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Original poster

How do I get help-I want to hurt my dd, I don't care if I never see her again.

102 replies

Hatemyselfforthis · 13/03/2008 18:33

I used to love her so much but now I can't even bare to look at her. I am making her life a misery and I despise her, but she gives me no real good reason-the girls at nursery think she is an angel and she behaves very well, but I feel no love towards her. I hate her so much. I have been to the doctors but he said it is normal, but I keep leaving her in shops or in the street if we go shopping as I can't bear to be near her-I can't bear to touch her or bath her or do anything with her, I hate it all-she is 4 so it can't be pnd. Pleas help me, I want it to be as it used to be, I used to love her so much.

OP posts:
Aero · 13/03/2008 18:39

I have to go out, but bump for advice for you - you are clearly depressed and in need of help. So sorry I have to rush out........

Lulumama · 13/03/2008 18:41

has something happened to make your feelings so negative towards her. if it used to be good?

PND can be misdiagnosed, and missed totally . how long you been feeling like this?

did you have a difficutl birth>

do you ahve other DCs?

winniethewino · 13/03/2008 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzybiz · 13/03/2008 18:44

I think you need to see another DR and make them listen, it's getting dangerous if you are leaving her in shops and in the street.

Original poster
Hatemyselfforthis · 13/03/2008 18:47

It's just her, so have no other dc's. Birth wasn't too bad but her dad left after two months. Have had periods where I love her and ones where I hate her for a while, but can only remember the bad periods when I'm going through another bad one again. This one is lasting a long time though and is scaring me. My mum has recently died, which is def a factor. How can I convince my doctor to help me without him putting her on the danger list? I can control my feelings of wanting to hurt her (although I do drag her along when she won't walk and can be rather rough with her when picking her up when angry, but I don't smack etc), but she is very evidentially miserable and becoming very withdrawn and miserable.

OP posts:
Desiderata · 13/03/2008 18:49

When you say you want to hurt her, can you be more specific about how you feel? Do you want to lash out at her, or something worse?

Poor lady, you desperately need some support. Discussing it on here may help to put your thoughts in order, perhaps? You will not be judged. We're all here to help.

winniethewino · 13/03/2008 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 13/03/2008 18:53

It could be PND.

I have this and my eldest is 6.

If you want to talk to someone off here feel free to email me

mushy31894atfsmaildotnet

wildwoman · 13/03/2008 18:53

You need to speak to someone soon. I have sufferred from PND since the birth of my first dd and have had periods like this. I have had counselling and am now off my ads. Things aren't perfect but they are a whole lot better. Please remember that this is not really you feeling like this towards your child it is a symptom of an illness. You need to see another GP and keep pushing until you get some help.

Original poster
Hatemyselfforthis · 13/03/2008 18:53

I want to hit her and shake her and scream at her until my throat hurts. I end up having to squeeze her hood or some of her clothing as tight as I can until it goes away again, which can sometimes take ages. Sometimes I wish someone else would just come along and take her away, but then feel dreadful when it happens to others and know I don't want that deep down. I can't bear to clean her room or change her bedding as they are her things so I don't want to touch any of them-I feel a vague sense of repulsion when around them.

OP posts:
Hassled · 13/03/2008 18:53

Please make an appointment (and yes, if they ask it is an emergency) to see a different GP in your practice and tell the whole truth about how you're feeling. You've gone through a hell of a lot - raised a child on your own, your mother's death, etc - and it is completely reasonable that you need some help to deal with things at the moment. The fact you've posted shows you know you need some help - may be ADs, may be bereavement counselling.

francagoestohollywood · 13/03/2008 18:54

Yes, you really do need to see a doctor again. Try and talk about your feelings here, it might help you to "organise" them. Are you grieving for your mum's death?

Original poster
Hatemyselfforthis · 13/03/2008 18:56

Thanks NAB-I feel so dreadful. The doctor gave me the number of a helpline that I can ring to try and organise some counselling, but it will take a long time for counselling to have effect and I feel like things are coming to some sort of a head and it will be too late.

OP posts:
wildwoman · 13/03/2008 18:57

This is a very scary situation for both of you but if you act now you can fix this. When I felt lke I didn't love my dd I used to imagine being at her funeral...it sounds sick but it proved to me that I did love her as I would then cry for hours. I really feel for you wildwoman26 at hotmail dot co dot uk if you want to chat.

