Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 7)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Goodness,seventh thread!
Welcome back to those who have been on board with me since the days DS was first struggling,and hello to new faces

This thread is for those who care for anxious teens.some of us have diagnosis of ASD/anxiety/depression,others are encountering and navigating escalating symptoms that are starting to prove troublesome

This is a safe,non judgemental space to share ideas,offload worries and provide support and kind words for those deep in the trenches

We get how utterly exhausting it can be and are not afraid to celebrate the small wins that in regular circles would be deemed as insignificant as participating in "normal activities"

@Anisty we didn't have school obs either as DD had stopped being able to go to school full stop by that point, although school did complete a form (which wasn't very comprehensive). However, they had plenty to go on with our parent interview plus the ADOS with DD. To be honest, when I read the report, I couldn't believe I'd ever been in any doubt! Even if your DD doesn't reach the criteria for a diagnosis, if done properly, the report should still indicate any areas of difficulty and give advice based on those. So I don't think you'd be left without any useful info.

Very true! DD says she always feels like the spare wheel in groups - it would have been interesting for professionals to have observed her with a group of girls. But reports from school would be hopeless - school will not have noticed anything.

Yes, i remember that parent interview from DS2. Very thorough! No wonder the NHS wait list is so long - it does take many hours to gather all the info together.

The report we got for DS2 was very comprehensive indeed - quite a few pages long. And with ideas to help him. Hopefully we will get something similar for DD.

@Anisty the spare wheel thing and going under the radar at school ring true for my DD too. I was so relieved when an OT brought up the possibility of autism as no other professional had ever suggested that to us, even though I'd wondered for a long time, and I wasn't sure if I was reading into things too much. I thought DD had been too sociable over the years to have a diagnosis of autism but it became more and more obvious she was struggling socially as she got older and the conversations became more complex. Well behaved, conscientious and quiet girls often go unnoticed at school it seems. Plus the teachers don't see the amount of scaffolding by parents that is going on behind the scenes at home!

@SpookySpoon22 - oh yes, our DDs do sound similar! I will go back through this thread to get to 'know' your DD a bit more.

My DD managed (and loved!) all the social stuff as a kid - kids' parties, sleepovers etc. She was never exhausted by those. It's the teen stuff. Especially long bitchy conversations. She doesn't mind a bit of goss but she finds it pointless spending entire social meets slagging off others.

I think she just finds a lot of teen convo a bit pointless really. It's only become more obvious since about the age of 15. But it's been tricky to spot what with her starting high school in Covid year (2020) and then all these gynae issues with her periods.

I do feel sad for both my girls as teen years were some of my best. I loved all the parties, out drinking, going to fairs and boys! Such good years and i just remember laughing and laughing til i was just about dead! And, yes, i'm sure some of that laughing would have been over a bitchy comment!!

All part of being female isn't it!

Hello All, sorry I've not been on here much lately, I hope everyone's OK.
I'm asking for some advice. My DS is 13 and for the last few weeks has been finding it increasingly difficult to get to school on time and now is seemingly too anxious to go at all. He's missed several days now. He witnessed my DD last year drop out of school with a mental health crisis. I don't think we're quite at that point yet with him but we just can't get him into school. He says he feels tense and on edge all the time at school. Its a big busy comp in a not amazing area. There's been some bullying too for 2 years and not much has improved for him. He struggles with the behaviour expectations and is getting constant logs and detentions. It's a hostile environment for a child with both adhd and ASD. The school are pretty crap to be honest. I'm wondering whether we should just take him out altogether? I won't un enrol him but I'm thinking of getting some online tuition. Trouble is neither I or my husband can give up work so we would be relying on DS to be able to work unsupervised. Any idea what we can do? I can't believe I'm back here again to be honest! Help, please!!

@Anisty good luck with the ADOS and ADI-R.

