Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 7)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Goodness,seventh thread!
Welcome back to those who have been on board with me since the days DS was first struggling,and hello to new faces

This thread is for those who care for anxious teens.some of us have diagnosis of ASD/anxiety/depression,others are encountering and navigating escalating symptoms that are starting to prove troublesome

This is a safe,non judgemental space to share ideas,offload worries and provide support and kind words for those deep in the trenches

We get how utterly exhausting it can be and are not afraid to celebrate the small wins that in regular circles would be deemed as insignificant as participating in "normal activities"

@Okisenough I couldn't agree more. It's shockingly bad. We too had to pay for the Autism assessment, private Psychiatrist, Private counselling. Camhs have truly caused more harm than good. For example my DD's keyworker keeps telling me things that my DD has told her in confidence. My DD has no trust in her now. The psychiatrist (a miracle we were allowed access to one after me begging) took my autistic child into the room alone for the consultation without asking her if she was OK with that. She then told DD that she shouldn't have rushed into getting anti depressants privately and should have done counselling first. They offered no counselling at all!!! I actually could have screamed at that point when my DD told me what she had said. My poor daughter was at rock bottom, self harm, suicidal thoughts and one overdose for 9 months before we'd seen this Dr and that's the most helpful thing she could think to say! The medication has been indispensable in helping DD to recover and I will stand by our decision forever on that. Camhs also have no clue about Autism seemingly either. My DD is done with it although I've encouraged her to stick with it. Goodness knows why. Mainly because I can't afford any more private healthcare. Blimey, I do rant sometimes, sorry.

In fact she had a good afternoon and walked home. She is meant to be in for 5 hours tomorrow and feels like she should go in for it.

She has a few friends who are also struggling. She had one who stopped going 2 years ago, tried to come back in but totally stopped again and is refusing to go back. I know we are in a better position.

@MinionKevin that's great news. Hope she manages tomorrow. My DD had a decent day by the sounds of it too. She's with a friend right now. I can never truly relax when she's out and about. I don't think I'll ever shake off this anxiety.

That is brilliant @MinionKevin and @Theordinary.

We found tier 3 CAMHS to be as much use as a chocolate teapot. DS1 was referred to a tier 4 team, then another tier 4 team, and they have been much better. Luckily, he and DS3 have all the therapies they need in their EHCPs.

We went private for DS2’s ADHD assessment because of the wait. He is on the NHS ASD assessment waiting list, but we are happy to wait because a diagnosis right now won’t change anything for him.

Thank you everyone for your kind words, this forum is brilliant for kindness and understanding not to mention some really good advice.

Ive just comfort ate for Britain as DDs OT who she adores and has a good relationship is changing her working days which impacts DDs regular session so Im no longer sure I can take her. At the very best her EOTAS timetable that I carefully crafted has fallen down like a pack of cards! Aargh!!!

@Runnerduck34 that's such a shame. When you find someone to help that they actually gel with you never want to lose them. I hope my DD's counsellor carries on for a long time. I'd be devastated, she loves her so much! You've worked so hard to put it all in place, I'm not surprised you're upset.

😂@Okisenough ! Cake does solve a many problems - short term! Totally agree with what you're all saying about MH services - absolutely desperate.

What also surprised me - when i told DD's guidance teacher over the phone that she'd taken an OD, there was just no expression of surprise, shock, expression of concern, nothing. Bear in mind DD was not identified as having any school struggles or school absence. And her guidance teacher was also her drama teacher so she knew her well as a pupil.

Is that because they're trained not to react or because it's pretty common to OD as a teen, do you think. Initially, i thought the former but when no help came from school, i thought maybe my DD was one of many. It isn't something people talk about i suppose.

DD has her longest college day of the week tomorrow - she thinks she might make it home by 7. The bus changes don't tie up well time-wise so she's stuck for an hour in town. Think she will be skipping on the Poundland coke!!

DD did go in and the house is so quiet. I’ll now be on tender hooks until I see her at 3!

That's positive @MinionKevin ! Hope your DD is managing her day well and returns happily.

