Please or to access all these features

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 7)

1000 replies

Stilllivinginazoo · 27/12/2023 05:05

Goodness,seventh thread!
Welcome back to those who have been on board with me since the days DS was first struggling,and hello to new faces

This thread is for those who care for anxious teens.some of us have diagnosis of ASD/anxiety/depression,others are encountering and navigating escalating symptoms that are starting to prove troublesome

This is a safe,non judgemental space to share ideas,offload worries and provide support and kind words for those deep in the trenches

We get how utterly exhausting it can be and are not afraid to celebrate the small wins that in regular circles would be deemed as insignificant as participating in "normal activities"

OP posts:
Anisty · 21/09/2024 22:07

I get where he's coming from with his thinking, @SqueezyCheesyPeasy but, with anxiety, there's a huge risk with the throwing in at the deep end approach resulting in panic attacks and breakdown.

With anxiety, difficult situations must be tackled in baby steps. Getting totally comfortable with each little bit before progressing.

So, if he possibly can let his flatmates know he does struggle a bit at first and he probably won't be in the kitchen right away, that would be good (often there's a flat whatsapp chat and he can pop it on there - students are very friendly and understanding about these things )

Then he might be able to set small challenges - come out of his room and listen for noise in the kitchen, then return to room.

  • move to kitchen and peep in if no one there.

This sort of gradual exposure can be effective.

But i do think if he gets home of a weekend, the whole thing won't be so overwhelming and he has a 5 day countdown, which breaks things up a bit too.

If he's coping, he can stretch this out.

The risk with going at it full on, pushing himself right out of his comfort zone big time too is that, if he realises it's too much and comes back to live at home - or retreats to his room shut away, that almost validates to his subconscious that the kitchen and people are very frightening and he must stay away. That sends the adrenaline levels sky high and he will get those panic symptoms next time he tries - palpitations, frozen in fear, sweats, dizzy, sick etc.

So - gentle baby steps with his difficult areas. A uni counsellor could help put a plan together with him and check in to see how he goes with it.

Good luck for tomorrow!! Really hope it goes well for you all!

Okisenough · 22/09/2024 00:47

Just an update. Dropped off dd today, she was meant to meet up with some of her course mates but she was so exhausted that she went to bed early! Despite her bravado, I think she did find the whole experience quite anxiety inducing, new place, new people and no home comforts/safety. This in turn made me anxious but at the same time I have to respect the fact she chose to rest rather than push herself. Hopefully, she will be well rested in the morning, ready to get on with her new life.

Sigh, being parents to our dcs, is not for the faint hearted! And breathe.

Anisty · 22/09/2024 09:03

Aw @Okisenough - your DD sounds like mine! She is knackered this week too🤣

DarkChocHolic · 22/09/2024 09:49

@Okisenough
I think the build up to such events or milestones is immense for everyone in the family- more so the young person.
And tbh, I think there is a lot of pressure on enjoying freshers week, doing it a certain way and making the most of it. I have read many posts on MN stating that even NT kids struggle with the whole experience of packing up, leaving home, immediately being plunged into a million social events, and it's all too much.

Your DD will hopefully find her own rhythm and her people in time
I can imagine how nerve racking it is for you. I would be the same,constantly checking my phone or life 360.
I hope you have some distractions lined up for you in the next few days.
Xx

DarkChocHolic · 22/09/2024 09:50

@SqueezyCheesyPeasy
Hope the drop off went well.
Big hugs to you.
Xx

Okisenough · 22/09/2024 12:10

@SqueezyCheesyPeasy thinking of you and your ds today.

@DarkChocHolic @Anisty thanks. She seems to be cracking on now, made food, washedup, and got to know her flatmates. Also already wondering how after only one day, the bins are full! Yes will need to distract myself over the next few days.

DarkChocHolic · 22/09/2024 14:39

@Okisenough
Glad to hear. Just what you need her to be doing :-)

Anisty · 22/09/2024 14:52

@Okisenough - sorry I hadn't appreciated your DD is away to Uni! (you know I am pretty new to the thread; forgive me) Sounds as if she's started off on the right foot and that's a very positive report for the first day! Full bins sounds about right for students!

Hope all continues well and you find some suitable distractions!

Anisty · 24/09/2024 15:56

Arrrrrrrrghhhhhhhh!!!!!!

NHS is not set up for our DC at all!!

So - i called the waiting list extension at the hospital today to check if DD had been added to the wait list for the laporoscopy and coil fit. I had spoken to the secretary last week who said she would add her, but after our experience of being kicked out of CAMHS, I thought double checking would be good. As the last thing we want is for DD to be kicked out of gynae too.

Well of course she is not on the list. The secretary is not back til next week. I did speak to another secretary who told me there has been no letter generated and no outcomes (of her appointment) decided so her case is in limbo. Apparantly, had DD said there and then she wanted to go ahead, the system automatically generates a referral letter and the dept then adds her to the surgery wait list.