@Theordinary I would speak to the SENCO. What support is the school providing? If DS can’t attend school the LA has a duty to ensure he still receives a suitable full-time education. This should begin as soon as it becomes clear 15 days will be missed and by the sixth day of absence by the latest. IPSEA has a model letter you can use for this. I would also get the ball rolling for an EHCNA.

Thank you @1spinforward2back I should be an expert with all this, having done this in January for DD. DH is finding it hard to get his head around. He's still holding on to the hope that tough love is the way forward. I just know nothing has worked so far. Even taking away screens has made no difference at all.

Took me a while to find your posts @SpookySpoon22 ! But got there in the end! So I see your DD is working away from home, is she 16/17 too? How is the online course going?

@Theordinary - sorry to here about this situation with your DS. I am in Scotland so don't know the English system at all. Sounds very difficult. Is there an advocacy service in England?

I used an Independant advocate to help my DS2 get his needs met in high school and they were very good. It is a free service in Scotland. They advocate for the child though, not the parent.

Thanks for the luck @1spinforward2back 🙂

In news here, DD has enjoyed her day today but apparently now is not keen on Thursdays as they have split the class into 2 groups and she is with a load of girls that live together in halls and have lots of shared banter that she can't take part in.

Her pals in the other group are going to see if they can get switched to her group.

She is on holiday (at home!) next week and the week after. She has had some invites from her old school pals - a sleepover and a party so she's looking forward to those.

@Anisty sorry, I've not posted much as I don't always have the energy at the moment as things feel a bit overwhelming. Yes, my DD is currently DD doing online courses from home and is in the equivalent of year 12. It's been really hard because she's needed a lot of support from me but she's been highly stressed so I've been bearing the brunt of that (it's lucky we've got a close relationship but I never signed up to be teacher!). I've had to take a month off work to get things under control but things are still up in the air for one of the courses so I feel a bit between a rock and a hard place regarding going back to work next week. I know she'll still need me but I can't take any more time off.

@SpookySpoon22 is year 12 A level year? Sorry, i am in Scotland so we don't have year 12.

We have S1-6 at high school level where S5 would be Highers and S6 Advanced Highers.

DD left end of S4 this year with Nat 5s (equiv to GCSE)

Yes, that must be so tough having to juggle work. I am in the very fortunate position that I always worked at home as a childminder but DD is our youngest so, as the older ones left home, our costs reduced and I barely do any paid work now. Only about 10 hours per week!

So i have far too much time to spend with DD. I'd like to say we are close but we are so dissimilar! I think i might lean towards the adhd side as i am a chatterbox and love all the things she does not. I think this autism in our family has come from DH. He is quiet and i am loud. How i have ended up in a full family of ASDs, I don't know. I think i am incompatible with the entire family tbh🙉

DD does make me laugh though - she has a very dry sense of humour. I think she'd prefer it if I did go out to work and she had the house to herself more but I'm dug in like a tick here.

Could your DD get a tutor (either online or visit her at home) for the subject she struggles with?

@Anisty yes, year 12 is A-level year or the equivalent but obviously DD isn't going that route at the moment! Regarding work, I'm also lucky that I'm part time but still find it a juggling act at the moment with DD home full-time. I hear you on the spending so much time together! I often feel like the only neurotypical one in my house as DH struggles with conversation that doesn't centre around topics he knows about. I survive by going a bit goofy here and there!

Good suggestion on the tutoring but we're already too far down this route to backtrack just now. I was promised tutors but it turns out they aren't qualified teachers and more like study support mentors but DD needs more than that. Am definitely rethinking this next year. In the meantime, work are giving me some flexibility around how I do my hours. It just means that I have to give myself to everyone at all times....or at least that's how it feels at times.

@Theordinary it's so tough isn't it?! Schools just don't act quickly enough in my opinion when a child starts struggling to go into school. We were very open about what DD needed and kept the lines of communication open with school, attended meetings and requested them. They tried part time timetables, learning in student services, reintegrating into classes and time out cards but did nothing much to actually support her and make changes that would help her. They finally agreed to more support but it was too late by then. In the end, they referred DD to our local medical education provision for year 11 and DD was able to have online learning through them.