My DD had to call home at 7.45 this morning - she hadn't got far! At the bus stop, forgot her purse! So no bus pass or cash card. Luckily, DH managed to run round with the car before the bus came.

She's normally well organised; that's very unusual for her to forget anything.

She won't be back til about 7 but i'm not too worried about her just now; she seems to be settled at the moment.

Just popping by to ask for a bit of advice.
dd 16 started college today- actually really positive to say she has gone with no firm friendship group. She struggles with social anxiety and saw a psychologist for some sessions about 2 years ago. She went in quite confidently and has spoken to some new people and managed to approach some acquaintances to have lunch with. Navigated the day independently and I’m really proud of her. This would have been a dream 2 years ago.
anyway she is just so negative about the whole thing- the people she met and liked aren’t in any of her classes, there are no extra curricular groups she likes (loves music and creative writing but no clubs yet for these- I’ve said they might still happen as they have in the past), she’s worried as she’s chosen ‘academic subjects’ with her view to getting a good degree later and a good job. She is now wondering if she should have gone with music and art (but no doubt would then be worrying about future employment and she is continuing with these as a hobby. She still has no idea what she wants to do as a career (we’ve spoken about this being common and not a problem and how people change and swap careers- her a level choices give her lots of options) just find it all so negative at times and I wonder if I try too hard to reframe her thoughts and whether I should just be listening and then moving her on. I am an empath and really struggle with other peoples strong emotions.
any wise words of wisdom?

Hiya@Roodledoodle83 - your DD has had a positive first day! Sometimes, i think they put all the negative chat in because they feel apprehensive - especially where they have had difficult times in the past. If things have gone wrong before, there's almost an expectation that it will repeat.

I'm no expert on teens by any means; i think all of us on this thread are navigating troubled waters! However, with regard to your 're framing' point, I think teens actually often just want to be heard. They don't want you to fix or reframe. They want us to listen and be in that moment with them, properly hearing their worries. We don't need to do anything other than be there.

And, my goodness, is the world an uncertain one just now as regards employment. Who's to say what's best with all this AI coming down the line. Will the arts trump the traditional academic subjects?!

That's your DD's decision. My eldest DD was a straight A student - she did all arts and languages though, apart from biology. She now makes a living as an artist and is fully self supporting as she lives alone. She's not rich by any means, but happy and perfectly comfortable; bringing in enough to not be worried. We never stood in her way - it is all she ever wanted to do.

One of my boys, on the other hand, all maths and sciences. Graduated this year with a first class honours in software engineering, still working at Greggs!

So i don't think anyone can guess what's going to be good unless she's going into law, accountancy or something.

So - for what it's worth, my instinct would be to take the pressure off and be that listening ear.

We pulled our youngest DD out of school at 16 this year as she hated it so much and it was making her very unwell. She was on that 'got to go to uni track (what are schools doing to our kids to make them think uni is all there is?!)

She did well in her exams but seems to be much more settled out of school on a theatre course in college.

It's good to look ahead a little of course but nothing needs decided yet, especially with our ever-changing employment market.

Thanks @Anisty for your reassuring words.
AI is bringing her lots of anxiety to the point I suggested it as a career path, we looked at ai ethics careers which seemed right up her street. She finds it tricky as she’s really bright and also creative, I was neither so a level choices were easy. Just pick what you can do! I know she feels torn but I keep reassuring her that at this point it isn’t a straight choice but more keeping her options open until she is clear on her pathway and even then it can change and adapt. Easy words when you’re an adult.
I am definitely going to try and just become the listening ear- she doesn’t share her issues with her friends (don’t think she trusts them enough) so I have to be that person. I will learn to bite my tongue! 🙈 she did start to show some more reflective thoughts last night at bedtime so leaving her be after she’d vented did seem the right choice.
a quiet day today for her which is probably what she needs and then it all starts for real on Tuesday! Fingers, toes and everything crossed.

It is much harder for our teens now than it ever was @Roodledoodle83 - how much simpler must it have been in the days where girls grew up, got married and had babies!

