Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 7)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Goodness,seventh thread!
Welcome back to those who have been on board with me since the days DS was first struggling,and hello to new faces

This thread is for those who care for anxious teens.some of us have diagnosis of ASD/anxiety/depression,others are encountering and navigating escalating symptoms that are starting to prove troublesome

This is a safe,non judgemental space to share ideas,offload worries and provide support and kind words for those deep in the trenches

We get how utterly exhausting it can be and are not afraid to celebrate the small wins that in regular circles would be deemed as insignificant as participating in "normal activities"

Hi everyone and good luck for all the new starters and for all of you who are doing your best to support them.
My Dd has been not stop messaging me today to tell me how much she hates her course, the college, all the people!! That's after just half a day there. I'm at my wits end. She is Autistic and has pretty much already made up her mind that she won't have anything in common with anyone. It's a defense mechanism I think as well. She now sitting outside the campus on a break as she's got no one to sit with for lunch. I feel so low about this, it's really dawned on me how difficult this next step is going to be.
What on earth are we going to do?

So sorry to hear that @Theordinary .
Maybe she will relax into it a bit in the next few days? Hopefully??

Slight update - got an email to say it's a 1 to 2 month wait for DD to get autism assessment on our preferred day. That is a big improvement on DS's anticipated 4 YEAR wait in the NHS (in the end he only had 2.5 years to wait but we were told 4 year when he joined the wait list. It is such a lengthy and thorough assessment though; no wonder there's such a long wait!

It's a bit of a pity i never thought of doing this earlier and they could have observed DD in a school setting. Her college class only has 15 students - not sure whether they will want to carry out obs there. Need to wait and see.

@Theordinary
Sorry to hear DD is not happy at college.
It is a heart wrench to receive these messages when they are away.
Easier said than done but try and be calm when she is back home.
Ask if she would like you to help speak to someone at college for extra support.
It takes them a few days to settle in. If she will agree, set a trial period of 10 days and promise to review end of it.
Let her rant and moan in the meantime.
Big hugs.. its worse than when we sent them off to nursery and they went in screaming (my DD certainly did)
Xx

Sorry to hear about your situation @Theordinary I think all you can do is watch and wait over the next few days - she probably has all defences up right now. As the next few days pass, hopefully she will get used to the routine of it and start to feel more comfortable.

Is this a new building for her with all new people? Has she any support? (I will have a read through the thread in a mo)

Early days but the very start is often the hardest - once she finds "her people" or even just that one person she can gel with, it will hopefully make her a bit more receptive to the new experiences.

🤞🤞

Thank you all for the messages of support. I'm just so done with all of this. She's struggling to find her way around as well. I think she's going to need more support than I had thought. If she could just try and make a friend. She looks very grumpy and unapproachable when she is feeling overwhelmed and it's a vicious cycle. We've been here before with school and I had such hopes this would be better. I need to put on a positive outlook when she gets home.

I have just had a look through the thread, trying to pick out your posts @Theordinary - I can see you are having a heck of a time. Sometimes, i think it's actually easier to have a child like my disabled son (who has learning disability as well as autism) because he has had support all through his life and has exceeded every expectation we had - he's the happiest soul because his life is so simple and supported in every area.

My eldest son, super bright, gave us no end of worry and grief. He would definitely fit into the old Aspergers definition - poor eye contact and very off beat, intense interests. He went full on EMO as a teen and his behaviour was such a concern he was query prodromal schizophrenia. He had some bizarre religious thoughts and, quite honestly, when he decided to leave home at 18 hundreds of miles away to live with a partner he met online, i felt only relief!!!

Out of sight, out of mind. 10 years later on, he has stabilised massively. He has a lovely partner now, job, house and child. He is still a little odd in some respects but i don't worry about him at all. He still lives far away and I see him 2 or 3 times a year.

I know what you mean with the grumpy face! Both my DDs do that (not my eldest now) but there's no hiding a bad mood.