Ah yes, our DDs must be a similar age then, @SpookySpoon22 ? Mine just turned 17.
Yes, DS 2 described me as 'loopy' at his recent hospital appt!! I actually do express emotion, whereas my dc can be quite monotone, making them appear very calm and measured on the outside.

In fact, i tend to externalise all emotion and that's what stresses DD, who internalises all hers. My day is a constant series of "wows' and "oh, no! Disaster!"

DD pointed this out with her usual dry hilarity last week when she said I am far too expressive. She said my 'wows' are usually very low key and a disaster usually means I forgot the oatcakes! So true!

Well - almost a year since DD's od AND my Granddaughter's first birthday! 4th October. Both occurred the same day though no connection whatsoever between the two. Talk about yin and yang!

In other news, DD today received a telephone hospital appt which is a "pre surgery" appt. Must be for the laporoscopy. Maybe she won't have too long a wait after all. . . .

Gorgeous, sunny day here in Scotland. Hope everyone is getting through their day ok and has a bit of sunshine too.

@Anisty my DD is turning 17 soon, so a similar age. I laughed out loud at your DD's description of you expressing your emotions! I'm definitely more a wear my heart on my sleeve kind of person, which I have to be careful of as both DH and DD can feed off how I am. Thankfully DD and I can have a right laugh together at times, which helps gives some light relief from the tough bits.

I'm sorry to hear about your DD's od a year ago. I hope the 4th October this year isn't too tough and brings happier memories, especially being your granddaughter's birthday. Dates can be strange things for sure.

That's great your DD's pre-surgery appt has come through quickly.

Hope everyone else is doing OK and able to find some joy amidst the stresses of life.

Morning All, I hope everyone is managing OK. We've got some lovely early morning sunshine today and Its my day off work at last. Today I need to compete the ehcpna form for one child and make a start on the PIP application form for the other! It's looking likely my DS will be at home today again. That's all of this week he's missed now from school. With my DD it was much more obvious that she wasn't coping at school. The meltdowns and the rages and tears every evening. With DS it's different. He doesn't show his emotions as much. I keep wondering is it Can't go to school or Won't go to school! How do I know which it is?

We do have some laughs for sure @SpookySpoon22 - her impressions of me are very accurate so she is good at observing human behaviour. Likewise with her peers at school she observed "They just go around making drama about other people's lives. I am really not interested!"

4th October i won't actually see much of DD at all. Not any deliberate ploy to avoid the date. It fell on a wednesday last year so it kind of passed yesterday. I'm away up North (i'm in Scotland but DD1 is much more Northerly!) seeing DD1, something planned ages and ages ago.

And DH will be SE England seeing our Granddaughter on her birthday. That leaves DS2, 3 and DD2 at home though they will all be out at work/support group/college. So i might see her tom morn depending on what time she leaves. I will be back Saturday. Can't leave DS 2 very long but 1 night with his sibs he will manage and he gets the bus himself to his Friday activity and Saturday job. DS 3 is able and will make sure they all get fed.

That does not sound easy @Theordinary . Is it actually worth going to school is my question these days as, certainly in Scotland since Covid, schools are of dubious value (that is only my opinion lol!)

The curriculum in England is superior i believe. I was just fortunate that all of mine were good attenders. I suggested to DD that she stopped at Christmas but she was determined to keep going to pass her exams, otherwise she felt her efforts to that point would have been in vain.

And, to my surprise, she just got on and did it. I think knowing she only had to get to April was what spurred her on. From May it was study leave.

Could your DS go in if he has an arrangement with you and school that he is free to come home again if it is too much? Is there any subject teacher and clasd he finds easier? I suppose the more he stays out, the more anxious he feels about going in and then it becomes impossible.

Maybe even if he went in, say, at 2pm. Then he knows he cannot be tricked into doing a full day. I think maybe putting that control in his hands might be the way forward?

