Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 7)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Goodness,seventh thread!
Welcome back to those who have been on board with me since the days DS was first struggling,and hello to new faces

This thread is for those who care for anxious teens.some of us have diagnosis of ASD/anxiety/depression,others are encountering and navigating escalating symptoms that are starting to prove troublesome

This is a safe,non judgemental space to share ideas,offload worries and provide support and kind words for those deep in the trenches

We get how utterly exhausting it can be and are not afraid to celebrate the small wins that in regular circles would be deemed as insignificant as participating in "normal activities"

Just a wee update here - DD went to college and a new girl's started who's joined DD's group of 3. DD seems quite accepting of this at the moment as the new girl is chatty and loves musical theatre. DD loves musical theatre too so she thinks she's found a kindrid spirit here.

Past history though is that DD does NOT generally like new people joining friendship groups. She doesn't ever seem to feel confident in her friendships(which would fit with autism maybe) She wants friends, can make friends but always feel like the spare wheel in a larger group (larger meaning 3 plus!)

However she did get off to an unfortunate start at primary when she bonded closely with a girl from the travelling community who kept coming and going - DDs heart was broken each time she left. And then she had another friend that was neither loyal nor trustworthy. So maybe those factors broke her confidence too.

Just need to see and keep🤞

I've got my fingers crossed for you @Anisty hopefully she's found someone to share her interests. I'm always stupidly happy when mine make new friends. It's been so lonely for them both at times.

@Anisty
Fingers crossed for her!
She sounds exactly like my DD when it comes to making and keeping friends.

Thanks, you two! Watch this space! She's been off today as no college Wednesday and in happy spirits.

Thurs is her long day when she's out until 7pm. The new girl that's started drives and lives in the same town as one of the girls that DD had already befriended. So i think these 2 girls will lift-share. Hopefully DD won't feel too left out if they are always arriving and leaving together.

Though this new girl has turned a 3 strong group to 4 strong. Which means if those two split off, DD won't be left out!

Aaaah!! Aren't friendships complicated when they don't come naturally?!

Ps how did your DWP visit go @Theordinary ? Hopefully well🙂

Hi all,

I've been reading your posts with interest. I'm sorry that I haven't commented because I can't really add much - we're not at all ready for college life here.

Unfortunately, things have not gone to plan for DD at all (actually that's an understatement). We haven't had any of the promised support and the courses haven't even been paid for yet, despite the funding being agreed (our named provider is meant to have set everything up). I've had to pay up front so that DD could start the main online course on time (the online college assure me this will be refunded once our provider pays). I have had to take time off work to support DD but she doesn't do well with me as teacher. She's been completely stressed out and screaming each day (something she hasn't done in ages) because she can't cope with the lack of structure and timetable. I've written a strongly worded email to the provider and am giving them til the end of the week before I escalate it to our area casework officer.

At this point, I'm not even sure if the course is the right one for DD. She needs real time lessons with step by step instructions but this course involves watching hour long recorded lessons and lots of independent work. No idea how to sort it all!

Just to clarify that DD has an EHCP but doesn't feel able to go to a college in person at the moment due to all of her difficulties. We have a local provider who is accepted by the local authority to sign young people like mine onto various online courses and can also provide tutors and mentors alongside. This has all been agreed and yet nothing has happened despite us stating what courses DD wanted to do back in April. I chased over the summer and was assured there would be no problems and yet here we are.

@SpookySpoon22 if the provision detailed, specified and quantified in F is not being provided, send IPSEA’s model letter to the Director of Children’s Services. If that doesn’t work, you need a pre-action letter. It is the LA who has ultimate responsibility and their duty is non-delegable.

If the provision isn’t right for DD, you can request an early review. IPSEA has a model letter for this too.

Thanks @1spinforward2back Should I go to the casework officer of the SEN dept at the LA first or is that just delaying things? I don't want to make myself unpopular but something definitely needs to change fast. The review has only just taken place (to add the new provider post-16) so I'm not sure what my rights are at this stage with regards requesting an early review but I need to do something.

@SpookySpoon22 by all means contact the caseworker, but I would also email the DCS too.

You can request an early review at any time. Although the LA doesn’t have to agree and there’s no right of appeal if they refuse. If you have only just had a review, you will have the right of appeal or shortly get the right to appeal that outcome, anyway. Do you have the finalised EHCP following the recent review? The provider isn’t written in F, is it? If DD was moving from one post 16 setting to another, the EHCP should have been finalised at least 5 months in advance.

Great, thanks @1spinforward2backYes we do have the finalised EHCP following recent review but because the initial EHCP was only finalised in January this year, the only amendment was to add the provider (which is not in section F).

Hooray! Autism asst appointment for next Weds. They had a cancellation. DD is stuck in town as the bus is broken and they are awaiting a mechanic. How's everyone's week been so far?

That's great re the autism assessment @Anisty But sorry to hear about the broken down bus. At least it's the weekend now so your DD can chill out once she's home!

Our week was so stressful that I thought I was losing my mind at one point but thankfully my strongly worded letter seems to have done the trick and finally DD has been set up on her courses and will be getting support soon! It's not a perfect set up but hopefully it's good enough. Time will tell.

Now, where's the gin and tonic?!

@Anisty
Great news about the autism assessment.
Fingers crossed it goes well .

@

Great news @SpookySpoon22 ! Your letter must have made them sit up and take notice.

Hope you got your G&T!

DD eventually phoned home around 7pm to get a lift up the road. She had panicked when the bus didn't take its usual turn and got off about 15 mins walk from home. Which she would have done except she was so bursting for the loo she wasn't going to make it to the toilet on time!

