Fighting urge to cut all my hair off

[Veryirritating]

I feel like hacking all my hair off. Is that self harm?

You don't need to cover it up, just tidy it up best you can yourself (or go to a hairdresser if you can) and make it a pixie cut, plenty of women have short hair.

Trouble is that I didn’t look when I was doing it so it is scalped to the skin in some places and a bit longer in others. So not much scope to make a style out of it atm

You don't owe anyone an explanation but if you wanted to have something to say then talk about your ongoing hair loss.

I tell people my alopecia is pretty bad at the moment which upsets me and oddly enough shaving it all off feels like taking control.

Nobody questions it further.

Do you think some part of you recognises that you need help, even if that helps feels scary and overwhelming, and shaving your hair off is your subconscious way of getting your doctors to realise things are not ok with you?

It's common to feel two contradictory ways about something and only see the part of you that doesn't want attention or help when the opposite is also true.

I feel ashamed as it seems like attention seeking behaviour and I’ve made things more difficult for myself. I’ve cancelled my next appointment with my psychiatrist because I don’t want him to see what I’ve done.

Sometimes "attention seeking" is seeking help. It's not a bad thing. It's saying please please notice that I'm drowning here. Please help me. When things are so bad that you can't find a way to say those words or even be in a place where you recognise those are the words you want to say.

Have you ever been sent to a mental health unit before? I have and honestly it was not at all like people think it is.

The brain is just a body part like any other. If you broke a leg you'd get a cast on. If you had a chest infection you wouldn't avoid a GP in case they thought you were wheezing.

I know it feels very different and I know there are still people who are ignorant about mental health problems but fuck them.

You deserve to be helped and supported. You deserve more than to feel trapped and scared. I know I'm just a stranger on the internet and you don't know me but I promise you I do want you to get the help you deserve. Please try to take a little leap of faith and trust someone involved in your care enough to let them help you.

How weird, I was thinking about this thread last night. As I had a really vivid dream where I shaved my hair off, because I was really struggling. (I'm not) but have had the urge in the past. It went away eventually.

It is interesting to hear that I’m not alone in that urge. I’m glad you managed to resist it in real life and it went away. Trust me, it’s not worth it and it just causes a whole extra set of problems to deal with. I feel ridiculous and look hideous.

Thank you, that is such a kind way to look at it and I think it could be true that I don’t know how to express how I feel. I’m always conscious of not making a fuss or drawing attention to myself but I’ve now done exactly that and hate myself for it.

It's scary to take that step but it is taking a step and it could end up being helpful for you. Even just starting to question whether there's a reason you've cut your hair off is progress.

We have very strong survival instincts that are protecting us even when we don't see it. That may be where the urge to shave your head came from, strange as it may sound.

I didn’t need to worry about my psychiatrist. He thought it was a fashion statement me wearing a woolly hat in my appointment so I didn’t have to explain that I had hacked all my hair off.

How do you feel about that?

Mixed feelings inevitably. I was relieved at the time but afterwards the part of me which is silently screaming “please help me” feels even more desperate and alone.

I thought that might be the case.

I'm so sorry. I wish there was some magic secret I could share with you that would make this all better. 💐. Is there anyone you feel is safe for you to talk to? Or could you maybe write down how you feel? That has helped me in the past. Just sitting down and letting it all pour out of me. Feelings and thoughts I didn't even recognise were in me until they just came spewing out of my pen.

I don’t have any one it is safe to talk to. I’ve cancelled my therapy session tomorrow as I can’t face that. The psychiatrist has prescribed more medication but I can’t take that so I’m running out of options. He said to ring him if I’m not able to keep myself safe but what can he do?

He can help to keep you safe.