Only the consultant can press the button to generate the letter. And that is normally done at the appt.

So - if DD needs another appt to see the consultant, she could have lost a good 8 months wait time.

Soooooooooooooo frustrating.

DarkChocHolic · 24/09/2024 19:25

@Anisty
What a nightmare and it is good that you called to check.
I hope someone can sort this out for you.
Until then, just be a pain in people's backsides if you need to!
Xx

Anisty · 25/09/2024 00:37

I absolutely will not be letting this lie @DarkChocHolic ! This is the ONLY good thing that came from DDs CAMHS involvement.

They assured me she'd be put as top priority for autism asst before she left school and then, with no warning, they discharged her!

Once bitten, twice shy!

DD goes for her private autism asst tomorrow. And then we're making a day of it by visiting a chocolate experience place so hopefully we will have a good day together!

Okisenough · 25/09/2024 14:07

@Anisty so rubbish that you have to do that. They should just do as they promised. Something similar happened to my dm about a procedure, she waited and waited and GP just kept saying you have to wait, there is a long waiting list then she saw another doctor who said hmmm let me just check and she found out they never got the referral! She waited probably a year more than she had to because of this.

It's a bit up and down here. I think dd is still finding her feet, on the surface things seem ok and she's getting on ok but I think emotionally she's slightly all over the place with regular texts to me about what she hates but when I speak to her she seems ok. The change is a lot for her especially as she stayed in the same school for 7 years. I know she just uses texting to get things off her chest and her anxiety means she needs to do this a lot but I do find it quite triggering! I am watching the bitesize partnering not parenting youtube videos to remind me not to step in and try and fix things. I think it will all work out in the end, however, that looks, just need to be patient and not panic! Hope all of your dc are having a good week and you are all well.

DarkChocHolic · 25/09/2024 22:24

@Okisenough
I know what you mean when DDs anxiety is triggering you.
I read somewhere we need to be a thermostat to their emotions rather than a thermometer.
If only it were that simple!

Does DD expect an immediate response from you? Do you have to look at her messages as soon as she sends them?
Maybe for the first few weeks, don't look at your phone as much? I know it's super hard.
Something that DDs eating disorder therapist said to me "what happens if you don't respond to her ?"
I try sitting in silence when DD is emotionally dysregulated especially over her body image. One of the hardest things I have to do but it actually works when I actually don't say anything.

DarkChocHolic · 25/09/2024 22:25

@Anisty
Good luck for the asc assessment tomorrow.
Hope you have cake and wine for the evening after the draining day.
Xx

Okisenough · 25/09/2024 23:08

@DarkChocHolic Thanks, yes I have been reading a lot about active listening instead of problem solving so am trying not to advise or counsel her with my replies. I think for her this texting is a way to vent and express her frustration because in real life, she presents a more calm & happy persona. I don't think she necessarily needs an immediate response. I have turned off the sounds as that ping is not pleasant to me! I am a little annoyed at myself because I knew that unlike many of her peers due to her stress/anxiety, I have kept home life very low demand so she has very little experience of life skills. I did suggest we tried to do some of these things over the summer but she was always too 'busy' so going to university is a bit like a baptism of fire for her. I am reminding myself to have faith in her and it's early days.
I have also discovered there is an ND support department which I have forwarded details to her and I think is worth pursuing. But I will let her make the decision. I am so thankful I have this thread as writing my worries down and discussing it with all of you helps to stop me panicking and doing something that makes things worse.

On a different note, I was reading today about emotional maturity/executive function and ADHD/ND. According to this article, ND people won't reach the maturity levels of a 21 year old until late 20s/early 30s!

Take care everyone.

Anisty · 26/09/2024 00:18

Went for the autism asst this morning! Just the initial assessment this morning. Nightmare on the bus - thought we had booked an early enough bus as it was supposed to get in for 9.50 a.m but it was stop start traffic all the way into the city and never arrived til 10.25!

I had called them from bus to say we'd be late but were en route. Got there just over 5 mins late.

It was a speech and language therapist that saw us today. I did not say that i am a trained speech and language therapist too! (But out of practice many years as I gave it up to be a childminder)

She was really good and I think she did pick up a few things about DD for sure - enough to go forth with an ADOS.

She gave DD the CAT-Q test to do at home (a questionnaire about masking behaviours)

Next step is that i will need to go back there on my own to go over DDs history.
Then DD goes by herself to do the ADOS

And then we both go back to get feedback.

We had a good time at the chocolate experience. DD in a great mood so we changed the bus time for return to a later one and hit the shops!

DD likes the short skirts in Superdry so she tried on some size 10 (which would be her normal size) and some 8s. But they were quite wide around the waist. Finally found one in a 6 which fit perfectly but wasn't the colour she wanted so came away empty handed but she'll be able to get the right one online.