Luckily she didn't lose control in the car🤣

@SpookySpoon22
Sorry your week was stressful.
Hope the new plan works better for all of you.
Sometimes, good enough is really what's best for the current time till everything settles down and you can make further steps forward.
Hope you did get to the G&T this evening!!

We have a calm household this week.
Apart from a few bus mishaps for DD, she has completed 3 full weeks at college. I realised she never had a 3 week streak in her old school last year.
She says she feels happier and I am just so anxious it will all collapse like a pack of cards.
I know..silly of me. Guess that's what mental health crisis does to us. Makes us always look over the shoulder.

I hope everyone has a calm and relaxing weekend.
Xx

@Anisty Glad to hear your DD made it home safely eventually. I'm not surprised she was bursting for the loo after all that!

@DarkChocHolic thanks, yes I'm just hoping for a more settled time for now with DD feeling like things are manageable for her. That's so great that your DD has completed 3 weeks at college and is feeling happier! It's such a relief when things go well but I completely get that feeling of still feeling anxious that things will fall apart. I think it's only natural when you've been through such difficult times.

And yes, I did get my G&T! Happy weekend everyone!

Hi everyone, we'd supposed to be taking DS to uni tomorrow, it's been a very difficult build up to it. He really really wants to do the course, and like this particular uni but he doesn't want to have to speak to anyone! He's in a hall where he only shares a kitchen with three others, which he chose because he thought that would be easier, but now he's saying he won't dare to go in the kitchen so he's just going to stay in his room and starve (or more likely live on crisps).

He's got a support plan set up but they've asked him to make an appointment to go and talk about adjustments they can make for his anxiety. But he's too anxious to go! So he's not making the appointment. This happened in sixth form as well, they can offer the support but it still relies on him speaking to someone to sort it out.

So this weekend is very stressful, who knows how tomorrow will go. He's determined that he won't speak to anyone, he can't get his head around why most people are going up today as he wants to spend as little time there as possible. Not the best attitude for starting uni!

@SqueezyCheesyPeasy This sounds like such a difficult situation. All you can do is take him and see what happens. Would he be allowed to have a microwave or kettle in his room? At least then he could eat more than just crisps. I know they are adults but I do wish Universities would let us advocate for them if only just at the start to get the ball rolling.

@Anisty glad to hear about the autism assessment.

@SpookySpoon22 glad to hear the letter worked. Hope she settles into her new routine and gets good support.

We are dropping off our dd today and I am a little nervous. She had a bit of a meltdown yesterday but seems quite chipper today so who knows! I have gone from quite confident to worried and everything in between. I have prepared her as much as possible.

@DarkChocHolic we all relate! I do realise that I never truly relax or enjoy anything, as there is always a small part of me on high alert, waiting ready to spring into the fight! My hope is that all of our dc as they take steps forward, will gain a little confidence, and a little more resilience so if there is a setback, getting back up becomes a little easier.

Is DS uni within easy travelling distance of home@SqueezyCheesyPeasy ?

If so, try to get him home each weekend and also pop over and take him out for a meal of an evening once a week.

You will likely find he won't be able to go into the kitchen and will rely on takeaway food (if he is able to go into a fast food place or order to his room) OR he will end up sneaking into the kitchen at anti social hours when it's quiet and then have a disrupted sleep routine.

The slightly good news is uni life doesn't seem to be all party central these days like it was back in the 80s when i was there (depending on flatmates and their finances) Lots of students these days need to work and can't be partying late nights all weekend. So, it might well be that kitchen is not busy at all times.

If he's academically able and enjoys his course, it's perfectly possible to go right through uni avoiding social interaction - will he need to go to lectures at all; so much is online these days. What's he doing? Check out if the course can be done remotely from home as a back up plan.

I understand your concern; not much you can do right now but wait and see.

Crossed posts @Okisenough ! I was thinking the same about a kettle. Microwave a good idea too but might be a lot of ready meal pack build up that difficult to remove from room if anxiety high . . .

Yeah, great news re DDs autism assessment. I filled out a lengthy dev assessment report. Thank goodness i kept a baby book! I'd forgotten all her milestones!

Good luck to those starting university.

@SqueezyCheesyPeasy can you speak to the accommodation services? (They should speak to you if DS gives the OK) Some universities have self contained apartments and there may be the possibility to swap.

Thanks all. He's not too far from home and did consider commuting (although it's nearly two hours each way on public transport) but decided he would rather try staying there. He's planning on coming home every weekend to start with so at least he'll eat properly then.

He wanted a self contained apartment but we persuaded him against it, because we thought it would be really bad for him to be so isolated, but from how he is lately he'll probably isolate himself anyway.

He has options, he can commute if it's all too much, and we can try to get him moved to a studio apartment (although very expensive!).

It's luck of the draw who he ends up with, if he's with another quiet soul who's happy playing cards and talking about discworld he'd settle a lot easier than if he's with loud party people.

We actually have a good uni which does his course within walking distance from our house but he chose one further away as he said it would force him to try to talk to people. But now it's happening his anxiety is through the roof.

@SqueezyCheesyPeasy a studio should not be any more expensive than a normal room if DS needs a studio for disability related reasons. If DS needs a studio for disability related reasons and the accommodation is provided by the university or managed/controlled for them (e.g. a university with a unite hall providing accommodation on behalf of the university) the university should not pass on the increased cost. If DS needs a studio for disability related reasons and the accommodation is private, DSA can refund the difference.

How far by taxi is the university? DSA can provide taxis and fund the difference in cost.