Original poster
Hatemyselfforthis · 13/03/2008 18:58

I was very close to my mum but don't really feel anything since she died tbh except this huge anger and irritation at everything, especially dd. Am so worried that they will put dd in care if I tell the doctor the truth.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hatemyselfforthis · 13/03/2008 19:00

Need to get dd ready for bed, will be back on a little later, thank you all so much xxx

OP posts:
keevamum · 13/03/2008 19:00

HI your posting made me feel very sad for you. I have suffered with PND since dd2 came along almost 2 years ago and it took a lot longer to bond with her. I sometimes just wanted to be with my dd1 and ignore the baby. However, it was important to remember this wasn't how I was feeling but how the depression made me feel. It def sounds as if you are depressed, do you have close friends or support near you? If not where abouts are you? Could you speak to your health visitor or ask home start to send you out a volunteer once a week to give you a bit of a break, they are there for anyone in times of difficulty with a child under 5. Please keep chatting to people and tell them how you feel.

WallOfSilence · 13/03/2008 19:02

How do you think you would feel if you woke up one day & she wasn't there? Really? Think about it.

I know everyone is saying you need to contact the GP for help with depression, I also feel you should contact them as your daughter's safety is in danger.

Hope you get the help you need x

Lulumama · 13/03/2008 19:03

i guess if your partner left you 2 months after the birht, and your mum has passed away, you are left feeling you are shouldering it all alone, and who is mothering you?

the frustration and anger you are feeling needs dealing with ASAP

it is fantastic you have held it together and recognised there is a serious issue and not hurt your daughter yet.

you need help though and quickly... have yuo confided to anyone in rL?

lucyellensmum · 13/03/2008 19:04

Oh you poor thing. It doesnt really matter whether this is PND or not, you sound dangerously depressed. You do not need to suffer this hell. You have done amazingly well to write this all down, so i think you should cut and paste what you have written and show this to your doctor or health visitor. They CAN and MUST help you - you both deserve so much better. You know what i think the problem is? You are greiving for your mum and now you are frightened to get to close to the person closest to you?? It is NOT your fault, but you MUST get help for this, tomorrow, as soon as you wake up, please make an appointment to see someone. If your doctor is a twat, see someone else. HV anyone. Phone the samaritans, they will have all the telephone numbers you need. Keep posting on here.

So sad for you, you are missing out, and so is your DD. FWIW, if the nursery people see a happy, well behaved little girl, chances are, that is what she is and i know she loves her mummy. You certainly must have been doing something right.

Don't despair, this is not you, you are not well, you are unwell and you can get treatment (talking, medication, whatever is suitable) and enjoy your little girl again.

Habbibu · 13/03/2008 19:04

Oh, sweetheart. Agree with all the others - you are in dire need of help. I'd sit in your GPs office and insist that he get you help. I know it's hard to say face to face what you've said here, but you've made such a brave first step. Any chance you can see another GP in the practice?

And please please come and talk here whenever you feel stressed - it will help just to vent. I'm so sorry about your mum. Anger is a really normal but very painful part of grief - but it's so hard to deal with, as it doesn't "feel" like grief.

wildwoman · 13/03/2008 19:05

brilliant post lucyellensmum

Habbibu · 13/03/2008 19:05

Oh, yes, lem's idea is very good - print out what you've written here.

motherinferior · 13/03/2008 19:07

Yes, please please go to the surgery FIRST THING TOMORROW and don't leave till you'ev ebeen offered some PROPER help. And/or ring the samaritans now. You poor thing. Poor both of you.

MoreSpamThanGlam · 13/03/2008 19:08

I think you are brave, brave, brave for posting. Really, inside somewhere, you do love your little girl, but you just need to find it again. In the meantime you really need some help. Make an appointment - an urgent one with your HV or another doctor and spell it out until they offer you some mental health treatment - not just simple counselling.

You seem to have been caught up in a whirlwind of issues (partner leaving, death of your mother) and these can have significant effects on your wellbeing.

Is there another relative or friend you could talk to - confide in them that you need some help.