Maybe try for just the last lesson of the day tomorrow and then he has the weekend.

Very warm and sunny here again today. That has to boost spirits!

@Theordinary
Sorry to hear DS is struggling with school.
I know it must be a worry for you everyday. I remember having a knot in my stomach as I used to wake DD and ask her the question if she would go.
And then on the days she went, carrying the phone everywhere..even to the loo in case school called.

Would DS work at home if school sent work in?
Could you fight for reduced days or 2 to 3 half days ...only if he thinks he would manage that.
What year is he in?

Xx

@Anisty
Glad about the pre Appointment.
Things are progressing which is good.
Xx

Hi @DarkChocHolic he's in year 9. I've got a meeting next week with the attendance officer. I've given them a letter from the GP surgery about his anxiety so hopefully that's enough to make them out the absence down as authorised.
@Anisty i must admit I was laughing at your recent post! I'm limping along here trying to chill the F out. I'm going to take each day as it comes! Jeeze it's hard work!

Lol! Glad my post gave you a bit of light relief @Theordinary 🤣 Hope today is better than yesterday🙂

@theordinary it's so hard to know what is the right path to take. With my dd we asked school to help lower her anxiety by getting all her teachers to avoid asking her direct questions in class plus we removed any non essential activities from her timetable. This helped but she still never had a full week at school in her last two years.

An update, since classes have started things have improved, it is quite a full timetable so she is being kept busy. She is settling well with the course, her classmates and teachers. She still finds it tricky living with people she doesn't fully feel at ease with but they are friendly/nice so she is trying her best to just deal with it. I am hoping the progress continues and she gets more used to university living. I think she will always text me venting, and it will always stress me out!

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Sounds very positive @Okisenough - long may it continue!

October 4th passed uneventfully. I didn't actually see dd at all that day as she left the house about 7am, before i got up. I then went North to see DD1.

I was back 5th, to find DD struggling with the dogs🤣 We have one, old slow one that is very easy when i am there, but he had been going around the house looking for me and whining which was annoying for dd.

The other is a very high energy, working bred dog and needs mental as well as physical exercise. DD had taken both dogs for a walk but that just was not enough.

So i came back to a stressed dd and a dog that looked as if it hadn't been out for years!!

A few games of tuggy and an energetic ball throw and hunt the dummy session on a patch of grass near us settled her right down and dd and i went away to the caff for lunch.

DH got home yesterday from GDs birthday party. Realised how dysfunctional that all sounds that i went North and he went South!! There is a simple explanation: dd1 and i booked theatre tickets for a show in her home town about a year ago, well before the party invite.

Then, when the invite came, dh and i thought it would be nice for our ds to have someone from our side of the family at his dd's birthday party. Our dd was invited but definitely did not want to go - hence she was on dog sitting duty!

I didn't really owe any explanation; just don't want you thinking we are a bunch of weirdos that randomly take off all over the country, leaving dd with the dogs!

Hope the week goes well for all! Dd is on hol from college the next 2weeks and has a sleepover at a pal's tom night (just her; not a party) so she is looking forward to that.

Sorry this is a very delayed reply to your very good advice. Its been quite a stressful couple of weeks. DS has gone to uni, and we (and his therapist) have given him very similar advice to what you have suggested. He still hasn't got to step one yet unfortunately - he won't join the flat WhatsApp chat.

On the first day he hid in his room, which we expected, but the next day he bumped into one of his flatmates on his way out to uni and they actually had a small chat. We thought this was a really positive step, but since then he's been seemingly terrified of them. They've occasionally knocked on his door and put notes through asking him if he wants to join the WhatsApp group, but he won't answer the door and won't join the group, so communication has only been via notes under the door. The student welfare people came to see him (I presume called by his flatmates) and he did answer the door for them (I assume there were a bit more persistent) but he told them everything was fine because he wanted them to go away, so they didn't really say/do much.

