Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 7)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Goodness,seventh thread!
Welcome back to those who have been on board with me since the days DS was first struggling,and hello to new faces

This thread is for those who care for anxious teens.some of us have diagnosis of ASD/anxiety/depression,others are encountering and navigating escalating symptoms that are starting to prove troublesome

This is a safe,non judgemental space to share ideas,offload worries and provide support and kind words for those deep in the trenches

We get how utterly exhausting it can be and are not afraid to celebrate the small wins that in regular circles would be deemed as insignificant as participating in "normal activities"

Thanks for sharing your son's progress @Anisty - that's brilliant that he got himself through it, but it must have been so tough. I agree that the studio flat would take the pressure off - I am really surprised he didn't bite my hand off when I suggested it, but I have to leave it up to him if he thinks he wants to give it more time.

@Theordinary sorry things aren't good. I had a similar issue with places not accepting certain evidence from GPs - I was going to have to pay the GP £100 to write a letter confirming DS's anxiety at one point, although eventually the uni did accept the doctor's notes and ASD referral as evidence that he needs support. It feels like a constant battle doesn't it - its relentless. My DD isn't as bad as DS, in that she can speak to people a bit more, and will ask for help when needed, but we have nightly discussions where she runs through everything she is worried about, right down to the tiniest detail. I know its great that they talk to us but I can totally see why you turn to the wine.

@Theordinary the school needs reminding the Working Together to Improve School Attendance guidance states schools should not routinely request evidence. Normally they should accept parents notifying them without question. They should only request evidence “where the school has genuine and reasonable doubt about the authenticity of the illness” in order to clarify whether code I (for illness) is the accurate code to use. Where medical evidence is requested they shouldn’t be rigid in deciding what to accept.

@SqueezyCheesyPeasy Thanks. These schools like to make things as difficult as possible. As if it's not hard enough already.
@1spinforward2back Can you believe I actually sent those guidelines from DFE to the attendance officer with the relevant page number? It did no good. I've printed off the Not Fine in School info for schools which is brilliant. I'm going to give that to the deputy head tomorrow. Apparently because it's an ongoing absence rather than the odd day, it's different. I also wrote in my last email that I would like them to admit that they disbelieve us about his anxiety! Not my finest hour but I was livid. I'm hoping the Dr's letter we have now will be enough. They must absolutely hate me at that school and think I'm a complete nightmare but I'm just beyond caring now.

@Theordinary the regulations (School Attendance (Pupil Registration) (England) Regulations 2024) behind the Working Together… document make clear where a pupil is absent because they are unable to attend due to sickness the absence must be regarded as authorised. It does not say unless not a one off and evidence from an F2F appointment isn’t provided.

Yes @1spinforward2back its infuriating isn't it?

@Theordinary you have more patience than me! I would have told the school the attendance register is a legal document which they have a legal duty to ensure is accurate and you have provided medical evidence. If they fail to comply with the LA you will be forced to pursue further action.

@Theordinary sorry to hear things are difficult. Don't these bloody schools understand that things are hard enough without them adding to it, we all want our kids to love school, be happy and go in every day. FFS work with us! Our kids are not alone, there are so many children/teens/adults going through this, why do they even take this line!

@SqueezyCheesyPeasy I am sorry to hear about your ds but also impressed that he wants to keep trying. That I think is the first hurdle. We also offered my dd a studio and she also declined. My dd isn't as social as her flatmates as she finds it difficult, probably avoids the kitchen more than the others and is constantly worried about what they think of her. But I keep trying to remind her that she needs to be kind to herself and be proud of what she has managed so far. I too am nervous/anxious every time I get or don't get a message, I am happy when it's positive but when it's not I feel so deflated. After everything, I so want things to be easier for her, I so want a happy ever after but the reality for my dd is small wins, small steps in the right direction with regular steps back. I hope your ds starts to find it easier once the course really gets going and realises that he isn't alone. There are others that understand his struggle and admire his courage in getting this far. As you say we can't rush in and sort things out at this stage, we just have to stand and watch and hope.