Don't think she's been losing weight; she eats well. I think Superdry must be on the large size as she definitely is slim but not size 6 skinny.

@Okisenough - it's good that DD is keeping in touch even though it's triggering for you - better that than putting her phone off and being uncontactable! Hope she settles into her studies and it is managable for her. Yes - i know that desire to be 'the fixer!' It is quite the skill to hold back and listen - especially for a chatterbox like me! I bet you are better at it than i am lol!

Thanks @DarkChocHolic ! No wine but LOTS of chocolate today! Yum!! DD coped well and nothing too draining today. I myself am definitely not autistic so I don't really get any drained feelings at all. It is possible i lean towards the adhd side though! Dd and I are possibly not always the best matched mum and daughter and i have bundles of energy, chat and am very sociable whereas she does get exhausted by too much of the social! She does do some very funny impressions of me and we do have a lot of laughs sometimes but we are really different🤣

Hope everyone's week continues well🙂

Anisty · 26/09/2024 09:55

Yay! Just had a call from gyneacology - DD now added to the 'urgent' list.

The secretary said she wasn't sure how long the urgent wait time is but the non urgent is 102 (yes, one HUNDRED AND TWO!) weeks!!!!

Our wonderful NHS!

DarkChocHolic · 26/09/2024 15:15

@Anisty
Glad to hear about the urgent list.
Fingers crossed the wait is not quite the same as non-urgent.

DarkChocHolic · 26/09/2024 15:20

@Okisenough
Hope each day is a new learning experience for DD in life skills.
Like you we operate on zero demand for DD.
And because we don't expect from DD, I don't expect DS to do much either.
I know they should be cooking and doing much more by now. It will come when they need it is the hope.

I have similarly read about the brain development in ND kids not completing a good few years later than their peers.
30 seems such a long time away 😞
To be honest, DD seems so much more cheerful after she dropped out of her old school. It's a treat not to have to see her in bed all day, blinds drawn staring at the ceiling.
Her incredibly messy bedroom strangely doesn't bother me so much (most of the time)
Rest of the house is a different story though. I should hover on the housekeeping board on MN for a change!

Xx

MinionKevin · 26/09/2024 20:54

@Okisenough i think going to uni is hard. I look back at myself then and I was not prepared at all.

we are doing okay. Myself and DD had this long stomach bug and she missed school for a week and I had a letter from school about attendance. It just couldn’t be helped though.
Apart from that she has been going in well, the more she goes in the better it gets. She’s super smart and she’s getting a chance to show that now and it’s helping her confidence.
The only problem is that sometimes her friends do things and don’t invite her, probably because for 4 years she said no to everything or been absent all the time. Now she’s keen! I know they got bored of asking. I’ve told her she needs to keep her attendance up and then they’ll know she’s really about now. It’s hard to manage. So she’s organising something in the holidays instead for them to come to. Hopefully makes a difference.

Okisenough · 26/09/2024 23:03

@MinionKevin Hope you and dd are both fully recovered. Glad to hear that dd's confidence is growing and I think her organising something for her friends in the holidays is a very positive move.

Anisty · 27/09/2024 13:43

That does sound promising @MinionKevin ! Fingers crossed she has built some immunity against Winter bugs now she's fought off that stomach bug and she can start joining in with her pals.🤞

Anisty · 30/09/2024 14:30

Hope everyone's ok so far this week.

Got 2 further appts today - 10th oct, i go in for a 2 hour meet to gather DDs history by myself.

20 somethingth - DD goes in for the ADOS. So, hopefully, we will have a result by November.

Though DD has told me she is really hoping the diagnosis will be that she's 'normal' (in her words)

I have a feeling that she will be found to be ASD, but we will see. DD did agree to the assessment but i did not realise, in her mind, she's expecting it to rule out ASD. Hmmmmm. Not sure how this will go.

SpookySpoon22 · 30/09/2024 18:04

That's good you have the appointment dates @Anisty I hope that no matter the outcome, it is delivered in a positive way. The SLT who delivered the ASD diagnosis to my DD sent her a lovely positive letter which really helped. It still took a while to sink in and there were some tough questions to answer, so be kind to yourselves as it's normal (for you both) to feel a range of emotions (although I think you already know this and have been there before with other DCs if I remember correctly!). Whatever the outcome, hopefully in time it will be helpful for you both.

Anisty · 30/09/2024 22:27

Thanks, @SpookySpoon22 ! Yes, I'm pleased we have the appointments. They won't do a school obs of course, as they did with DS2 and I'm kicking myself for not going down this route a couple of years ago, but honestly, we had no idea DD was struggling at school as much as she was. Everything has been clouded by her period problems.

At least we are here now. If she doesn't fit the criteria for asd, i will be stumped! But will cross that bridge if we come to it.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is not accepting new messages.