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Original poster

How do I get help-I want to hurt my dd, I don't care if I never see her again.

102 replies

Hatemyselfforthis · 13/03/2008 18:33

I used to love her so much but now I can't even bare to look at her. I am making her life a misery and I despise her, but she gives me no real good reason-the girls at nursery think she is an angel and she behaves very well, but I feel no love towards her. I hate her so much. I have been to the doctors but he said it is normal, but I keep leaving her in shops or in the street if we go shopping as I can't bear to be near her-I can't bear to touch her or bath her or do anything with her, I hate it all-she is 4 so it can't be pnd. Pleas help me, I want it to be as it used to be, I used to love her so much.

OP posts:
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 14/03/2008 03:02

I can't offer much advice but you are really brave and it is a good step to admit your feelings. Writing things down can be so cathartic.

There are lots of intelligent insightful people on here who can help you through this. Try to get some sleep. And best wishes.

Nessamommy · 14/03/2008 03:42

I am proud of you for recognizing that your feelings aren't right. There is probably some underlying issues that you have...hormonal or whatever. Please try to see another doctor and get some medication to help you cope, while you look into getting counselling to talk things/issues out with a professional. Try to remember that your child didn't ask to be here, or in this situation.

sandcastles · 14/03/2008 03:52

I don't know much about depression, so forgive me if this is totally off track...

But could you be trying to distance her? Two people you must have loved SO much have left you, one way or another.

Your partner walked out on you, when your dd was 2 months old & your mum died?

Maybe you are so scared of losing her that you are subconsciously pushing her away.

You are taking your anger at your mum & your partner on your daughter, because she is all you have. Wanting to hurt her isn't about wanting to hurt her, it is wanting YOUR pain to go away & part of you thinks that if you are hurting her, you aren't hurting..

Just a stab in the dark here....

Hope you get all the help you need!

BumperliciousIsStillNotDressed · 14/03/2008 07:49

Hi hatemyself, I just wanted to say you are very brave for posting. You have been through an awful lot lately and obviously just need some help. It must be so hard to do all of this alone. Please make sure you go to the dr's today and get help.

You really tried hard with her yesterday and must feel like she ruined it, but you know that she is just being a normal four year old. Just realise that she will mimic your behaviour and if she see you losing control of yourself or is on the receiving end, she may take on those behaviours. You owe it to her to get this under control. I'm sorry the GP wasn't helpful, that must have been awful after plucking up the courage to talk to them, keep persevering with them.

You need help. That is not a bad thing, nor is it your fault, but you have the chance to take control a bit more now by seeking help. You CAN do this and we are all here for you.

EllieG · 14/03/2008 09:00

I think sandcastles makes a good point - when you have been really hurt by relationships ending/bereavement you can subconsciously try and protect yourself from that hurt by pushing people away - I did it for a long time with DP and DSD and would be really distant when I felt low - icy cold sometimes, or explosive, and made me feel horrid.

Well done for managing the bedtime routine btw, sounds like you did a really good job there.

How are you feeling today? Are you going to ring G.P?

Habbibu · 14/03/2008 09:54

hope you've had some help from GP. You are not naughty or bad - you are terribly sad and struggling. Thinking of you.

anniebear · 14/03/2008 10:33

I think you have been so brave posting

I really hope your Doctor listens and gives you the right support, let us know how you get on

keevamum · 14/03/2008 12:03

HI Have posted before but just wanted to let you know that support is here for you. Let us know how you get on at the drs and if you are feeling very bad towards your child put on her favourite DVD let her sit and watch it while you post on here and try to get perspective on how you are feeling. Where abouts are you, maybe a fellow Mn person may live local to you to offer support. I certainly would if you are around essex area.

bb99 · 14/03/2008 12:08

The appearance of happiness can be a very thin veneer H...

Has your doctor said anything about counseling are getting access to it - if you're dealing with a bereavement this can be really hard to do on your own, specially with a mum thing IYSWIM and then trying to meet the demands of children - they don't often give you time to yourself at the best of times!

Try not to beat yourself up too much about losing temper. I know from xp in rl it can be tricky, especially when you've made a big effort to do something nice, it almost feels (IMO) that it's all backfired. Try to focus on the lovely time you were having before and that you were OK afterwards. (Sorry-being bossy! )

How are you feeling now?

Original poster
Hatemyselfforthis · 14/03/2008 14:44

Thank you all so much, you really have all helped me more than I can ever post. Got dd off to nursery without a bad word or look even though we were rushing-hurried her a bit and did a lot of deep breathing and she didn't want to leave me when I dropped her off, so hopefully I haven't ruined it as much as I thought. Off to the docs now, will post when I get back xx

OP posts:
Habbibu · 14/03/2008 15:03

Oh, well done for today. You need to really celebrate these little triumphs - it's easy to let good things pass you by if you're not feeling great. i do hope you get good support from GP.

