Her college friends are still too new and they all seem nervous.
I suggested she plan a meet up but sne is scared of rejection and them saying no.
Luckily her therapist suggested she plan a trip to London on her own to build some self confidence and so she is doing that today.
Next week I take her away for 2 days so that should break things up.

Hope everyone is doing OK and having an uneventful week
Xx