He goes into the kitchen at 6am and makes food for lunch before anyone else is awake, and then hides in his room in the evening. He's bought a travel kettle so he's having pot noodle type food in his room. He's not even dared to take his rubbish out (not sure why) so he has a bin bag of rubbish festering in his room. He's been home at weekends and then dreads going back - he texts us when he's outside the flat not daring to go in. He said he did bump into one of his flatmates in the week and they said hello, but he couldn't even say hello - he just ran into his room.😥

We can see how stressed he is and so suggested looking into moving into a studio flat so he has his own kitchen and can relax in the evening rather than being on edge the whole time, but surprisingly he's said he wants to give it until Christmas to see if he can make it work. I'm really proud of him for wanting to try, but I do really worry that the longer it goes on with him ignoring his flatmates the worse its going to get for him - I feel for them too, it can't be nice having a flatmate who ignores you.

On the positive side, he's been into all his induction activities and lectures and he's enjoyed the content of the course so far - he really wants to continue to do it. Part of me wants to get involved and speak to the uni and try to get some support for him, but part of me thinks we need leave him to it as we can't force things. I've just started to dread every time I get a message from him, as I can only give advice but I can't take his anxiety away. When I've not heard from him for a while I sometimes fool myself into thinking its because he's made a friend and is busy having a coffee with them or something, and then it feels even more worrying when he does message and he just hadn't replied because he was feeling sad.😥

Sorry to hear this, @SqueezyCheesyPeasy . I have been in this position with DS3 (and we thought he was the NT one!)
Ds3 started uni in 2020 which was not a great time to start as all teaching was online.
I think, any other year, he'd have been fine. The first year he got on great with his flatmates, all a great laugh and he loved it. But after the first year, his flat mates packed their courses in or went home.

That left him with no one to share with so he got a room in a private uni accomodation. The last available room next to the kitchen and all girls.

Because the girls went about as a big group and had boyfriends back, that kitchen got very rowdy. There was actually quite a bit of damage done. And DS3 showed the exact same behaviour as your lad.

He had self diagnosed with social anxiety and, pretty soon, he could not go into the kitchen.

His course remained largely online (it was a software engineering degree)
However, he found himself an online girlfriend in America and that saw him through 2 years. He spent 2 fabulous summers in America and had no trouble at all making a 3 plane journey by himself there and back, he was fine over there and managed a job over there no problem. He returned to his flat term times but was in constant online chat with the gf.

However, Christmas 2022, there was more partying and damage in the kitchen and a meeting was called. DS obvs said he had not taken part in it and at that point he asked to move back home.

As lectures were still largely online, we agreed to this. He completed his course from home (got a first!) Relationship with gf broke up.

He got his confidence back working in a charity shop first, then got paid shop work and he is still at home, working away at his CV but also out in his shop job every day and he seems happy and fine.

Im sure he would go back to how he was though if in that situation again.

Moving into the studio flat might be the way forward - especially as he is coping otherwise. I totally understand your worry. I have a friend whose dd is in this same situation. It seems to be a common thing these days.

@Anisty@Anisty

Oh my goodness I'm having a real faff trying to reply on here! Sorry for the 2 names @Anisty I was just reading your post about your son. It's quite encouraging to hear how he made small steps towards independence. It's worth me remembering that at times.
I hope everyone else is OK. I haven't the energy to answer each one at the moment.
Our situation is not much better. Got my DS still too anxious to go to school. Letter from surgery not accepted for proof of his anxiety as it was a telephone consultation not face to face. The attendance women is a real jobs worth. I took him to the GP today and she's written me another letter. I hope this will be enough for them to authorise his absences.
My DD has had her planned day off college today and has been in bed for all of it so far. She's showing some worrying signs of autistic burnout. I'm worried college is too much for her. Life is hard at the moment. I'm tired, drinking too much wine and generally not looking after myself well. I need to start looking after myself as well as everyone else. It's exhausting. I know you all must feel the same way.