Boco · 14/03/2008 17:56

Hope it went ok at the doctors. How are you?

lucyellensmum · 14/03/2008 18:01

You haven't ruined anything, honestly, you may feel like you have, but your DD still loves you. Pleased to hear you went to the doctors, hope it went well.

BumperliciousIsStillNotDressed · 14/03/2008 18:26

Hope you are ok HM. (please change your name, you shouldn't hate yourself!)

tigger32 · 14/03/2008 18:53

Hi i've just read bits of this thread and i really feel for you, i've had some similar feelings as you although not quite as extreme, i've been getting help and now feels alot better (although not great).I hope that you got some help from your doctor today, also could you speak to your health visitor? Mine has been a god send for me, she also gave me the number for parentline who can help in these situations.
I hope things soon start to get better for you.

ChutneyMary · 14/03/2008 18:54

Hope you got on OK today HM. Let us know how you are. Hope the weekend brings you some peace whilst she is with her dad. Take care and hope to hear from you

EllieG · 14/03/2008 22:40

Hey you, hope you got on at the doctors.

Re your earlier post and DD not wanting to leave you, I find that sometimes when DSD is feeling insecure she would cling to me, which then irritated me so I would push her away and so it would continue....

What works for me is making a huge effort (and sometimes it has been very huge when have been down) to pretend that I am feeling nothing but friendliness and kindness towards her and treat her as such. When she gets more attention and cuddles (even when I feel that I have quite an aversion to cuddling her) her clingy behaviour lessens, which gives me a bit more physical and emotional space to breathe, and I feel better and less guilty. If you can try (as you seem to be doing) to ACT as though you are enjoying time with her, even if you are not and you want to scream, it will be easier. You are also more likely, in the long run, to actually start to enjoy your time for real.

x

Feelingbetterslowly · 15/03/2008 20:02

Hi everyone, sorry I couldn't get on here after the doctors-dd's dad said he would have her for the w/end and so had to jump on a train to Leeds (4 hours away) straight after work! Which is good because I can sort things out in mum's house too as I need to get on with sorting that out!
I am feeling so much better than I did on Thurs. Went to the doc and she had two students with her (who I made feel thoroughly uncomfortable by crying on them!) and she was absolutely wonderful. The HV is coming on Monday, have a prescription if I need it, but am feeling so so so much better after having the chat with the doctor and having the break from dd that I haven't "cashed it in" yet, as I want to see if I can do this on my own. Am really missing dd now and want her back asap tomorrow, which is a huge step, and have allowed myself to confront how I feel about mum's death and why I am so upset and angry over it, which has also helped and shifted more from anger to sadness, which (I never thought I would say this!) is great! Have started a diary to do some emotional purging, and did a huge amount of shopping today in Primark-have decided that if I am going to tackle this head on, by myself (I want to stay off meds if I can to show myself that this is ME doing this), I need to feel better about me, and how I look both to myself and others, as if I feel like I look like a good and competent mum I will be a good and competent mum. I have spent WAY too much though!!! He he! I can't believe the change in just two days, just through talking to you all and through re-evaluating my feelings both inwardly and outwardly. I can do this, I can love her, I can be a good mum and I will be a good mum-she needs it and deserves it and eventually she will have it. You women are amazing, I really cannot believe how much better I am just through coming on here, I cannot thank you enough, I really really cannot and wish I could. You have made our lives so much better xxxx

smallwhitecat · 15/03/2008 20:07

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ara · 15/03/2008 20:08

Hi Feelingbetterslowly,
I am so glad you are feeling so much better! It'd like reading a post from someone entirely different - you sound so much lighter and more positive. it must be a huge weight off to have finally talked and cried about this with someone in RL.
I'm also glad you are missing your little dd and wish you both all the best. Tek it slowly, you are dealing with an awful lot at the omment - the important thing is that you are starting to deal with it the right way.

ara · 15/03/2008 20:09

I have thought about you both a lot this week - it's so good to read this.

catzy · 15/03/2008 20:31

I have just read this thread and it made me cry.

I just want to tell you what a wonderful brave mum I think you are. Posting all these feeling was an exceptionally brave thing to do and just shows what a wonderful mother you are. Just remember these feeling towards your DD are not real and you suffering from an illness.

Don't give up and make sure you get the help and support you need. Even if you are feeling better make sure you tell the HV how you were feeling - even showing her this thread would be a good idea.

I admire you more than you know.

Boco · 15/03/2008 20:41

Oh well done! You've been SO brave and honest and fantastic, you should be really proud of yourself. Keep talking and so glad you've changed your name to something positive. Hope things keep going from strength to strength for you, it really sounds like you can crack this. x

Piffle · 15/03/2008 20:43

oh well done. Power to you brave lady

thirtysomething · 15/03/2008 20:49

Just wanted to add to all the fab posts that if you ever feel you just need to talk out loud, phone parentline on 0808 800 2222. They are open all the time, will listen without judging and can organise regular one-to-one phone counselling for you.