It sure is a difficult skill to master - just being in the moment and listening and i'm still working on it myself but our girls do need to be allowed to make their own decisions and their own mistakes. Part of being an adult though is knowing when you need help, and where to access it so keeping lines of communication easy between you at this stage hopefully gives confidence for them to approach others right through life. We all need help right through our lives - whether it's getting enough info and advice for a big life change or simply asking where the nearest public loo is!

By listening though, you definitely do get more insight into how their thinking is, their worries and how they approach problems. Which is useful.

How is everyone getting on today? My DD has had a good, but exhausting, week. She got home about 7pm Thurs and had been on some 'ladder training' Which seemed to be just climbing up a high ladder! She's not scared of heights so she managed fine, though she was a bit fazed by its instability and creakiness!

Friday was a shorter day for her so i met her in town and we went for lunch. She was non stop talking about her morning for the hour before lunch and right through.

She's working today. She has a cafe job usually Sundays but can be Saturdays some weeks. Then she will have Sunday and Monday to rest.

Tuesday she can't make it to college as we are at the hospital for her gynae appt. I don't have a car Tuesdays and it takes too long to get from hosp to college on the bus.

So she will not be in college til next Thurs.

She's already voicing negativity about her gynae appt, saying it'll be a waste of time and nothing will be done; she has just accepted this pretty near continual bleeding is her life.

I think they will probably change her Pill brand. However, I suspect DD's bleeding is very much reduced from what it once was. I think it is very light indeed now. She certainly doesn't seem to be struggling as she was before.

Although she was upset her uterine scan showed nothing, maybe subconciously her mind is happier that her pelvis is not full of tissue that shouldn't be there. I think, to properly rule out endo, a laporoscopy is needed where they put a camera right into the uterus and properly look at the fallopian tubes, uterus and pelvis. So, this clear scan does not totally rule it out but at least means, if it is there, it has not progressed far or caused damage.

She certainly does get very heavy bleeding when she's not on the pill and passes clots (sorry!) She bleeds for a good 10 plus days, stops a day or two and then it all starts again.

So - i will be going in with DD to her appt because i really do not think that is normal and i want to know where that amount of blood can physically be coming from if not endo tissue.

Last time we were there, the consultant said it can be normal to have these very heavy bleeds as a teen and they settle down. But, where can 20 days' worth of blood come from in one month?! It just makes no sense.

I do understand it can be normal to have constant bleeding on the pill. That makes total sense.

It's when she's off the pill. I want to understand what goes on there!

Hope you are all having easy weekends!

Er, not an easy weekend here , I'm afraid. Background: DS16 has an EHCP for ASD and anxiety. No school since March, no GCSEs.

The EHCO consulted with a local college as DS wants to do media and is quite gifted at photography. He went to the interview in May but they refused to look at his digital work even though we took his laptop. The EHCO assured us he had got a place anyway and the college was named in section I, but he would have to start on the Level 1 media course due to lack of GCSEs (he had hoped to do Level 3 but hey ho)

Week ago we get a letter about starting the Level 3 course and to come and enrol. We couldn't enrol in the last week of hols as we were away, but I did pop into the college just before our trip with his docs, but they turned me away and said he had to come in person which DS refused as he was feeling anxous and in his mind he "already had a place"

We went today to be told that Levels 1 and 2 media are both full! One lady saw his photos and said his photos were so good he should go onto Level 3. Another tutor came along and said he HAS to have 4 GCSEs, so no he cant and all they could offer was a Level 1 waiting list.

The EHCO is away on holiday (of course) so we have to wait for her return.
The college did try to be helpful by signposting us to the GCSE enrolment desk, but the tutor quite rightly said that if DS has exam anxiety that has not been managed, more GCSE exams in a year might not be the answer.

Anyway DS got frustrated and walked out, so we'll see what we can do next week 🤔

Can we insist that the college takes him?

Oh, what a nightmare, @MackenCheese . I am in Scotland so best to wait for others more familiar with the English system to advise (assuming you're in England?)