I don't know if this is your DD too - when my DD had a good day at school, she came in to find me in the kitchen on coming in and chatted. Bad day - straight up to her room. She just needed that chill time.

From previous experience, things do improve once they hit mid 20s. It seems ages away though doesn't it!

@Theordinary sending you a hug, I have been in that exact position, it is so awful as you feel so helpless. I agree with @DarkChocHolic's advice. Often it is better than it appears and letting them rant and dump all their worries on us helps them to see that. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier.

Day one of college seems to have gone well for DD. She text me to say she was on the bus home and there had been a disaster to tell me about.

The 'disaster' turned out to be that she'd arrived from college into town and missed the bus home by 2 minutes so she decided to nip into Poundland and got a bottle of coke. Put it in her bag and then she must have been walking around town, returning to the bus stop for the later bus.

And i don't quite know what happened but the coke seems to have exploded all over her bag, her notes, her phone, everything, including her!

She then got on the bus and put her bag next to her, but it was sopping wet and soaked the seat - and then someone sat there before she could tell them.

Anyway, she has taken it all in her stride, got everything including her bag into the machine and she's going to re write her notes tomorrow. No college tomorrow - it is only tues, thurs, fri.

She was downstairs all evening chatting away so it's looking good so far.

@Anisty thats fantastic news, sounds like she coped brilliantly:)

@Theordinary I'm so sorry it's been so hard. I hope it was better than it sounded and she gets a good night's sleep and tomorrow is a better day.
I know what you mean about looking unapproachable, my DD also was like this, shut down, looking at floor with headphones on, no eye contact etc. It's so very hard when they are so anxious to look happy and approachable and to chat to people.
Are college offering any support? May be worth contacting them.
No doubt DD is using you as her safe person to dump everything on but it must be exhausting for you. You can't fix this - all you can do is walk beside her and try support her as best you can.

Thank you all, I've just read through all the comments this morning. I find it so difficult to pick out names and respond separately, I hope that's OK. Great advice as always here. Things took a turn for the better yesterday. After coming off the phone to me almost in tears she bumped into a group of kids she knows and by the time I was due to pick her up she had made a group of friends. I went to pick her up as arranged and she texted at the last minute to say she didn't need a lift anymore as she was hanging out with some friends! I was already outside the college when she sent the text! This is DD all over, she's very ditsy and doesn't think. I couldn't be too cross though as I was just so relieved! I'd spent the whole day worried sick about her. Anyway after she got home she was very happy and was able to tell us all about her day (and all the annoying people she dislikes) and said she would be fine to go back today. This is my life at the moment. It's a roller coaster from one hour to the next. I've got anxious child no. 2 to get to school for the first day back today too. Wishing you all luck for today.

Oh, that's brilliant news @Theordinary ! I know what you mean about the rollercoaster of emotions! Grrrrr! The very annoying thing with asd kids is that, even when they properly get into adulthood, they seem totally unable to appreciate any impact their behaviour might have had on us!!

(In fact, at the moment, my DS1 seems to blame me for his troubled teens and is determined not to repeat my mistakes with his own daughter; looking forward to seeing how that goes!)

Hope you have a more relaxing day today, once you get the school send off done.

@Anisty thank you! My DD already points out parenting things she'll do differently when she has kids if her own (not yet, god forbid!) It's divide and conquer this morning. I've dropped youngest to school with no dramas amazingly and DH is doing the college run. She's getting the bus home hopefully. I'm praying for a calm day today, I'm on my last nerve after yesterday.

@Theordinary Great news.

@Theordinary
Aww..bless you!
So glad DD had a better day in the end.
They do put us through the wringer without a doubt. I would have been so relieved to say the lift was not needed too. Even if I had driven for miles. That's what poor mental health of our kids does to us parents. Anything is a relief.
I hope you have a calm day today.