@1spinforward2back I'm going to borrow your exact words for the meeting today at the school. I would love to see them argue with that, thank you!
@Okisenough You're so right when you say there's so many families going through the same as us. It's only when you go online that you realise the scale of the problem. I think it's shocking the level of denial from government and schools about the mess we're in with our childrens' mental health in this country. It's like they're all conspiring together to say we don't know what to do about it, so we'll just pretend it's the parents fault their children have a 'lack of resilience'. They don't realise that children like ours have way more resilience than any of the others who find school a breeze. To ours it's like walking into a battlefield everyday.

@Theordinary good luck with the meeting today. My previous post should have said ‘comply with the law’ rather than LA.

So the meeting was horrendous. They were condescending and patronising throughout. I was basically accused of not engaging with the help offered. The whole tone was one of disapproval. When they brought DS into the meeting one of them quizzed him directly about what he said to the GP. He felt quite under pressure. I feel like they're trying to catch me out all the time. Its such a horrible feeling. I can tell they think I'm a feckless and irresponsible parent.

@Theordinary I’m sorry. Easier said than done but try to ignore it. The support they are offering isn’t suitable. Since an EHCNA hasn’t been requested and alternative provision isn’t in place the school and LA could have done and still can do more to support DS with his needs arising from his disability. Follow up the meeting with an email so you have a paper trail you can use as evidence should you need it.

Thank you @1spinforward2back I'm feeling so defeated today. I'm starting to wonder whether I need to take some time off work. I'm beyond stressed now. My hair is falling out in handfuls and I don't know if it's normal seasonal hair loss or stress! Not helped by coming home and realising that DD has not gone into college. DH has had a word with her and she's agreed to let me drive her in for the remainder of the day.
I forgot to say, the school made me sign a parenting contract to agree to him trying to go in on a part time basis. They've accused me of not engaging with the emotional wellbeing help the school offered. I sat their with every text message to prove they were wrong on that as well. I feel so persecuted.

@Theordinary
Big hugs. What a pants situation for you. How dare the school behave with so little consideration!
Please look after yourself. I know it's easier said than done. If you need to and if work will allow paid sick days, do take it.
Xx

@SqueezyCheesyPeasy
Bless your DS! He must be so brave to consider staying and giving it a go.
Honestly these kids are such fighters and they don't even realise it.
I am glad there are some flat mates trying to get him to engage. Normally they seem to only look out for themselves.
I hope your DS finds a way/little break to put himself there in some tiny way.
It's so bloody hard for us to sit and watch

Xx

Just been reading about all the school issues. Although Scottish education is widely regarded to be crap, at least we don't have this punitive system.

There are no parental fines and, tbh, kids that don't attend are pretty much left to their own devices. Parents do get emailed about it and there are attendance targets to hit but, if a high school child has high absence, there's nothing much happens except they'd be taken out of exam streams. I think the authority can act but they just don't for teenagers.

They probably would for primary aged kids.

Awful how they treated you in the meeting @Theordinary A little tip that I used to use when i had multiple school meetings for DS2 and school staff just thought i was a frumpy housewife was to arrive at each meeting with a lever arch file under my arm. I had some hosp reports in there about him but had filled it up a bit with childminding paperwork!!

Really made them take me more seriously.

However, it was a one particularly fraught high school meeting when they were speaking to me as if i knew very little that i did reveal to them that i was a trained speech &lang therapist. I had not practised for years but was doing a return to practice course that year so felt on top of my game a bit more.
I remember one of the teaching staff in particular fumbling over her words! I won my argument but i felt i had been through a battle.

They did treat me with more reverance after that!

It might be worth taking DH to any future meetings, dress in suits and take the file full of @1spinforward2back 's information! That will let them know you are not going to be defeated (even if you feel it!)