Does the college know about the ASD and anxiety? It doesn't sound as if they have made any provision at all to help him present his documents. And, in Scotland, an educational establishment would legally be bound to ensure that he could submit the documents another way and also take into account things that would make accessing the course possible. But, i don't think it would extend to making a place for him where a course is already full.

In this case though - you were there in time before the course was full with the documents! It seems ridiculous that they could not accept those docs provisionally, until your DS was able to go in at a later date when he felt comfortable.

It is quite common for a few to drop out of college courses though - so he might get a place on the level 1 yet.

However, I'd be checking out the legal situation and seeing if he can't go straight to level 3 with his talents. (And hopefully someone au fait with the English system will be along later that knows how to go about it!)

How is DS feeling about it?

Can’t believe we are into the second week. DD is doing so well, she seems resolved to the idea she needs to go in. She didn’t want to today, but went in and had a good time.
Im still left with anxiety every day, that she will go in, that she will be okay. I hope one day that goes…

That's great to hear @MinionKevin 🙂 Hopefully your anxiety will start to ease as she gets a few weeks behind her.

A bad day here, I'm afraid. Went to DDs gynae appt. It's one of those times i wish i could re-wind and i would not have gone into the appt with her.

As far as i understood things, DDs pain has been much less and bleeding much lighter on this mini pill. And, when she had the Depo injection in January, that worked too once the pain of the initial jag wore off.

The consultant is actually very nice, i thought. But there was also a student GP and a nurse in. All nice but maybe a bit overwhelming. Well, DD was not prepared to admit anything was helping at all.

I really think (well, actually no i don't know how her head is thinking atm) that she had prepared herself for hearing "well, you know your scan was fine and this might well settle as you get older"

And then we would have come away with DD saying 'told you that was a waste of time'

That is not what happened though. She was offered a keyhole gynae exploration and a coil inserted under sedation.

And she burst into tears! The very exam that women wait an average of 8 years for, she was offered right away.

So - they sent her home to have a think. She does not want to talk about it. Obvs i have left her alone today as she is in a bad mood.

But i get a feeling she will reject this, get discharged and just make do on the mini pill.

Which is maybe what has to happen right now until such times as she matures emotionally.

I think the examination would be available without the coil too but we didnt get as far as discussing anything today.

I don't know exactly what the issue is that's causing the upset - maybe it's just too much to face right now. She certainly has not been be
having as if she has been in any great pain recently - but why she made out she was in agony, i really do not know.

Hi everyone. Just having a read through the last few posts to catch up with how you're all getting on.
@MackenCheese It sounds like you're having a nightmare. If your DS is really talented at the photography it would be a real shame not to pursue it. I guess like others have said, hopefully there will be a space come up. If not, do they run something like employment skills or some other basic course that he can enrol on in the meantime? I would have thought with an EHCP they have to find him something.
@Anisty It's good that your DD has been offered a Laporoscopy as that's the only way to truly diagnose endometriosis if that's what it is. The Mirena coil is commonly used to treat it too. If they find some endo they will remove it during the lap too if its safe to do so. It does mean a General anaesthetic too which is quite a scary prospect for a young person. Hopefully she can think it through.
@MinionKevin Glad things are going well, I'm the same here. Just anxious all the time in case things go downhill. My DD has been enjoying college so far but she's getting tummy cramps and I had to pick her up yesterday. Possibly IBS or maybe due to taking the pill back to back. Or even just stress. I'm so scared to let her have a pill break as last time she became quite mentally unstable again.
DS still really anxious and refusing his ADHD meds again! He's off today with a heavy cold. My 3 days annual leave have not exactly been relaxing!

Thanks @Theordinary DD has been here all day as no college on Wednesdays. We were out for a coffee this morning but she never mentioned it and nor did I, as didn't want to risk plunging her right into another shut down.

I might be able to go through my eldest DD - she is in her early 30s and i know DD2 did mention the hosp appt to DD1, when they were playing a game online together the other night. So, it would be very natural for her to ask how she got on. Also DD1 had problem periods too so I think DD2 feels there's a good confidante there.