@anisty
Glad DD came home happy and was chatty.
It makes everything seem so much more positive when they are simply happy.
My DD also had a bus mishap and survived. She had a good day 2 as well and has a day off today
Lessons start tomorrow and we need to make the decision ASAP to let old school know.

Good luck to everyone who starts today. I hope transitions go smoothly and their confidence is slowly restored bit by bit.

Xx

@Theordinary lovely to hear the day finished one a high.

@Anisty I hope day two is as good as day one.

@DarkChocHolic after the difficulties you and DD have had it is wonderful things have gone well so far this week.

Glad to hear of all the positive outcomes. @Theordinary yes life can definitely feel like a rollercoaster!

@Theordinary that's really good news, so pleased it worked out in the end, you're right it is a roller coaster
Hope today is also a good one.

Everythings gone downhill here on day 2, after a good first day back on Tuesday today I could get DD out of bed this morning , totally shut down and still in bed now.
I'm Feeling despondent, don't know why I let it get to me should be used to it by now. Hoping tomorrow is better.

Unbeliveably DD went in for her settling in session, she said it was rubbish.
She was only due to be in this afternoon and even after a morning of drama she has gone in. She is meant to be in for a long day tomorrow which I don’t have high hopes for, but as always, one day at a time.

Sorry to hear that @Runnerduck34 . I know what you mean - it's about managing expectations isn't it because they're a bit Jekell and Hyde. You see them so able and 'normal' on the best days and then it brings you right down when they swing to the other extreme.

I went and put my foot in it with my disabled lad today. He's generally quite a happy chappy but this morning I referred to him as "our (his name )" and he told me it really irritated him when i called him that.

Anyway - of course i must say that all the time without ever realising as 30 seconds later had i not done it again! So, that's him shut down now for the day. But - because this is the sort of behaviour we have always had from him and expect, it's not a concern really. All his peer group is other autistic adults - some far more severe than him. He is verbal, some are not but he definitely gels with autistic people much better.

But with cognitively able teens - it is a different and more difficult ball game altogether!

Does the offer of a cake help?! My DD likes a specific cake from the local baker's, with DS 1 it was a can of coke used to bring him round! Just leave it in their room and see if any magic happens . . .

Despite her low review of her morning, that's an achievement! Like you say, one day at a time🙂

@Runnerduck34 I'm sorry to hear that your DD is struggling today. I think the stress of trying to hold it together in public puts a huge strain on them. It's like the batteries run down completely and there's nothing left. Mine is like this often too and it's what I've been fearing the most as well when she started college. So far, so good here, but if these last few months have taught me anything, it's not to get my hopes up and think everything is OK now. It changes like the weather in this house! When your DD's mental health improves, so will her resilience and stamina hopefully. It's so upsetting when you see them struggle like this. I don't think it's something you ever get used to, the crushing sadness you feel.
@MinionKevin

Sorry I pressed too soon there, I'm crap at this 😬. What I was trying to say is @MinionKevin your DD has done well to go in at all, even just for a short while. To our kids school and college must feel like such a hostile environment and I can completely understand why they can't face going in. Doesn't help much for you though. How easy it must be for other parents who's kids just breeze through life without a care! From what my DD tells me, so many of her year group are struggling with their mental health. There's a kind of collective negligence in society in my opinion. Government, NHS, education all letting down our young people when they need help the most. It does make me cross.
I hope everyone has a better day tomorrow.

@Runnerduck34 @MinionKevin sending you both☕and a 🍪. I echo what @Theordinary posted. We care so it punches us in the gut when it goes wrong. Let her rest today. Try and give yourself a break too and see what tomorrow brings.

@Anisty I will take a slice of cake!

@Theordinary the state of mental health services in this country is dire. Plenty of awareness campaigns by the latest celebrity but actual services are nowhere. I've had to pay for nearly everything and rely on advice from people on here. GPs are not equipped to deal with MH and CAHMs in my experience was useless.