Thank you for taking the time to post @DarkChocHolic and @Anisty . I felt all fired up when I went in. It was quite relentless. I will take the tip of taking a folder next time. Goodness knows I've got enough to fill a folder with! It's true that our kids are the toughest of all, and us parent too. I often wish we didn't have to be though.
I also got told off because I took him home after the meeting! They thought he was just going to slot back in to lessons as easily as that. I could see how stressed he was after the meeting and made the decision to take him home. I stand by that decision
(shakily but I still do!)

Schools really aren't helping kids by trying to fit them into this 'one size fits all' agenda. It seems schools in England are more concerned about keeping attendance targets up. Not good.

You know what's best for your child @Theordinary !! Never cower to the system. There's absolutely no sense in forcing an anxious child into an anxiety-making situation.

It's akin to pushing a wheel chair bound person towards a cliff edge and thinking they will suddenly leap out of the chair and run!

You did the right thing yesterday, for sure. Hope today is better for you all.

@Theordinary 🍪☕for you. I am sorry you had to go through that, what a bunch of ***. You did the right thing taking him home. I wish schools would listen, yes they know education but we know are children. We are a source of information yet instead we are treated like obstacles.

Thank you all for your support yesterday when I really needed it. He's gone in today!! I can't quite believe it. Hope everyone's having an OK day.

Hooray @Theordinary !! Amazing news! Glad your day is better than yesterday and hope tomorrow also goes well.

Dd back from her overnighter at her pal's. She decided she doesn't want to share any of her news with me. Fair enough! But doesn't seem in a particularly bad (or good) mood.

In her bedroom cuddling cats most likely.

Tomorrow i go in to do the parent interview and, to make absolutely sure i am not late, i have decided to get the 6.30 a.m. bus. That means getting up 5.30. Though i might skip my usual morning shower and lie in til 5.45!

I have booked myself breakfast in town at a nice looking place right by the clinic so, once i have woken up on the bus, i think i will enjoy my early start.

Next bus leaves 7.30 and is due in at 8.30. That would be ok for the 9.15 appt if it is on time. But in rush hour traffic, it could easily be half hour late.

And with the cost of the assessments, i definitely don't want to chance it.

DH will be away to work in the car. Leaving dd with the dogs again🙉🤣

Thanks @Anisty one day back at school out the way and more importantly he seems fairly happy about it. Sounds like you've got a busy day tomorrow. I hope it all goes well.

Glad today went well @Theordinary. If you haven’t already, follow up the meeting with an email outlining what was discussed. This creates a paper trail as evidence if you need it in the future.

Well i have arrived at the clinic! Or the cafe next to the clinic anyway. So i will not be late for the appt, and no rushing.

Managed to shoot out of bed at 5.40 am no bother at all. Quite the miracle!

Finished at the clinic. The clinician there feels dd will meet criteria and noticed a few things about her on the first meet which i had never noticed before - stereo typed phrases being one. I am going to have to closely listen in as i have not noticed that before.

When i went over the history though, the clinician did identify that dd probably managed so well at primary school because i was home all the time and had minded kids the same age as dd always before and after school which provided a scaffold for her.

When she started high school, all that fell away as i don't take high school aged kids so she was then on her own with social relationships. I thought that was an interesting observation. But so true.

@Anisty
Glad your early day went as planned.
Nice you planned for a good breakfast to begin the day 😀 I like your style...
Like you, I found the ASD assessment gave me an insight I never would have thought of.
I always suspected adhd (inattentive) In DD but I didn't expect the asc diagnosis.
Having said that, the ados report was spot on about her troubles with reciprocal communication, inability to articulate for her age etc.
I was like "OMG, it's so true" when I read it.

Hope everyone is coping OK.
@ordinary..hope you, DS and DD are better today. What a difficult week you have had! Bless you.

Update from us. College seems to go ok for DD. She doesn't talk much about new friends so am hoping she isn't lonely. We have seen the low mood creeping up past few days.
She is on her first pill free week so I am hoping it's the hormones all over the place.
Fingers crossed..I know we all have bad days but I don't think I want to go back to where we were last year with the self harm and the multiple overdoses.
Xx