Sorry to hear you're dealing with some tricky issues too. See what tomorrow brings!

Well my optimism at starting college hasn’t lasted long.
i really hoped that a brand new start would be great for my dd.
However, it’s just like going back several years when her social anxiety was at a peak. She’s nowhere as bad as she was then when she even struggled with speaking to grandparents and just going to school was a struggle but there are elements where I relive the same conversations. She isn’t speaking to anyone at college and her lessons don’t appear to offer much opportunity for group work etc. unfortunately it’s not as easy as messaging the form tutor to ask them to swap seating plans now they are older.
enrichment opportunities begin next week so that’s my hope at the moment for her to find her confidence and get out there socially.
We’ve chatted about the issue and how unhappy she is but I’ve explained that the only one to bring about change is her. I’ve tried to explain that she’s unhappy now and the way of changing that is to risk chatting to people. I think she hoped she’d just fall into a lovely friendship but that’s not how it happens is it? She can be quite judgemental of people as well but I presume that’s just her defence mechanism trying to protect herself.
I am struggling to find any positivity at the mo.

@Roodledoodle83 I am sorry to hear your dd is struggling and I completely understand how hard that is on you. I agree that her judgemental behaviour is most likely a defence mechanism, and hopefully will lessen once she becomes more comfortable in the college environment. With regards to her social anxiety, is she able to access any counselling at college or privately? Sadly social anxiety doesn't go away on its own although a change of scenery and leaving behind school and all its associations can help. You mention your dd is creative and loves music and art, but chose academic subjects. Would she benefit from switching and having at least one creative subject so she can meet more like-minded people? I know with art a-level, kids are not stuck to a desk so there is more room to talk to each other. Both my dc are creative and chose creative subjects. My eldest is making a good living from it so it isn't always the case that only academic subjects equate to a good job. If you haven't already take a look at Suzanne Alderson website, author of never let go. She has a series of short youtube videos which I found really helpful. Useful if you don't have time to read her book.

I really hope she has a better day tomorrow. I am rooting for you both.

To everyone else, I hope whatever your dc are doing this September, things are going ok. x

It is lovely to hear of the positives from starting school/colleges.

@Roodledoodle83 I hope DD starts finding things easier soon. You could speak to the pastoral department. Once college gets going, you/DD could ask about careers guidance.

@Runnerduck34 sorry the OT is changing days. Would DD go with someone else or in a taxi on her own?

@MackenCheese if the college is named in section I, they must admit. Whether they have to admit to a specific programme will depend on what is written in the EHCP.

@Anisty I hope DD2 can work through her anxiety to have the procedures.

@Roodledoodle83 I'm sorry to hear that your DD is finding college difficult. I have been in the same situation with my DD too and it's heartbreaking. I wish I had some advice but I'm afraid I don't. Has she had any counselling at all and is she on medication for anxiety? I only ask because for us that's the only things that's helped our DD to be a little less anxious and to view the world and the people in it in a more positive light.

We're plodding along here OK ish with my DD at college and DS back to school. I've noticed my DD is much, much less able to tolerate annoyances at home. It seems she's using every bit of her resources at college. Lots of patience needed. She's very tired and I'm frightened that she's going to burn out again from the demands of daily college. My DS is showing so many traits of PDA and is late every day for school. I'm learning to lower my standards quite a bit and just be glad he's attending at all. It's strange how my expectations of being a parent have had to change so much. Sometimes I don't recognise the parent I've had to become. I wonder constantly whether I should be pushing them more with schoolwork etc but it just never works. Low demand parenting doesn't come easy to me!

@Theordinary yes changing our expectations is something I can definitely relate to. I have also had to lower my demands on the home front, less social events and outings. I expect some chores to be done but I imagine far less than their peers. Small steps............

My dd goes off next week to University and I am nervous although hopeful.

@Roodledoodle83 I also second the suggestion of looking into medication, it does not have to be long term and can be very helpful.

And don't forget to carve out a small moment for yourself. I know it isn't easy though.